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Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Look-A-Uh Here, Old Lady!

So I didn't go into what number 13 was on my list, on the last post. I always get comment about how long my post are so I knew it would make it even longer. Anyway number 13 had something to do with number 1 on my list and number 2. Let me explain.

The other day I'm riding down the street and I can feel my cell phone vibrate. I'm driving and trying to fish my phone out of my pocket, by the time I get it, the phone stopped, and went over into my voicemail. I check my missed calls, and its this 1-888 number again. I have seen this number a few times over the past couple weeks. Not enough for me to really bother to investigate, but enough, now for me to really wonder "Who is this?" I listen to voicemail, and once again it's a message saying I have a collect phone call from the city jail. The one thing different is, during the part where the inmate is suppose to say their name; I think I here a familiar voice, but it wasn't clear, and I think they said my name instead of theirs. I have had my suspicions about who I think it is, calling me, but my gut is telling me who I know it is. The one confusing thing is, why are they calling know from jail. That's new for them. I call their cell phone, their old number and the new number they started calling me last time we spoke. Like it has been doing for a least a month, both numbers are out of service. If I really want to get down to who this is, and at least narrow down my suspicion, I need to make one more phone call. I hate calling this number, and I tried going as long as I could. Here's why...


Me: Yes, how you doing? Can I speak to Von?
Grandma: (I don't even need to ask who this is, because it's apparent, even though others live in the house, I know it's her.) Who?
Me: VON! Can I speak to Von?!

Grandma: Who is this?
Me: Y.

Grandma: Who?
Me: Y...YOUNG!

Grandma: What'cha want?
Me: (I thought I had made it clear, but apparently not) I wanted to speak to Von?

Grandma: What'cha want with him?
Me: Well, I'm a friend of his, and haven't spoken to him in minute...and well...wanted to catch up with him.
(See here is the thing...I've been through this before. She gives guys who call for Von, the third degree. Girls she gives the phone call right to him. I remember one time I called the house, and she told me he wasn't there, and hung up on me. Later that night he called me and told me he was home all day. She had been telling boys all day he wasn't there. I get it. She thinks I'm one of his hood friends. She loves him and thinks whenever a boy is calling him, they're looking to get her grandson in some street or criminal trouble. She's trying to look out for him. Here's the thing I have learned though. Von is grown. He is old enough to drive...even though he has no license. He is old enough to vote...even though he has never, and pretty sure he can't because he has a felony. He is old enough to drink...even though he has no ID, and still needs someone to buy it for him or he goes to some local corner store that sells it to him without one. Regardless he is grown, and he gets his own self into trouble, becasue...well...he is stupid...and a dumb criminal who doesn't pull off smart moves. Others don't get him in trouble...He does.)

Grandma: You ain't no friend of his. (That comment threw me for a minute, wasn't expecting it.)
Me: Well...yeah I am.

Grandma: You a Damn lie.
Me: Uh...I'm not lying...Why would I lie?

Grandma: You ain't no friend of Von...If you was a friend you would know he not here.
Me: Uh...Just because we are friends, doesn't mean I know where he is every minute, ma'am.

Grandma: If you was a friend you would know where he is!
Me: Well, that's why I'm calling to catch up with him.

Grandam: Well, friend of his...Von's in jail.
Me: (Well, that solves that mystery, but I don't act like I already suspected that) Jail?

Grandma: Yeah, jail...and you was a friend you would known that. Bye!
Me: Ma'am, hold on. How long has he been in there?

Me: Just curious...I mean I talked to him earlier this year, in January...and I just wanted to know when he got locked up.

Grandma: YOU'S A DAMN lIE!!!!

Okay, at this point, she sounds furious. I mean I can actually see her in my mind, shaking with anger as she says those words. With maybe a cane in the air, with a fist. I've actually never have met Von's Grandmother...other family members, yes, but not her. She sounds like she wants to fight me in the street now.
Me: Excuse me?

Grandmother: You..Is...A...Damn...lie! You ain't speak to no Von in January!
Me: Well, ma'am I beg your pardon, but yes I did.

Grandma: No you didn't. Von been in jail before some January, so no you didn't speak to no Von, in no January.
Me: Well, ma'am I would have to disagree. I'm not sure when in January, maybe it was around New Year or those first week or two, but I spoke to him.

Grandma: Shut the hell up! No, you didn't.
Me: (At this point I'm getting frustrated...She is an old woman and I have been nothing but courtesy...I ain't got but a few more 'Shut the hell ups' and 'You a damn lie' left in me, at this point) Okay, ma'am, maybe I'm wrong...maybe I didn't talk to him in the New Year. I guess the last time I talk to him...was...uh...Christmas.

Grandma: Who the Hell is this Damn liar on my phone? You ain't speak to no Von in no December!
Me: (Now at this point I'm the one shaking from frustration. Now mind you, I'm still driving at this point. I'm ready to pull over, to have full concentration when I handle her old butt. I get it I called her, but now we at a wills about who is right. I'm mad...I think it's the way she is saying things or how she says them.) MA'AM! I know what I'm talking about here!

Grandma: Oh, you know what you talking about, huh? And what I don't know what I'm talking about then?
Me: Well...uh no...I...not...trying...
Grandma: Oh, you saying I don't know where my own Grandson is?...You saying I don't know how long he been there?...That what you saying?
Me:'m not saying that...I'm spoke to him Christmas. That's all I'm saying.

Grandma: YOU'S DAMN LIE...You ain't speak to no Von in no January...You ain't speak to no Von in no December...And you ain't speak to no Von in no November.
Me: LOOK LADY!(Yeah, the Ma'ams where out the window at this point) I know what I'm talking about. Von, your grandson, called me the morning after Christmas. I was still in bed. He called to ask me what I was doing that day, because his grandfather, your husband, bought him a pet snake for Christmas. He wanted to know if I could come and pick him up and take him to pick it up from the breeder or whatever. I told him that if his Grandfather, Your Husband, could buy him a snake, then he could very well take him to pick it up. I said that if he couldn't then someone else in that house could. If they couldn't then he needs to do like Spike Lee says, and 'Get On the Bus.' Now I didn't image this whole conversation...It happened, and it happened in December after Christmas.
(I was so hot at this point, that I wanted to tell her off...Something like, that whenever he was locked up; when he get out to call me...I could use a good Blow Job...and he was so good at giving me head. Something that would for sure give her a coronary.
However, then I would feel guilty if something happen to her, while Von was in jail. Then if he got out he want to talk about his feelings, and Lord knows we had one excruciatingly long conversation one night, that I thought we would be getting busy, but all he wanted to do was talk about if something ever happened to his Grandmother...what would he do?...blah blah blah.So I wouldn't dare say anything liek that ot her, but I was itching.)

She remained quiet for a while. Not sure if she was debating about if she was wrong or right...Or thinking about when Von did go in. Not sure. All I know is she was letting me know either way.

Grandma: You ain't speak to no Von. Bye

She hangs up on me.

Well, regardless of how this conversation turned out. I now know, who has been calling me from jail. Here's the thing...I don't know why. Von has been in and out of jail since I met him, but never has he called me from jail. Even the time he was locked up for 4 months, for gun charges. He was looking at serious time there, but a friend of his, who was locked up to the wrap for it. They were facing like 10 years, and they added to their plea bargain, and he got out. He has been lucky, I'll tell you that. The only thing I can think of is his Grandfather and Mother are tired, and not trying to put any money on his canteen, and he thinks he will get it out of me...I don't know. He would be wrong if that's what he thinks.

However I have been wondering whether or not I should go see him. I mean he lives only 5 or 10 minutes from the jail. I could go visit him. It took me all evening after the phone call to think of his last name. I know the full first, not just the nickname but the last got me. It hit me, when I thought about when he got a ticket for possession of marijuana, while with me, and he had no ID and he had to give the cop his full name. That's right...another long story, I never wrote about, but I remembered his last name from thinking about that.

There is so many story I could write about Von...Even recent ones that are...well interesting. Maybe I should write about them...but what do you think should I go visit him?


gee said...

grandma is hilarious!

i say go visit him. why not?

Anonymous said...

Grandma is off the chain!

Do you want to visit him? If you do, go.

Ladynay said...


Jazzy said...

LMAO!!! Old people crack me up...the right even when they know damn well that they're wrong!

I'm wondering what Vern do THIS TIME. Last time I read, he had you driving all over the place to go see his baby mom (that you never even heard of) before he left town. Guess he's back in town.

Anonymous said...

u know ur going to go...
he is the love of your life


"Grandma: YOU'S A DAMN lIE!!!!"

LMAO!!!! This pist was tooo funny. Maybe because I grew up with these type of hood grannys. LOL

If its not an inconvenience to you then go visit him

ben blackman said...

Go and see Von, I think he has feelings for you and based on your stories I think you have strong feelings for that thug lover/friend. He wants you to be his support net while in jail.

Forgive grandma, with age old people think they can say what's on their mind good or bad.

RealHustla said...

Fun Nay. lolololol. You a liar!

Sure, go see what he want. But I think that if he wants money you would give it to him.

愛吃 said...

very popular to u! ........................................

That Dude Right There said...

Call me disrespectful, but I would have cursed that old woman OUT!!!!

And don't you go see that damn dude. He'll just sucker you in and have you puttin money on his commissary!!!! DON"T DO IT!!!