Thursday, October 22, 2009
I'm not your Girl...I'm not the Woman...I'm not the Bitch
It's weird how a subject seems to pop up and show it's face, multiple times in your life, around the same time. Well, this is how this post was developed. All these things seemed to happen in the same week or so.
So it all started when I'm watching "Brothers and Sisters" with, Momma Dearest, my mother. Well, we are watching the show and the two men, who are the gay couple have a scene and they are arguing about something. Out of no where Momma Dearest asks, "So which one is the Man and which one is the Woman?" I know what she is talking about, but set on trying to ignore it, I answer it honestly as I can, trying to shut it down where this is heading. I reply "I don't know what you are talking about, they both are men." Well, maybe not as honestly as I could, but enough where maybe she gets my point. However she doesn't. She then replies, "You know what I mean. Which one is playing the woman and which one is playing the man?" I still don't pull myself into the conversation, so I reply again, "No I don't know what you are talking about. I see two men there, Mom." She rolls her eyes and gives me a sigh, like she is an expert on these things. She then goes into explaining these "types" of situations. So she says, "In these types of situations, there is always one person playing the woman and one playing the man. You know what I'm talking about, like with lesbians, one is the man and one is the woman." I say something, hopefully that will shut down this stupid conversation, kinda of an awkward one for me at that. I reply, "Mom, if You can't figure out which one is the man and which one is the woman, then guess what?...they both are men." She just gives me a look, like why does my son have to be so difficult.
Here's the thing...why can't two men, just be two men who are romantic or having sex? Why does one or the other have to be considered "The Man" in the relationship and the other man considered, "The Woman"?
Here's the thing as frustrating as it is. I really can't be angry at her ignorance. That's what it is, just plain ole fashion ignorance. I mean when I think about it. She is only basing her knowledge on the only two OPENLY gay men she knows. She may know many, but she don't know she knows they are gay. Moving on... She is only basing her knowledge on the two actually open gay men, she has had a frequent acquaintance with. Coincidentally, both from her hair salon experience. The first guy, I believe his name was Arthur. Well, Momma Dearest used to go to this salon that Arthur used to do hair at. Not sure if he owned it or not, but he did hair there. He wasn't Momma Dearest hairdresser, I think he had the chair next to her normal hairdresser at the time. Anyway Arthur was a bit on the feminine side. He used to where some woman's appeal occasionally. If he wore men's clothing...well it just seemed to wear differently on him, than your average guy. He used to wear his hair in finger waves and wet n' wavy. You get the time period I am giving you, like mid 90s. Anyway Arthur and his boyfriend got married, or well had a civil ceremony, during the time my Mom used to go to his salon. Although my Mom didn't go to the wedding, she did see the pictures that was taken. Arthur had his full wedding party picture framed and on the wall near his chair. Now as I stated Arthur was a bit feminine, and in his relationship, his boyfriend was more masculine than Arthur. In the wedding, Arthur's future husband wore a black tuxedo, and Arthur being the feminine one out of the two, opted for something more traditional than a white tuxedo. Something on the lines of a big white wedding dress with a huge train and a head piece. It didn't quite end there either. The groomsmen wore traditional black tuxedos, and well Arthur's bridesmaids, wore traditional pink gowns. The only non traditional element was that not all of Arthur's bridesmaids were women. Half were men as well. So you have the "bride" in her virginal white gown along side his groom, and his bridesmaids and "bridesmen". Unfortunately Arthur died a couple years later. Either form Aids related complications or from domestic abuse. I can't remember exactly which one it was. I know his husband gave him Aids, because he was unsafely and unprotected cheating on him, and his husband was physically abusing him badly as well. Either way he died from the relationship. The other gay man, my Mom knows is, from the hair salon she attends now. I will say this he does dress like a man, however it's only 25 to 30 percent of the time though. That's right the other 70 to 75 percent of the time it's as a woman with a different name I believe. I could be wrong though could be the same name for both persona's. He is a professional musician. When he is working and playing music he is a man, strictly for the job. when he comes to the shop dressed as a man, then you know he must be off to a gig or to do something music related, at the church. He also is a lead musician at a big church. The church found out about his other life, and had an instant intervention at his house, and prayed and "delivered him from his wicked and sinful ways." He then gave them all of his sinful female clothes and wigs. However all he really gave them was his old hair and clothes that he wouldn't dare be caught in the street in. He only rocks the "new new." Anyway, any other time...which is whenever he leaves the house, he is in full drag...wig, makeup, stiletto heels...the whole nine! I mean the one time I saw him. He had this long brown hair in a bun, with a pink fur head wrap, Baby Phat jeans, pink timberland stiletto boots, with pink fur at the top of the boots, and some pink top with pink fur as well. She was ghetto chic, all pinked out like she had been to a Cam'ron garage sale. He had some thug boyfriend too, because as you can guess she was the feminine one.
I mean these are my mom's reference to what gay life is like. So it's no wonder she thinks that in all gay situations there must be a woman and a man. Here's the thing. She's not alone. It seems to be everywhere. This referring, calling or saying that one of the men in a homosexual situation is the woman, in the relationship. However I can't deny I have been there too. I have had the same thoughts running through my mind in certain situations. However now, it's beginning to be so frustrating, to hear.
Here's the deal. It all comes down to us putting traditional heterosexual roles and ideals, onto homosexual...I don't know...way of life? In complete heterosexual roles, we have a tendency of defining what is the female role and the male role. The sort of "You hunt it and I cook it" mentality. The belief that the man goes out and makes the money and the woman tends to the home. Now granted this is not the way of life for many now. Situations vary and are different all over the board now. However we still have this attachment to the traditions. If one person in a homosexual situation happens to be softer or more gentle, maybe likes to cook, cleans well, more concerned about the way they look, sensitive, then most are quick to think well theses are more characteristics associated with a female; then they must be the woman, in their homosexual involvement. If a person seems to be harder, tougher, rugged, more of the provider, likes sports, more of the leader in the situation, more thuggish or manly in some fashion, then people tend to associate that with characteristics of men, therefor they must be the Man. I've thought this myself. When I had my first date with a man...which by the way I think I will be telling in the near future, because it regards someone I want to really talk about on my blog, so look out for that. Anyway when I went on my first date with a man, I kept trying to remind myself, that I am not the woman. I never wanted to come off as the woman in the date. Whether it came to opening doors for me, paying, anything...I never wanted to be considered the woman.
There is this new show on HBO, called "Bored to Death" Its about a writer, Jonathan, who is blocked, so he decides to become an unlicensed detective on Craigslist; to unblock his writers' block. Anyway the show is cute for what it is, but the real funny element to the show is Ted Danson's character, George. Each week Ted Danson character is getting himself in some situation to get a girl, or to maintain a young girl. One week he was on hiatus from women, because one gave him herpes on his lips. Anyway George is a neurotic late 50s something, functioning alcoholic pot head, who is the Editor and Chief, for a major magazine. Well do to the recession, magazine sales and subscriptions has gone down; however the biggest hit is coming from the women. His female subscriptions are down 30 percent. So what does he opt to do, instead of getting more female writers and articles like suggested to him?...he decides to become gay. His therapist advises him to become gay, in order to get in touch with his feminine side. The theory is that women like gay men, they feel comfortable and can relate to them, so in order to increase his female subscriptions, he needs to become gay. He doesn't decide to take slow steps in the baby pool. He decides to jump head first into the deep in of the pool, i.e. have sex with a man. As George is discussing his decision to become gay, he makes it seem okay to be gay, by referring that the great British and American actor he admires, Lawrence Olivier was in a gay relationship with another great American actor, Danny Kaye. As they are talking the subject comes up by Jonathan, in regard to the two actors preference. He asks George, "As old fashion as this may sound, which actor do you think was the 'woman' in the relationship?" Without missing a beat Ted Danson's character says Danny Kaye. His reasoning being because Danny Kaye could do so many accents. He could be a different woman for Lawrence Olivier every night of the week. However before this comment I think they were also referring to the fact that Danny Kaye was the Singer, Dancer Comedian, and Lawrence Olivier was the serious dramatic actor. Later on, in the show when George decides to hookup with a black gay escort he found online. He chickens out in having sex, but he does decides to spoon with the black guy, after the escort compliments his looks. Later on we see, the black escort being the one on the outside spooning George from behind, as George gets a phone call from Jonathan. When asked about how it all was going, he tells John, "That I'm no Danny Kaye, if you know what I mean?" Basically saying I'm no woman. Here is the ironic part, is sorta was the woman in the situation, by his earlier definition. He was the one with his butt in the crotch of the escort as he was spooning him.
This brings me to my next point. Most have a tendency to associate the physical sex as regards to being the "Man" and being the "Woman". Once again there is this placement of putting traditional heterosexual sex on to the homosexual sex. I'm only going to talk about two men in the particular regards, because...well, I'm not a lesbian, and don't know to much about what they do. I mean I can only imagine eat each other out. I don't know what could be considered a "man" role and a "woman" role. I can only guess that maybe the "man" is the only who is fingering or using the strap on, to do the other woman, but you know not sure about all of the intricacies of lesbian sex, so use your imagination on that one. I do know a thing or two about two men getting down, and I think we all can understand how labels of the man and the woman can improperly be placed. It all comes down to...how can I put this delicately...it comes down to, whose pitching and whose the catcher. I don't know how else to put it. Here's my thing, just because a man prefers to...uh catch, whatever is pitched to him, doesn't make him "the Woman." Same goes for the pitcher; just because he likes or prefers to pitching...things, doesn't make him "the man." However people think because a man penetrates a woman's coochie, and one man may penetrate another guy, then he is "the woman," being penetrated by "the man." Now I will say this, that very well may be the situation for some. I mean there maybe be a tad bit smoke to where that fire is. However that is not always the situation. For example online I met this person on one of the sex sites who was a transsexual. They lived their life as a woman, however they hadn't had the final operation to get...Mister Johnson cut off, because well they only liked to pitch things...and let me say from the picture I saw they had a huge...pitching arm. They were not into catching things. However we are not going to go into all of that...I just feel that is another topic for another day.
I'm not sure where this characterization comes from, but I personally feel it stems from men in prison. Now let me go into my next example from this week. It comes from the new show on Fox, called "The Cleveland Show." I know y'all are thinking dang Young, how many shows are you watching. Look it's the Fall going into Winter. It's time to put the late nights to rest, and watch some good television, don't hate. It's a spin-off of "Family Guy." It has the voices of both Sanaa Latham's voice as the Mom, and Nia Long as the voice of the bratty 16 year old daughter, however only for the first 14 episodes, then they replaced her voice with the another actress, they say Nia Long voice was too mature. Anyway, on this week's episode, Cleveland for some reason gets arrested. He is only in jail for a couple hours, before his wife, Sanaa Lathams character picks him up from jail. She is so turned on, by him being an ex con and locked up, even for a couple hours, she has to have him immediately. So she pulls over on the side on the road, and Cleveland makes the comment he wants to do it prison style. He then tells his wife he wants to be on the bottom, he wants to be the "girl" first. The funny part being he is with his wife, how can he be the girl first. Sounds familiar from what I was saying above.
Okay now this where the post is going to officially get long, if not already. However this is where those you are reading stamina is low, This is where you can move on. I think you get sorta where I am going with this post. I'm now going to go into one last example of why...If I had not made it clear, I'm not the girl or the woman. I'm about to go into a real life situation from this week, as some may already know. Those stories can get pretty long, not sure how long this one will be, so you are more than free to end your reading pleasure here, for those of you who want me to go on here it is.
Okay I'm really going to make this short and sweet...or to the best in my abilities. This past week, before watching, "The Cleveland Show" episode. I met this guy near Von's house. I was visiting or meeting him, I just happened to be in Von's area. Anyway I met this guy at a chicken joint. We made eye contact and what not. Nothing serious, we talked for a bit, while we waited...blah blah blah. He left first then I. He was on a bicycle....yes not a bike, but a bicycle. He kept falling over. The way he was falling, you would think he was drunk riding, but I talked to him earlier, he wasn't drunk. The last fall, had me cracking up, because he was riding and fell over side ways into a brick wall. I pulled up beside him, still right near the chicken joint, and asked him, was he okay. He smiled and told me yeah, but then said, "If you want you can give me a ride home. To be honest I wasn't really in any kind of mood to give someone a ride. I just wanted to go home at this point. However I looked at him for a minute, and really judged the situation, and agreed. He puts his bicycle in the cargo area, of my SUV. He gave me the directions to his apartment. When we got there, it was less than a block or so away from the chicken spot. I told him, he could have walked his bike there, from where we was at. I mean it took more time to put the bike in my trunk, than it took for us to get to his place. I asked him, why did he even ask me to give him a lift. He told me it was an excuse to see where my head was at. When I questioned what he was talking about, he then asks me inside. I tell him, I told know him, and not going inside his place, and I just met him. So he does the name thing, where he is from blah blah this, blah blah that, he asks me questions...really concerned about where I was from and who I knew int hat area. He of course got the fake name, and don't know a soul in the area, was just in the hood for chicken. He then informs me know I know him, I can come in. I decide what the hell and go inside with him to see where this is going. When we get inside his small apartment. He offers me a seat and something to drink. I decline the drink and take a seat. Right off back ole boy waste no time, in telling me the rest of his life history. The first of many crazy things he tells me, is how long it has been since he has made love to a girl. A year or so. I'm like what does this have to do with me. He tells me how he was once married, now divorce. She divorced him, because of some trouble he got into. He then informs me, how he was arrested for armed robbery. I asked him, what did he rob, he then informs me he robbed a bank. He then tells me that was the past, and he doesn't want to talk about that. He wants to talk about how he senses something different about me, how he wants to make love to me. This freaks the hell out of me. I mean I kinda got that he got down with men, when he asked me in, but this asking me to make love, freaked the hell out of me. I tell first of all it wouldn't be making love, because there is no love, it would be sex. Then I tell him things are moving to fast for me. I mean I know my history of how fast I move, but he doesn't, and I'm not sure I am feeling him. There is something sexy about him, but still I'm not really feeling him. I ask him how long he was in jail. He then tells me 18 years. This shocked me. He told me around year 8 is when his wife divorced him. I mean can you blame her. Apparently because he never turned in the money or told the police where it was at, they gave him the max time. He then says something that stops me in my tracks. He compliments me on something, but addresses me as "babygirl." At first I though I heard him wrong, then he calls me it again. I tell him, I'm a man, don't call me "babygirl." He tells me that's what he calls the girls he gets with. I'm a little in shocked, because I can't figure out what about me he would think would justify him calling me a girl. We move on. I have a theory about mean who serve time so I ask him about how long it took him, before he had sex in jail. He tells me 9 years. This sorta blows my theory, until he tells me the reason why, because he was in solitaire confinement for most of the first 9 years he was in jail. I asked him why was he in solitaire, so much. He tells me, because of the guys he murdered in jail. Okay this is when I wanted to get up running out. He goes into telling things was different in prison during the late 80s early 90s time, and he did what he had to do...and blah blah blah. He said the beast in him, didn't end until the white man, decided to distract him, with sex. The decided to put a young tender thing as his cell mate, and the rest was history. He became a lover not a fighter. I ask him how old he was, he had a problem with telling me this. Thought I would up and leave if I found out he was 45. This he was worried about all the men he killed he thought was nothing. I really wanted to leave at this point. However I;m not going to lie, I was a bit scared. I felt like I started to see something crazy in his eye. Maybe I was just seeing things after he disclosed all the men he killed, or maybe it was some really craziness. I mean lets be real no matter if a person turned over a new leaf, once they have killed, aren't you always on that edge, like if they killed once, they could do it again. We had "The Talk," and I basically summed up, we were not into the same things. I mean he was strictly in wanting me to get screwed by him, and suck his dick. None of that was happening. I explained to him, that we are not compatible for anything, and I should go. He then tells me that it has been over a year or two since he has held something and cuddle with someone like me, and he needed something soon to settle the beast inside.
You know what this story is getting to long, and I'm tired of writing so...I might come back and finish the story later on this post, maybe not... You tell me if I should....
Long story short crazy prison in his twisted mine. Thought I was the "girl" to his man. I wasn't Kept telling him....he kept not getting it. His thinking continued to the end that there has to be a woman and a man in any situation, and I was the "girl" he wanted. His bitch... I wouldn't and wasn't...the end.
My point is maybe it's human nature to associate, traditional hetero roles onto homo roles...some maybe cool with that, I'm not the end, have a nice day.
I will say this one last thing. While trying to find pics for this post on google...I think I need a new place to find cool pics...any advice?...
Anyway I stumbled on this one pic of a person that looked familiar. Then it hit me, it was a picture of fellow blogger ShawnQT of a Dreams In a Fitted, What was odd was the pictures was of a post from early 2007 of him and his friends and boyfriend at the time Fuzzy. In one picture, how can I say this, without putting myself in a corner. Okay in one picture....uh that one was the..uh ruh pitcher and one was the uh catcher, but if you have read Fuzzy's blog you would think otherwise....nevermind...hmmm, Sorry Fuzzy and ShawnQT. Like I say I think we all go to that place where our minds take us there on this particular subject, of well labeling people.
By the way I also find it interesting I stumbled on this post, about ShawnQT and his friends who are like a family, in this post....and here we are a few years later and Fuzzy is talking about how the friendships are not the same anymore. It's weird how life brigns up these sunjects and coincedences all at the same time.