Well it has been officially a week, since my first blog, and I am officially an addict. I have found myself, lost. going from page to page, reading blogs, and getting in grossed by others. Now don't get me wrong it's not hard for me to get addicted to things. I think it's in my blood. Both on my paternal alcoholic side, and my maternal spiritual, religious, some formally addicts turned pastors and ministers side. Thank God, I don't drink or do any recreational drugs, add that to my crazy secret sex life, and I would be a walking disaster. Like most of my addictions, it will come to a crashing slow down in the near future. I 'm like a kid with a new toy at times. It reminds me of what this guy, that I made out with once said. He don't do 20-something year olders, because they are flighty....then got down with me anyway, talk about flighty. He was claiming to be 40, when he was every bit 43 and older. I never thought of myself as a flighty person. In fact, since I was 3 years old, I've been told, that I was mature for my age, with an old soul. However, maybe I am, because there are real times, that I don't know who I am or where I'm going. Just floating around.
Well anyway, this has been one crazy week. It all started, with three men. I never mentioned to you guys, about one of them. I didn't forget him, although I did forget his name. It was a brief encounter, so I can't be to blame. He offered to give me his number, my cell phone was dead, so I gave him mine. I haven't heard from him sense, but I have had a few calls from an unknown area code number. They don't leave a message, which is like a dead ringer, that it might be a DL guy, no DL guy leaves a message, they might think I will call and leave one. When I call it back, it goes to an computer operated voice mail message. I called information, and they told me, that the unknown area code, was a Brooklyn number. Just because the number is out of the state doesn't mean anything. So I'm thinking, it's him. He has a nice car, Land Rover, he is alright looking, can't remember exactly. I get a Church gay boy vibe from him. Even though, I also picked up a married vibe, just seems like the type. I didn't get a chance to check for a ring, that must be a woman thing to check. Now I know we shouldn't assume, but at first impression, I get he is a church boy, who is a bisexual, possible married to a woman, who looks like she would be out of his league, but loves him foolishly even though he is suspect.
Then there is L.A., who I know I can't get involved with. As I posted before, he is just walking drama. Even though he is the one who taught me, in 2006, to never get involved with an out person, unless I wanted to be even more stressed out and have someone always endangering my secrets and life. He some how remains in stress and drama. I know continuing to hang with him, will lead into, nothing but trouble. I think he sees me as a young, piggy bank. There's something about the way he talked about the type of guys he likes. "Guys from the suburbs, from good families, and not wrapped up, in that ghetto mentality." That maybe very true, but I also got from that, "and someone I can get dollars from." Don't get me wrong, I think he has a good person inside, and i think he can be that great person he was. He is a married, formal, government official..I think, occasional crack head..I know, who has one crazy ass boyfriend, who I think just needs a helping hand, to be the person he once was. I just don't have the energy, for that right now. I'm so tired of finding the guys who are down, from where ever they were. I want the guy at the top, who is still at the top, or on there way upto the top of wherever....at the least maintaining at a medium level.
Then there is Blue, the guy I had my first threesome with, from my previous posts. I think he is sexy as hell, he has a little money, so he can hold his own, and doesn't need any of mine. He has a tricked out vehicle, that I am a sucker for. He is DL, so we are cool on that part. However he is a `uberDL guy. I will explain that later, but he is without a doubt, the type of DL guy, that makes all the rest of us look bad. Gives us all black men, the bad image. He has too many personal demons going on, that I can tell, from jump street. I just want to know, him though. I want to get inside his head, and sorry mostly I want to get inside him. I believe he is a top, and not even a versatile top, but all I can think about is him on his back, with his eyes locked with mine, and his legs up, and me exploring him.... Knowing what I know about him so far, he probably has more of an idea, of me bent over a chair, and him pounding me, like a hammer. Which won't happen, well not by him, at least.
Here I am, right where I left off, still looking for whatever it is I'm looking for. I just want someone who is on the same wavelength I'm on. I think I'm addicted to new beginnings. Maybe next week will look up, and a new beginning with someone.