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So I'm going to get into the answers to my Q&A post, starting with Sunshinestar110. She was the first question I recieved. I decided that I was going to break down my 3 questions into multiple blogs, concering each question. I will get to each one...eventually. Unlike some people, on their blogs.
Sunshine's question is:
So I have a two part question that I asked my cousin years ago his answer was interesting so I'm going to ask you the same thing...
Do you think you will ever not be on the downlow and come out to your family? or is that just not an option at all?
Do you think you will ever not be on the downlow and come out to your family? or is that just not an option at all?
Well, Sunshine to quote one of our great illustrious philosophers of our generation, Whitney Houston...Hell to the Naw.
Thank you and Good Night!
Okay, maybe I should elaborate a tiny bit more. (What if I left it just at that answer. It would officially be the shortest post I have ever done.I don't know if I have even done a comment as short as that.)
Anyway the answer is no. I really don't see that happening. I personally don't see that as an option. I get what some may say, of course it's an option. I can here them now, "Honesty is always an option, YB&DL." You know what I guess it is, but it's an option I don't feel like going down. Plain and simple. I believe I have said this before, but not sure, so I'm going to go through it again. I come from a very...I hate to use the word religious...and spiritual sounds so new age...so I'm going to say a very God fearing and church oriented...religious family. My Grandfather was a Bishop. I have an uncle whose a Bishop, one who is a pastor, one whose an elder. Cousins who are elders and ministers, one wants to be a pastor...I'm sorry "It's his calling to pastor." One is an evangelist. Most of the people in my family are involved in the church in some form or fashion. A good portion hang out with other Christians and church members. They hang out with children and kids of other Pastors and Ministers. My first words, honest to God, was Hallelujah. My earliest memories are from the church. I don't remember a time I haven't been in the church. I have had the pleasure of meeting some amazing men God and in the word, in my life. With that being said, it should not be a surprise about the fact of what most believe when it comes to homosexuality.
I'm not going to say I would loose them, if I told them that I get with guys, but I feel like I will forever be branded as the one who needs to be saved or is forever lost. To be completely honest, I'm not sure who would stop talking tome. People are constantly surprising. Some who you may not think would, will do the complete opposite. I have heard of SOME families that have done that. Anyway, I would be the one constantly hearing about the sinful life, I was living or where I was heading if I didn't change. Let's say for giggles, that I retracted that I got with men or say I was delivered form it down the road. I would still have that stain or tarnished record. They would keep a watchful eye on me for the rest of my life. Even if I got married. Here's the thing all though my family is very into the Bible and living right and christian lives, some have done some very...non christian illegal things. However at the end of the day, if I told them about me. I would seem like the biggest sinner of them all. Whatever they did would seem so meaningless compared to the abomination of me getting with men.
There has been days where I feel so angry at them or something they did, that I feel a big "F#ck you" would be to tell them. However I chicken and think about it, would it be more a "F@ck you" to them or to myself. In the end, I feel, I would end up more F%cked over, than them. Yeah, it would be easy to just live my life the way I chose, sleep with whomever, love whoever the wind blows by. I feel that's easier said than done, though.
Down the road, there might be a time, when certain people in my life suspect. Especially if I decide never to get married. Which I have been thinking about. Whatever anyone suspect, they certainly will never hear it come from my mouth. Maybe from some revengeful or scorn lover, or a person who can't mind their own business. I however will deny, deny, deny. One day though I might evolve to Discreet. For me that means living in a city where I don't really know anyone. I would be no less than 6 hours of driving time away from family and family friends. Where I'm less concern about what people will say or what people may find out. Not out and open, but just less caring. Not sure if I see that happening either though.
Like I said hell to the naw.
4 comments:
Wow, Young. I want to share this post with some Pastors and Elders so that they can know your perspective. But now, damnit, I have another question. Are you ready?
Do you think homosexuality is wrong?
Don't try to not answer this question either.
Oh, forgot my other comments.
I have this cousin, never seen him w a woman but his mom is so high/mighty/screwed up/self concious/mentally unstable, that he knew he would never come out. Our family is not really into making other family members outcasts but we suspected. He was trying to protect his mom.
Anyway, she went to go use his computer one day. They lived together so it puzzles me why she never found a need to use his computer before. I mean, she probably thought that he was just not bringing women around as a way of respecting her. She got on the computer and BAM! Dicks and asses started popping up all over the screen. Shit was funny has hell when the news was floating around the family.
Also, my father is an Elder in his religion. He once told me it was amazing to him how many of the "friends" his religion calls them, are struggling with their sexuality. I think counseling these gay people helped him to better come to terms with his gay son. He was able to get intimate perspectives from people who weren't his children. His job is/was to help these people coming to confess their sin. Not put them on blast. My brother wasn't outcast by any means, but set himself up just like your considering doing. He lives 6-8 hours away from us. His life is there. I miss him, but he did what he had to do I guess. He and my dad are cool now, but this took some time.
What ultimately to you want for yourself, and how do you think you will get there?
"Let's say for giggles, that I retracted that I got with men or say I was delivered form it down the road. I would still have that stain or tarnished record. They would keep a watchful eye on me for the rest of my life. Even if I got married. Here's the thing all though my family is very into the Bible and living right and christian lives, some have done some very...non christian illegal things. However at the end of the day, if I told them about me. I would seem like the biggest sinner of them all. Whatever they did would seem so meaningless compared to the abomination of me getting with men."
I have an associate of mine that I used to sing with who struggles with this exact thing and the "shame" of it all...
You hit the nail on the head. Once people find out about your sexuality, regardless of your deliverance, that's all they remember. You're now the gay athlete, the gay singer, the gay politician, etc.
I don't blame you at all for feeling how you feel. I always feel like as long as whatever you do doesn't hurt me directly, who am I to judge?
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