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Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Walk in my shoes for a change...Oh that's right you have!

It's been a minute since I last blogged. There has been a lot going on. I have sorta been depressed about certain things in my family, and to be honest didn't feel like talking or even typing about it, in my recent refuge, my blog. However I think I'm ready to get back into the swing.

When we are children, and are parents do things, that we feel was unfair or unjust, the things that so many of us say as a child, is "When I have kids one day, I would never do that or this." It amazes me of how things change when we actually have kids. Those words seem to vanish, as well as the memories of what it felt like at that age. That empathy seems to decrease at every birthday.

Last Monday I had started to write about my Mother's Day weekend. I didn't finish my post, because something came up, and I was going to get to it later. Unfortunately I tend to start many post, then don't finish, and next time I have moved on to a new subject. Anyway, a situation arose between me and my mother before I could come back and finish my post. Me and my mother can go from 0 to 180 in like no time. We have always been gifted in that way. I had named my Mother's Day post " I love you Mom, but..." Even though I was talking about something else. It seems to capture my relationship with her so much, and this situation. It started with one comment. I was telling her how I was helping someone, in a way better themselves. Well at least in my opinion; I thought it was a step forward at least. My mother being the forever pessimist. Made a comment about the outcome being disastrous for me. Now it would be one thing if she said things in a way, where it at least seemed like it was out of love or concern. However I don't think she has that ability when it comes to me. Now I know she means well, and she loves me, but her comments of concern...I guess you can call it, feels like its just pure negativity.

This pissed me off. It makes me mad that she talks about hope and faith at church, but doesn't seem to have to much of it of her own, at least not for people...god maybe. Everything is always taken to the negative. She calls it being real and telling it like it is. Now I understand that she has been through a lot in her lifetime, that has probably shaped this point of view, but sometimes enough is enough. She is always telling me how she is willing to help someone, if they are willing to help themselves. The thing is she never thinks anyone is really trying to help themselves. I told her that she always sees things as the glass is half empty, if it has anything at all in. She is never optimistic about anything. I told her that...or more like I didn't ever want to here her talk about faith and hope again, because she knows nothing about it.

Now we also have this ability to move from one subject to another, in that same argument. We some how go from that to how I always disagree, with anything she says. Now I can very well say the same thing for her. Which of course I did say. More arguing later, when get to the biblical quotes I have been hearing my whole life, "Honor thy mother and father, that our days may be long... or Obedience is better than sacrifice..." We argue some more, than that leads to both of us yelling. Which ends in me being slapped down...Twice!

I stormed off and drove even faster off. When I get that ultimate level of anger and hurt. I don't want to speak or talk to anyone. I especially didn't talk to her for several days. Not a word. I heard how she called a few family members, to casually ask, if they heard from me, and how she was concerned, but of course I never got a phone call. We eventually started to talk again, but for some reason, I feel like this really changed us, and not for the good. I truly feel like I can't tell her anything about my life and doings and probably won't.

Now before I continue let me tell you a story, that my mother told me once. This was when she was 19 years old, a little younger than I am now. How her and my grandfather was coming back from church, one evening. My grandfather was a no nonsense kind of guy, when it came to his children growing up. I have heard many times of the, he never had to ask you twice to do anything. You knew what would happen if he did. As they became adults that change, slowly though, more so when they had kids. Well anyway, they were coming home from some meeting at church. My grandfather was a pastor. They were discussing something, not even arguing, when my mother disagreed with something he said, and he stopped the car, and slapped her, and made the comment "Don't sass me, girl!" Anyway that was enough for my mother to pack her bags that night, in the late 60s, and got on the bus the next day and moved to Washington D.C., to live with family friends. For the 6 months, she was gone, their relationship was strained. My mother was his youngest daughter, and from what people have said, she was like his road dawg, back in the day, in the church. So her moving like that tore him up. Well one night when my mother was almost attacked, or who knows what else could have happened one night, if it wasn't for her quick thinking... when she was walking home from her job. When my grandfather got word of this, he called her and apologized, and asked her to come back home, to southern Virginia. He told her how he was out of line about what he did, and that he needed to respect that she was a grown woman not a child, with a mind of her own. She of course did move back.

Now this seems oddly familiar, different characters, same plot. The only thing is she didn't apologize to me really. When does it happen, that we forget where we are from, and the shoes we use to where. Will it happen, that if I ever have kids, I will do the same? Is that just the progression of life.


Chet said...

YBDL, after reading your blog this afternoon I have a few questions for you; first of all I can feel the strain of that relationship between yourself and your mother. For some odd reason I feel that the two of you are closer in age (meaning moms was probably a young mother). Having a parent that was a kid when they became a parent leaves much to be desired. Ole school parents and Generation X children don't mead well either, but the important lesson as the child of any parent is to love thy Mother, Father and respect them just as they are to love and respect you no matter what, but of course we all know that has it's limitations.

YBDL,are you uncomfortable in your own skin? Believe it when you hear it, it takes a long time to become comfortable in one's own skin and we tend to catch hell trying to contain the secerts we should have kept for ourselves, or be brave enough to turn them demons loose. I bumped heads with my parents: Big C and Eloise all the time and couldn't understand why because I had very loving, educated and understanding parents; later I discovered that I was busy trying to live up to their expectations and set few goals for myself that is when all hell would break loose... My parents sit me down after dinner one night and explained to me that no matter what they loved me, but we will not accept anything less than you doing the best you can, that conversation would lead into the Black and Back in the Day stories.
YBDL you mentioned you were feeling down; why?
What within reason would make you happy?
Ask yourself "what can I do to better the relationship I have with my Mom?"
Apply Yourself and the results will be great.

YoungBlack&DL said...

Chet- I guess you could say me and my mother are close in age. I'm 22 and she is 60. Does 40 years, count as close?

Am I comfortable in my skin? I beleive the answer is Hell to Naw! I have no problems really containing my secrets. I's just the little things I can't even tell her.

She has expectations for me, that I'm not meeting. I realized awile ago that I have to do me. I'm not going to meet them anyway.

I know how I can have a better relationship with her. Either not have an opinion of my own, that isn't her same view, or to be distant. Unfortunately, it was her who taught me that sometimes you have to love people from a distance. I really see that as our future.

Darius T. Williams said...

LOL - where would we be if we had noooo family drama?

WhozHe said...

It's unfortunate that your mother decided to physically attempt to make her point instead of continuing to use her words to speak to another adult (you).

It's also unfortunate that she's being led to believe that she can do those things and no apology is necessary. Love may be unconditional but relationships are not. Adult relationships are based on mutual respect and physical altercations are never accpetable.

You haven't completely gotten over the slaps, and until you deal directly with her on the matter, it will always negatively effect your realtionship with her.

Tell her you love her but you struggle with the incident that occurred between the two fo you. Hopefully she will say the things you need to hear to move on. If not the emotional seperation will continue and you may need to move on in a different direction.

Opinionated Diva said...

Wow. Growing up, I too felt like I would never raise my kids the way my mother raised me and my sisters, but the older I get, I start understanding SOME of the reasons why she is the way she is.

You want your mom to understand where you are coming from...try to understand what makes her who she is too. If you've already done that...then maybe it's best you two stay in seperate corners until enough time has passed that you're both ready to start over.

Hopefully it wont be because of something tragic like what bought her and her father back together.

yet another black guy said...

You know the saying, "Old habits are hard to break"? well that usually applies to parents in regards to how they view and treat their children. much like your mother once did, you are going to have to emphatically change this by asserting yourself in a very decisive and independent manner. without being wishy washy or feeling guilty. this may not improve the relationship right away, but she will know her boundaries when dealing with you.

hope this helps - but for the record, me and mine don't even speak.

Anonymous said...

I'm like your friend, forget her and go on with your life.

YoungBlack&DL said...

Darius- I guess Happy and bored?

Whozhe- I will say this. I really don't think I will ever have that relationship, that I once had with her, and it's not because of this incident. It's because I feel like I really can't tell her anything, without some judgement. I really don't need that right now.

Diva- That;s the thing I know the things that shaped her, so that's why I think she could be more understanding of me. She has told me, and I've seen the things. The problem I'm having that she can't see some of the similarities, of the two of us. And become more understanding of me, and what I'm trying to say.

y.a.b. guy- I think you are right on being more decisive and independant from her on many levels, but I don't think not speaking to her period, is going to help the situation any better. It's sad to hear you say, that's what you have done.

Curio- Forget her and go on with my life, okay sure..easier said than done, but thanks.

The Pew View said...

Chile - you got more family drama than my soaps that come on CBS. You knows I only watches CBS. I loves me some of that She-mar Moore. Kinda fruity tooty, but I loves him anyway. Just keep one knee bent in prayer and tell Jesus all about it. In the end, he shole gonna work it out.

With Love,
Mrs. Mabel

bLaQ~n~MiLD said...

Interesting. Me and my mother are the same way. When I was still living at home, it wasn't rare for us not to speak for days or weeks. It's been like that between us for YEARS. We just don't tend to get along well if we're around each other too much but when we're apart our relationship is good. Parents are interesting and it's said that you'll never understand until you have your own. I guess I'll have to wait for that day...

Thought provoking post yo.


That Dude Right There said...

When you said she slapped you down twice I didn't think that you meant that she physically slapped you.

I really hate it when people don't get along with their mothers. Mom seems like the one person that should always have you back and always support you. I don't know how I would have reacted.

When I noticed that my mother and I started drifting apart when I went to college, I had a real honest talk to her about it. Solved that problem quickly.