It's been a minute since I last blogged. There has been a lot going on. I have sorta been depressed about certain things in my family, and to be honest didn't feel like talking or even typing about it, in my recent refuge, my blog. However I think I'm ready to get back into the swing.
When we are children, and are parents do things, that we feel was unfair or unjust, the things that so many of us say as a child, is "When I have kids one day, I would never do that or this." It amazes me of how things change when we actually have kids. Those words seem to vanish, as well as the memories of what it felt like at that age. That empathy seems to decrease at every birthday.
Last Monday I had started to write about my Mother's Day weekend. I didn't finish my post, because something came up, and I was going to get to it later. Unfortunately I tend to start many post, then don't finish, and next time I have moved on to a new subject. Anyway, a situation arose between me and my mother before I could come back and finish my post. Me and my mother can go from 0 to 180 in like no time. We have always been gifted in that way. I had named my Mother's Day post " I love you Mom, but..." Even though I was talking about something else. It seems to capture my relationship with her so much, and this situation. It started with one comment. I was telling her how I was helping someone, in a way better themselves. Well at least in my opinion; I thought it was a step forward at least. My mother being the forever pessimist. Made a comment about the outcome being disastrous for me. Now it would be one thing if she said things in a way, where it at least seemed like it was out of love or concern. However I don't think she has that ability when it comes to me. Now I know she means well, and she loves me, but her comments of concern...I guess you can call it, feels like its just pure negativity.
This pissed me off. It makes me mad that she talks about hope and faith at church, but doesn't seem to have to much of it of her own, at least not for people...god maybe. Everything is always taken to the negative. She calls it being real and telling it like it is. Now I understand that she has been through a lot in her lifetime, that has probably shaped this point of view, but sometimes enough is enough. She is always telling me how she is willing to help someone, if they are willing to help themselves. The thing is she never thinks anyone is really trying to help themselves. I told her that she always sees things as the glass is half empty, if it has anything at all in. She is never optimistic about anything. I told her that...or more like I didn't ever want to here her talk about faith and hope again, because she knows nothing about it.
Now we also have this ability to move from one subject to another, in that same argument. We some how go from that to how I always disagree, with anything she says. Now I can very well say the same thing for her. Which of course I did say. More arguing later, when get to the biblical quotes I have been hearing my whole life, "Honor thy mother and father, that our days may be long... or Obedience is better than sacrifice..." We argue some more, than that leads to both of us yelling. Which ends in me being slapped down...Twice!
I stormed off and drove even faster off. When I get that ultimate level of anger and hurt. I don't want to speak or talk to anyone. I especially didn't talk to her for several days. Not a word. I heard how she called a few family members, to casually ask, if they heard from me, and how she was concerned, but of course I never got a phone call. We eventually started to talk again, but for some reason, I feel like this really changed us, and not for the good. I truly feel like I can't tell her anything about my life and doings and probably won't.
Now before I continue let me tell you a story, that my mother told me once. This was when she was 19 years old, a little younger than I am now. How her and my grandfather was coming back from church, one evening. My grandfather was a no nonsense kind of guy, when it came to his children growing up. I have heard many times of the, he never had to ask you twice to do anything. You knew what would happen if he did. As they became adults that change, slowly though, more so when they had kids. Well anyway, they were coming home from some meeting at church. My grandfather was a pastor. They were discussing something, not even arguing, when my mother disagreed with something he said, and he stopped the car, and slapped her, and made the comment "Don't sass me, girl!" Anyway that was enough for my mother to pack her bags that night, in the late 60s, and got on the bus the next day and moved to Washington D.C., to live with family friends. For the 6 months, she was gone, their relationship was strained. My mother was his youngest daughter, and from what people have said, she was like his road dawg, back in the day, in the church. So her moving like that tore him up. Well one night when my mother was almost attacked, or who knows what else could have happened one night, if it wasn't for her quick thinking... when she was walking home from her job. When my grandfather got word of this, he called her and apologized, and asked her to come back home, to southern Virginia. He told her how he was out of line about what he did, and that he needed to respect that she was a grown woman not a child, with a mind of her own. She of course did move back.
Now this seems oddly familiar, different characters, same plot. The only thing is she didn't apologize to me really. When does it happen, that we forget where we are from, and the shoes we use to where. Will it happen, that if I ever have kids, I will do the same? Is that just the progression of life.