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Friday, June 24, 2011

Finally...The Conclusion to Mother's Day...DL Style

You have those moments, where you are thinking about someone quite often, and then you run into them, or they call you out of the blue. Well, for the past few weeks, I had been thinking about him, but not just him. I had been thinking about him, and his wife and kids. Although, I had never been to his house, I had been invited a couple of times. There were times when he would mention something in his house, as if I should know what he was talking about, I would have to remind him, I’ve never been there. He would insist I had been. I would shut the conversation down, and just let him know he was confusing me, with one, of his other men. All I knew was that he had to live in area of town, based on the malls; he shopped at, the grocery stores, and the Wal-Mart he shopped at. There is 5 Wal-Mart’s that are in 10-15 min radius to one another, yet the one he shopped at I was familiar with. So in the past couple weeks, I know some might think its crazy, but that what my gut was telling me. Know in my mind, I had the feeling I was going to one day walk into a store and he would be there with his kids, or sit down to eat somewhere, and he would be at another table with his wife eating. Even worse run into with his whole family. I thought about scenarios of how I would handle it or how he would handle. Would we play it like we knew each other or just strangers who give a courtesy head nod, with a knowing look in our eyes? I figured I would take his lead; he would have the most to lose, so whatever he wanted. I’m not an evil revengeful person. These were the things I was thinking about, the weeks prior to that day.

“Hey, Y”

I was so busy reading the calligraphy written labels, of the dishes, that I never noticed anyone coming up to me. It was a man’s voice. I was with any man at the Brunch, so I knew it wasn’t someone I came with. It startled me for a second; I looked up, to see the man that was talking to me. There standing in front of me was Loe. Even though I had been thinking about him lately, I wasn’t prepared to run into him. There he was in the flesh. All I could mutter out was hey. My head was spinning fast, not because of seeing him particularly, but the situation at hand. The minute my eyes went to him, my mind went to racing. I wasn’t that crazy in forgetting where I was at, and who I was with. In all of the times, in the past couple of weeks, I had been thinking about running into Loe; not in one circumstance, had I thought about my family and friends, let alone my Mom, being with me. Instantly my mind went into Danger mode…Sirens and alarms were going off in the cockpit of my head. I had to keep remind myself quickly, whatever you do, remain cool and calm. Now that I think about it, he may have used my full name, “Hey, Young.” That sounds more like it. He reason, thought usually calls me “Y.” He sometimes would call me Baldwin, as in Baldwin Hills, because he for some reason thought I lived likes the kids on the television show. He felt like I never worked, but was always shopping. I worked enough for him to ask to borrow money.

Moving on, all I could muster out was, “Loe?”
He was all smiles. “How you doing, man?” I wanted to say not good right now, that’s for sure. I’m running into you, they got no waffles, not a good day so far. Despite that I say, “Good…yeah…yeah…I’m good.” It’s at the moment that I finally notice something about Loe that, I can’t believe I hadn’t paid attention to, from the moment I saw him. He was standing there in a white chef’s jacket and a white chef’s hat. He was looking like a chocolate Chef-Bo–R-Dee. My mind is saying, what the hell are you doing, Nigga? I know it may be hard for some to believe, but I do have home training. As I’m looking him up and down, I simple say, “And how are you doin’?” He then gets this huge grin on his face and says, “Guess what?” I’m not even in the mood to play this game. I give him a half smile, and I just shrug my shoulders. With a huge smile on his face, he says, “I’m getting a Divorce!” I mean his head is nodding up and down, and cheesing, like he won an award. I want to say…You want a cookie? However what I said, “Congratulations?” I mean, what the hell was I suppose to say. I go on to say, “Is this a good thing?” He then replies, “Yeah man, I had to do it. I mean I couldn’t continue to live like that. It wasn’t good for any of us.” I’m not quite sure what exactly he was referring to. Was it living the double life? Was it her financial issues? Was it, that they were simple not happy? Was it other issues that I didn’t know about? I didn’t inquire, didn’t want to get into that. I have to ask him about the pink elephant in the room, but I couldn’t quite go there yet. I instead ask him, “So everything else is good?” He says, “Yep everything is cool.” So he wasn’t getting where I was going, so I have to say it, “So are you no longer with your firm?” He finally gets where I’m going with this. He hadn’t addressed it yet. He gets a small grin on his face. “Oh, yeah I’m still there, but someone once told me, ‘It was cheaper to keep her’” He laughs at that. Okay a pet peeve of mine was when he would take my words out of context and make me sound bad. This perhaps was the only time; he may have used it correctly. I did say that to him. It was in reference to them having financial issues, and him leaving her because of the issues she caused. I told him leaving her was only going to make things worse, because he would have to continue to help pay for her and the kids, and then pay for his new single life. Once again I never heard of two people divorcing, to improve financial problems. Both parties never walk away and saying, “Well that was profitable;” maybe one party, but never both. Anyway he goes on to say, “I needed a few extra bucks, now that I got two households to take care of.” I’m thinking, ‘No really! I wonder who mentioned that to you first.’ He then tells me, “I work here a few weekends a month. It supplements my living expenses.” I then notice another man with a white chef’s hat and coat, about the same age as Loe, starring at us, a few chaffing trays away. It’s a funny look he is giving us. I can’t explain it the look. It doesn’t seem to be a look of why is he talking and not working. It doesn’t seem to be a look of being nosy and trying to figure out of what we are talking about. It’s just a weird look. Loe interrupts my train of thought, with a comment that unravels me a bit. He asks,” Is that your mother, Y?” He has a hug slick grin on his face. I look at where he’s pointing to. He points directly, to where my mother and aunt are eating. I can’t help but wonder, how long before he spoke to me, had he been watching me. I mean it wasn’t like we were the only blacks in the room, so how did he know where I was sitting and with whom. Usually I’m so observant, how did I miss him being in the room. This was making me uneasy. All I do is nod. He then says in a goofy childlike way, “You look like her, Young.” Once again my nerves begin to unravel. I hate the position, I’m currently in. This is not a good look. I just continue to nod. What else could I say? I look to my side, and the other chef, is still looking at us, a couple of chaffing dishes down. It’s time for this little reunion to end. I start doing that thing that you do, when you want a conversation to end; you say, “Well, okay then…” He just continues to smile at me. I can’t help but wonder, if he is waiting for those magic words. You know those words you are suppose to say after you run into someone you haven’t seen in a minute. I think about it for a few seconds, but what would be the point. I had done this a number of times with, especially with Loe. I continue to ponder it, but I decide against. Loe doesn’t hear, “I’ll call you” today. I had to stop going in circles. I get nowhere with it. Besides all of that, my phone was stolen a couple weeks before, along with all my contacts. All his numbers are gone, and I don’t ask for them. I’m sure my number is gone from his as well, because an excuse of his, was that he was always misplaced my number, when we hadn’t spoken in a while. I just had a weird feeling that was what was on his mind as well. I leave it unsaid though. He finally says, “Well, alright Y.” I simply say, “Bye” He then tells me to take care. I turn around, that other chef is still starring at Loe, I can’t help but wonder is he messing with Loe now. I mean Loe isn’t the finest nigga, but he gets it in. To think of it, I couldn’t help look at Loe and wonder, why did I let it go on as long as I did? I mean when we first met he, had a sort of an Anthony Hamilton thing going on. Not exactly my type, Anthony Hamilton, doesn’t really do it for me. However now he had a kind of Ceelo Greene, with a fro going on. His neck was looking real swole. I think since the separation, he must be eating a lot of take out or perhaps a lot of leftovers from the hotel. As I walk away he continues to look at Loe, I could be totally wrong, but it looked like jealousy I was seeing.

I was so flustered, that I didn’t even realize I was walking back to my table, with an empty plate. I knew I couldn’t go back to the area Loe was at, so I went to another section, to find me something edible. I really needed a drink at this moment; even though I don’t drink. Even if I wanted to, this janky brunch didn’t have any. Most brunches I’ve been to, at least have some Mimosas flowing. Even if I did find something edible, I couldn’t eat. The whole time I was back at my table, I felt eyes on me. I tried my hardest not to look over there, just in case he was. It wasn’t long before I was just ready to go. I was not enjoying this brunch at all. All I ate was an omelet, some bacon, some fruit and a croissant that tasted like it came from Costcos. I know a Costco croissant, when I taste it. The chocolate fountain, chocolate was nasty, the dessert all felt store bought. I was more than ready to go. I had to get out of this dining room. We couldn’t leave without Loe catching my mother’s attention though. We are sitting at our table talking, when we hear a couple gasps and yells, Loe is at the omelet station, at this point. I’m not exactly sure what was going on, but something he was doing, caught on fire. There was a huge flame in front of him. My mother couldn’t help but wonder, “What’s wrong with that dumby? He’s just standing there like an idiot. Why isn’t he trying to put the fire out?” Loe was just standing there. It took that other chef who was looking at him to put it out. After the “Starring” chef put it out he kept patting Loe’s back as they had a little chuckle about it. My mother continues, “They don’t need that guy on an open flame, if he just going to freeze up like that.” I had that crazy feeling in my stomach, if only she knew. I pay for my mother and me. At $35.00 dollars a person, plus tax and tip; I paid over $80.00, for the two of us, and something I could have gotten at Burger King. My aunt was on her own, she wasn’t my mother. I couldn’t have gotten out of there faster. I was just happy to get out of there with as little drama as possible going on. We had an intense conversation about how I hated that Brunch, in the car. It wasn’t the greatest in her eyes, but she didn’t hate it. She then mentions how she really wanted to go to this restaurant that I personally love, but she didn’t want to say anything. It was our little tradition, and she thought I wanted to do it, so much, so she didn’t want to upset me. I’m thinking that truly wouldn’t have upset me as much as that brunch did. We decided that no more Holiday brunches were in store for us. Only if she knew that wasn’t the only tradition, that ended in that brunch that day.

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Mother's Day,..DL Style

I’m wondering now if this post is meant for me not to write. I have written it a couple times now. The first time I wrote it, and was almost finished, and about to transfer it from my computer to Blogger. Right before I was about to transfer it, I got my first computer virus ever. I didn’t realize that’s what it was at first. Some things wouldn’t work, I let a friend check it out, and it turns out to be a virus. Let the anti- virus skip a few days, and I sho-nuff got a virus. Long story short, wiped everything out. I tried writing this again. I wrote it once again on my laptop, the battery was running low, after writing. I was almost finished, and didn’t feel like getting the battery charger, at that moment. My computer died. I went and got the charger, and everything was gone. Before the virus, if my battery died. I would get the charger; it would bring up anything, right where I left off. Now everything is gone. Why these things keep happening when I’m about to finish. The thought of writing it again, seemed very daunting, and you know how long my posts are too. Anyway, here we go again. I’m trying to finish this before the month of May ends, since this happened on Mother’s Day.

You know how some things unconsciously become traditions, and you not, even mean for it to happen. You do something, you like it once, you do it again. You enjoy it that time as, well, and the next thing you know you somehow have developed a tradition. I’m not exactly sure when it happens, but me and my mother have developed a tradition on Mother’s Day, of going to brunch. I love a good brunch. I know how some love the mixing of breakfast with lunch items. I think I love the excuse to eat breakfast later, in the day. I especially love Hotel brunch buffet. To this day, I believe the Hyatt has the best. In that no matter what city you are in, it is a guarantee going to be, good. Not necessary the best in what they offer or how they prepare, but consistent great quality. Anyway, this year was nothing different. I did wait until the last minute to make reservations, however this year. Most of the hotels, I called, were booked up, for Mother’s Day brunch. It’s obviously a big day for people to take their mothers to; I mean nothing says “I love you, Mom,” like an omelet bar and cheesecake. I mentioned it to my mom, and she mentioned, a hotel, that we have never been to for brunch, ever. I did meet someone once there at the bar, for drinks, but never ate there. I called them, and them, and they had an opening. Here’s the thing, my gut really wasn’t into going to brunch this year. The last few times, we went to brunch on a holiday, I wasn’t the biggest fan. I didn’t mention it, because like I mentioned, it has sort of become our tradition.

This Mother’s Day started off weird, from jump. First of all, Mother really didn’t feel like going to church, this Mother’s Day. Her not wanting go to church, is weird for a holiday. She just wasn’t in the mood. Then, well I had to go take care of an errand, that I had scheduled for that Sunday, I had to well go visit someone in jail. That’s right, you read correctly. I would have skipped it, and saw them another fay, but some things were going on in jail, that I had to go see about. It’s a very long story that I might write about another day. The next thing, my cousin couldn’t come down to have Mother’s Day with my aunt, so she came down, and had Mother’s Day, with us. The morning I had, I really wasn’t in the mood to go, to this brunch, but I went anyway. Sometimes you really need to go, with your instincts.

We get to the hotel, and even though, they have our reservations, they have us wait 20 minutes to seat. Apparently our table wasn’t ready. Why I don’t know, since have the dining room was empty. Now when I called to make the reservations, I asked what some of the items on the menu were for the brunch. There were a list of things, the girl ran down, for me. The two that sealed it for me, was the rack of lamb. I hadn’t had lamb in a minute, so I was excited. Let me paint a picture of the room. There are dining tables all over the room, with linen table clothes. In the far right of the room are tables of lined stainless steel chaffing trays sitting on pillows of gathered linen, sitting on tables, with flat linen. In one corner, there is am omelet station. In another corner, there is a desert station, with an ice sculpture, and a chocolate fountain. Beside the dessert station there is a cheese station. When I go up to the meat station, all I see is a big ham, being sliced, and a big slab of roast beef. I asked one of the guys at the meat station, where was the lamb. He informs me, there is no lamb. I was confused, and upset at that revelation. I then regroup, and go for my next brunch favorite; a nice hot made for me, Belgium waffle. I then asked someone, to point me to the Belgium waffle station. That’s when again I get a look of confusion, from someone who works there, as in “What are you talking about?” I am informed, there is no waffle station. Desperation, is grasping me. I then quickly ask, “Pancake?”…No… “Thick French Toast?”… Sorry, no sir. Devastated now, I asked “Well, what do you have?” She escorts me to a stainless steel chaffing dish with Crepes in it. Okay, now I have been to many of kinds of brunch, and to this day, that is the only brunch, where there was not an item, that maple syrup can be applied to. Even fancy Italian restaurants, at least had stuffed French toast. It was stuffed with mascapone cheese (For my food ignorant readers, that’s Italian cream cheese), but it was an item that syrup could be applied too. Even smaller hotels, like Hampton Inn, Marriott Courtyard, even Holiday Inn Express, have waffles for their continental breakfast. You know they have the little prepared cups of batter, and you pour it into the waffle maker, and then turn the waffle maker upside down, and it cooks in 3 minutes. I know someone knows what I’m talking about. They even have a waffle. I mean you’re telling me, the only thing they could come up with is crepes. They didn’t even look good. I have made crepes before. The first time, I believe I was like 12. I know what crepes are supposed to be. They are supposed to be light and thin versions of pancakes, almost as then as a piece of paper. These were thick and doughy, and not in a good way either, stuffed with canned pears and raisin, smothered with a vanilla rum sauce. At this point I’m ready to go. I even mention it to my Mother. I was so ready. I’m usually the find a bright side to a disappointment type, but not this time. I ask my waitress, about what I was told over the phone, of what they were having, and how nothing has matched. She tells me, that it sounds like their Easter menu. Everything that was told to me was on their Easter brunch menu. Even though I wanted to go, I decide to make the best, because the brunch was not about me. It was about my Mother. I felt if she was cool with it, I could deal with it. I’m walking slowly from chaffing tray to chaffing tray, reading the calligraphy written names, of the dishes, on linen paper. Nothing of which, sounding like something I want to eat. All of a sudden, a get startled, when a voice out of nowhere says, “Hey Y.” I look up and there he is.

Okay, now I haven’t mentioned much about my relationship, with my married acquaintance. I’m not exactly sure why, just haven’t. I mean I have talked about him indirectly. There have been a couple of post about him, but I never mentioned his name or our experiences directly. I have my theories as to why I haven’t talked about us, but I’m not positive. I mean right now, it’s so hard to talk about him. Not sure how to start or where to go with this. Even though I have written this a couple times already, this part never gets easy. This is the part I’m the angriest, that got deleted. As soon, as I think I got it figured out, I have to start all over again, and try to figure it out again. Well, I guess I will start with giving him an official blog name. His name is Loe. I once had a blogger, tell me outside of my blog, that they thought, the nicknames I gave were funny. The funny part is that I’m not really making them up. I may get in trouble, for saying this, but the names I give, are basically, what’s in my phone. The names you see, is the names I basically call them. Some may be slightly different. Loe was in my phone. He once wanted to go by D.L, but once he realized his attraction to men, he thought it was too close, for his comfort. Like people were going to figure out he liked guys, because his name was D.L. I told him, that people don’t think that about D.L. Hughley. However, that was a choice he made years ago, before me. I had a couple different names for his different numbers, one for his office, cell, and home. That’s right I had his house number. I never used it, just didn’t feel right; however he never minded calling me from his house number. He trusted me. For some reason, that always surprised me. I don’t know why it surprised me, I guess because, if I was in his shoes I would have been more careful, always cautious.

Once again I’m lost in how to go on about him. I mean I have told a lot in my blog past, but this seems to be hard, for me to write. It’s not like we had some great lost love affair. In fact, I often felt like it was something, like a one night stand that was stretched into, something more than it should have been. To be honest Loe was never my type. I’m not saying that, in a malicious after thought either. From Jump Street he really was never my type. When I first met him, I thought…well okay I’ll do you. I mean I thought we were going to get each off, and that’s what that. Especially, when he told me, he was married, which was in the first 10 minutes. I believe my question was, “What are you into?” That is usually a typical question for me. It usually leads into “The Talk.” I’ve talked about “The Talk,” just establishing what you are into, what I’m into, do we want what they got to give. Never have I gotten a response, like he gave me. He started rabbling about so fast, it left me dazed. It went something like this…”Well, I’m married, been married for 15 years. I have two kids, blah and blah. I realized I had an attraction for guys, back in college, but suppressed those feelings, and got married. Was doing good, until I hit 31, went on a business trip. There was this other guy there on the business trip. He asked me would I like to meet him at the bar for drinks after a day of seminars. I did. He told me he saw something, in me, and the next thing I know he turned me out. We dated for 5 years, until his job transferred him to another state. I’m back out there on the scene…” At that point I had to stop him. I told him, look all I wanted to know was are you into oral sex. He explained to me his version of the “DL philosophy.” He felt that as DL man you lie so much in your everyday life, that when you are amongst other DL men, you should never have to lie. I mean I get where he comes from, but I still think its bull. With that philosophy, you lie to your love ones, but truthful, to strangers you have sex with…pa-lease! If I’m going to lie to my love ones, I’m lying to the strangers, point blank. We exchanged numbers. However I’ve grown since starting this blog. That whole exchanging numbers don’t mean anything, anymore. He asked for my number, I gave it to him, but didn’t think of anything after that. I’ve had guys asked to exchange number. Then if I call them, they act like; “Negro, how did you get my number?” however he called a couple days later, totally took me by surprise. I met him Sunday night and Tuesday, like 10, 11 in the morning, he was calling me, talking about he couldn’t stop thinking about me. I had never had a guy say that, or act like that towards me. It felt different. It felt new. It felt good. Then he asked me out on a date. He was the first guy I ever went out on a date too.

That’s right; he was the first guy I ever went out on a date with. To this date, he is the only guy I ever went out on a real date with. That’s a post for another day though. In fact, I tried to write about it a couple of times. It never came to publish though. It was called; you guessed it, “My First Date with a Man.” I remember, when it first happened, and I was chatting, with another blogger online, and they couldn’t believe it was my first date, with a man. I mean I guess people assume that after reading my blog, I’m dating men up a storm. Um, no. I screw and mess around with these guys, but I’m not dating any of them. I do not consider going to Mickey D’s or Burger King, for a whopper jr. with cheese, after I ejaculate, a date. I’m sorry, it’s not. I will say this. I did enjoy the experience. I think that’s why it lasted as long as it did. I like going out to eat or appetizers and drinks, and talk to a guy who knows where I’m coming from sexually, and expressing myself freely. I think the issue was liked the dating aspect, but wrong dude. He he was my type in the looks department I think I could have looked past everything else. You know when you are not happy, with the way things are in a relationship, but then you say,"But damn he is just so fine and cute...oh what the hell. Why was I mad at him again?" Yeah I never had that moment with Loe. All I can say he wasn't my type.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t totally dislike him, it, just that he wasn’t right for me. We were just better friends. We weren't really sexually compatible. He wanted things that I didn't. I wanted things he wasn't into. I believe that’s what we were anyway, just friends. I mean we were there to talk and listen, and hang out like friends. I mean I don’t know how many times he called me, when he was upset with his wife, and needed to talk. Perhaps he was calling for more than to talk, but that’s all he got from me, because I wasn’t coming out to do anything, just because he wanted revenge sex or whatever. I was just a tiny bit better than that. We talked a lot. I was talking to him once about one day getting married, one day. He told me not to, that he envied my position. He wished he was my age and where I was at now. That he wished at my age, he hadn’t been afraid to explore his sexuality. He talked about a guy he was interested in, college, who showed interest in him, and all but made a proposition to him, to live together, in another state. They never had sex. He seriously thought about it, but turned the guy down. He told me it was something he always questions and wonders what if. Instead he denied his sexual feelings and a couple years later got married. In a marriage, he wasn’t happy about. Oh that marriage. The conversations we had about that poor marriage. I believe he loved his wife; I do to some certain extent. He wasn’t happy though. They had issues; he made it out to be mostly her fault though. He always excluded the fact that he loved men, from the equation. He figured that since she didn’t know about that, then their problems had nothing to do with that. I always would remind him, to keep him in check. I remember him calling me once, all upset at his wife. It was like 11 o’clock at night. They had some financial issues; in the past and apparently in the present. She loved her credit cards, and she loved to max them out, but she didn’t like to pay them off. A few years back she quit her corporate job, to start a small business. She wasn’t maxed them out financially, in every aspects. She wasn’t bringing in the capital with this business of children nits, and wasn’t good about putting it out there. Long story short, and because I can’t remember the entire story; I sometimes would tune out. Throw him a couple, “uh huhs”, “sures", and “you don’t say.” Anyway she threw them into a financially disaster, that to him and apparently the bank, and credit counselors, years to fix. Well, after all of that, they had gone to one credit card, which was supposed to be for emergency. He had gone to use it for something, which he rarely does, and it was declined. He called the credit company, and it had been maxed out. He went home to check the statements, and found statement for other credit cards he didn’t know about. She was on her way of taking them through another finance mess. He was going through a tirade; about I’m going to divorce her, and her financial adulteress ass, and blah blah blah. I get it why he was mad, but we got to take accountability sometimes. Why in the hell would you leave the paying of the bills to the person, who put you in the mess to begin with? It’s like putting a drug addict in charge of narcotics. I mean really. I let him rant and rave, he needed an outlet. The more he talked about her finance deceit, the more I would get irritated. I had to tell him once, cut her some slack. I mean you commit sexual adultery on her all the time, with men; and she commits financial adultery. Sounds like the perfect couple to me. They actually separated for a couple months, do to that. You know what they say finance is the number one reason for divorce. I often told him to divorce her. Then there were times I often told him to stay in there. First why divorce, if you are having financial issues. I mean no one ever profited from divorce. I mean one person yeah, but never both parties. No two people walk away saying,"Yeah, that was a profitable divorce, don't you think Honey." Then there were times I told him to divorce. Yes, the constant wishy washer. Loe would say that he was in his marriage until his kids turned 1, then he was free to be with men, the way he wanted. I didn't like that. The thought that he knew he was getting a divorce in the future. IT was like he was stringing his wife along for the next few years. I felt he should divorce her know, why she is in her late 0s early 40s. I feel like now, she could find the next Mr. Right, while still in her prime. Divorcing her when she is in her mid to late 40s wasn't fair to her. I didn't know her, but I still had compassion for her. I’m not sure what happen during their separation, because he did one of his disappearance acts on me around that time.

Loe would drop in and out of my life so much. It was never a huge deal; it was just the way he would go about it, that irritated me the most. He wasn’t my man or anything. He was married, he definitely wasn’t MY man. Just be respectful of me. That was my biggest issue. I wrote about it once in Men Who Doesn't Understand Men. Right after that last incidence with his wife, he asked me could he borrow $600, to pay off, something his wife did. I don’t know who he thought I was. First of all, I didn’t think we were cool enough friends, for that. Second I had bad history, with lending money to family, let alone to some Negro, I hook up with. Third, I’m the young-in in college; I’m supposed to ask to borrow money from him, not the other way around. He was damn near 40. The reason could go on and on. My biggest though, was I just had gone through not hearing from him in 4 months. I wrote a post about that once. Not a word from him. I told him what if that went down again, when I go to contact, can’t get no response back for my money months on end. His response was, “You know where I work.” Yes, I knew where his office was. He also knew that I was not the type to go to his office, for anything. He was in my life for a few weeks then. After that I didn’t hear from him for a couple months. There was the time he called, me to meet him for drinks after work. We actually had lunch that day, but he said he needed to see me again. He left me waiting for him for an hour in the designated place, in the rain. I called and called no answer or call back. He called me exactly 3 weeks later to explain what happen. Yes, I kept track. Excuse something about his kid, came up. Too many stories so little time. He would always call out of the blue, with a long rambling story. I mean the message would be 7 or 8 minutes long…”See what had happen, my cousin’s child’s father died, and I became surrogate father…” or my favorite, ”You hurt my feelings, when you said we weren’t sexual compatible, that hurt me deeply, and I couldn’t talk to you, for a while, after that.” I did tell him that, but he totally took it out of context, but it needed to be said. I will get to that in a moment. Then he would get all soft and baby like, ”Don’t be mad at me Y…You still mad at me, I’m sorry” I would forgive him, until the next time. The last time we talked was in the infamous post of Well F*CK You Too. There was a lot I was mad at. Read that post. Wow, I’ve had my fill of filling you in on Loe I know you are tired of reading it. Back to what happen on Mother’s Day.

I look up, and there he is…

To be continued.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

What's Right, What's so much Wrong...My Answer to Question 2

Well moving from the last post, which apparently didn't go by to well, I am coming to a quick new post. After much thought and consideration this past week, I have decided...That I'm NOT sorry about a damn thing. I had started to feel bad about certain comments, but I'm not. F*ck it. I decided that I going to say whatever comes to my mind, without regret. That's personally big for me, because I live a lot in regret. I'm not going to regret anymore comments, at least. Baby steps people. So new blogs or old, I'm going to be me, if you don't like, delete my comment. It's YOUR problem, not mine. Now on my last post, I said I was going to return all emails, that was sent to me, over the past couple months. One of my emails, was a request of a former lurker, and now occasional commenter, J. Antoinne. In his email, which I must say he mentioned, "I have enjoyed reading your posts; even the ones that may reflect negatively on you. I say that because they're just real." Negatively? I have no idea what you are talking about sir, I'm always a perfect angel. Yep, sticking behind that statement too. Anyway his request was for me to finally answer his Q&A question, from way back when. I think I only got 3 questions, and only answered one. And yes, before Realhustla bites my head off, I know she has one question I haven't answered either. I will get to yours in due time.

Anyway J.Antoinne question is:
Do you ever have the fear that someone would out you, given the right/wrong circumstances?

First of all, let me say this, I'm not exactly sure what the right circumstance is What is the right circumstance in being outed? "Yeah you called my mother and told her I suck dick, Oh boy...Yeppie"
I mean I really can't figure out what a right way would be. I can see plenty of wrong ways, but I truly can't see a right way, other than me. I think that is the only right way to be outed, is by doing it myself. I mean it possibly can be a good thing in the aftermath of others knowing. It can be a freeing and liberating experience. Not worried about lying or cover things ups. Everyone knowing who you really are.
Then on the flip side I know it could be a devastating act if done wrong, as well. Let me give up a real life example. I know of one DL man, whose live in boyfriend outed him out to his estranged wife and parents after he broke up with him. His wife took the kids and finally filed divorce. His relationship with his parents are very strained, even though it happen a couple years ago.his boyfriend had actually been holding that over his head for sometime. He was a man of his word, when he told him that if he broke up with him, he would destroy him. I will give yo the long version one day. Anyway the last time I saw him, he was...hmph well skin and bones. His looks are...well I'm not going to say gone, but he doesn't look like he did when I first met him. His face was sunken in, a little bit. This is of course due to his drug use after the reaction to his family and friends, because most thought it was just his roommate. At least that is what he has told me. He told me, that he just couldn't coup. It's someone I have actually talked about once, I think early on in my blog life. I saw him early last year, I think it was, he wanted to do "something," and I just couldn't. My arm brushed up to his, and it was creepy. I mean he was clean, hair cut fresh, and cloths fresh, but I can feel that he was still struggling, with his life. I'm not saying being outed, it what made him a drug addict, but it certainly didn't help. He wasn't a drug addict when I met him. My point is that there is a good side and a bad side of the aftermath of being outed.

I don't think there is a right way of the process of being outed, other than doing it yourself. I think any information like that, is better coming from the person it's about. It to me would never be good coming from someone else. While we are on it, I actually can't stand people, who think it's there duty to other people. Who gives you the right? Who appointed you... I know whatever...keep your f*cking trap shut, if it isn't you who you are outing. You remember the young Rutgers Student who got outed, online, by his college roommate. I think it was in the fall, I'm not exactly sure of the whole story, but I know the outed young guy killed himself. In the end, it's someone's life you are messing with. Even the bible says, "Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit." I take from that, is be careful what you say about others, because your words have huge impact.

Now back to the initial question, of do I fear being outed, blah blah right/wrong circumstance.....hmm I don't know...Yes, No...little of both. I guess I was really more fearful, when I first started getting with men. The first few years, I guess I was very fearful. I don't know if I'm so much fearful, now...or at least as much, as I use to be. As you can tell I'm fearful of being outed in the wrong way or fashion, but the act itself, hmph. I've had some close calls. I have had two or three close calls. I'm always cautious, well in revealing myself to the guys I get with. I'm very cautious to be exact. Hopefully I have good karma in that department. I try to take certain preliminary steps, to eliminate to many cases of being outed. However we all make mistakes, and it could happen. I just hope and pray, I would be a place in my life, where I could handle it emotionally and spiritually. I'm scared of the aftermath. Plain and simple.

You really should write and complete things as it comes to you, because I started this two days ago, but something came up. I feel like I had more to say on this question, but I'm empty on the subject, right now. Sorry, if more comes to my mind I will write about it.

What do you guys think of me playing a new song on my blog, to go with every post? I kind of like it, I feel there is a song truly for every occasion.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Email Call!

So today I got a email, from a blogger friend, of mine. Usually our emails are fun, and I'm always excited to hear from them. However...hmm...this was a different kind of email. The subject title was, "Your Comments." I'm not even going to lie, that could go any way. I never know what that could mean, because I do say some...thangs. I will just leave it at that. They are all not "choir boy" commentary...I will elaborate in a minute. Anyway I open the email, and unfortunately it wasn't about how witty, wonderful, sexy and fun my comments are. It was about two recent comments I made on two different blogs. Well, it was about how my two comments were considered or viewed as being RUDE...


O...kay...let me say I by no means, did I mean for my comments to be rude. That wasn't my intention, at all. I was simply saying what was on my mind, in what I thought was a fun, perhaps outrageous way. You know what I don't even think it was all that outrageous. But that's just me. The email went on to say, how not everyone gets my "brand" of comments...their exact words. They went on tell me, how someone on twitter mentioned something to them about my comments. Twitter, y'all!
I don't even have a twitter account, but I'm being talked about how poor taste my comments are on it. They responded to them, that it's just my kind of "cheeky" comments...yep, "cheeky." Do you know what cheeky means? I found two definitions of cheeky. First someone who is playful with their interaction, but more-so on the risque or "naughty" side, or someone who gives others a hard time, but does so good naturally and with no hard feelings. The other is plain ole offensively bold. I guess I'm the latter of the two. They went on to tell me that although they get me and understand it wasn't my intentions, they understand how it was rude. Anyway after reading the email, I felt horrible. It's like your favorite teacher, scolding you about your bad behavior in class, and they are disappointed in your behavior.

Here is the back story. The blog friend had a very simple post about how they had an interview on another blog about their new natural hair regimen. Okay let me say this...I personally find the whole talk about natural hair a little boring, BUT I went to the natural hair blog, to support the interview and my blog friend. I read the blog, and I decided to comment, to let them know I stopped by and read the blog. Perhaps I did loose my way int he comment section. Maybe I should have just wrote
something like, "Great hair, Awesome!" or "You go...Girl" I mean that's a thought. Oh, who we kidding, that's not my style. I can't remember exactly what I said. I write what's on my mind and in the moment of just reading the post. Plus I wrote it like at 1 in the morning. I truly don't remember exactly what I said. I think overall I mentioned what was the end results, what was their goal. What was the purpose of the going natural? How I thought the purpose was to not be tied to a beautician chair every week or every other week. It does seem to me that the natural seems like more work and time, than permed and relaxed hair. I did ask, what I thought was a very reasonable question. What does this natural hair do for your sex life? At least I think that's what I said, because I'm not sure. Some of you may be curious why not just go to the blog and read what I wrote. Well, my comment has been deleted, by the blog owner. I from the bottom of my heart, don't know what I said, that was worthy of my comment being deleted. Maybe I was a little disrespectful, to their "natural" way of life. Here's the main thing about ME, I don't comment on a post, unless I haves something to add to the post or discussion. I'm not good at writing superficial comments.

You know what, you got a public blog for god sake. Stop being so Damn thin skinned and sensitive. What do you want?...A bunch of "yes" people, coming to your blog. Why don't you have a monitored comment section. Why have a comment section at all, if you are not willing to hear more than one side to a subject. People disagree completely with post of mine, sometimes the entire blog, my way of life. I have gotten emails and comments telling me these things. Yet, I have not deleted any comments. It's about sharing personal experiences and personal views on different subjects. You have yours I have mine. Try have a open discussion on it. Try answer some interesting question. The only time I deleted someones comments, was they kept leaving comments of how I was spreading aids, with my lifestyle and I was the cause of black women having aids. It was like 19 of the same comment in multiple posts of mine. I don't nor have I ever done any of that. I guess her blog was only geared to one type of person. A woman with a natural. All I have to say is write a post about the benefits of having a natural hair style, and your sex life, and people will pay attention.I mean men do like that. A guy is cool with their woman wearing a wig or having a weave, sometimes, it gives them the illusion of having sex with someone new, but at the end of the day a man loves having sex with a woman, who is cool with them being able to run their hands through their girls hair, as they are hitting it, without catching tracks, or the wig coming off.

I will say this...A girl with a weave, would have laughed it off and kept it moving. Even a stuck up , evil weave wearing heifer, after a couple of drinks, is a lot of fun. All this confusion about my comments, just reinforce what I had to say. Girls, with natural hair, and I don't mean "Swimmer" or I know this is bad, but "Good Hair." I feel like a girl you is going "natural," is always the non fun one at the party. They are usually the bores. Everyone knows Wilona and wigs was the fun one, Florida was the snooze.

Now I will say comment on the blogger friends blog, was a little over the top. You be the judge.
TheBlogArtistFormerlyKnownAsYBandDL said...

I wrote what I had to say on the interviewer's blog, but I will say this. That last blog made me very sad, but I have seen death like this in the recent year, so...I almost am numb these things now.

My point is, talk a lot about your hair lately. Do you have a man now?...Has your hair taken the place of having a man? You talk a lot about your hair, and that damn Michael Jackson game...when is the last time you been dicked down?

You need to get a man to dust off your punany. Tell us how your hair holds up, when he is pulling on it, during a heated screw.

I will be waiting on that post.
Go get drunk with some of your weave friends, and go to one of your country Arkansas clubs, and take some pictures.

All I have to say is the natural and your natural gal pals have been a bore lately. You need to hook up with some of your perm friends. They know how to have fun. You can't tell me me a good weave friend, don't know how to party.

I do sorta feel like a dog who peed on the carpet. I feel ashamed like I just been hit on the nose with a rolled of newspaper. Perhaps I was wrong for the things I wrote.

But look, I walk around all day long, being politically correct, and saying the right thing. Holding back what I really want to say to folks. I guess I have to do that now in my blog world. I don't know who to be even in this world. Moving on...This portion wasn't suppose to be this long.
Anyway, getting this email, has motivated me to do something, well over due.I am going to email back everyone who has emailed me in the last couple months. I feel really bad, and it was on my mind lately. My email will be both current and address the time it was sent. So if you sent me a Christmas email. You will get a Merry Christmas, and an early Happy Valentines Day. I'm giving myself a week to send them out. So expect one from me. I'm even going to send an email, to the natural hair Blogger, to apologies if I offended her, and the rest of the Naturals.
I'm going to make a vow, that in the upcoming year, I will be better and responding to lurkers, blogger friends, and frequent commentators of my blog's email.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

The Early Edition of Pictorial Editorial Wednesday- My love for Hosea Chanchez

Okay, this is the first post for me of the new year, and I had this post all ready that, I wrote over a week ago on a road trip...However I didn't publish it. I really don't know why actually..hmmm It was about giving and receiving blah blah blah. I might publish it later this week. It was kinda deep and perhaps a little boring. It was more of what I had in mind for my first post of the year, but things change this will have to do. I need a little happiness that brings me to this man. Hosea Chanchez. Alright, let me say I love this whole look. I love the coat, the scarf, love it all. He is looking good here. Isn't he a good looking man. Damn!
Alright, so if you haven't heard tonight is the new season premiere of "The Game." after a two year hiatus. I was definitely one of those people who was very upset when "The Game" got canceled on the CW, however BET has saved it. Bravo BET you did something good. So the cast of "The Game" has been making their rounds to promote the new season. Me watching Wendy Williams last night pushed me make this post.
So Hosea is like totally in my top three celebrity guys I would totally do. I mean if I was in a relationship, regardless of gender, he would have to be in the top three freebies of sure you can do them, with no penalties for cheating. If I had the chance, my girl would have to be like, "Sure baby you can do Hosea Chanchez, have fun...bring me home his draws!...oh and don't forget to get some laundry detergent!" Speaking of draws, I feel like Hosea aka Malik Wright, is in his draws the most of the three guys on the show. I mean Pooch Hall has a lot of shirtless moments, or moments where he is sagging and no shirt, but Hosea to me has a quite a few moments, where he is just in his small boxer briefs. There been a few scenes with Robin Givens and around his loft apartment, and then there was the time at a hotel, when he was creeping with the thick, full figured sport's news reporter. Always black boxer briefs, but nonetheless he's the more adventurous of the three guys. I don't think I ever see Colby shirtless or pants less. Maybe but not ringing a bell in my mind Mr. Bell.
Here's his nice boy next door look.
And here's his bad boy dangerous look. I bet he practices in the mirror. Naughty...Nice... Smoldering...I just won the lottery look...Smile with your eyes like Tyra says...I give face, face, face...

Anyway everyone has been on the Pooch Hall jock. Yeah, yeah Derwin is cute, he has nice abs and whatnot, but for me it has been all about Malik. I like the face and body type. I like that he is a little think. I just find him sexy.
I love his Malik character, even at his worse, therefore I fell in love with me some Hosea. With his "Girl-Melody" self. I love this dirty smile that he does, where his face is pointed down, and his eyes are up, like "I have dirty thoughts running through my mind, and I like it." I love that smile. I mean I use to be on the Coby Bell train back in the day, thanks to reruns of Third Watch, but I have truly moved on. It's all about Hosea now. This has nothing to do with the nude pictures either. If you haven't heard, last week nude pictures of Hosea Chanchez surfaced on the Internet. His nudey pics got nothing to due with my love for him. If you haven't seen them, here's the link to see Malik's goods! ...and his bootay. Here's the thing I actually think he had something to do with the leek. Yeah I said, he was all behind that. Conspiracy theorist my ass Hosea. Talking about he always feels like someone is following him, and it turns out to be true the one time he doesn't close his hotel drapes. What hotel were you staying in?...Holiday Inn Express? What floor were you on when someone took pictures of you with your drapes open, did they climb up the building to take pictures? I'm sorry baby, but I'm not sure you are that big of a celebrity, for the paparazzi to be following you. Then on Wendy Williams, when she questioned the whole situation, there was talk about who doesn't take nude pictures of themselves in the bathroom. What's the deal there dude? I think it all goes back to the whole in his draws the most on the show. I think there is a little exhibitionist in him. He knows he got a little something and wants the world to know it. He is like the dude at the gym, who loves to walk around the locker room more than usual, without a towel, just swinging and jingling. What get me is he made a few comments on his twitter about how upset he was, but every interview I see and hear, he is just giggling and jocking around about the whole situation..."Oh you saw the pictures, girl...aaahh!" Laughing like Eddie Murphy in any 80s movie. Then it happens right before the new season...hmph
But let's move on, shall we. Let's talk about my sexual fantasy. We meet at the gym, in Virginia or the DMV area. He'e all hot and sweaty after his cardio...No wait, I don't feel sexy at the gym. Where am I meeting him at? At that hotel that he just walking around naked at, I don't know. I meet him and we have sex. I don't know, I'm not good at this whole fantasy thing. We would go back to his place, and he can take his scarf and tie me up...hmm no I don't know about being tied up. I like to stay in control, I got trust issues. I think I will tie him up. You know what I can let myself go for one night, we can ake turns tying each other up...yeah that sounds good, regards, he would have a scarf handing. I mean let's face it, the boy loves scarves.

Let's face it the brotha loves him some scarves...Hmph I leaving it alone, regardless he will have one on handy for sexual bondage. I will give him a tai chi massage, because I here he like a nice tai or tai chi massage...and I will love him long time, with happy endings. Then we can uh watch Nip Tuck reruns and "Shawshank Redemption," as we apply Ultra Sheen to each other's scalp, because we use the same blue kind too. I mean sometimes I use the yellow or the green, depending on my mood, but mostly I use the blue kind too. I can make his widow's peak nice, sharp and pointy. I think its sexy. Also, I got the same hat in the last picture! I mean I actually love all of his off screen hat collection. I mean we're like soul Don't get me wrong I don't love everything. I'm not a tweeter fan, but I have had a chance to read his tweets over the year. He sometimes comes off a little too overly inspirational. Sometimes it feels a little forced, and not completely genuine. I could be wrong, but that's my feelings.I find it interesting that the celebrity guys I find attractive have bull dogs. I've featured him and his dog on this site before. Figure out who else I'm talking about.
Well, I'm going to close this post on his new look.
I know he looks like he is wearing a little makeup in this picture, but it was promo pictures for the new season. I still think he looks phineeee! Him and his faux hawk could get it!!!! I am seriously thinking that he might take my number one spot on my top three. Wouldn't like to know who my number one is...or was?
Call me Hosea.