Wednesday, August 5, 2009
If you asked me how many married men I've been with, I'm not sure I could honestly tell you how many there has been. Don't get it twisted, now that doesn't mean there has been so many that I have lost track of, but that's just a hard question to answer. If you asked me how many do I think I have been with or how many have told me they were married, then I could answer that, however there would be two different answers to those questions.
Now I debated for a while about posting this subject. I don't I feel like it was a very touchy subject. I thought about it for a while on whether I was going to publish it. It's something, that people have strong opinions about. I'm not going to lie, I was nervous about judgement. I'm human, I not one that can brush judgement off my shoulders, like some do. Yesterday I chatted with a fellow blogger, and they told me, regardless of what people say, it's your blog and write what you will. I thought about it, and I came to a conclusion, that it's something that needs to be talked about, it's a part of the DL story, my story. However, I did rewrite the post, and I decided to break it up, into a series of sporadic post.
See here has been the thing with me, I never really think about if a guy is married of not. Not that I am not concerned about it, but more so I just never think about it. Although I have gotten better about asking a guy if he is married or not, which I use to never think to do. The answers I get, I'm not always sure if it is the truth or not. I never think to look at their ring finger to spot a ring. Not sure if that is a man thing to do. I remember the first time I really realized, that might be more of a woman thing.
I am going to do a real quick mid-post flashback. The first time I realized that was a woman thing, was with this girl I use to go to school with named Alexis. A name she was quite proud of, because it was after her mother's favorite character off of "Dynasty". Oddly enough all through her school years, she had that bad girl vibe, even in second grade. She was pretty, with long blond hair, and sparkling blue eyes, but she always had this sly, mischievous look on her face, like she was up to something. Anyway as we got older, she turned into this sort teen vixen, you know the kind that was the bases of many characters, off of night time drama, ironically like "Dynasty". She was pretty, dressed sexy, parents had a little money, and she was the first I knew of who was for sure having sex. I remember one time, when we were in the 8th grade, she broke up with her high school boyfriend, because she needed a man who, "...has stamina, and knows how to please a girl all night long and not just 5 minute man." With anyone else I would think they were bluffing, but I knew her, and she wasn't. Anyway back to why I started to even talk about her. All through middle school and high school, whenever we had either a new male teacher or male substitute, she would go into questions, like she knew him. For example, she would randomly ask if he was happily married, and ask questions about his wife...why?...because she saw his wedding ring. If he didn't have no ring, then the questions would revolve around, girlfriends...why no girl friends...what is he looking for in a girlfriend...blah blah blah. I don't know whatever happened to Alexis, I sure if she went to college, she ended up having some affair with her college professor. Anyway my point in this little far off sidetrack, is that from Alexis I got my first glimpse into it being a woman thing. Later on after I saw it in my own family. I remember one time when I was younger, hanging out with two older female cousins, and them talking about how fine some man was, and the comment was, "Too bad, he's married." Now in my mind I looked at him, and wondered, how would they possibly know that. I asked them did they know him, how did they know he was married. They casually mentioned his wedding ring. Now this man had to be several yards away from us, yet it was their instinct to look at that hand. This little sidetrack showed me that it must be a women's instinct to check for the man's wedding ring, whether or they ignore it or not depends on the woman.
However in my experience with dealing with other DL men, I have sorta picked up on a sixth sense; of whether a guy is married or not, without looking for the ring. I can't exactly put it into words, but there is this air around them or something, that just screams to me married. I don't know, but kind of a I have a wife and kids, and something to loose, aura about about them. I think it's a somewhat reserve and settled demeanor about them too. Not saying that's who they really are all the time, especially in the bedroom, but those vibes are what they put out. In my opinion, its easier to spot a Dl man who is married, that to spot a married man, who is DL. As strange as that might sound, there is a difference. Regardless of what it is, most of the time when I get that feeling, I ask them, and they tell me whether they are married or not. I so far have only asked one guy, who told me no. My gut feeling told me he was lying, but I wasn't going to argue about it. Do to this sixth sense development, I have realized, that certain past men, probably was married. In retrospect, I think about it certain men and experience, and realize that some were married and I never knew it. See like how the army has a "Don't ask, Don't tell" policy, I had a sorta "Didn't ask, They didn't tell" policy going on then. However I actually prefer now, to know exactly what it is I'm getting into.
I remember the first married man I was with. He was my first of many things I guess, you can say. Not only was he my first married man, but he was the first of three white men I have ever been with. He was, I want to say, the third guy I was ever with. There is always new construction going on in the city, and not all construction is done by local business. I learned that a long time ago. He was a construction worker and the company he worked for, was from Wisconsin. I met him one Friday night. I don't know what was up with me that night, but I was on a kinda prowl like mentality. There was a period, that I feel like I use to attack "bi-curious" men. Attack I mean ...um manipulate. I don't even think I was attracted to him, but I wanted to see if I could push him over to the other side, so to speak. He was married and his wife was 7 or 8 months pregnant with their first child. He hadn't seen her in like 2 or so months, because of the construction job. He was upfront that he had a wife, that he loved very much. Some how I used all of that in my argument in getting him to get down. That plus how getting with a guy was nothing different than being with a women...I know what y'all are thinking, but it worked. Let me say this first, I didn't make anyone do, anything they didn't want to do. I didn't force him to do anything he didn't want to do. He was a grown man, in fact he had like 10 years on me. He was enjoying it up until he climaxed. When that happened, it all changed. His face went from ecstasy to terror in seconds. The whole experience really seemed to happen so fast. He looked so guilty about what had just went down. I kept that face with me for a long time. He just had that face like he was going to confess what he did to his wife, out of guilt. That led me to feeling guilty, that my part in all of that night, might have led a man to confess some great thing, that ultimately led to the demise of a marriage and a blossoming family. Now whether that actually happen, I will never know, but I felt like that when we parted ways for the night. At that time, when I first started messing with men, I would go home and take a hot shower, as if that was going to wash away my sins and get me clean. I did the same that night, however I made a pact with myself, that if I was going to mess with men, then no married men. If I as going to commit other sins and what not, no need to add adultery to the mix.
I kept to that pact for a while...at least a couple years, well at least I think I did. I knowingly never messed around with a married man. Back to what I was saying earlier, about there being a difference between how many married men I think I have been with verses how many I have been with, that I was told were married. For all I knew I had not been with a married man until last year, when I posted about my one night stand, with that pastor. In that circumstance, I asked, and he told. However in my stance against messing around with married men, I never really asked guys, or paid attention to whether or not they were married. However I actually prefer now, to know exactly what it is I'm getting into. I don't l know what the new change in me is, on why it doesn't quite bother me as much as it use to, but all I know is it doesn't.
My whole point to this first post in this series, is that...well...I sorta was recently involved or am in involved with a married man.