Friday, November 27, 2009
I wrote this last week. I really had reservations about posting this. I was upset, when I wrote it, but I had initially chopped this up as being one of those things, I wrote for my eyes only. I have many like that. However I criticize others about going long periods of time without posting, and I hadn't posted Anything for November yet. This was already written so, I thought why not post it, before November ends. I really haven't changed anything except my Book of the moment. Then I thought if I post it, make it a comment-less post. One where no one can comment. However I just going to let it all out. It a vulnerable side of me right now, that extremely bothers me, but who I am right now. I wrote this Wednesday of last week. My goal is to comeback strong after the holiday. So maybe in the beginning of December, I will write more. Here it is until then.
I feel so damn unpretty. I know not exactly a masculine feeling, but I say that, because for some reason, I've been thinking about the lyrics to TLC's "Unpretty." I keep thinking about the chorus, you know...
'You can buy your hair if it won't grow
You can fix your nose if he says so
You can buy all the make up
That M.A.C. can make
But if you can't look inside you
Find out who am I too
Be in the position to make me feel
So damn unpretty
I'll make you feel unpretty too'
Now unlike the song, nobody is making me feel unpretty, or unsexy...yeah let's say that, I feel unsexy, that's more manly or how about unhandsome... Anyway nobody is making me feel unsexy but myself. I think about what Katt Williams once said, about people saying that someone gave them low self esteem. He said that self esteem, is the esteem of Your self, can't nobody lower it but you! Now I don't know how accurate that statement really is. I think maybe others can contribute to lowering self worth and self esteem, but I guess ultimately you control where your self esteem goes, and I think mine has hit rock bottom.
Today I was at Macy's for their "One Day Biggest Sale of the Year." Which I feel they say all the time. However like the sales lady told me, but they mean it this time. she says that today is suppose to be even bigger than Black Friday. I mean even the one day part is a lie. It's actually two days, however yesterday they called it the "preview." The same sale except you can preview the sales and get them for the sale price on the "preview" day. Just fancy for a two day sale but one day seems more exciting and must have. I went out thinking it was going to be great prices without a bunch of fuss, because it's the middle of the week. However Macy's was crazy, was hard finding a parking space. You would have thought it was the Saturday before Christmas....Just Crazy. Anyway let's get down to the nitty gritty. It was indeed great prices today. However...however, however, however...hmmm
Let me just paint the picture...me sitting in the Men's department dressing room shirtless, with a pile of clothes surrounding me, and me just looking at myself in disgust, and me just looking at myself with those clothes, because I couldn't fit them. Now I know some of you think why not just get bigger sizes, which I could do, which I thought about doing. but I am going to tell it to you just like I felt in the dressing room, if I went up another size, that would mean what I dreaded was true. It wasn't me not being able to find my size that was the problem, but me fitting my usual sizes.
Okay Confession time...
I have joked with a couple people online and offline about this, but it was sorta joking the pain away, but here it is plain and simple. Today November of 2009, I would say I am uh roughly at least 30 to maybe 35 pounds heavier, than I was in November of 2008, or at least sometime last fall. Yep 35 pounds. Now I'm not 100 percent sure on that number, because...well I'm scared to check. I'm afraid to get on the scales and either find out it is more than 30 or so pounds, even though I don't think it is; or I'm afraid to check because, if it is 35, that makes it real and with evidence. However this clothing situation is actually evidence enough. I couldn't believe nothing was working. Every new shirt, vest, sweater, was bringing me down. Now I know some are thinking like I mentioned earlier, why not just go up a size and call it a day. I could, but if I went up a size then, it would officially mean I have went up not one but two shirt sizes in a year. When I got to the first size, I thought no big deal, but now that I'm not fitting that... Well, I just wasn't ready for that reality. I don't know why though I should have been used to it. I was hit with it Sunday. Getting ready for church was crazy. I'm going through shirt after shirt, and nothing was fitting. I'm taking dress shirts out the cleaner plastic, and the stuff isn't wrapping itself around my body. Now I have notice over the year certain suit jackets feeling a bit more snug, but actually in the last couple months, it seems as if I'm becoming the Incredible Hulk, about to bust through my clothes. Sunday I was tripping in the mirror like, dang, didn't this shirt fit two months ago, now the buttons are looking like they are holding on for dear life. That's how the buttons have been looking like lately...like they are in a wind storm holding on, so that the big wind beast (My belly) doesn't sweep them away.
Now I know why I have gain the weight, I'm not dumb. Last year I was going to the gym like 5 times a week...on a good week 6 times, in expensive boxing too, had a trainer, blah blah blah. I felt guilty if I missed to many days, and not going to the gym long enough. This year...uh well, earlier this year it started off rough. I actually think it started in the end of last year, when the medical situation, with the Moms happened, I got out the habit of going to the gym, and then when I tried to get back in the swing, in the late winter/early spring, it just never happened, at least not what it was before. Instead of feeling guilty for missing days, and not going I felt kinda like I didn't want to be there. That's just it, I just don't feel like going. I guess I just got tire of being one of those people who has to work at maintaining. Work at looking decent. I know so many people who don't have to go to the gym. They eat what they want, and nothing happens. I think about Red Robins burger...uh lets say the one with the fried egg on it, or the one with the onion rings on it...oh wait, they may not have the one with the onion rings, hmmm not sure, but anyway I like them with the onion rings on the actual burger...A Red Robins cheese burger with the fried egg on it and the onion rings on the burger, with the honey mustard sauce....and well I gain 2 pounds, just thinking about it. Oops there goes my button just writing about that damn burger.
Anyway back to the dressing room at Macy's. I tell people always to remain optimistic. Instead of saying fat say something else. Not to long ago Lady Nay had something similar, and I was trying to tell her to use optimistic words, but I guess easier said than done, because I feel so fat and nasty. I am bigger, than I have ever been in my life. I feel so...low. Usually I tell someone to look for other positives, when you see a negative, but I had none. My go to is usually my face and skin. I have good skin...I have a good skin routine, and genetically I have good skin. However today...I don't know...it's all broken out. I don't know whether I put something on it that I shouldn't or been around something I might be allergic to and don't know or what. My skin is sensitive, I put the wrong heavy cream or lotion and I look like I have hives on my face. I think this time, it maybe sodas, I think my water to soda ration it to high, and I've had to much soda, which also breaks me out. Then there is my hair. Long story, actually another sore spot for me...I got a Kim from Real Desperate Housewives of Atlanta, type reasoning going on with my hair. Medical reasons, not cancer, but medical reasons and it's not premature balding, but it looks like it is. Either way another positive of mine is gone. I should have shaved my face today too. I looked rough. Kinda Grisly Adams. I just was a hot mess in that dressing room. I folded and re hung the clothes and put them back. I used to work in retail, that's just polite and considerate. I put my Sean John black hoodie back on, with the hood on my head, and my dark black sunglasses and hid myself from the world, as I got out of the store.
I felt like going home and hiding, and consoling myself, with Krispy Kreme Doughnuts and Munchies, those fit me so well. They fit me, because that's what I love to do it much on chips and stuff. I love the white cheddar cheese popcorn by Smartfood. Love those. I also love the Entenmann's Super Cinnamon Roll. In my opinion the best substitute for the mall's Cinnabon. You know it took all the strength in the world to not go tot CinnaBon, when I left Macy's. I was feeling low enough where that would have made me feel somewhat better. I mean that's what makes me feel better about my weight, to eat something comforting, yet the worse thing to eat when concerning my weight a bad cycle I'm in, I know! Let me say this, there is a reason STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS, take understanding in that. I just wanted to go there, because lately I haven't been able to find the Entenmann's Super Cinnamon rolls. I hope they have stopped making them. The beast who wants to go home and hide and eat his cinnamon rolls.
That's how I feel like the hideous beast. Like the beast from the Beauty and the beast story. I'm the once handsome prince, now the ugly beast who needs to be shielded from he world and held up in his home. I felt like in Macy's everyone was looking at me like who let that fat, ugly, son of a gun, in need of a shave, and a fresh low fade, because his hair has grown and shows its scarce places of growth, beast of a man. Now I'm sure they were looking at me and thinking those things...well, not all of Macy's. However that's how I feel right now. I wish I knew how to fake the funk better, but it is getting harder and harder. before I would say when you are feeling low or insecure, just fake it. Fake the confidence. Carry yourself well and act with confidence that you are sexy and got it going on, then that is sexy. Confidence is Sexy, even if it isn't 100 percent genuine, nobody has to know but you. However I can't even fake it. I still dress well, and carry myself well, but it's hard to fake the funk, or fake the confidence. I'm feeling low. A couple people have even mentioned a difference in my attitude. I can't help it, I just don't like what I see, when I look in the mirror lately.
Some people act like they don't see it, but I know they do...if I do, they do. It bothers me. Some however are very vocal about seeing the difference. I think that may have something to do with my period of lack of sex right now. Now yes, A big part of it was me being tired of Men, and the experiences I have been having this year, and me needing time to work on myself on the inside; however a tiny part I think may also be that I feel too unsexy to be hooking up right now. A couple months ago, when I was having all those crazy horrible experiences, I had one, I didn't blog about. I hooked up with this guy I have know for a minute. The last time we hooked up was last year. That was the only other time. Anyway we meet, and we rekindle a one time thing. Everything is cool, until I get undress. He then says, while I'm just in my draws, "Damn, what you been eating, since last year?!" He says this as he pokes my belly, like he is expecting me to giggle like the gosh damn Pillsbury dough boy. I was shocked and well mortified. Who waits to say that, to a sexual partner, when someone is naked and vulnerable. Here is the catcher, he had put on a couple pounds since last year himself. Granted maybe not as much as me, but he had, so I mentioned that. He takes pride in it, and tells me, "Everything!" He goes in about how even that night he had some off the chain chili cheese fries, that was so good he had to get another large batch. Now on a sane person, they would stop everything right there and get dress and leave when told something about their weight like that. However my crazy tell had something to prove then. How even though I had put more weight on, I still was great. However, things didn't end well that night. We had got hot and heavy and really into thing, I'm working hard, when...well ole boy's chili cheese fries got the best of him. He started farting up a storm, when suddenly he jumped up and ran to the bathroom, yelling about the chili cheese fries were turning on him. He then proceeded to blow up the spot. Here is the catcher, he didn't have any toilet paper. He had me searching his spot for toilet paper or paper towels. Was out of those too. I finally found him some McDonald's napkins, for him to use. I was polite I waited until he finished, before I bounce. Needless to say I was completely out of the mood then. Right before I left, he was talking about let's exchange numbers so we won't get disconnected again. I told him I was good. No need to even bother with him keeping in touch, if he sees my fat ass in the street that would be suffice enough for me.
Wow, me getting off the subject again. However that night was rough. That's when I really, realized that others notice the weight gain too. Some say they don't. Pickle doesn't seem to act like he has. Since me abstaining from sex for a while, he has seemed to gotten life from that. Texting me all the time about bringing my sexy tail over to his house and what all the things he wants to do. It's flattering at first, but then my mind gets to working. Does he really think I'm sexy or is he just saying that?...What exactly does he find sexy about me?...Is it everything, or is it what I do between the sheets?...Should I ask he, why exactly does he want me? I stop things right there. As much as I want to ask him. I don't One thing that is absolutely unsexy, is asking a guy what is sexy or why do they find you sexy. It shows insecurities. That is true low self esteem behavior. I haven't mentioned my feelings on my weight to him, but I have talked about it with my married DL acquaintance. I haven't specifically talked about him, but I have, you just didn't know it. I plan on talking more about him in the near future. Certain blog post have been about him. Anyway I mentioned it to him, and he told me some mess like "Y you is a young classy dude, at any weight you are sexy, by the way you carry yourself...yada yada yada." That was find until he said, but if you really feel that way, hit the gym more often. He then mentioned having a gym buddy, to encourage me. He offered himself. He works out at the YMCA, and the YMCA he works out at is a DL meat marked. I think he picks up more dudes, than works out himself. Not ideal. And then there is Von...well, Von seems oblivious to it all, but maybe he had notice a difference in me too, I'm not sure. I haven't seen him since that Labor day Weekend, that I blogged about, but before then the sex had dwindled and mostly on his part, maybe he noticed the weight gain. He did know me prior it....not sure, but one of the things I have been thinking about.
Anyway it always seems to be easier to believe the worse stuff, than the good.
Let me say this huge disclaimer, and I'm saying it at the end, to see who actually reads the end. I do not want to hear any bull shit comments like... "All you have to do is eat right and exercise regular and everything will work out all right!" It's like Gee Golly Whiz, Really? I didn't know that. Don't tell me any bull shit that I already know. I know what I have to do. REGARDLESS of how I feel, I know I have to get back in the swing of exercising. That's life sometimes you have to do, what you don't want to do or like to do, but what you need to do!
So here it is the night after Thanksgiving. I have much to be thankful for. I had a pretty decent one. A little dram, but that's family for you. all in all a good day. Now since it's this particular holiday is almost over. I can star to try to loose some weight before Christmas gets here, We will see!