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Thursday, May 29, 2008

Make Me Feel Good.

This picture seems to capture my mood for this post exactly, and it's called, "Feeling Good: Male" by Geoffrey Sinckler.

When people are down and out. They have different ways of dealing, with it. Sometimes it's good and constructive things, but sometimes their vices can be self-destructive. Sometimes they drink, some people do severe narcotics, some people smoke a little weed..I have a friend who any kind of stress or downing situation comes his path, a blunt goes into his mouth, some people get a few pints of Ben and Jerry's, with a box of Oreos dipped in frosting or something, and let the tears cry them to sleep, into their ice cream. Now sometimes people celebrate the same way they sulk. I know people who drink to celebrate good times, and they drink to drown out bad times. The only difference is one might be with others, and the bad times are usually alone, in the dark. Since I really don't drink or do any kind of narcotics, even smoking weed or blunt; my thing for a pick me up, when I'm down, is one of the oldest vices, SEX!

Now things in my family the past few weeks, have not been good. It's been one thing after the other. Everybody is going through something. That's understandable, that's life. However, when the stink of other peoples bull shit, starts to drift off into the rest of our lives, then buddy we have a problem. It has been just drama and pain, and whatnot, for the past few weeks. The issue I had with my mother, might have been fueled by other things that is going on in our family. Even though I go around telling people, not to let other peoples lives affect you, I personally can't seem to follow that advice.

Well one day, when I was feeling especially down, I told myself, Self I know what would cheer you up, some good sex. I called this guy that I know, from around the way, called Hostess. He's a nice guy, not really my type but sweet and nice. He's nice and I know I'm just repeating myself, but I really don't have a better way to describe him. He's a hostess at some restaurant, I think IHOP, Bob Evans, or maybe Denny's. I can't remember which one, it's somewhere that serves breakfast. I think it's Bob Evans or IHOP, because I think those are the only two that really have a hostess, Denny's I think you seat yourself. Not sure only been to a Denny's like once. And yes I said Hostess. I remember that, because he is so proud of that position, because they usually give that position to a girl, but they knew he was the better person for the job, his words, not mine. I would have thought it would be host or Maitre d'. However I never heard a restaurant use the word host, and based off the nature of these restaurants, I know he wouldn't be called a Maitre d' that. Anyway he uses the word hostess... I've gotten off the track.

I really don't think I could see hostess, as more than what we are now. He's not boyfriend material for me at least, and I wouldn't exactly call him a friend with benefits, but just a guy who I know with skills. Plain and simple. The things he can do, with his tongue, just magical. The only thing is he has this thing about his hair. He's Puerto Rican, and he has these curls. No matter what position he is in, he's worried about messing up his hair. He's worse than a black woman. There was one time , I just wanted him to throw a scarf on it already, and call it a night, lady. This is the thing I don't understand, he puts this gel, spray, or something...not quite sure, that holds those curls, like steel. It be so hard and crunchy, it so unbelievable. Those curls aren't going anywhere, but you can't tell him that.

Anyway we got together, and I just knew that a dynamic orgasmic climax was going to get me straight, and back on track, mood wise. Now I would never confuse what we have as passionate. I have been with some passionate people, and it's hot. I don't feel like he's necessarily passionate. he's just more so... very thorough. Everywhere. He's more of a sexual people pleaser, I guess you can say. I guess that's why I decided to hook up with him, for the night.

Here's one thing, I don't know why I said it...well I know why I said it, but I don't know why I verbally expressed what was on my mind, but I actual said, "Make me feel good." It hurts my stomach even right now. I don't think he picked up on the Halle Berry'esque line, and I didn't until the ride home. I was thinking Oh my God, did I really say that, but the thing is, its what I was really feeling, at the time. I think I understand where her character in Monster's Ball was feeling. Not saying I was going through what her character was going through, but I could relate that when things are down sometimes you just want somebody to make you feel better, if only sexually.

While we were having sex. Although I had physical signs of my arousel, on some other level I just couldn't get into it. Hostess was on his game as usual, but it just wasn't enough. I feel like my mind was in another place or something. Which it probably was. I just needed more or something. Although it was feeling good, and I did climax, and had a slight orgasm. Immediately right after, nothing. I felt nothing but hollow, and not better, but just the same, if not worse. Thank God it doesn't take much to please him, in that he gets enjoyment pleasing others, and that I really didn't have to worry about him. He asked me, "What was wrong with you?" I replied with I'm cool. I left not to long after that.

On my ride home, I just kept thinking about things and life. I was thinking about what happen that night, and and the other issues, in my life. I thought about the first time I found out, how sex could have an effect on my feelings. It was one night in the fall of 2006, and I met this guy. I met him on a particularly bad day, can't remember why it was bad, but it was. Even though it was late in the evening, when we met, we connected on different levels, and we eventually hooked up, that night. I remember walking way feeling great. I remember whispering to him, why he slept, that he really gave me something I needed. As strange as it may seem, I today, don't really know what it was, that he gave me, but it was needed.

I even went home after leaving Hostess, and thinking about fall 2006, and searching all over, for that guys business card. I still had it, but I couldn't find it. I looked everywhere. I never called him back, like I told him I would, but kept his card, as a you never know, type of thing. When I couldn't find it, it occurred to me, what would I say if, I did call him. "Hey do you remember me from a year and a half ago. You made me feel better one night, when we had sex, can you do it again?"

It then hit me. Maybe I need more than sex now. First I guess I should have sought refugee in my spirituality. I should have went to God first, before seeking anything man can do. Next, I think that maybe I need more than a physical gratification, but a mental, spiritual, perhaps maybe even a... dare I say... emotional connection, as well as physical one. I don't know what I can call it, but I think I want someone, who can be there for me, on all those levels. I think I'm ready.


Darius T. Williams said...

Maturation is something else, aint it? I love when people do self-analysis and come to great conclusions as you have done. Continue to do this and you will go very far. I really hope this new way of thinking works out for you.

Rahman said...

WOW! Brotha what a journey. It was a very interesting lession that we all have to learn. It in not about those external forces but what is inside that truly makes the difference. Don't we all wish that sex or any vise could sooth the pain for a moment. But unitl we take care of what is inside and find the God wihin us, it is just a temporary fix.

Anonymous said...

A lot of us have been there man... and it really is just a temporary fix.

YoungBlack&DL said...

Darius- I'm glad to, that when I learn something about myself, because so many, live in denial abou things. The problem is, sometimes, trying to grow from it, or change. That can sometimes be the hardest part of it all.

Rahman- I totally agree with you. I know it's about what's inside, but sometimes you feel like a temporary fix will suffice, even when it doesn't in the long run.

Sean Stone- It's one that I wish even temporarily could have fix. I didn't even get that! That's the problem I just wanted it for a little bit.

Opinionated Diva said... sounds like you have so many things going on internally that a relationship or love might not be something you want to head in to without first resolving those issues.

I am cracking up at dude being so careful with his naturally curly, unbelievable!

Chet said...

Man you are absolutely right you got a lot of stuff on your chest and you need to get off from time to time.

The family situation is just that family. We do not pick our relatives and we have no control over their actions and yes it becomes part of us because we are family.

I am pleased to hear that you are thinking htinge through and finding the strong character that resides within you.

That Dude Right There said...

"I need more than a physical gratification, but a mental, spiritual, perhaps maybe even a... dare I say... emotional connection"

You said it right there. But the first emotional connection you need to have is with yourself.

bLaQ~n~MiLD said...

Yo, I love these tangents you drift off into. It's like you go way left only to come back and be like "Ummm...o yea" LoL. Makes me laugh.

I feel you on the empty sex thing tho. As you've said, you get to a point where you just want more. Now finding that person you truly connect with is another issue...


Ladynay said...

Worst than a black woman? Imma kick you! *wink*

What I wanted to say has been said.

YoungBlack&DL said...

Diva, I don't know if it was nature or not, but that thing on his head was like a helmet.

Chet, thanks. You right, if I could, I would pick them for sure!

I think I connected with myself emotionally... I think?

LAdy Nay- you know women are all about the hair.
"Oh no! I spent to much for this...Let me wrap this up first, then we can get down..or do you have a silk or satan pillow case?"

I don't know about you beacuse you have locks but others are.

Mr. Fabulous said...

Whats up Mr.?

I found your blog by complete accident (you made a comment on a friend of a friend or a friends blog) and all I can say is you have me addictive. I've been reading your blogs ALL really...ALL DAY! Keep it have a new reader.

Howard C.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for stop by my spot. You got another new reader in me. Loving your blog.

I think we have all been there were we think something will ease our pain but it's only temporary. Sometimes we need that temporary fix even if it lasts for a couple of hours. Going to God first is always the best option.

blkbutterfly said...

as cliche as it might sound, it's all a part of the growing up process. the physical attention will only satisfy you so much. but, you also have to make sure you're not looking for that something you already have within yourself.

Bougie Black Show said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Bougie Black Boy said...

Loved this post. I'll definitely be returning. My first time over here!

fuzzy said...

Sorry I have been mia for a bit, but your blog is all the way at the bottom of my bloglines (starting with Y) and I am having much srouble making it down the list these days. I started from z today!

Wow, I was holding on to your every word. I have felt like that many times before. I often wondered what is wrong with me... then I had to clear y mind and focus on what I wanted and expected from the person and the total experience!

If you are ready, go for it. Go get exactly what you need...