Thursday, October 29, 2009
He Lust Me...He Lust Me Not...I Lust Them All Not
What is it about the rain, that I love. I mean it can be so many different characteristics and embodiments. When it's hot, it can be refreshing...when its cold, it can be dreary...It can be sad, it can make you happy, it can be soothing, it can be terrifying, it can make you sing, apparently based on some movie titles, and it can be very romantic. I feel like I have a raining day spirit. I don't know I like the rain. It fits me somehow.
Tonight, it's raining. A cold, damp rain. It's raining hard. It's that season, I suppose. Spring gets the stigma of being the raining season, with "April Showers brings May flowers" saying, but no the late Summer/Fall season is definitely the raining season, by it being hurricane season. Anyway for me the rain is very sexy. Something about it is very sensuous to me. It makes me want to...well, touch somebody...it makes me want to touch myself, as girlie as that might sound. Nothing obscene I'm touching, just over the sweater nipple rubbing. Okay maybe under the sweater nipple rubbing and perhaps a little pinching as well. Tonight makes me think of a night I had a little over a month ago, maybe slightly longer. Before I had given up on sucking...well before I declared a ban on oral sex. A night I met this guy. Ironically, I ran into him tonight, a night dark and rainy, like the night I met him. I ran into him as I was driving, like that night. Tonight, I think about that night we spent.
The night started off clean and crisp, but most importantly it started off dry. I never expected the night overall to end the way it ended. To be completely honest, I can't remember where I was going, or where I was coming from. I do remember it was a Sunday night. I notice him at the stop light. He is driving a white two door Honda, with a huge spoiler on the back. We make eye contact, then we return our faces back forward to the road ahead. We meet at the next stoplight a block ahead. I look over at him, he is still looking ahead. As if immediately sensing my glance he looks at me, we make eye contact again. However this time something is different, it last several seconds longer...too long. We take off, both get caught at yet another stoplight. Always at the same length of cars back in our lanes; whether it's both first or both third, always the same. This time I sense his glance first I then look over at him glancing my way. This time I give him the head nod up, the man's hello, well in certain circles. He returns it. It starts to drizzle. I'm a little surprised, hadn't heard the weather. Didn't know it was supposed to rain. The night just didn't feel as if rain was in store. We both look forward, but our glances at each other always returns. I've been here before many, many times. This interaction feels very familiar to me, almost like the feeling of home. We take off again, this time however I change it up. I test the feeling, see if it is what I know it to be. Before we happen to get caught at another stoplight I speed up and pull in front of him. After a minute or two I put on my single to turn at the next corner. He does the same. I drive some more, as he follows. Even though it's not where I was planning on going, I keep driving. The drizzle now suddenly turns into a fast rain fall, at this point. I make another turn, he makes the same one. I move into another lane, so that we are back to driving side by side. All though the now heavy rain is obstructing my view, on windows other than the front windshield, I can see his head facing me and glancing at me. I decide to take this to the next level. I get back in front of him, and pull off into an empty parking deck, out of the rain. Like he has been doing for the past several blocks, he follows suit. I pull into a space he pulls into a space on the opposite side right behind me. Let me just make this DISCLAIMER...THIS IS NOT FOR EVERYBODY, DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME, THIS IS NOT FOR AMATEURS. It takes time to get this 6th sense. I pause for a minute, wonder whether I should make the first move or him. Fortunately he makes the decision for me. He gets out of his car and makes his way over to me. I make a quick glance into my vanity mirror and check myself out, real quick. He approaches my driver window, as I'm rolling it down. I am greeted by...well not what I was expecting. I didn't know what he was. I mean I didn't know what race he was. I thought with all the glances he was black, but he wasn't black. However he didn't quite come off white either. Real quickly in my mind, I try to figure out what race he was, I was getting a blank. Not sure if it was the light in the parking deck or it being night time, or what exactly was the deal. I summed up his style instantly though...skater/alternative. He was wearing a black and white checkered hat turned backwards, with DC logo on it. I grew up with white boys like him, Skater brand, like Quiksilver. Which I believe was the logo on his shirt, but I could be wrong. Not sure what his shoes were but they looked like what Vans use to look like. He looked like someone who listens to Linkin Park, Creed, Evanescence, or maybe Nickleback perhaps. If he listens to rap, then it's that rap/rock combo type, like Gym Class Heroes or something like the Jay-Z and Linkin Park collaboration album. Then there was his size. He was kinda on the small side. I'm not talking about his height, which was 5'5/5'6 or so. That wasn't the problem, because big things can come in small packages. It was more so about his weight. I have no problem with slender or lean guys, just like I have no problem with medium, thick, or big guys, but he seemed a bit...hmm on the scraggly side. He just looked scrawny, maybe lean or maybe slim, but definitely a little on the scrawny side. He didn't exactly do it for me on the first attraction. He greets me, I'm polite and return the greeting. He gives ma a "What's up with you?" and "What's going on?" comments. I give him vague answers back..."Nothing Much" and "Just Chillin'." We finally get to the point where he tells me he was hanging out with his friends drinking, but he wasn't ready to go home yet blah blah blah. I instantly know this wasn't going anywhere, for me. Maybe sense I felt like that, I should have ended it right there. I wasn't really feeling him instantly, he wasn't my style. However I didn't end it. I decide not to be rude and say "Okay, I'm not really into you, from first impression...So bye, it's been real!" I amused the conversation for a minute, he asks to get in. I suggest we talk somewhere else, because the parking deck says, "Private, No Parking! Unauthorized vehicles will be towed." He thinks it's late and we will be fine, but is willing to follow me to where ever. I suggest we talk somewhere else. Just talk. He goes back to his car as, I drive back down the parking deck ramp. In my mind I'm thinking we will do a little talk, before I give him the ole shove off.
He follows back on to the street. We park on the side of the street. The rain is coming down now. In like 10 minutes the night has went from peaceful to as if someone opened up the sky and decided to pour buckets of water on us. The 8 second run from his car to mine, leaves him soaked to the core. He looks like he has jumped into a swimming pool. I turn the heat on a little and turn hit the heat button on the passenger seat, heated seat option, so he can dry off. In my mind I am thinking this definitely, probably won't go anywhere, now that he is wet. Since it is still up in the air about his race. On the off chance he is white, I know in a minute I'm not going to be feeling him. Since well, when white people get rained on they sorta, give off a...well...well they give off a wet potato chip...fragrance. I don't think that's racist to say that is it? I mean I know I have white readers, so I don't think that is offensive, just my opinion. I grew up in a majority white neighborhood, and whenever it rained, well the bus to school would, well...you know what nevermind. He takes off his hat, and swings his hair back. It's very dark, not black, but a deep dark brown on the edge of black. He looks different now, now sorta light Puerto Rican or maybe Dominican, however I don't get that Latin fire. He tells me his name is Dian. I throw him one of my DL alias. He tells me how he just finished dropping off one of his friends, who was to drunk to drive home. He had been celebrating Bestie or Best Friend holiday weekend. It's a holiday, where you spend all weekend with your best friends and drink. I never heard of this weekend or celebration. Sounds like something white frat boys would come up with. He tells me though after celebrating, he didn't want to go back home. He got into a horrible argument with his girlfriend earlier that afternoon, and he wasn't ready to go home to her. She apparently lives with him. She was angry, because he didn't spend the weekend with her and consider her one of his best friends. He says something that changes the vibe in the car. He tells me, that all he wants to do right now is forget about her and her drama. Dian asks me, "Can you make me forget about her?" I look at him for a second, I don't know it was the rain that was changing me or was it, what the rain did to him. I mean the rain sorta gave him a mini makeover; now with the hat gone, his hair was wet and slicked back, his shirt was clinging to his body, for everything it had. He just looked cuter suddenly. I tell him, "All I can do is try. Where do you want me to take you?" He lets me no anywhere I want to, he looks in the back-seat and he says right here if you want. He climbs over my seat, into the back. I drive off though. about a few minutes away to a parking lot. It's empty. Two apartment buildings and an office building surround it. I pull up into a dark corner underneath some trees. I sit there for a minute and look back at him. He is laying down now, looking at me. I put on a CD, The Dream's "Love vs. Money" album. I told you guys on my last Music of the Moment Post, that I got busy to that album. I jump out of my car and get into the back seat. I wasn't thrilled that he climbed over my seat, I wasn't going to do it as well. I'm wet now too, however not as wet as him. For a minute or two we just sit there, and say nothing. I try to ease the moment, by reclining the back seats. Like I've said before I have an SUV that the back-seats recline down. The third row just folds down, but the second row reclines back. I made us a bit more comfortable. He leans back sorta diagonally, against the window. Where his head is in between the window and the seat, and his body is stretched out. Well, the first thing I do is take off those wet shoes, of his. I get up and emulate his body except on top of him. As I hover over top of him, I think about how I am going to start this, but more importantly where this is going.
As I lean in to kiss his neck. The night sky lights up. Although I'm paying attention at what is before me, I can't help but wonder in the back of my mind, where this weather is coming from. It's lighting and thundering now. However I must say it really added to the moment. If anyone saw the Katherine Heigl movie, "27 Dresses," it was very much like that car scene, when their car got stuck in the mud. Heigl and her love interest, went at it in the back-seat of their car in the thundering rain. Sexy in movies, sexy in real life. You really must try it! Anyway, I'm starting off slow, I then peel off his wet shirt. I'm doing foreplay-esque like things. He then pulls my shirt off over my head. Peeling wet clothes another must do activity. After a while of...hmm 2nd base like activity, we kick it up a notch to 3rd and 4th base activity. It's hard to say when exactly but after a while, some odd behavior started to service. Not by him though, but by me. That's right I started to do some things uncharacteristic of myself. Now in my mind, I believe we had "The Talk." I mean I have "The Talk" most of the time now. Unless I am getting with someone who isn't new to me. However I'm not positive if I had "The Talk" with Dian. I try to remember if I did, but nothing is coming to memory. The reason why I question whether or not I did, is because...well, I kissed him. I don't usually kiss guys...I usually discuss that in "The Talk," but either I did and got caught up in the moment or I didn't and still got caught up in the moment. It's rare I meet someone, that I just get the urge to want to kiss them, and this was it. I'm also foggy about who o kissed who first. I think I leaned into his face, as I was kissing on his neck, and he followed through. Either way, we went to town on the kissing front. It was very...very passionate and hot. I quickly wanted his pants off, and more peeling. Let's cut to the chase, not much longer, we both were completely naked. Yes, int he back-seat of my SUV, in the parking lot of some buildings, late at night, in the thundering and lightning rain, we were completely naked. Correction I had my socks on, and he had his tongue ring. Yep, he had a tongue ring. No other piercings and tattoos, just a tongue ring. Why is it, any other race of men other than black men, can have a tongue ring, and not instantly be summed up as gay. I didn't even realize he had a tongue ring to much later in the evening. I discovered it, with all the kissing. I really didn't get much from it, when he was going down on me. I didn't get much...as Quincy would say, life from his ring, until the kising. I must say it must do more for females, than it does for guys orally. Either that or he didn't know how to use it right on a guy. I've had other people use their tongue rings on me before, and not much extra from it. I didn't have a ring and I made him quiver, when I was down south. He was pretty good though. In fact everything was pretty good. Sensuous yet animalistic. My first impression of him being scrawny wasn't exactly the most on point observation. He wasn't scrawny, just lean and thin. He was easy to flip around, and switch things up, when needed.
There was nothing heard or said, by either of us. The only sounds was from the sound of the rain falling hard on the roof of my car, and The Dream singing about sweating out his girls hair. Speaking of hair, their was a lot of hair pulling, by me. I mean I really discovered that night I am really into hair pulling. I'm sure I have done it before, maybe even several times perhaps, but I didn't notice until that night, it was my thing. His hair wasn't super long or anything, just perhaps an inch and half or two; but I loved running my hands through his hair and pulling his head back. Things went like that, from both of us. When there was a time when he had me by my wrists tightly and stretched and pulled to the side, he locked them tight as he kissed and did things. I would counter this with doing the same, except I would pull his arms behind his back. When he did it I didn't fight too hard, when I did it he couldn't do much, but submit. Hmm...good times. When we ended up in the position, where he was straddling me, as I was sitting, back to the seat and legs open; there was nothing more I wanted to do, but be inside him. However here's the thing. I was not planning on this night turning out, like it did. I didn't bring enough protection. He didn't bring it, because he leaves it at home, for him and his girlfriend. You don't know how much I wanted to put clothes on, and head to the nearest drug store or 7-eleven. He didn't want the moment to stop. I improvised on giving him the same feeling, but it wasn't the same. He felt so good in so many other ways.
As the lightning lid up the night and flash on us every so often. We would get a sexy view of what we were doing to each other. I found his spot. It wasn't hard, because it is located behind his left ear, but I found it. Unfortunately he didn't find mine, because it is hard to locate, but I utilized his. Some may wonder how did I realize I found his spot. Well, the way his body would react, whenever I would stay on it, and not relieve up. His body would shack and twitch in my arms. Now that I think about it, he may have had one ear piercing, not sure, but I think I remember playing with it in my mouth. I didn't want to use up this new power, I had over him, but it was fun to see him react, whenever I went to the ecstasy spot. Anyway like all good things, they must come to an end. And after about over half way through our second go round of The Dream CD, I started to wind down our experience. Just him straddling me and him in my arms, with our now sticky bodies embracing. He didn't seem to want to end the night. He kept saying, "I never want to stop kissing you" I would reply, "I'm sure you will reach a point, where enough is enough." However he was definitely testing what I said, because he didn't want to give it up. "He then said something that shocked me, but in my mind those things you say, when you are in the moment. He said, "It is official, you are the best kisser I have ever had." I shrugged this comment off though, replying, "I'm sure you say that to your girlfriend too." He looked me in my eyes and said "No, I don't, I can't get enough of your lips." This was making me uncomfortable, for some reason. I changed the subject, to ask him the question that had been on my mind, all night. I asked him, "What are you?...What nationality are you?" He beginned to laugh. He revealed that he gets that all the time. He tells me, "I'm Native American...I'm an Indian." I was shocked, didn't expect that answer, but the suddenly it did make sense.I tell him, that congratulations, he was my first Indian.
This lead us into a discussion about his relationship. For over an hour and a half I was his lover, for the next 45 minutes I was Dian's therapist. He started talking about what lead him to the place that night. He told me, he had, had enough of his girlfriend, and was ready to end things. He loved her, but he was starting to very much not like her. They had been together for two years. For the past year however, she was living with him. She had an argument with her parents, and moved out, and in with him. The problem now was, that she was there all the time. He felt like he was being suffocated. At 20 years old, he felt trapped. He went to school, had two jobs, a girlfriend who was in his face from the moment he got home, because he was never at home, do to the school and two jobs. Then when he got home he had no place that was his, because of her and his roommates. He had two roommates in his three bedroom apartments, but now that she was living with them now, he had no room to call his own. He basically confided, that he was coming apart, and she wasn't helping the situation. I asked him, is that was why he got with someone else. He confirmed it. He said tonight was the straw. All he wanted was to have some fun without her, and she brought more drama into his stressful life. The one question, that was on my mind, was...Why a man though, why not another girl? He told me, that he guess old feelings never die. He hadn't been with a guy since high school. That he had been faithful to his girlfriend the whole relationship. As he was telling me this, I could see a change in him. I have seen this before. The what have I just done face, was starting to reveal ugly head. That look of finally realizing what they have just done, and guilt moving in. I try to ease his mind, and tell him, that we all need our space sometimes, a place or a time, we call our own. The counselor in me comes out. I tell him he needs to talk to her about his feelings and what he needs. If she doesn't listen or things doesn't change he needs to set out time for himself, even if she doesn't know about it. I tell him though to explain to her that you having some me time will ultimately be great for their relationship. Him having me time, would allow him to be happier, and ultimately him being a happier less stressed person, will be good for their relationship. If things continue, then they will ultimately not have a relationship, especially if he find comfort in men arms. I then basically begin to teach him how to lie to her and find me time. I told Dian to tell her that he is at work or at school, on a time, when he isn't. It won't be hard for her to believe because he is supposedly always at work or school. Then he needs to take that time to either, go to the movies by himself, goto the gym, library, Miniature golfing, anything that makes him happy, but alone. He then reveals, that in his two year relationship, he isn't sure if he could lie successfully, because he has never lied. He told me not, once has he ever lied to her, maybe not told her things, but never lied. I asked what was he planning on telling her that night, because at this point it is around 3 or 4 in the morning, the rain is still coming down. He hadn't been home or called her since their fight at like 1 that afternoon. So for over 12 hours, he hadn't checked in. I knew the truth wasn't going to cut it, especially hooking up with me. He begins to kiss me again. I pull away and tell him, he needs to get home and face the music.
We get dressed. His clothes now dry. I drive him back to his car. We say our good-byes. I don't push the subject, but I offer him my number, that if he ever wants to talk, hit me up. I then do, something I rarely ever do, but it was a strange night all around. I give him my real name. I told him sorry about the other name, but that's just how I do. He questions whether lying is my thing. I don't know how to answer that. I just shrug. He runs to his car. We both pull off. I think about it for a moment, and I get him to roll down, his window. As crazy as it may seem, I tell him to double check the number I gave him. Sometimes I'm use to giving out the wrong number. He laughs, and checks it, and we go our separate ways. It doesn't bother me, it is what it is. He had a girlfriend and I knew it, and was cool with it. On the ride home I realise how crazy the night was. I'm out in the middle of the night getting my groove on buck naked, in my car, in basically a flash flood. On my way home, on the major street going the opposite of where I was coming from, the street was washed away. About 10 cars were stuck in the water, with the water around the height of their windows. Police and firetrucks trying to rescue the cars out. My side of the street was fine. I was just thinking to myself how crazy it was and the night I had, when I should have been home in the safety of my home. However I did have fun, even if I didn't expect to hear from him. I never him from him after that night, in fact.
That is until tonight. It's raining tonight, just like that night, however it's been raining for a couple days now. I'm out on a whole other side of the city, than when I met Dian. However I'm on a one way street, and I see this white two door Honda, with the big spoiler, and I think of Dian. I look at the driver and to my surprise it's him. I drive side by side him, thinking he will glance my way. He doesn't His face never strays from looking forward. When we get to the stoplight I think it's my chance to say hay to him. He quickly looks to the side, but back forward he goes. I think to myself, he must not realize it's me. I roll down my window, and give a slight honk. He then does something that surprises me. I can see his face, even through his wet window. He rolls his eyes, and looks to me. Despite that I give him a smile, and motion for him to roll down his window. He rolls the eyes for the second time, but he begrudgingly begins to roll down the window, then he stops. He looks as if he is thinking about something, then he takes his hands and waves me off harshly and rolls what little window he had down, back up. I just look at him for a minute. I'm kind put off by this. I have never got that reaction before. I just without thinking about it, just begin to nod my head, slowly. I don't break my glare, I just roll up my window. You know what I didn't want to get back with him. I just honestly wanted to say hi and see how things were working out, in his situation. If things had gotten better with the girlfriend. To me it's common courtesy to just give a hello, to a past sexual experience. It wasn't as if he was with someone, and I wanted to blow his spot up. It's like the unwritten rule, you give acknowledgment. If it ended not so well, then when you run into that experience, you just give them eye, and nothing else. I have done that. Ran into a bad ending experience at Walmart. I just gave them the eye, and likewise, nothing more nothing less. Sometimes you give a slight nod. However when you run into a good one, then you greet them; or give them the black man chin raise, when your head nods up. He dismissed me. As I looked at him, he looked at me out the side of his eyes. I looked forward and waited for my light to turn green. It was the end of our one way street, and he was turning right and I was turning right. He took off, when the light turn green. However here is the catcher, the car behind him, slowed down. I hadn't noticed the gray Avalon, but it was another past sexual conquest. I couldn't believe it, you would think I lived in a small town or something. He then gives me the head nod and follows Dian to the next stoplight. As I turned left, I looked at the two cars in my rearview mirror. Now it could be my imagination, but as I looked at the gray Avalon follow Dian from lane to lane, and finally ending up in the same left turning lane, blocks away, it hit me. I think Gray Avalon and Dian, where heading to the same place. One past sexual conquest hooking up with another. In my mind I was glad. After Dian dissed me, he deserved gray Avalon. With his lousy in bed self. As petty as it sounds, I kept thinking about how I am so much cuter than gray Avalon, with such a better personality. It wasn't the lazy, trifling sex that turned me off from him, is was his smug attitude that did it. We hooked up twice. On the second time, he had a new car. I asked him about it, and he gave me this bs, about how he was balling, with multiple cars, and how he needed to get rid of a couple of them, for tax purposes. It was comments like that, which really turned me off. That and the fact he was really extremely lazy in the sack. He blamed it all the time on the alcohol. I sorta blame it on his size, because he was a really big guy. How hope he crushes Dian.
All the way home, I couldn't help but feel hurt. I can't explain it. I was fine with it just being an extremely hot one night sexual experience, but his attitude to night, hurt me. However that was the bad part, it was my anger. Not at Dian, but at my self. I was so angry, that I was getting upset at someone I barely knew or gave a flying flip about. No matter how much I talked to myself I couldn't let my feelings go. It felt as if, someone kicked me in the stomach. The more I tried not to be upset by this, the more I got angry, that I couldn't let it go.
Then it hit me. I started to think about it all. Tonight, the night I gave up sucking dick, that crazy ex Con, who kept calling me his girl, the married guy, who I haven't really talked about, Von and his recent bull shit, and it all from this year, and last year, so on. I realize I'm tired. I'm tired of it all. I really am. I'm all bull shit out. I mean I use to be able to take it as much as I dished it, but now I'm not dishing it out, and now I can't take it anymore. I just need a break from it all. I need space from this world. I need a break from these men. Now I'm not saying I'm going to be celibate or give up sex all together. No need to back myself into goals, I can't accomplish. All I'm saying is I need a rest from it all. I need a break. Maybe it was meant to be to hear about everyone else's long sex breaks. Maybe it's time I devoted that energy somewhere as. Time to but this area in a box for now.