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Thursday, May 21, 2009

Not ready to be an Orphan...Part II

I know I'm late on this, but this is in dedication of Mother's Day. I had decided to finish up on a post series I started last year. The conclusion to Not ready to be an Orphan Part I, since it was about my mother. Before the series...Are We there yet,Von, I received an email from a long time reader, but non commenter, about why I start stories in post and never finish or come back with the second part. This post is not only in dedication to the female motherer bloggers I know Southern Gal, Real Hustla, and Lady Nay, eventhough I don't think she reads my blog much anymore.I have enjoyed reading about O and Poca, and Ishmeal, and Real Hustla's other little girl, that I can't remember's name at this moment. I wanted to send out a belated Happy Mother's Day. I think Belated should be my middle name. Anyway better late than never right. I also wanted to send this out to one of my quiet blog readers Baij, who wanted to know what happen to my mother, if you are still out there, here it is, just as I had started many many months ago.

It amazes me how sometimes when you are going through something, you read something, or watch something, or talk to someone, that has a story that resonates with what you are going through at that same time. Well mine happen to be an episode of Frazier rerun. i happen to be watching this rerun the night before my mother's operation. In this episode Niles has some odd luck, some weird things happen and he thinks his chances have been to good, and based off something a friend tells him, he decides to go to the doctor. Well just like my mother he thinks everything is going to check out all right, but they find something on the test and decide that Niles needs to have surgery on his heart right away. Well in the follow up episode, that came on right after it, Niles is in the hospital, had has some flashbacks about other events that happen right there in that hospital, in his life. He describes how if hospital walls could talk what would they say about you.

Well, as I walked through one of the hospital's lobbies the morning of my mother's operation. I couldn't help think about that very same thing. Although this hospital has three different lobbies and main entrance. There Is one I remember always going into. As me and my mom and her surgery day entourage head to the set of elevators for her check-in I pass some club chairs that I remember sitting in one other occasion. Although from my mom's house, there is at least 4 hospitals I can think of off the top of my head that is in a 10-15 minute radius of her house, one being an university hospital, I can truly say I only remember experience with one hospital growing up. We lived in only two different houses, growing up, and they were only 5 minutes apart really. I was still in the same school district. Anyway as I walked into this familiar surroundings. I thought about my history in this hospital. As I was saying as I walked across the marble floors that morning and passed by the different sets of club chairs, I couldn't help but think about my experiences there. I started to think...really if these hospital walls could talk...

I would think it would say to me, You again?...long time no see. My how you have grown. boy time sure does fly...

This was the hospital that little over a couple decades ago my mother was told by my father you did good. That a nurse asked her, "...That's right, you haven't seen your son yet, have you? Now let me say this I see a lot of babies but I will have to admit Mrs. Black your son is the prettiest baby in the nursery right now." See back in the 80s when women had C-section, they knocked you completely out. Not like now, where from what I understand a woman's body is just numb from the neck or chest down, and they are awake for the whole thing. I was 6 or 8 hours old, before my mother saw me...
This was the same hospital where my father told my mother, to go down to the cafeteria to get him something, when I got my tonsils taken out. He wanted to be alone with me. As soon as she left, it was business time. We did what we did best negotiated. In order for me to be discharged from the hospital, I had to drink so much liquid. At that point I had drunk nothing, because it felt like razors going down. He knew me well back then, and propositioned me. If I drunk the required amount, I could rent 5 movies of whatever I wanted. I countered with 10. In the end we settled on 8 but I had to drink more than the required, to make him look good. By the time my mother got back all liquids had been consumed for the doctors. As crazy as it sounds for a 7 year older, I believe I ended up with everyone of the Police Academy movies...
This was the same hospital, where a year later, my grandmother visiting out from out of town, said she just didn't feel good and was rushed into the emergency room. Who was taken from this world, by God, that same evening, on Mother's Day...
This was the same hospital, a couple years ago, where a nurse asked my father was he alright?...and if he needed anything, to let her know and that she was going to leave the door open just in case..." This being after I snapped after another nurse and told her, "Yes he is fine, now leave us alone, now!" My heated words about things he had done in the past and after not seeing him for quite some time, filling the hallways, and scaring nurses...
This was the same hospital where the next day I finally let my years of anger towards him go, and forgave him...
This was the same hospital where one year later, I ran in and was greeted on those same marble floors and was told to sit in those same club chairs and told that, I was 5 minutes too late, and that my father died 5 minutes ago...

The stories and history of me and this particular hospital are endless and even more detailed. Even though it's a building I can't help but think of it as an old friend who has been watching you grow up and hold all your past. As we got onto the elevators, I couldn't help but think about what else journey the two of us will experience together. How else will it play a part in my life.

We go to the 4th floor, where my mother checks in. It's about 5:30 in the morning. One of the first surgeries of the day. I didn't sleep much the night before...well not at all to be honest. Had nothing to do anxiety or nervousness. Just wasn't sleepy, for some reason. Am attractive brown skin woman at the massive desk takes her into the code access doors and tells me and the entourage to wait 15 minutes. We all were quite, my family being completely quite isn't completely normal, that's for sure. They same lady, not sure if she is a nurse or what, she is dressed quite professional and and stylish, comes back out to tell us we can go in, for a few minutes before they start prep and anaesthesia. We head back to where she is. She is out of her clothes and has on her hospital gown and laying out in a bed, in a prep area, with her anaesthesiologist. apparently talking to him about his do I know, when I walk in she has to tell me all about what exactly he does, and for me to talk to him. Always on the hunt for a career path for me, that she thinks is mom approved and that she would want for me to have and pursue. To the very end she is worried about my future. Her words are always, "You are a parent to the day you die!" We all say a family prayer. That's when I can't handle it anymore. I look down at her, as my time back there is coming to an end, and we have to leave and it really hits me then, everything that is truly about to go down. This past several days, since the cauterization, I haven't got upset or cried, or thought really much at all about it. I felt almost numb. We just took care of business. She went through were all the import paperwork and insurance policies were. We went down the to do list she put together; shutters and doors painted, driveway reglazed, extensive cleaning. She said, that out of the normal company was going to be stopping by the house while she was in the hospital, and she didn't want things looking tacky. Of course she had to throw in, that if anything happen to her, she didn't want people saying she kept a tacky house. My aunt would add, "As if anyone would think of that from you!" Through all of this time not an inch of emotion from me. However realization finally hit me in this last minute, and I couldn't take it anymore. I broke down. I don't cry as much as an adult as I use too. I especially don't like to cry in front of others. I keep it together and in until i am alone, but you gets not show out of me. However I couldn't take it anymore and just broke down,I did one of those kid cries. As I was in the arms of one of my aunts, I mouthed to her, "Don't you leave me." She gave me what felt like the weakest smile that she could muster up and mouthed back "I'll try." Then she gave me that everything is okay smile, that I learned from her. I wiped my eyes and pulled away from my aunt, and told myself to get it together. I grabbed her purse, and the bag she had all the things she wore into the hospital, and we head back to the waiting area.

Sometimes I feel like things really do happen for a reason. The current one being me not sleeping the night before. As soon as we went back into the waiting, that was on another floor, sleepiness fell on me. There was several couches and we camped out and waited during the surgery. I had gotten some New blankets from the stylish sista who escorted, when my mother check-in, before going back to another floor. The only time I woke up was when we all went to the cafeteria for breakfast. The hospital has a McDonald's in it, but I wanted something different that a biscuit or hot cakes. I ate a waffle and bacon and cheese omelet freshly prepared the chef in the cafeteria, and went back up to her floor and went back to sleep. I was up worried or having my mind think about the unknown future or certainty. Here's the thing about bypass surgery, they actually take your heart out of your body and work on it. It's actually an amazing thing, when you think about it. They take your body down to a temperature of in the 60's I believe it is, I could be wrong, but I believe that's correct, and they take your heart out of your body. They cut you open, and open up your rib cage. They take a vein out of your leg and bypass reconnect heart with the veins over the blocked arteries. While under anything can happen, either a heart attack or stroke. The heart is what gives your body life. From 6 that morning, when we left her side until about 2:30 I was under, what felt like a deep sleep, except for the time we ate breakfast and the time the moved us to a different floor, where she had been moved. I was knocked out, in a peaceful sleep. I was woken up once and told that the had incurred a slight problem and had to go back in. Other than that it felt as if I had been drugged. I feel like that was all under a Divine plan. For the last few hours it was a little worry, because of the having to go back, because there was slight leakage of some sort. Still not quite sure what that meant.

Around 3, we got the call into waiting room, and told that two members at a time could come back to the double doors, where the doctor will meet us and see her. Me and my aunt Cece were the first two. As I walked down the ICU hall, and the doctor talking about what was going on I wasn't hearing a word he was saying. I needed to see my mother. As I walked into her ICU room, I was a little taken back, at what I saw. There my mother was wrapped up like a mummy by blankets and covers, with tubes and vets coming from her to machines. They had to have her covered up like that, to keep her warm after bringing her body temperature down so far. The only thing visible was right around her face.

After different rounds of two saw her for 5 minutes, the doctor told us the best thing to do is let her rest. He told us that there wasn't anything left for us to do at the hospital, and for us to go home and rest, and come back later that evening. He gave us the number to her private ICU nurse, and that we can call anytime we like and get a check up on her from the private nurse. We left and back around 8 that night, and still she had not woke up out of the anaesthesia. The nurse told us that everyone reacts differently and has different times of coming out of it. I call back at 11 that night, and she still was out of it. The next morning around 6:30, we get a call from the ICU floor, that around 4:30 AM my mother woke up. Her account is that two men lifted her up and shook her awake. The nurse insist that they never lift patience and shake them. My mother holds on to that feeling however. We I went back to see her, that morning. She greeted me with a weak smile. Her body was still very tired. It had been thrown a lot. I smiled and talked to her for a few minutes. She then mouthed to me "I didn't leave you." I mouthed back, "No you didn't."

The last few months of last year were kinda rough and rocky on her way back to recovery. I might go into some other time. This Mother's Day, I was quite thankful to have her. That I had another one to be with her and to show her how much I love her. I know there are many who can't say that. She is one of them.This Mother's Day was a particularly hard one. Although it was many years ago, as I said above, my grandmother died on Mother's Day. This year however Mother's Day was the exact day she died in May, over a decade ago. My mother says it may get easier, but never stop missing your mother, wants they are gone.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Chris Brown, You Can't Even Hold My Baby!

Okay I was writing and working on another post, that has actually been kind of hard for me to write about, but I think perhaps is needed for me to talk about, who knows. However that post will be reschedule for this post right here. This too is also delayed. I started writing this Saturday, but things came up...blah blah blah. I wouldn't be me if I wasn't a day late and a dllar short! So here is the post from Saturday.

Okay so today I've had a busy Saturday. Did a lot of things and tried to get a lot done today. Well, during my day today, there happens to be a certain subject that keeps resurfacing its ugly face, the subject once again is the Rhianna and Chris Brown, the saga. Now actually today, when I changed my Heavy Rotation and Moments on the right side panel, I was going to change my post signature and moniker "YB&DL has got Chris Brown's Back," to something else. Now I was only planning on having it up until April 6, which was his first court appearance, but decided to keep it until the whole thing went away. Here it is May and it's still not over yet. Today though I really was planning on changing it, because I was tired of seeing it. However today I keep getting, that whole saga, back in my face. I know everybody is so over hearing this, I know I am. However, people are still hanging on to their feelings about the whole mess though, and well I guess I am too.

Let me start with earlier today, when I went to go get an oil change and tire rotation. Well in the customer lounge and waiting room I decided to read some of their monthly subscription literature. There was the usual waiting room magazine's like People, Time, Readers Digest, US Weekly, and Home and Garden. However there was a couple unusual in my opinion like Vogue, Elle, and Vibe magazine. I thought that Vogue and Elle subscriptions were a little unusual for a auto and tire shop, then again it was in a suburban area, however that didn't explain the Vibe magazines. Now I have seen Ebony and Essence in certain places, the more...uh...white known black magazines, but the Vibe in the area I was in, just threw me. I decided to pick up last weeks copy of US Weekly, with Heidi Klum and Seal on the cover. They are apparently having baby number 4. Now this is completely off the subject but I have to comment on this for a moment. Now I get they have money and whatnot and Seal...loves when Heidi is pregnant, because he met her when she was pregnant, and she has been pregnant most of their relationship and she is never more beautiful than when she is pregnant...I heard him say that in some interview once after the last baby, but 4 babies is a lot nowadays. I sure he might mean it it, but Seal is trying to ruin Heidi for any other man, if they don't work out in the future, well at least for white guys. It's official he is turning her into one of those white woman who can never go back to white guys, because she has three or more biracial children. A white guy might deal with one or two, but three or more, we might as well issue her a black card because it's a wrap for white guys. I mean here we are at baby 4 and I'm sure it's not the last one, I feel it in my bones. I mean they are not giving her uterus much break either. The ages are 5, 3, 2 and one on the way. I'm sorry I'm sure they want a girl too, but I hope to God it's another boy, because the way she has those boys hair now, I would just feel bad if they had a little girl. I mean they have those boys running around looking straight like "momma do my hair!" I mean I sure a comb has never made its way into those Freddie from A Different World mops, they have on their heads. All I am saying is can you image the poor little girl with that wild do and older sis hair looking all in place.

Anyway back to the subject at hand. Well in this copy of US Weekly, there is a poll about Chris Brown. They have a picture of Chris Brown holding a fan's white baby, since the Rihanna Grammy "situation." That's what I'm going to call it a "situation." Anyway the question they asked or polled people, was "Would you let Chris Brown hold your baby since the domestic dispute?" or something of that nature, I can't quite remember the exact words. However what I did remember was that 67% said NO! Okay are you kidding me. I don't know what I find crazier the fact that they even asked that question to people or that 67% said "Hell Naw," and I'm sure that's how they actually answered the question. Is it really at that point. People are afraid for him to hold their babies. Its not like he is going to bite and beat a baby. When I think about this poll I think about a post I read on this celebrity blog,I guess you can call it. Another blogger turned me onto this site, it's not a gossip site but a celebrity news blog. They do interviews and show pictures, anyway the Blogger wrote about how earlier this month they sent out a "Happy Birthday To Chris Brown" on Twitter, and instantly lost 10 Twitter followers. I mean it was just two years a go he was getting a personal birthday call from Micheal Jackson on MY Sweet 16 show and now he can't get a simple happy birthday from anyone anymore. He can't hold babies and can't get a "It's your birthday!" anymore...I mean people truly feel like Chris Brown is a Monster!

After reading US Weekly, I moved on to Vibe magazine. I first read last month's issue with Keisha Cole on the cover and male model spread with Tyson Beckford and a bunch of hot negros in it. I then moved onto this month's current issue with Rhianna on the cover, with the headline "Rhianna & Chris What's Love Got To Do With It?" Referring to Tina Turner's 80's hit and the name of here autobiographically movie about her abusive relationship with Ike Turner. In the article they even refer to Chris Brown as a "New-school Ike" now was it not me that wrote a couple months ago about how Chris Brown is no Ike Turner. I knew it was coming in print soon enough, with that comparison. Now even though the article was about both Rihanna and Chris Brown, they just had her on the cover, I'm guessing they were to afraid to have him on the cover also. Fear that even the mere picture of him, would cost them sales. Jet earlier this month had him gracing the cover with Rihanna and now I here they are having sales difficulties...a connection perhaps? I don't think so, but ironic nonetheless. Let me first say that this has got to be the best article I have read on the Chris Brown and Rihanna situation yet. I left reading the article thinking I have got to start reading Vibe more often.

The article had so much in it, but I will try to sum it up for you.

I love how they start the article with a 2007 interview of Chris Brown. He talks bout being young and in the spotlight...."Being Young, you always have to have a wholesome image. But I'm not perfect, no body's perfect. I'm just a regular guy. I don't try to pretend like 'Oh, I'm so nice and I'm such a God'." He then talks about his tattoos that his manger was so mad that he gets. She feels every tattoo is another album sale lost. In the 2007 interview he describes the meanings of his tattoos. One being ninjas in dark to light. It represented his life and how he was a bad child doing wrong things but trying to follow his own path to the light. That he had demons as a child that he use to fight all the time. His demons was his hatred for his mom's abusive relationships boyfriends and step father. He goes on to say, "Seeing images like that as a kid, you want to inherit what you see, so he promised himself he would never that that kind of dude...How I'm never going to be that person that lets an argument get that that I would put a woman and child in that position." Demons I guess got the best of him that night in that car. The rest of the article was just eye opening. Even the background on Rihanna, was eye opening. What got me was that Rihanna's father the man who has been so vocal in the Rihanna camp and wanting justice against Chris Brown, is a man who has been addicted to crack for 25 years and who own daughter was so happy when he left her and her mother, when she was 14.

The rest of the article is a sorta rise and fall of the two. How they met in 2005, when they both were about to be signed to Def Jam at the same time, but she got signed and his A&R person got fired a day before he was to be signed. That A&R person would become his long term manager Tina. Let me just say this. After reading this article.I even more now feel that Chris Brown and manager Tina have been hittin' it for a minute now. From the time at Def Jam to when he got signed to Jive and released his album, he live with Tina Davis. I just feel it. They were shopping for music deals and she was teaching him how to work the media. It talked about them dating to that dreadful night.

There was something that caught my attention. When they interviewed some witnesses at the club where the Grammy Party they attended that night was thrown, they gave some interesting insight. The tension between the two started earlier in the day at rehearsal. Rihanna got very upset and a fight started in the dressing room earlier that day, about Chris hugging the club manger that he knew. Chris Brown's dancer's think Rihanna is crazy and insane flips out on him whenever her super jealousy comes out. They say there is two Chris Brown's the one who come out gregarious, joking, and performing, when he is by himself and other Chris Brown that comes in with Rihanna and doesn't move doesn't look anywhere but at her, that doesn't speak to anyone but her, and that is completely terrified to look in the wrong direction or talk to the wrong person. Now add that little combination to his other pressures and you have you boiling point.

The most insight full was Chris Brown's former bodyguard and Rihanna's current bodyguard, Chris Bush. Chris Brown gave him to Rihanna, I guess he felt she needed him more, as her 24-hour a day guard. He said that Chris was under so much restraints and pressure..."It's like caging a pit-eventually he's gonna lash out.I don't blame lil' homie. Whatever allegedly took place could have been prevented a long time ago, it just so happened to be this situation. It took place only due to repressed frustration. There is so many leeches around BOTH of them."

I feel he was under so much pressure. He has to be one thing, that his manager is trying to portray. He has to be one thing for everybody pushed by his manager and one way for his girlfriends, he has parazzi after him, whenever him and Rihanna are together they have people following them with cameras, add that with her being the crazy jealous girlfriend, who probably wants to smell his dick when he comes in to see if it smells like another women...and who wants to bet she has done that at least once. The boy exploded that night! I once again feel like this is not a case of on going domestic abuse like Ike Turner, but a case of over aggression getting quite out of hand!

After reading this article to be quite honest I felt bad. By the end of the article when Chris Bush, said they were the two of the most kind hearted people who in the industry, but were just thrown into turmoil, I just wanted to hug both of them. I really do feel sorry for both Chris and Rihanna, more for Chris than Rihanna however. She seems to be moving on going to rock concert the Met Gala and whatnot, seen all over town. Chris on the other hand is being portrayed as a potential baby beating man, can't get a happy birthday nigga sitting on a bench.

Okay I'm always apparently missing a Chris Brown spotting. The other week, My cousin called me and told me he saw Chris again. He is either seeing him at the gym or at the mall. Anyway he called me as said "Oh by hte way I saw Chris Brown the other day."
"Oh yeah, what was he doing?"
"Just chillin"
"Chillin?...chillin where?"
"Chillin on a bench."
10 second pause
"What do you mean chillin on a bench?"
"I mean he was just sitting on a bench"
Another 10 second pause
"Are you telling me Chris Brown was waiting on a bus bench?"
"No he was not waiting on a bus, he was just sitting on a bench at the mall"
"You sure he wasn't waiting on a bus, things are mighty bad lately?"
"I'm sure, he was just sitting there looking sad"
"Don't people be looking sad when they were once driving a Lambo and now are sitting on a bench."
"Don't worry, I saw the blue Lambo in hte parking lot of the mall"

Now I have heard on the radio and online, that they are both going through emotional things right now. Both are taking to alcohol, to heal their wounds. Rihanna drinking Vodka like it's water...don't know how much that is true. Chris loosing 15 or 20 pounds. I don't know, but my heart goes to the both of them. People say they want to be famous and they want this and that kind of life. Sometimes you need to be careful what you wish for, because there might be strings attached.

All I know is let me run into Chris Brown he would certainly get a ear full out of me. I truly have ideas for him, to turning his life around and this situation. Let me just run into him one time on a bench. He would thank his lucky stars. That's all I have to say, that and apparently YB&DL has still got Chris Brown's Back!