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Tuesday, December 23, 2008

EbeNegro Scrooge


For some reason, this year,I can not get into the Christmas spirit. I truly feel like saying, "Bah HUMBUG!!!" I just am sick of it all. There use to be a time, that I loves this time of the year. Nothing I loved more than riding around looking at Christmas lights. I loved decorating our house for Christmas..liked having a better yard, than the neighbors, and them trying to step it up the following year, but us stepping it up even more the following. I loved shopping for others, picking out the perfect gift. I don't know, but shopping, is one thing i can do. I can pick out usually the perfect gift for someone. Either something they need, or something, they truly should have.I love the Winter, so this holiday, always felt right, made me feel warm inside. I love Christmas albums, my favorite being Bebe and Cece Winans' First Christmas. I love my family getting together, and having it's annual family argument about something from something cultural...to political...to biblical. Getting up and getting what I wanted, or what I asked for..or some years, what I bought on my parents credit card, and wrapped myself and put, "From them, To me" on it...last year they were generous...lol
However this year, for the life of me, I can not get into the Christmas spirit. I don't want to buy squat for nobody. Maybe it's years of me picking out the perfect gift and in return I get the disappointment gift. Screw that whole it was the thought that count bull shit, because to be honest for some I wonder what exactly was the thought. Last year, for some there was no thought at all...how do I know, because with my gift, came no gift from them...I got a few, "I got your gift coming after Christmas," and come February still nothing. I know this season is about giving and not receiving, but sometimes...I'm just tired of giving and not receiving. It kind of makes me feel like I love you, more than you love me. Don't get me wrong I know some don't have it to give, but...every year?... and well this year I'm joining the club. It's not only that I don't feel like picking out anything or even going to the mall, and thinking about someone else this year.

I don't give a rats fat ass about Christmas decorations...I wouldn't even put up a Christmas tree, if not coerce to. At times I feel like I can't wait to the new year gets here. A part of me wouldn't mind seeing some of my family, but a part of me is like if their nappy ass says one thing to me, is on like Donkey Kong...come on say something to me...I wish you would... I wish your black ass would! And if I here Donny Hathaway sing "This Christmas" one more time!, let alone Chris Brown with his little rendition...Boys II Men you too, take your Holy Night and Let it Snow asses and shove it... Micheal, you Jermaine and Tito take Jackie and Marlon and take that "I saw Mommy kissing Santa Clause" to next year, because this year, I ain't having it. I can't stand to see one more Christmas movie or song nothing. Take it away. I'm just not in the mood.

The only reason I have even been to the mall, is to buy my Aunt Cece gifts, to her grandchildren...My first cousins children. She says she don't know about Nintendo DS games...that's how it started, then it went from that, to while you are out...pick up this for me. I then bought here presents to her in laws, then for my other cousins, her other grandchildren, who are a 15 and 16 a boy and a girl..."You will know what the young kids are wearing more than I would and you have good taste...here's the budget go for it"

Why is it you always run into someone, you haven't seen in awhile, on the day you are looking your roughest. That's another thing I hate about this holiday, it brings people out to shop, that maybe you wouldn't normally see. So I'm in Express looking for a skirt for my 15 year old cousin. I see a girl I haven't seen, since literally the day we graduated...I wasn't looking completely tore up, but I was looking rough. I hadn't shaved in a minute...I just wasn't looking like I would want to look after not seeing some one for over 4 years. I tried to hide as she pass by me, and I thought I was cool until I take a pair of pants up to the counter, to ask a question about them. That's when I realize she worked there. She was busy with other customers, but noticed me, when her manager singled me out about the pair of pants I brought up, she told me that I wouldn't want to buy those, because when the sweat, they smell like fish...I left that comment and those pants alone. However of course Arie noticed me then, and I had to say hi. Her nickname in high school was black barbie, because she actually looked like the black barbie...From the hair, which was real down her back...to her smile...to her perfect C cup breast...she just looked it. It's ironic, but it was this same time our junior year in high school that I bought her a Christmas/Birthday gift. She asked me to get her a red corvette car...model size of course, and my black ass did it, I believe I paid $30 dollars for that car too. However on mine, I got a empty handed "Happy Birthday Young!" Hmmm...Anyway I feel like I have gotten off the subject at hand. I picked out a nice skirt, and called it a day, but not before running into two more people at different malls actually. I knew better, you never know who you will run it.

Part of it, is that people owe me money, why should I buy you something, when you owe me money! You know the only person I have not felt bad enough not to give to is the Salvation army. I have given good to them this year. I feel so guilty passing those bell ringers, without putting at least a dollar in. One day I had put a dollar in every place I went. I think at the end of that day, it was like 8 dollars. One day I tried to walk into a grocery store, without making eye contact with the bell ringer, and this negro had the nerve to single me out. He yells "Hey Brotha, Happy Holidays!" Can you believe him! I look around and there is white people walking in the same times as me, but he singles me out. I gave him a buck going in and coming out the store...damnit!

The only shopping I really have done for myself, is for myself. That's when I realize, I have got to go back to the gym.I haven't been to the gym in like 2 and half months, plus I have been eating comfort foods, which isn't bad it you work it off, so your boy has put on some weight back on. It feels like it just flew back on, I look swollen. I was going to the gym the other day, when I realize I had to renew my contract, the end of November. I'm going to wait until Christmas Eve, because I saw on the Today show, that Christmas and New Year's Eve, are the best times of the Year to join or renew your contract at the Gym, because it's the absolute slowest days at the gym, and they usually have quotas to feel a day, so they will do whatever to keep your business or get it, on those days. That's another thing about running into people during the holidays.

I will have to admit one thing. Things did change for minute. When I finally decorated and lit the tree Friday. I did get that holiday warmness, when I look at it...Maybe you just have to force yourself, and the spirit will come!

Anyway, I hope y'all all have a great holiday, I guess my next post will be the First of the year, more likely...who knows. I hope everybody in blog world has a great and safe holiday!

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

I need some Great Sex or a Great Sexual Experience

I am going to postpone my regular post for a few, and write this much need post. I feel that if I put it out there in the universe, then maybe it will come to me or something.


I feel that I am in the need for some Great sex...I will even seddle for good. Now don't get me wrong or anything, it's not like I'm horny or anything...I gets mine. It's not like I need sex, but I feel like I need some GREAT sex. I'm talking about that right eye fluttering...left eye closed...left leg shacking...right leg stiff as a board...nails in your back and I just want to dig into you, because I can't stand the pleasure...shallow, yet at the same time heavy breathing...say my name, because literally for a moment I can't remember my own name... I know what Floetry meant, all I want to do is say yes... yes...y-e-s hitting absolutely all the right spots...I think my name starts with a C...I just want to do nasty things back to you...or maybe it was a K...did I mention yes baby type of Good Sex. I just feel like I'm having some hum drum...beige...I really don't like you, but you have the right things needed for the moment type of sex. I don't know when the last time I've had some good sex. I want to say early summer, perhaps late spring. His name was Treyquan or something with a T...I remember he had gold grills, in his mouth. I remember, because he was the first and to this day only guy I have been with, who had gold grills, and I believe he kept them in the whole time we got busy too. I thought he was going to take them out, but he never did. I thought that it was going to be a challenge for him to do something, but no the boy had some skills....I lost his number...if I would have know that that was the last time I had some amazing... how yah do, then I would have guarded his number like Hope freaking diamond I tell yah.

Now for some of you who think any sex is Great sex...well then...good for you, but for me I know the difference. It reminds me about a couple of months ago on Chris Rocks last comedy special To Kill the Messenger...he goes on to say that men have two types of climaxes. They have the ketchup type of climax, where...well we all grown here, so I will say it...ejaculation... comes out slow and like ketchup...blop...blop...blop. I feel like that's what I have been having. Then you have the other type of climax, that shoots out like a civil rights hose, and screams "Free at last...Free at last... Thank God almighty I'm Free at last!" However some people think, if a guy ejaculates, then everything is honky dorey...everything is all good in the city...uh not necessarily. Chris Rock also goes on about, "Just because he cums, doesn't mean you made him come!". He talks about how women think just because a man cums, then everything is good. Here's the thing I think some men who get down, think the same thing. Let me let you all in on a little secret...sometimes...it's...just... some...good..ole...enough...FRICTION!

The Fall and Winter is my favorite time of the year.I love the crisp weather and whatnot, but it's like the freaks go into hibernation for the winter , and won't be back until the spring. Now I guess I should be thankful, I'm getting what I'm getting but, but it just feels so blah. I mean it's just nothing to write home about..not saying I would write home about it, if it was great, but just not good. Now don't get me wrong I have had several civil rights explosions, but they were with Triple M...Me,Myself,and Moi. I think there is a problem, when I have a better orgasm by myself, than with someone else... then it's like what's the point of a sexual partner. It just feels like I need more of something I'm not getting.

That's how I felt when I was messing around with Von, that something wasn't quite being satisfied. However my experiences with Von was always great. Now I know I didn't go much into Von or talk about him much and me and him..well I meant too but never got around to posting about it. I messed around with Von for minute. Anyway even though he never took me to that Great sex climax, our sexual experience were HOT and Great. I don't know how to explain it. It's like Great sex is the techniques... the movements... the skills... the things done. Great Sexual Experience, is the person... the passion... the beginning and the becoming of the sex... the intense feeling... the attraction.

So I'm not completely on the search for a Great orgasm, a Great Sexual Experience will do. To be honest some of my most rememberable and Greatest Sexual Experiences, didn't always end with me ejaculated at all. Vice versa too...not all of my great sex involved a Great Sexual Experience. Like that Treyquan person although the sex was great, the experience was, lack luster to say the least...it was just two niggas hooking up.

Here's the thing, whether it is Great sex or a Great Sexual Experience, I'm not having either one and I need one or the other. I would love, if I could have both, and not for just one night either, for a consecutive period of time. I think it's about time. I just going to put it out there and hope it comes to me.

Anyway back to our regularly schedule post in a few...

Monday, December 8, 2008

Blog A.D.D. but I'm Back!


First and foremost, let me say thank you, for your prayers and concerns. They meant a lot to me. Second, I know I have been M.I.A. for minute, but I just been going through a lot and well I just didn't feel like blogging. I know I left a lot of you on hangin, but...well is that anything new from me. I'm sure some of you thought I was dead, for future reference if it goes two months without a word from me...then..well that's not good. It hasn't been two months with a word form me this time, but think about that for next.

Now I don't know what was going on with me, but when I finally was ready to blog I couldn't stay focus. I was all over the place in topics, and even just trying to stay focus on the post below.I know it's a long one, but what can I say! It was a long day. It took me forever to get all my thought down on that post below. I couldn't stay focus for the life of me. After received an email from a fellow blogger this week, I decided I had to stay focus enough to finish that post...and well a week later here we are...I'm telling you it is hard as hell to get back in the groove.

Now Since I have been a way, I really hadn't been in he mood to read every one's blog...well no one's blog actually. However I plan on catching up with every one's post..in due time people. I have a lot of reading to do. It started with me not feeling like it a first, then it went to me thinking I should post first before commenting on others, and I couldn't stay focus, therefore I wasn't reading.

Anyway your favorite Down and Dirty Lover Boy's Back!

P.S. and can someonoe help me fix my blog, with one click I screw the whole thing up and and I can't remember how to get it back, it feels off balance!

Not ready to be an Orphan...Part I


I can't believe the words that are coming out of his mouth. "She has three blockages, one 70%, one being 80% , and one being 90%, we are most likely looking at having to operate".... I can't believe that just a few minutes ago I was laughing and making jokes and now, I'm hearing words, that could shatter my world.

Let me start at the beginning... so a couple of weeks ago, my mother feels this sharp tingly feeling flow for a minute down her neck for a minute. Most wouldn't give it another thought, if that was the only time, and never happened again, even she had thought this. However there was something about this feeling, that made her nervous, and she felt that she needed to get it checked out. She went in for a physical, where they didn't find anything unusual, but they thought she needed more test. Those test is what led to the ultimately cardiac catherization test. This is a procedure, where they go through your upper leg pelvic region, and I believe shoot ink through your veins or something like that to check your arteries and check blockage and heart valves. It's an out patient procedure, where the patients is awake the whole time, and done by a cardiologist. It's only like 45 mins long, but takes like 4 hours to recover to be able to leave.

She is suppose to have someone there the whole time and to take her home, because she can't drive after the procedure. So me and one of my aunts go, and a family friend comes for support. We sit in the waiting room for a little while, and me and the family friend go down to the cafeteria, until she gets out, to grab something to drink, and see what they have to eat. We don't eat anything, grab our drinks, and I suggest, we run up to the maternity floor and check out the babies. I don't have much experience with the maternity floor, but I imagined it being like on television and busy nurse desk and men rushing their women to the desk, with comments, like "Her contractions are 3 mins apart", or something like that. Nurses rushing the pregnant women to delivery rooms, and stuff like that. However, that is not what I got, that maternity ward was so quite and dull, nothing like I thought it would be.I mean it wasn't like it was some small hospital in the middle of the sticks, kinda of the opposite. There is only one family in the waiting room watching "The View", waiting for their known mother to be, to deliver, and then there is only one nurse at the nurse desk, at a computer, looking like she is checking her email or Myspace page instead of anything to do with pregnant women, I bet. We go to the nursery, and I'm expected all the babies in the window, with name tags like "Baby Girl Jones", "Baby Boy Newman", but what I got was a nursery, with a black curtain drawn, and a sign saying,"Shhhh...please be considerate, babies are sleeping, even they need to get their sleep". I take a peek through the side of the curtain, that really gave me a good look, and I don't see any babies, but one, that was in an incubator. I go to the nurse desk, and ask her "Why are y'all perpetrating, like y'all have babies, when there isn't, and with some sign acting like there is, but they are sleep?" She tells me something about they are with they mommas. I was like why not just say that, what's up with the big cover up. As we get on the elevator we are laughing about the whole experience.


When we are back to the floor, that my mother is on, we see my aunt isn't in the waiting room anymore, so we go to the recovery room, my mother is suppose to be after the procedure, and as we are coming in, my aunt is leaving. The minute she sees us, she starts to cry, she wasn't crying until she saw us. See this aunt has the unbelievable talent to cry in 0 to 180, in a drop of a dime. She says she can't handle this. I rush pass her, to see what is going on. The doctor is their talking to my mother, he introduces himself to me, and he proceeds, to explain to me that my mother has three blocked arteries. As he is explaining the percentages blocked, it almost feels like a surreal moment. It was like not my mother...I just knew without that they were not going to find anything...I can't be hearing him correctly...Oh my god, I'm not ready to be an orphan.As he continues to talk, I just look at her lying there quietly, she hadn't said anything since we came in and she introduced me to the doctor. She just looks back at me, no more words exchanged. The family friend ask him, "So what do we do about this?" He then explains that we have three options. The first, is to do nothing, which he feels is not in the best interest, but it is still an option...Next!... Option two, is that they could but stints in...I can't remember exactly what he said they do, but I do remember that he said one of her blockages, the 90% one, was located in an area, where they wouldn't be able to put a stint in...Okay next...Option three, to have a Triple bypass surgery. They will open her up, take veins from her leg, and use them to reconfigure her heart, and take the veins and bypass over the blockages literally.

"It has a greater risk than the first two options, but it has a greatest reward too", is how the doctor explained it. However, those same thoughts kept running through my mind...I'm not ready to be an orphan! I heard someone tell my mother years ago, when my grandmother died, that no matter what age you are, once your parents die, you are technically an orphan, whether you are 5 or 55 you are technically an orphan. I don't know what it was about that moment, that made me remember that. It was at that moment, I truly realized, how much growing,I still had to do, and I wasn't ready for her to leave my life now. After about 5 minutes, of theses thoughts and feelings, I knew it was times to bring them into check. I don't know how my face looked, but I knew I had to reel my thoughts in...I kept telling myself she will be fine...I'm not ready for her to go, and God knows it, he knows he can't leave me alone with my family... and she just retired a year and half ago...she can't die after just retiring, she is suppose to get a few more years of relaxation and comfort...She will be fine, she has to be. I hadn't said anything this whole time, but I know it's showtime. I through on a warm smile, the best I can and I keep it together. She does the exact same thing, both of us trying to protect the other, both trying to be strong for the other. I tell her I'm going to go check on my Aunt Ina. I go out to the waiting room and I see that she is still crying, but on some strange woman's arms. I ask her, "Whose is this?" She stops crying for a moment, she looks at me and then at the woman and says "I don't know" Then starts crying again, the woman's arms wrapped around her shoulder's and gently patting her. Irritated now, I'm thinking to myself, we just can't take you anywhere, can we?

Not to long later, my other aunt calls, to see how things went. I answer it and tell her, what I had just learned. She ask me what is ruckus in the background, I tell her that it's her sister crying like a baby, she just sighs, and I can feel her eyes rolling over the phone, but she doesn't say anything, that's my Aunt CeCe's style, there is a time and place for true comments. She asks me am I crying too, I tell her no, and she says good, someone should be strong and have some sense at this time, for my mother. I get off the phone with her and now my Aunt Ina, is crying and on the shoulder with the family friend. As I sit on the window seal and look down at the busyness of the lobby, I hear my Aunt Ina, crying and going on to the family friend about how first her brother and now my mother she can't handle all that is going on in our family right now. The family friend said "But his surgery was two years ago, he's good now, right?" I turn my head to see was exactly she will say. Just as the tears started they stop. She looks at me and I look back at her, nothing said, but we both know that we are thinking the same thing. Yes my uncle did have this same surgery, but this is the same surgery that he needed the pain pills, which led to the relapse of a 15 year drug recovery. Yes... the same uncle from the journey post I wrote about a couple months ago. She looks at me and tells her, "You're right, he's fine now." Keeping the real truth where it belongs for the time being.

A hour or so, into the recovery time, I'm out in the waiting room, with the family friend. I've been in my own little world since the news. They are in a deep conversation, with a young woman also in the waiting room. She is waiting to take her catherization test. Turns out that two months ago this woman had three stints put in after she had two heart attacks. She had been walking around after having two heart attacks, but thinking she had just the flu. At 37 she was rushed to the emergency room after passing out at work, that's when the realized she had had heart attacks that week and didn't even know it. She was there with her older brother. I really didn't pay much attention to him, until he mentions how the smell of ammonia was still on his hands. The hands...that's what I noticed first about him. These thick long vein red hands. Then I noticed the rest when he got up and went to the bathroom down the hall to wash them. Sexy red bone man about in his early 40, the edges of a man, that was definitely rough. When he returns I really notice him. I can tell that in his younger years he was definitely a hottie, but even in his early 40s he has this cute child like sexiness. However I shrug off those thoughts and go back to thinking about things I know, we are going to have to do, before the surgery. I know my mother and I know she has her to do list already.

When the family friend leaves, because of an appointment, she has, I then begin to talk to the sister of sexy red bone. Well I should say, she was talking to me. Her brother was in grossed in a episode of Jerry Springer. I thought people was over that show, in the late 90s. She is telling me how, she is ready to get back to work and whatnot, and hope, everything is okay now. How a couple of their siblings has had health problems like this already. Apparently the really two healthy ones is the brother beside her and the 400 pound brother, who even though is rather large, is quite healthy...um okay. I ask sexy red bone, that even though he doesn't have any symptoms, since it's obviously running in their family, is he going to get checked out. He says, no because he has always been small, and that he eats well do to time he spent away...code for this nigga been to prison. I tell him that being small has nothing to do with it, his sister is small, big booty, but actually a small build woman. When his sister goes in for her procedure, his bounces to go get something to eat.

Me and my aunt alternate being company in my moms recover, she is only allowed one person at a time in her recovery room. When I'm in there, just like I expected she is running down the to do list before she goes into the surgery. "We got to get on the ball for the annual fall upkeep, have to call Kenny(our painter for years) to come out and paint the shutter and doors, than my new room hasn't been painted yet...then we have to call Phil to aerate the yard and seed and fertilized before it gets any later in the year... I want the driveway to be sealed.." I mention how she did that in February, and she says, she wants it shinning, for when guest come and visit her in her recovery. I leave it at that. "... I need to call the furniture store when we get home and tell them to cancel the order for the chair I just bought, I guess it's a good thing I refinished that room upstairs, I'm going to need it now, not going to be doing to much going up and down the stairs for a while. You are going to have to take care of everything..."

45 mins later I'm back in the waiting room, when sexy red bone returns...damn this nigga is hot. He has a bag full of chips and soda and cookies. I mention how I thought he was going out for lunch, not snack time. He mentions how, he wanted some McDonald's, but he had been driving around the area, and couldn't find one, and how he didn't want to drive away to far, because technically he wasn't suppose to leave anyway. I mention that there is a McDonald's, in the area, that was actually quite close, is ask where, I say down stairs on the first floor. He looks at me crazy, and I tell him that the hospital has its own McDonald's as well as a cafeteria. We talk some more, now about Maury, now that that it's on. He mentions how he knows someone who was on Maury about being some girl's baby daddy. I ask who...he says, his former cell mate, he "Was Not the father" by the way. Bingo though,I knew he had been to prison. I ask for drugs, I can be bold like that at times. He says yeah once for drugs distribution, and the other for assault. All together he was in jail for I believe 8 or 9 years. in my mind, I'm thinking... My experience has told me that guys who have been to prison for more than five years, have a high chance of a past of getting down with other guys. I ask him a couple questions about prison, the fact that he is 40 and no kids or a current wife, is divorced though...lmao...I mean I was fishing for a clue that he has gotten with a guy before.

I got up to go to the bathroom, and that's when I noticed that sexy red bone had given me a semi hard on.Hoping he is so engrossed in Maury he doesn't notice through my polyester long gym pants, that I was wearing, but I think he did. Anyway, I return and after adjusting and well...getting myself back down. I don't remember exactly but we got on the topic about life. Perhaps us being in a hospital..anyway, we are more specifically talking about types of people in life, and how they live them. I think it stemmed from one of my questions about prison. Either way he started talking about how you have people who live on the rails and those who live in their shell. Tis post is already a couple paragraphs past too long, so let me try to sum this up nice a sweet. Because of the way he was raise poor, with a single mother, and quite a few siblings, he had to grow up fast, and learned to live life on the edge, i.e. selling drugs and etc. The etc. is what I was interested in. Blah blah... he makes the statement that he can tell I am a "Shell" person. He continues that I am the type of person that take be cause to really way the pros and cons of things. That I just don't do things, I think about them greatly...that I worry about the right thing first instead of just doing things...that I worry about what people will say...worry about the repercussions of the situation first, before anything else. All I can say, is that "What makes you so sure, you got me pinned?" Meanwhile I'm thinking Dang, is that me? Am I a Shell person. He then starts to question me like I was doing to him earlier, about what makes me not a "shell" person. It's as if he is testing me. I want so badly to ask him to meet me in the bathroom, and just do some crazy as things. It was as if he knew that's what I wanted too and he wanted to prove he was right. He then says,"Face it you are are one of those people who doesn't worry about what makes you happy, but about making the right decision, and what people will think or what will happen if you make the wrong decision. I do what I want, and don't give a damn what some one says about it.I done almaost everything imaginable, I don't put all my businessout there, but I don't care what someone is going to think or say either. It was as if he was reading my mind, because I was struggling with myself, in making a move or not. I kept thinking, I've never been that bold with some guy, that I didn't know for sure got down...well at least not during day hours. Then there was the whole my mother, and what was going on with her, this was inappropriate what I was thinking or what I wanted to do, but then again sex does make me feel better. Then there was the fact that my family was just in the next room, what if he didn't get down and the assault part of him comes out...what if even though though it was a very quite men's bathroom, I mean I think we were the only men who had used it, in all these hours...what if we got caught, and my family got whiff of it. I can't let my secret out like that. I can't be careless this close to home. This debate was just going through my mind. As I got quite he leans back with a slight smirk, as if he knew what I was thinking and that he was right. My leg is bouncing hard. I want to prove him wrong, although he is right...His eyes go back to the T.V...I think to myself Oh screw it, I'm going for it!...Right then like on cue or something the nurse comes out and calls him in, his sister is out of her procedure. He gets up and I'm left in my shell.

A little while later it is time for us to take my mother home. On to another obstacle...

Solange is definetely a Soul Angel


Solange's "Sol-angel and the Hadley St. Dreams" was my "Album of Heavy Rotation" for a number of reasons. I'm sorry I'm glad I finally have a singer who is Black, who is doing big things in the 60and 70's retro music craze. I'm sorry but I don't get what the big hype was about Amy Whinehouse. Here we have a black song bird flowing from her true essence of the Motown sound in her sophomore album. I'm not going to lie , I wasn't the biggest Solonage fan before her first single off this album "I Decided," which is a retro vibe to the 60's girl groups, yet at the same time refreshing. I wasn't the biggest fan, because I didn't like her, but because I really didn't remember her singles from her first album. My other favorites would have to be her opening song "God Given Name," which is a song about how she is solo, and basically not her sister, and that she knows she will never be Beyonce' nor will never be her, so stop comparing. In my opinion this is one Knowles I like. My next would be "T.O.N.Y." This is about a one night stand, I couldn't help but get hooked. I found myself humming this the other week, and it took me a minute to realize what it was. She can very much carry her own on this album. She has great producers, and this was a real effort on her part. She has some great work on here.


My "Ah that's my Jam" of the moment is T-Pain's "Can't believe It" featuring Lil' Wayne. Love this song! This song is really going to make me by the album. I have really not bought a T- Pain album before, but I think I'm going to be broke down, after his new singles. Love the almost children's lullaby vibe beat. He really does have a way of producing songs that just stick to you.

My "Ah that's my Jam II" of the moment is the Jonas Brother's "Burnin Up" I am really feeling these white boys. Now I'm not any little white teenage girl fanatic about them, but this is a great song. I don't know which one it is doing the lead, but lovin' the vocals, I do think they are some cute white boys. They got me burnin'up.

My Throwback of the Moment would definitely have to go one of my favorite girl groups Xscape's "Hummin' Comin' At Cha'" This is one of those albums, that has a decent song on every track. I definitely think I love their low tempo songs the best though, like "Understanding" and "With you". Some could say that it would be easy to mess of the Legendary Clark Sister's classic "Is my living in vain," but they pulled it off wonderfully showing their true gospel roots. I think I love "Just kickin it" the remix better though.


My Inspirational Album of the Moment is 21:03's "Total Attention." Gospel's all around producer and a song writer J. Moss's protege's are back with their sophomore album. I feel that with this album the group is one step forward out of walking out of J. Moss heavy influence, however his presence is still very much felt through this album, but not quite as much as the first album. This album is very much what J.Moss and PAJAM wants for the group, gospel music for the masses. You have a little of everything on this album. They open the album with some old school gospel remake of a classic, "Riverside," which I would have to say is one of my favorites off the album. My next favorite, would be their next track, the first single, the high tempo "You" As the album progresses you feel the gospel for the masses as it becomes more pop-ish with heavy acoustic and more softer delivery than most gospel singer...christian music than gospel, like in the songs "Free" and "Cover Me". However I still love the harmonies boys. I think they can really sing and mesh well.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Walk with me Lord!

Short and sweet ...Pray for me today, I'm going to need it y'all.

God willing I will post about it tonight. I started to write it, but didn't finish it...Just pray for me!

Friday, October 3, 2008

My Blog is Forever My Confidant

Okay, so I've been M.I.A. for a minute now...same ole same ole been lazy. Every time I get on to write a post, I end up doing everything online but write a post, but here's the thing, I haven't been feeling like reading either, so that's why I have been absence from commenting on every one's blogs lately. I haven't felt like reading anything offline either, so don't feel bad. I think it is going to take forever to get through my next novel, for the book of the moment. I need to change it to the "Book of the Next 90 Days" or the "Book of the Next 6 Months", because it's taking me forever to get though Blair Underwood book, Casanegro or whatever it's called.

I'm seriously going to try and stop neglecting writing the things, that are on my mind. Because I truly realized that once again my blog is my solace, and my outlet to say and communicate, what's on my mind. I realized this week, that I have no one to talk to about certain things in my life, and the big one of those things being my sexuality. This includes the men I get with.I don't have one person I CAN talk to or shall I say, have CHOSEN to open myself up to about things in my personal, sexual, life. Here is the truth plain and simple, I don't really have any Gay friends or any DL friends for that matter. I don't have not one fellow DL friend.

Here's the deal, I have gotten with...well my share of dudes, but I wouldn't consider, not the first one of them a friend, or someone I can talk to about my love life or sex life. I guess perhaps, that might be on me, but the truth is I really don't see any of them as friend types or potential friends. Now I know some of you are saying why would you get with a person sexually, that you wouldn't want to be, at least a friend with. All I can say is just because I had a some what good type when we turn the lights off, don't mean I will have a good time when the lights are on. Most of the time, after I climax, I'm like will you get out of might sight already, and sometimes before we even do anything, I feel this way, but the thought of that climax keeps me there.

Now I have online friends, that I talk about certain things with, that I appreciate and I value, but I afraid that I have an ability to even mess that up. I met this guy online, in my city, and we have been talking online for like months, I want to say since the early Spring. I can talk to him about several things going on with me and men and whatnot. That is until this week.

Now this has been a guy, who is well in the closet or DL too. I met him on this website, and we having been talking and instant messaging each other since. He has wanted to meet up and well...I want to say date, but I have been totally against it. I wanted to keep it friends. I like being able to sign on and feeling free to talk and chat about anything and my feelings and whatnot. Then there is the whole thing, that I know we are not for each other, just from instant messaging online. It ranges from the shallow things like food and hobbies, to the deeper things like he wants and is in search for a Relationship, and not that I'm against relationships... I just don't know if I'm ready for one or can give what it takes to be in one. Then there was the physical, I never saw his picture, which I was cool and happy about, but he had told me he looked like Brian Mcknight, and Brian Mcknight has never done it for me at all...nothing. With all these things in mind, I knew I didn't want anything more but for us to remain online friends, maybe offline friends one day. That is until earlier this week.

I'm tired and going to bed I will finish this tomorrow!

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

It's certified now...I'm an Honest Blogger

Thank You...Thank You.... Thank You...
This is so unexpected...I would first like to thank the academy, it was just a honor to be nominated, but since I won here it go...I like to thank my friends and family for all their dysfunction, for me to have something to write about...I like to thnak the Big G.O.D. , Big up to the G.O.D....and lastly to my momma, who if ever read my blog, would have a stroke....
Thank you and Good night

I guess Darius isn't the only one with a little award...lmao

But no for real, I like to Thank Real Hustla of Buttahfly chronicles, for thinking of me when it comes to unapolgetic honesty, she desreved hers...I just write what's on my mind and what's going on as it happened.

I have more to say, but I just don't have the self control, to sit down and write every thing I want to down.

Here are the rules:
1.) When you receive the prize you must write a post showing it, together with the name of who has given it to you, and link them back


2.) Choose a minimum of 7 blogs (or even more) that you find brilliant in their content or design.

3.) Show their names and links and leave them a comment informing they were prized with ‘Honest Weblog’


4.) Show a picture of those who awarded you and those you give the prize (optional).

5.) And then we pass it on!

Now i've seen other bloggers with this award, and some I have seen with a new 6 rule and some without...

6.) Write 10 honest things about yourself (optional)

I'm going to leave this optional, because, well I'm not going to do it, but my awardess, have the option, if they want.


Now, I read a lot of blogs, and well I get around, which led to my picks. There is nothing persoanal, so don't get offended if you were or were not picked.

The first blogger, I have been reading their blog for a minute now. I think probably right around when I first started to blog. I feel that I relate to them...I see a lot of myself in them and their feelings, so some of the things I say to them, perhaps, I am saying it to myself....Canuimagineme.

The next blogger, is actually kinda of the opposite reason. He is a newer blogger, and I feel we are very different. One being the obvious, he is well celibant, and for quite some time, I don't think he would mind me saying this, because... well he has talked about this on his blog, Caseykeys.

The next blogger, is very much unapologeicly honest, however at the same time very much mysterious, Blaqnmild-duece.

The next blogger, is like the social director of Atlanta Gay life. If you want to know what's goign on in the gay lifestyle in ATL, for the night, then I guess you need to see him...lol, Corey of Forever I love Atlanta.

Now to the girls, the first girl, I've been reading for a minute. I think she is a prime example, of why some guys are fools. Why she is single, I do not know. This blogger helped influence my thoughts about Chris, from her Dating Commandments post... Thoughtsofablacksoutherngal.

The next female blogger is a new one of mine, but the reason, I choice them, is they fit the bill, and that something they posted not to long ago, that i have really been thinking about lately...I thought one way at the time I read the post, but recently I think I may have been wrong...but that's for another time, but Behindthescenesofthings.

My last blogger, I am very much a silent reader of his blog, I don't comment much, but alot of people don't comment much, however I read it often. He has a very extremely sexual life. he blog is not for the shy, in fact I think he has a adult warning. You are bound to see some ass and dick, or read about it. The thing about this blogger, is that, well I can really see myself in him 20 years from now. His thought and feelings as a 42 year old black man, I have often thought, that is how I am going to feel at his age. Now I don't know if I'm going to have the sex life he has, but as weird as it may seem , I can see myself 2o years from now having the exact thoughts and feelings as this blogger, Pimusique.

So I really thought about my picks, till next year's awards.

Friday, September 5, 2008

A journey... to take back what was stolen.


17 years ago a middle age woman escorts an elderly woman on a journey. A journey of necessity. A journey of great importants. A journey of life or death. A journey of unconditional love. The elderly woman has one mission at hand to take back what was stolen from her. The two ladies hit the streets to find it. The elderly woman goes places that in all her years, she couldn't even image being, but she does care. Her distinguished style clashes with skid row, but she is fearless in her pursuit. To save her son!

Her prayers are met, and it's a long journey, but he is saved from his drug infested life, with the hopeless and the sorrow. He goes on to get his Masters, he already had his Bachelors before his life of destruction. He finds his calling in the word of God and eventually becomes a minister, then he leaves his church, to start his own, and becomes a Pastor. Life is good, working on getting his Doctrine. His children and grandchildren are active in his ministry. If only the elderly woman, could see where he has come. Who would think that a triple bypass surgery, would lead him to the path he is on now.

They say that an addict is never cured, but constantly in recovery. No one would image that the heavy pain medication, would trigger an addiction beat years ago. No one would think that the pain medication at some point, wouldn't be enough. No one would think that the pastor who specialize in bringing former drug addicts to the lord, would join those drug addicts again. No one would image that the youngest would look like the oldest. That he would resemble Skeltor. That once robust, would turn to literally skin and bones. One that prides themselves like the rest of his family in appearance, would look like walking death. His members and congregation no more. No one wants a fiend for a pastor. That drugs would take over his life again.

When people ask about him, you throw that award winning smile. Fake of course, but not phony. Not to wide, but gentle. You throw warmth through the eyes. It's all about the eyes. Even though there might be pain, there might be sadness, there might be sorrow, you warm them up, which leads the smile to believability, or at least the appearance of such. You reply, "Oh, he's good." Good not great. Good is believable. Good is solid. Good is satisfies them. Good leads to no more further question.Good is what hey want to here. Good is what they get, even if that's not what they want to hear. They won't get anything from me but Good. You've been taught well, from as even a child, you know what goes on at home stays at home. If good isn't enough, you can throw in a little personal touch to take this puppy home...something like "Just enjoying those grand kids of his." all the while his grand kids don't want to be around Papa anymore, because he gets real mad now, when he doesn't get what he needs, when he is fiending for it. Papa makes them sad at times. Papa can even be angry, that he threatens to kill if he doesn't get what he wants. Papa has changed. Papa needs help. Papa doesn't realize that prayers are sent left and right about him.

The middle age woman is a little older now. She is accompanied by another woman of same agenda. Bound by blood. Although, over the years things have changed, once again the mission is the same. They throw their suitcases into the trunk. Polyester has been replaced with silk linen. Cloth has been replaced by heated leather seat. Cassette has been replaced by CD. Once was black is...well still black around the edges, do to dark and lovely. This time they aren't headed to search the drug infested streets, this time they are headed to the suburbs. To a five bedroom home, where when he isn't in the streets searching for his next hit, he is barricaded in his master bedroom. Once again they are need for this mission...for this journey. A journey of necessity. A journey of great importants. A journey of life and death. A journey of unconditional love. A journey to take back what was stolen from them.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

The Dreaded Third Wheel, In My Threesome!


Literally a few hours ago, I just came in from a threesome. This would be my second one. Now I don't know that any of my current readers were around for my post of my first threesome, but it actually happened the night I first started to blog. It wasn't my first post but my second and third. Anyway I count that as one of my greatest sexual experiences. This post was actually suppose to be about Von. I hadn't talked much about him at all, but he's still around. I've been trying to work on that post since like Sunday, but I get distracted by something else, and it unfortunately never got finished. So to not distract myself, by other blogs. I had made myself not comment or view other blogs, until I wrote a post of my own. That's why I may have been AWOL or a no show from my regular blogs. However today I'm going to try my best to make comments and reads. There is so much that has been going on with me in the last few weeks, and I wish I could find the time...well there is time, so find the discipline to write the things down. So many things I wanted to talk about. I believe those things and events is what led to the events of tonight.

I'm not going to go into those things..at least not right now, but I think my actions have all spawn from my last book of the moment, Pleasures by Eric Jerome Dickey. I did finally finish it, but like many things haven't gotten around to posting my book review. Anyway I will just say this it for some reason left me energized to have a...I guess ultimate sexy, sensuous, pleasurable sex life. I mean it really left me feeling sexy. So for the past couple of weeks, I have been trying to have a more adventurous approach and attitude to fulfill pleasure in my life...well sexually. What I got was one crazy mix up disastrous adventure after the other. In the end it all left me feeling sexually jinx and product of bad karma...and so on. That is until tonight.

I went to the gym late last night..why I really don't know. I guess I just had to get out. I really wasn't in the mood to work out, and I guess I was just messing around in the gym . Not really working up a sweat. I guess I was a little sexually frustrated, and thought that this would be a good release. I wasn't so much frustrated from not having sex, but so many close calls in the past few weeks and nothing to show for it...meaning either no sex, or no "climax," exactly. Instead of going back home, I decided to hit this hot spot, that your bound to hook up with someone. It's actually not to far from the area I met the guys from my first threesome. I call it my DL hookup area. There is this gay bar, that is in the middle of a lot of nightlife. You have restaurants and bars, and straight clubs right around this gay club. It's also right beside a college area, so depending on the nights, the area is packed. Now I have found that because of these reasons, you are bound to find someone whether DL, Discreet, or Out...Straight, Bi, Bi- Curious, Or the other "Straight"...all in this area. Why I decided to head out there on a Wednesday night beats me, usually the area isn't banging until Thursday. I guess I was looking for a hot random meeting, that would lead to something else.

I'm going to try and keep this short and sweet. I met this guy Sean, who actually I met briefly earlier this year. I gave him my number he didn't call, said tonight that he actually wanted to call, but he lost the piece of paper that I wrote my number on...blah blah blah...sure whatever, you want to do something tonight, since we never met to hookup or to at least see what was up, when we met earlier this year. He says sure...he is cute I liked him. We leave his car parked as he gets into my car, and I guess drive around. Just talking at first, and then without looking at me he creeps his hands across my arm rest and plays with my hand, while looking outside the passenger window. Never looking at me. While he his hand plays with my pinky finger, I move this party to a hold new level. I boldly reach other and grab his crotch. Yeah I know.... real subtle. I just wasn't in a playing quo mood. I had one thing on my mind... my climax, and just finally having a sexual experience follow through.

Well not to long after we leave, Sean spots this SUV at a stoplight he saw earlier. Wonder why this SUV has been circling the block over and over again and stopping randomly. I mention that I saw the SUV earlier too, and I think that the driver is looking to get into something. When he saw the person earlier that night, he thought it was a big girl, from all the long braids. I correct him, and tell him that it is a guy with long dreads,I was really admiring his truck earlier , when I saw the truck. It was a 08 fully loaded, with rims and the whole shebang, looking like it was right off the car lot. Anyway, Sean tells me to follow the truck to see what this guy is up to. He says he is self proclaimed nosy person. I follow the truck and at the next stop light I pull up beside it. The guy looks over and does a head nod I do the same, and roll down my window. He rolls down his too. I quickly and again boldly asks him, what is he up to. He says, "Nothing just riding around." The light turns green, I look at Sean and he's not even paying any attention his head is down going through his cell phone. He got me to follow this truck to see what is up with this guy and he's not even paying any attention. I tell the guy to pull over for a minute and lets talk. So the guy pulls up to the curb. I ask Sean what does he want to know from this guy....He's like I don't know. I ask him does he want to do a threesome or something. He says he's never done that before, and doesn't really like the idea of it. I'm like I done got this guy to pull over, I need a reason as to why, and he really hasn't given me a reason too. Well I pull over in front of the Suv, and we both wait. Sean tells me, that he should come to us, but that guy didn't move, so I get out of my car and head back there, to Dreads car. Now even though, I think Sean isn't interested in any sort of threesome, but was just curious about this guy, I am, so I head to his car to see what was up. Inspired once again by the book I read, and the main characters two lovers, I want me another threesome. He unlocks his door. We talk for a minute. He asks me did, he see another guy in my Suv, and I tell him yeah. He's all shocked, I leave what he thinks is my man, to talk to another guy. I explained that he is not my man, and it was his idea to track him down , and to see what was up with him.

Let's fast forward to the other guy locking up his car and following me back to my car to talk to Sean. Now in my little nasty perverted mind, I'm thinking I'm going to get these two guys into a hot threesome. Now Sean seems pissed that Dreads is here, at first. Anyway we all are talking, and basically Dreads is asking sexual question about his two new "friends" and we are answering. Blah blah Blah....Me and Sean are DL and Dreads is Out but not vocal about it... Me and Sean are in our 20s but Dreads is 40 however really doesn't look it... Me and Sean single and Dreads just got out a 16 year relationship, with some dude. Blah blah blah we talk some more. Sean is getting anxious and says, look what up with me, are we still going to do something. I'm torn now, because, well I don't think he wants a threesome, and Me and my actions has this guy other guy here, and I don't know how to tell him, that it's been real, but me and Sean got to go. That's when he informs us, that he is going wherever we go, because he wants to watch.

Sean doesn't say anything. I ask him over and over, again is he cool with it and he just sorta groins. Then he says that I am going to need to speak up and say what I want. In the back of my mind I still want a hot steamy threesome, however this changes that fantasy. I wanted threesome, not some guy watching us. Now I don't mind watching, but having some person just sit there and watch, is a whole other story. I drive off waiting for Sean to speak up and say, he wants me to drop him off as his car, but he doesn't. All he says is what ever we do, we need to decide quick to do it and do it, because he has to get home and get some sleep and get ready for work, because he had to be at work at 8 am.

Cut to us at the park. Since none of us wanted to take this little party to our place, we went to the place Dreads wanted to go this huge park, with a a huge man made lake. This park is surrounded, by projects and low income houses on one side, and old money white historical homes, on the other side. The park is huge and intricate and it's were I here a lot of sex happens. I myself had not been there since my dad took me, when I was 8 to feed the geese and ride water paddles. This was by far a whole new experience. In the middle of the night, and with sex in tole. We stop by some picnic tables, that over look part of the huge lake. It's dark and I'm nervous now. Dreads gets out to go pee, and I ask Sean is he sure he wants to do this. He is quite and and doesn't say anything. I get out truck and I walk around to the passenger side. He doesn't move. I open the door. Dreads comes back and ask are we doing this or what. I look and Sean and grab his hand, and we walk to the picnic tables. The are wet, from the rain earlier, so those are out. We are all just standing there. When Dreads walks over to Sean and reaches into his pants to pull out his dick. I ask him, "I thought you were just watching?"

Now I'm not going to get detailed about the actual sex, but I will say this. It started off good. A little touching her, a little tongue there, a little oral there, and so on. However Dreads, our supposed watcher, was directing, and then he grinds on Sean, talking about how he wish he had condoms. He becomes more than a watcher. For some reason the more we did, the more I was getting out of it. I wasn't feeling sexy and self assured as I did earlier that night with them, because the both of them at one time was always grabbing or touching my ass. Now one of the many things I wanted to post about recently is my nerves. I have really bad nerves, and now they are producing whelps and rashes all over my body. I'm on nerve medicine and expensive medicated creams. Although they are not noticeable badly on my upper body they still are on my hips, butt and lower legs. The more my ass was touched the more I got self conscience, about my butt and hips. Then there was the Dreads and Sean thing. Dreads was all over Sean's jock literally. Going on about how "He wish he had a condom to do Sean sweet ass", or "How Sean's dick was so huge he wish he could fill it inside of him, blah blah blah." Now I sorta brought the three of us together, well I invited Dreads to my car to talk with me and Sean, but some how I felt like a third wheel. It was just going down hill for me. I kept backing away and Sean kept pulling me back in. Even though he was the most nervous, and every time we saw a light or a thought that a car was coming, he was pulling his pants up rushing to get back to the car and into the car...he was really into the whole thing. For someone who didn't want to even do it it he was enjoying it. However I wasn't I had started to lose my erection all together. Which was truly a first for me. It was gone and withdrawn. I had stepped away again and my head was somewhere else, when one last car freaked Sean so bad, he jumped back into the car. I was ready to go at this point so I got back behind the wheel. We left back to Dreads and Sean's car. The only difference this time was Sean was in the back seat with Dreads.

So as I am driving, the two of them are in the back seat, having, what sounds like a good ole time. I am not sure at all what they did, because I didn't look back once. Not even the rear view mirror. I kept thinking about what had just happen. How a threesome I wanted, ended with me being the third wheel and the other two in the threesome in my backseat having the pleasurable time I was suppose to be having. apparently my whole demeanor had changed, because between moans and laughing, a concerned Sean kept asking me was I okay and why was I so quiet. I just would give him, a I'm cool and they would go back to whatever is they were doing.

When we get back to Dreads car, I'm just so ready for him to get out. I wasn't feeling him anymore. With all those damn gold teeth, if I had seen them when he was in his car, I would have rolled then, but can you do. Sean who came out of his shell, asked me when we stopped, did I want to come back there and join them. I declined, and made the excuse about there not being enough room back there for me. They both not to long after that straightens, up their clothes. I'm ready at this point to just go home. Earlier Sean had got Dreads number, but not mine, because I told him that he was just going to loose it. When he got out, to go to his car, he says "I have ever body's number from the car, but one...To bad I guess" and he grins at me. I give him my number again, but I don't expect a phone call.

Here I have been thinking that it is my bad sexual karma and all kinds of other reason as to why I had disastrous sexual experiences, and now I know. IT'S BECAUSE OF ME!!! Here I had what I wanted a possible hot new threesome, and I just become a huge disappointment. A wet third wheel and a drag. The guy would sorta brings the threesome together becomes the outsider of it. If I was Sean I wouldn't call me. I didn't bring anything to the show, but a flaccid dick. I didn't even offer my number to Dreads, I didn't want his and I could care less if I saw him again. This just shows you that a hot car and sexy hairstyle, doesn't mean you will find someone attractive. Which hasn't always been the case for me. I have actually thought someone was a lot cuter once I saw there car, however tonight was not the night.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

The Secret About the Secret Blog is...

For the past couple weeks, I have gotten emails from fellow bloggers and from fellow readers who don't normally comment but read my blog, about my other secret blog, that you see on my profile page. Well the secret about this blog, is that there is No Secret! I do not write on this other blog, it's hard for me to sit down and write on this one, on a regular like I should, I mean I have half written post all over the place, but it's hard to sit down and finish, and tell you guys what's going on like I should, let alone to sit down and write on another secret blog. I have discussed everything from my first time with a guy, to threesomes, to sleeping with a pastor, to things that made me cry, to things, that embarrassed me...I have pretty much been candid on some private things in my life, well my sexual life and my enter thoughts, that was the purpose of me starting this blog. I talk about some things, that I could never...well would never tell anyone else, in my offline life, so at this time the other blog, doesn't have anything written in it.

The purpose of the other blog, was to have a playground to experiment, in creating a new layout or design for this blog. I'm kinda bored with it already, and I want something new and fun. I created the secret blog, to come up with some ideas, and experiment. I didn't want to try it out on this blog, so I set up the other one to try out things. However I still feel limited, in what I can do. I think I am going to have to go into HTML territory, to really get, what I'm trying to achieve, and well I really don't want to... or well don't know if I can anymore. I haven't done that kinda stuff, since like freshman year, in high school, and I really don't remember that much about it.

Anyway, I don't want anyone felling left out, like they are shut out, from some secrets I'm holding back... because that's not happening. However this has shown me I have a lot of secret readers, who don't say a thing, but tell me, they read whenever I do manage to post...it's left me with a hmm.

Since people are pulling out the emails, to contact me about the secret blog, y'all can email me, with some ideas, on what I could do, as far as my blog goes. I want something that allows me to have a little more freedom, with my layout, and where I can put things, yet still captures me.

Llody teaches lessons in love...

I'm so glad, that some new male R&B, has arrived. Not that I haven't been loving Raheem Davaugh, Lyfe Jennings, and all the other neyo-soul out there, both female and male, but I need something else, I wanted some body moving and up tempo R&B music....However I didn't get that with Lloyd's Lesson in Love either.
I really loved Llody's last album Street Love, which I think was highly under rated, so I thought that, Lesson in Love was going to be a continuation, of that album. It was in the since of it having a lot of mid tempo, love ballad songs. He is one of our great falsettos that we have right now next to Robin Thicke. This is a great album, for getting busy or messing around, with your love one, but not great for working out with, trust me I tried. I'm still feeling it, because it's fresh and new. I was really feeling the second single and pretty much only up tempo song, "Girls Around the World", feat. Lil Wayne, its a sample of Rakin and Eric B's "Paid in Full". It's filled with some great ballad songs, like "Treat You Good" and "Year of the Lover." My Favorites are the sexual laces songs like "Sex Education" and "Love Making 101", which isn't really about making love.
My "Ah that's my Jam" of the moment is Robin Thicke's Magic. I'm really feeling the song and the video. After his last album the Evolution of Robin Thicke, he isn't planning on waiting a few years to bring us more great music, like he did after his first album. I'm really feeling this joint, and he does have the magic, because he is everywhere writing and producing.



My "Ah that's my Jam II" of the moment is James Fortune and Fiya's "I Trust You." It being the song I heard not to long after, getting the inspiration fro my last post. It really is speaking to my soul. When everybody let's you down, and you feel you have nothing left...all you can do is trust in the lord, because he will see you through it all, and be there for you. Just trust in him and everything will work out for the good.




My Throwback of heavy rotation is Ginuwine's The Bachelor album. Before Lloyd's new album, I was in need of some good old fashion R&B, and I wanted a male's voice too, I pulled this out. It being one of my favorite albums from him. I remember first seeing the "Pony" video like it was yesterday. This is when Ginuwine was on fire, and before he settled down and started poppin out babies left and right with Sole`. When there was all those rumors about him being a former stripper and everything. Damn he was sexy. I even love his version, of one on my favorite songs "When Doves Cry." These was the day when Timberland used to produce for black people. ManI wish they could reunite for Ginuwines's next album.

My Inspriational Music of the moment is Dorinda Clark-Cole's Take It Back. Dorinda didn't waste anytime after the recent release of the Clark Sister's aledgedy last album, to come out with another one of her solo efforts. However it was originally pushed back becasue of the groups last album and touring. Dorinda i would have to say one of my favorites of the Clark Sisters. The lead single and title of her album "Take It back" is a great athem in claiming what is yaours and what God has promised you back from the devil and those who steal your Joy. As always Dorinda brings you the down home soul shacking organ bumbing gospel music, that feeds your soul.

Friday, August 8, 2008

Lord, here's my Vision...Make Me Over!


Today a incident with the champagne on a beer budget cousin just led me to breakdown a pray. It wasn't anything big, but it really got me thinking that I need God to put a renewal in my spirit. I know I don't do all the things that I should do, and one of those things is pray. I don't think...well no, I know I don't pray like I should. It's something that I have been taught since, as early as I can remember, but something I don't do as often as I know I should. however in this time in my life and in my family I think it's something I need to do more than ever. Every time I turn around there is something else, going on in my family, and it has truly gotten to a point, that I don't recognize them or me. I have changed myself and not for the better. I feel that I'm on a declining pathway. I feel my get up and go, my work ethic, my positivity, my optimism, my strive for the best, has all left me. Right before my little breakdown today, I couldn't help but think, God I want to sleep..sometimes I feel like I could just sleep forever. Sometimes I think it's depression and sometimes I think it's just laziness. Sometimes its so hard for me to drag myself out of bed. When I get out of bed I have such anger and resentment towards some people. I have unfortunately always been a person who held his anger, irritation, resentment, and frustration in...well until I explode. I think as I get older those feelings, which once exploded into wards or yelling, and now turning towards other things. Today with my cousin, I was driving him somewhere, since he has car trouble since the time of the credit card fiasco he put me in. A lot of people in my family are upset, that I'm now driving him around after what he did, to tell you the truth I still not sure why I'm doing it myself, but I know I have resentment every time I pick him up. That resentment frustrates me so much that I literally contemplate as I drive, pushing his head through the passenger window. No joke I literally sit there as I'm driving and I image myself doing serious bodily harm to him...Call me silly but I know that's not right.

As I was driving tonight there was two songs, that just rung in my soul, that I heard as my confirmations....James Fortune's "I Trust" and Tonex`'s "Lord Make Me Over." I felt they were for me. So as I was in my car by myself, I just started to pray to God. For some reason my car seems to be the place I do my best heart to heart with God. There was this recent episode of Run's House, where they were talking about Prayer notes, and how God reads your note and your heart as you write to him. I never written a prayer note before, but the bible does say "Write down the vision, and make it plain upon the tables, and he that readeth may run with it." Although this is a prayer and not necessarily a vision of anything concrete, it is a vision for me.


Dear Heavenly Father,
I write this in pursuit for you to renew my heart and soul, Lord. To break this spirit of depression and sorrow in my heart. To change my heart from heaviness, to joy again. Give me the drive to Lord to get up and go, and do the things I need to do and be. Take away any restraints of laziness, and give me the light of will power, and determination. I know that some things are within me, and only I can do, but release these things in me. Lord take away any ugliness in my heart. Take away anger and resentment and replace it with understanding and joy. Lord put me on a pathway to be a better man, that I know I can me. A pathway to being a better man, than those who I know and love. Let me be the example of what is right and not just another example as to what is wrong. Lord speak to me, in a way that allows me to make the right decisions regarding my future and destiny. Lord, help me be the shinning light I know I am. A man of God. Let me be a blessing to others.

Lord I'm ready for a change, create in me a clean heart, and renewed mind and soul, Lord. I trust that everything that my family is going through is for the greater good and your purpose and glory. I trust that everything will work out for the good. I know I don't do the things I should do and pray to you like I should, but I need a change. You said that write the vision down and make it plain, this is my vision for my self plain and clear. Do your work in me, Lord.

In Jesus name I pray and write this Amen.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Continuance of My Failed shot at Abstinence...



I got a few comments on the post before last, about, who the other guy was, that I mentioned. I will get to him later.

After parting ways with Chris in that parking lot that that morning, I was left feeling calm and energized. I think it's that something new feeling. That feeling you get at the very beginning of something you think is going to be filled with great possibilities. Now granted I had only just met him, but I felt like we were in sync with each... on the same page.... I felt we made a quick connection. I have found that sometimes that just happens. I have met friend that I just instantly clicked with, and felt like this was one of those times. We had a no hold bars, easy going, instant easily 4 or more hour conversation. That basically I ended, because I was tired and it was Sunday. I believe he could have kept going. I mean I think he wanted to go on in more ways than one. I was so proud how I had self control not to go farther, with him, right then. Now I know that I still wasn't innocent, in that I groped him, well unzipped his pants and groped him, as we were kissing, but I think that this is still progress. I felt he was feeling me and I was feeling him.

Now granted technically I didn't fall off of my abstinence journey yet, with that little encounter, but I was done for the week yet. Now I didn't finally connect with Chris until later that week. Now I wasn't going to contact him, for a couple days. That was my plan, didn't want to seem needy or what not, so I never contact right away. If he decided to call me right away...well eh alrighty then... but I wasn't calling him first. After the 3 day grace period, which is the not to soon, but not too far off appropriate time period. I decided to call him. As I was about to call him, I thought about the last of our conversation, and Chris's kinda insecure questioning about whether I was going to call him like I said I would but him not believing me, and me responding with, "..well you know the phone works both ways."

I also started to think about how I made all the first moves, from the talking to him first... to the coming out and asking him does he get down with men or not...to even the first kiss...As I was thinking, I decided that I'm not going to call him first, he can call me first, so I decided to wait it out a little longer.

I really didn't give it a second thought anymore, for a couple of days...until that Friday night. I don't know what it is about Friday and Saturday nights, that makes you think about love interest, dates, sex, and just extracurricular activities overall, with the sex of your choice. I thought about the whole not calling him some more, and thought well maybe I was wrong in my thinking. Maybe he just wasn't that kinda of guy who can make the first move. Even though he has been getting with guys the same about of time I have, I was a little more experienced at it, than him. He was pretty much taking the from my lead, that night. I decided to compromise with myself. I really didn't want to call him first, but I wanted to reach out at least, so I decided on texting him first.... I know what y'all are thinking...but that made me feel better, on caving in.

It took me a couple of minutes to come up with the right first text. I didn't want ti to be boring or your typical "What's up," "Hey," or "What's Good." Besides those short little cute greetings isn't my style anyway, I really don't know what to call my style, but I know that isn't it. After coming up with it, it was around the same time in the morning we had met, so sent him the message and here's how it went...

Me: Do you know what tomorrow around the same right now will be?
Chris: Who Dis! (Now I expected something better that that or just a what)
Me: Lol... yeah okay. (I thought he was joking, because it took a week for me to contact him)
Chris: Naw 4real who dis
Me: Are you serious? (I was a little confused since I had seen him type my information into his
phone and saved it)
Chris: Yea. Got a new phone ( Truth or excuse?)
Me: Yeah...sure whatever (yeah I had copped an attitude... I get it)
Chris: Oh yeah I remember ( Now suddenly he remembers...Not sure if he did or not...)
Me: So...

He didn't respond anymore after that, and neither did I. If he did remember, it didn't move him to say anymore. I really didn't know what to think about that. Now as I think about it, I don't know what I expected from that text conversation, but I thought it would go a whole lot better than that. I then decided to email a fellow blogger, who had a not so old post about relationship commandments or when you first meet someone things you shouldn't do. I don't know why but they stood in my mind. I really can't ask family and friends this, for obvious reasons. If you are slow and don't know, just look at the name of my blog. I explained to them the whole thing and they sent me an email back, explaining that not everyone, you are into are going to me into you...there's plenty fish in the sea.... and don't call him anymore, because if he was really into me, then he would have at least remembered you...which she had valid point to. I though long and hard about what they said. I had thought about the same thing, before they got back to me with an answer. I had actually decided I was just going to let the whole Chris thing go. I wasn't the bugaboo type...actually I never call or text guys first, so this was all new to me. However, actually after getting Southern Gal's email, it did the reverse impact on me, and a couple days later I did it again, because I just didn't get it.

Me: Yo, are you busy?
Chris: Who Dis (At least he is consistent, I'm guessing that's one of his quick texts)
Me: Young
Chris: O whats good wit u
Me: Got a problem
Chris: What
Me: Well this dude I met last weekend keeps giving me the who dis line and I don't get it.
Chris: Bad memory..lol
Me. So it has nothing to do, with you not wanting to talk to me, cuz I was going to step off.
Chris:________ ( Flat line because he didn't respond anymore after that)
After that I didn't text or say anything further on. I was confused as to what happen. What happen to the guy who was feeling me. The guy who was concerned about whether or not I was going to call him or not. The guy who was a little upset, that I didn't save his info in my phone right away. I JUST DIDN'T GET IT!

Now even though this part is going to make this a really long post. I'm going to go in, on the other guy, Von. I met Von the week of meeting Chris and then texting Chris. I met Von at a drug store. Here's the short version. After seeing him around the store a couple times. When I'm at the register, and so is he. He is looking at me all intense. He finally says "Yo son, you look familiar... don't I know you?" I mentioned how he look familiar too, but I didn't know from where. blah blah blah He mentions how he has a twin, maybe he knows me through him. I suddenly remember that I did meet a guy once, that talked about how he had a twin, and that maybe he does look like that guy. I mention how this guy though had cornrows. Von gets excited, and says,"Yo that was me, I had cornrows." He asks me for a lift a couple blocks to his house. I gave him one. Still didn't remember him exactly or what we did. Neither did he, but we did figure out, that maybe got down, because he mentioned how him and his twin both get down. Crazy I know, but what he said. He asks me for a lift a couple blocks to his house. We talk some more...blah blah blah, he asks for my number. I gave it to him. Didn't bother asking for his, because at the time I was still excited about Chris. So that's how I got reacquainted with Von.

Von was actually my rebound after that last text with Chris. A little pissed off that the whole Chris thing. Von called right on time. He called me not to long after my last text to Chris. I needed something....At this point I had been good for close to a month. I hadn't had any sex. Trying hard, to turn over my bad ways. Look for something more than just sex... a little connection. Got the little connection, and nothing came from that. I decided to go with the guy who was feeling me. The sex was cool, but nothing exciting, the first time. That is until the next time.
Tired of writing, will talk about Von some more later. The fact is that my period of abstinence is so over!

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Birthdays.... I guess?

Post post Changes: I usually don't like making changes to my post after the first comment has been made, but I wanted to make a special shout out to, two fellow bloggers, who had their birthdays this past week.
Happy Birthday to Southern Gal and Lady Nay Nay!!!!
Also in response to Corey Keith, no my birthday isn't anytime soon, I just talked about birthdays because that was the theme of the month... my birthday isn't until next year ...Thank you Jesus... my birthday has actually past since I started my blog, I didn't mention it becasue well as you will learn from my regular written post below, that isn't my style....

Okay I usually don't like doing the random several things on my mind posts. I generally like to keep my post focused around one thing, but I need to say a few things, so here it is.

First lets get the theme of the month out before a new month comes around. I usually have posted my post about the theme by this time of the month, but well laziness and the whole nothing real exciting to say about the theme has sorta made me procrastinate about the theme, which by the way is Birthdays. Before I go into whatever it is I'm going to say about Birthdays let me just tell you guys about one thing.

Now I get the theme of the month from a fellow blogger Lady Nay. Now I don't know if she comes up with the themes or if she gets it from another blogger, but I've been following her lead in the themes. Well I think it was a week or so ago, I was up late just catching up and reading fellow blogs. I was also reading some new blogs...or shall I say new blogs to me. Now there is this blogger, that for some reason I didn't think had a blog. I just thought they leave comments on others blogs, but didn't actually have a blog. The reason so, was because I had tried to check out there blog once before, when I got a message saying I had been banned from their blog. For some dumb reason I thought it was like a joke, that everybody got who tried to visit this fellow bloggers' blog. The reason I thought this, was because I didn't understand any other reason as to why I would be banned, in my mind I had never even visited this person's blog in the first place let alone have reason to be banned. However for some reason, I decided that night to see if they had finally decided to start their own blog. To my surprise they had...in fact they had an amazing deck out site. As I'm exploring and surfing their site, I read their recent post about the birthday theme of the month. It was a little disturbing, they mentioned something about holding a gun to their mouth when it comes to their birthday and whatnot. They also mentioned their girlfriend Val, which seemed kinda familiar. After reading a bit more, it hit me, I had been to this blog once before, right when I first started blogging. I'm surfing their site some more when I get to a disclaimer for the site. The disclaimer mentions how they keep track of IP addresses and lurkers or people who visits the site and doesn't leave comments and whatnot, can be banned. It then hits me that I had been banned from a site I barely even remember...and I start to laugh. I decided to leave a comment on their recent post, about how I was banned and didn't even really know why or remembered going to their blog except for remembering the Val person they talk about. I also stated how I felt like a naughty employee looking at cyber porn, and their employer was watching their every move online, by like a web nanny type thing, because this blogger was watching IP addresses, and every move you made on their site. I was taking it light hearted and thought the whole thing was funny. Well a few days later I go to check out what they said, because I noticed this blogger makes follow up comments individually to ever comment. I wanted to see if they thought the whole thing was funny too. That's when I found out that I had been banned once again from this person's blog...LMAO it makes me laugh even right now. I think it's so funny. Now I'm not the type to name names and blow any body spot up, so I'm not going to say that it was FreakyDeaky of Freakytopia I think it is, that banned me not once but twice people from their blog...I'm just not going to do blow FreakyDeaky spot up like that...LOL.

Anyway I don't have much to say on birthdays. I hate my birthdays, I don't like getting another year older...I mean I'm glad that God allowed me to see another year and blah blah blah, but I don't like getting older. It always makes me think about life and my timeline. in the 8th grade we had to make a timeline of our future plans. I was remember having my life plotted out to the year. At my age now, I should have received my Bachelors and either was working on my Masters or have started my amazing career as an Architect. I would be married with a dog, to the love of my life, my college sweetheart. I had read somewhere that most people met their future spouses in college. I would have gotten an academic scholarship of course to at the time, GMU. We would be living in my middle class starter home, with my bride and dog... kids come when we are 25, need our alone time before the two children come. By 30 we will be ready financially to move into out 5 bedroom dream home that I would have designed for us and the kids. I know it sounds childish and unrealistic, but this is truly a plan that I thought about all through high school. All my birthday does is remind me how I'm not where I'm suppose to be at my age, on that dumb ass time line. I get and understand that plans change, life changes, but I'm no where near that plan. I didn't go to that schoolI'm so lost on my future career path, still trying to get that Bachelors, let alone my Masters, and I think it is needless to say how far away I am from getting married. Does anyone think me secretly loving dick has any connection at all?...LOL

I use to love my birthdays as a child. I use to have parities and all that. I use to think my birthday was something magical. That one special thing about you. I never really dawned on me that so many people share your same day to. I guess it didn't matter as long as those people who share your day, aren't in your life to steal your shine. There were a couple parties I remember vividly. There was the one with the clown at my house. I thought that was amazing, Everyone came. There was the one where my aunt came in, from out of town, and took all of my friends and everyone from my bus stop to Chucky Cheese's on her, and I suddenly had older elementary school kids as friends. Then there was the one when I was still in private school, and I had this Mickey Mouse surprise party. Everybody thought I was special, because nobody had a party at school, I don't know why I did. The one thing i remember odd about that day, was nobody had to where their uniforms that day. Don't remember why, but I think that was my one and only surprise party. Then I remember the black wish list party. This was the party, when my parents were going through their separation, before the big split. I wanted everything in black for my birthday. I think I was about 8. In retrospect I'm sure a child therapist would have something to say on the link between what was going on between my parents and me wanting everything in black. Maybe that was my way of going through depression, but I wanted my whole room black for my birthday present. Me and my mom negotiated, and we settled on black and white. She thought all black was a bit severe for a child, but I was adamant about the black part. So for my birthday I got a new black and white room. Everything from a black and white lamp... to black and white drapes...to bedding... to rugs...to a black and white trash can. I think it wasn't shocking because I think I was always mature for my age. I however didn't get the black carpet or black walls, but I was cool.

I don't exactly remember when my views on my birthday changed, but they did. It really doesn't feel special anymore. Sometimes I wish I could get that feeling again. The big ones didn't do anything to capture that essence either. I really didn't see anything special about the 16 , or 18, or even the big 2-1. I learned to drive and got my license on the 16th, I went and registered to vote on the 18 and on the 2-1 I don't drink so what I could buy porn legally then, but that was it.

Now people drag me to celebrate. I usually get treated, which I hate, because for some reason, I feel like I have to be conservative on what I spend. Sometimes I just rather get whatever the hell I want, and pay for it myself...I feel more comfortable that way. What I really wish is that people just leave me the hell alone for my birthday, and just give me whatever money or gift that I'm sure I will return and let me spend it alone with a pizza and all the soda my heart desire, with a cake...no a pie... or anything that will melt ice cream, and let me call it a day. Or maybe one day my birthday will be that magical day again, that only I posses.

Well, anyway I guess this post did end up being centered around one thing after all, I'm just going to have to get to those other random things on a later post. It really was my mission to get to it all today, but I don't feel like it now.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

A Failed Shot at Abstinence...

Okay, I need to catch you guys up on things..after my Separation of Hoeness posts...so that you know whats going on now. A lot has happen since then.

Well, after that night, I thought it was time for a change. I felt that was my rock bottom. That night was kinda low for me. I just thought that maybe I needed a change. I kept thinking about that passage I read once. About how someone compared themselves to a mirror, and every time they had meaningless partners and sex, that it was like another smudge on their mirror. I just felt like after that night, especially with Robbie, that I was losing myself, and couldn't see myself from all my smudges on my mirror. Then there I was standing with a few of my smudges looking at me and knew each other.

Well after that I decided that I need a change, so after much thinking and self debate, that night, I decided to become abstinent. I decided to become abstinent until...I guess I found or at least decided about what it is that I really want or expected from sex. I knew celibacy was a hopeless goal. I just knew that was something I was going to set myself up to fail, so I decided abstinence was better in some way. Now by definition, abstinence is, self denial and self restrain of personal indulgences, in order for a higher purpose. They also used conserving economic resources, in order to build up a higher capital goal. Well I guess my higher purpose or my ultimate capital goal, was to have a better connection and have some sort of feelings, when it comes to my future partners.

That's what I thought when I met 2 guys, two and a half weeks after my vow of abstinence. Now let me be the first to say, yes I know 2 and a half weeks isn't much. Especially after another fellow blogger, who shall remain nameless, CaseyKeys told me they were celibate and for a while. It actually made me a bit sad, that I only made it two and a half weeks. Now I'm not saying that's the longest I can go with out sex, I mean I have went a lot longer, but due to other reasons, like busy schedule...not being in the mood...work...other things in my life, that makes me even forget that I'm not getting any. However this is the first time I took a logical choice and decision, in not having sex. Which seems a lot harder, than being so busy, that you don't have time to even think about it. I thought about it even more.

Well the first taste of me leaving my abstinence behind, was this guy, Chris. Now I've told one blogger briefly about Chris, because of a series of post they did called "You have no chance with me" Commandments. Anyway I went out a couple weeks after my night with Robbie fiasco, it was another after hours restaurant college hangout place. I was hanging out by myself and so was this other guy. Well we made this eye connection thing. See the thing about DL guys, I don't know what it is, but from my personal experience it's all about the eyes. I don't want to exactly call it gaydar, but it's something in the eyes. I think it's that inappropriate length of eye contact. That stolen glances that last to long or happen to frequently to be a complete heterosexual look at another man. Well, it happen a few times, but the thing is, there is usually something slightly friendly in the eyes. That knowing look, but he was giving me nothing, so I thought maybe it was just a straight guy wondering why I was looking at him, but I was thinking why was he looking at me first. So after much thought about, why was I even there. I should be home thinking about something other than guys and sex, but you know how it is when you try hard not to think about something, and all it does is make you think about it more. However I left. I made a quick stop at 7-11, after leaving there at the stop light, in the car beside mine, was that guy I saw earlier, Chris. I gave him the guy what's up head nod, he gave me one back, but it was barely one and nothing really behind it, so I just let it go. Well when we got to the next stop light he was going the same direction as me. The same thing... I would look over, and he was already looking at me, but out the side of his eye.I knew something was up, it was just a gut feeling I had, and usually when I have them, I'm usually correct. I decided to see what was up with this guy. I look straight ahead as I roll down my window...as if saying I'm not rolling down my window to talk but just because, then I look at them. If he rolled down his window, even just casually right after I do. Then make a move. I haven't talked about this before, but I have met guys at stoplights before, who are in other cars. I 'm going to have to make a point to remember to post about that one day. So I knew what I was doing this night. Anyway he already had his window cracked a bit, but just like I thought, he rolled it down even more. At the third stop light, when we glanced at each other I took the chance this time to say something. I threw him a "What's Good?" opening and his face just suddenly warmed up, and he was like, "Nothing much... what's going on with you?" The light changed green and since at that moment there was no car's behind us we kept on with the pleasantries, another good sign something maybe up. I replied to his question, with a nothing much just hangin' ad chillin', you? He gave me some answer similar to that, That's when other cars from the stop light behind us was coming, and I said to him follow me. He was slow with his answer, but he said "aiight."

So he followed me as I turned off that main busy street off to the side street. I pulled up into a empty business parking lot. The fact that he followed me, was a clear first sign that he wasn't a complete heterosexual. So I knew something was up with him, but I wasn't sure yet, but I was about to find out. So he pulls up right beside me. Now my thoughts were we were going to talk a little more though our car windows, but to my surprise he gets out, right after he pulls up beside me. This means either two different things. Either trouble, which I felt in my car door to see if I had my just in case something happens knife handy, or that most definitely he gets down, because why would a straight guy do that. He comes to my window, he said because he didn't want to talk through cars anymore... I'm guessing also to get a better look at me. We start on that what's up tip again. Let me mention that its around 1:30 in the morning, on a Saturday night, right now. He mentions how he was on his way to his boy's place to go swimming...and so on. After a while he mentions, if there is something wrong with my legs, why was I still sitting in my car, and he is standing outside my window. I ask him, if he wants to hop in, but he asks, can I get out...he wants to see the rest of me. I get out and we are both standing outside our cars now. We both know by now, that this is not a typical straight experience, but neither one says anything. Even though I know he is down by now, I keep fishing, as he keeps fishing to see if I get down too. I tell him that I was just on my way home, before I got myself into some trouble. I knew this statement would lead to follow up questions, as to what I was talking about. He asked what kind of trouble was I trying to avoid, because it looks like I'm already high. Now let me just explain, that I have eyes that make me look like I'm tired, even when I'm not, or simply high...I like to call them though bedroom eyes...I get them from my father. Here's the thing though, I don't get high, and I wasn't high that night, I tell him this.

After a while I get tire of this little cat and mouse game, we are playing, so I go ahead and just break the ice. I ask him does he have a girl. He replied, no. I then say casually, "So you just get with men, huh?" He looks a bit off guard, by my question, but quickly recovers, with a smirk, "What are you talking about?" I lay it all out then, and look I know you get down, you know I get down, lets cut that, we played that game, it was cute... now lets be real. We talked some more, and I really don't remember how we got on the subject, but this statement stands out to me, he mentions, how he doesn't get how some guys can just get with a guy, without, really knowing them and whatnot, but he couldn't do that. That threw a whole other curve ball for me. I t made me nervous. Like this is a different kind of guy, that this wasn't going to end, like most of my other experiences.

After talking for about the first hour, he asked me, for my number, and I gave it to him. As he was typing my information into his phone.We got to a portion, that you would have thought we would have gotten to upfront, but didn't. He asked me for my name. Now here's the thing I usually don't tell the guys I get with sexually or romantically, whatever you want to call it...I don't usually give them my real name. I have my reasons but I just don't do it. The most I give them is my first initial, and that's usually the more vip guys. I usually have a quick references of names that I give guys, like club names. I can give a "Darrell, but you can call me D" in a second, or a "Trevon, but you can call me Trey." However I paused this time. There was something about Chris that made me want to be honest, and that made me nervous. That quick pause must have registered with him, because without even looking up from his phone, he said, "...and please don't give me that fake name you are about to say" I try to play it off, and say, I'm not about to give you a fake name. He just replied with a uh huh. I go ahead and tell him my real name. Now I have only gave my real full name to one other guy, that I have messed with, and that was the pastor from out of town, that I mentioned earlier in my blog life. This was new territory for me. For some reason I confess that. He was one of two that I actually told my real name to. He still doesn't believe that I gave him my real name or number. He gets a little taken back, that when he gives me his number. I don't store it right away I just type the number in, and leave it at that. He thinks that means that I have no plans on calling him back. I reassure him that, that's not my plan.

I won't bore you guys anymore about what we talked about, but we talked for another hour or two, outside. Though a pee break he took, through the rain, because it started to drizzle hard, not rain, but heavy drizzle, we continued to stand outside and talk. He asked if I was good, I said yeah I was good, if he was. We talked about a little of everything. He noticed every move I made, which had me on edge. Like at one time he asked me what I was doing with my pants. Now subconsciously I was playing with the belt loops on the front of my jean shorts as we talked, and didn't even realize it. He thought I was...well I don't know what he thought, but he mentioned it. He then took this time to mention, when I looked down at my hands to see what he was talking about, that my jean shorts had a noticeable tent in them. I was kind of embarrassed that he noticed this. I jokingly told him, that "Oh that's just a roll of quarters, never know when someone is going to need a change for a dollar." He was asking most of the questions, he totally flipped the script on me, because that's usually me doing that.

At some point he mentions how he loves body hair on a guy.He points out all the hair on my arm. He then asks do I have any more.I was like yeah, its not like the hair just stops on my arms. That leads to me showing my chest and stomach. He then asks about tattoos I tell him, I don't have any, but he does, as he is showing me the one on his chest I notice his pants with the tent. I call him out on his erection, and that he was wearing like a few pair of shorts....his jeans, his boxers, and those swimming trunks from earlier.It was official we were both turned on by each other.

After a while the drizzle picks up, and we decide to continue this conversation even more. We get in my car. As we have the seats leaned back, we are looking out the sunroof at the rain coming down. We talk some more. Even during the quiet times, it never seems awkward. I confess to him, that they're things I want to do to him, but am nervous. He tells me, that if I'm that nervous, then to ask first. I tell him, that that's not romantic at all. He tells me to just do whatever. I mention to him his earlier comment about guys moving to fast. He tells me to just kiss him already. I lean over and we start to kiss. Now he was alright a little timid, for my taste, when it comes to that department, but he had great lips. Things get a bit heavier, then a bit heavier I start to fill him up..and fill him up some more. Then he starts to reciprocate.Long story short...I don't know exactly what the metaphor would be when it comes to a guy, but I think we both got to 3rd base. I think we have gotten to home, if I hadn't decide, that we better stop, because it was getting real late by now, actually real early.It was actually breaking sun, by now. We have talked most of the night to sunrise. I told him I better get home, and get a least an hour before church. He started on this whole good guy gone bad name calling thing.

Before he got out. He asked me, was I going to call him, since I gave him a fake number. I was a little shocked that he was still on that. I told him, since you still don't believe me, then dial the number, if you don't.Thinking that challenge, would satisfy him,I was surprised, when he took out his phone to dial my number.The car was instantly filled with the sounds of my phone ringing. I didn't even answer it. I just said,"Oops...I guess I really did give you the right number, I guess I will have to remember not to next time." He asked me again was I going to call him, and agitated by name I tell him the phone works both ways. We part and say our good byes

I drive off feeling rejuvenated, even though I have been up most of the night and early morning. However I got good feeling going on. That onto something new vibe, that new possibilities high.

That is until later that week....