Black, Down Low, & Married Series: The Married Men

If you asked me how many married men I've been with, I'm not sure I could honestly tell you how many there has been. Don't get it twisted, now that doesn't mean there has been so many that I have lost track of, but that's just a hard question to answer. If you asked me how many do I think I have been with or how many have told me they were married, then I could answer that, however there would be two different answers to those questions.

Now I debated for a while about posting this subject. I don't I feel like it was a very touchy subject. I thought about it for a while on whether I was going to publish it. It's something, that people have strong opinions about. I'm not going to lie, I was nervous about judgement. I'm human, I not one that can brush judgement off my shoulders, like some do. Yesterday I chatted with a fellow blogger, and they told me, regardless of what people say, it's your blog and write what you will. I thought about it, and I came to a conclusion, that it's something that needs to be talked about, it's a part of the DL story, my story. However, I did rewrite the post, and I decided to break it up, into a series of sporadic post.

See here has been the thing with me, I never really think about if a guy is married of not. Not that I am not concerned about it, but more so I just never think about it. Although I have gotten better about asking a guy if he is married or not, which I use to never think to do. The answers I get, I'm not always sure if it is the truth or not. I never think to look at their ring finger to spot a ring. Not sure if that is a man thing to do. I remember the first time I really realized, that might be more of a woman thing.

I am going to do a real quick mid-post flashback. The first time I realized that was a woman thing, was with this girl I use to go to school with named Alexis. A name she was quite proud of, because it was after her mother's favorite character off of "Dynasty". Oddly enough all through her school years, she had that bad girl vibe, even in second grade. She was pretty, with long blond hair, and sparkling blue eyes, but she always had this sly, mischievous look on her face, like she was up to something. Anyway as we got older, she turned into this sort teen vixen, you know the kind that was the bases of many characters, off of night time drama, ironically like "Dynasty". She was pretty, dressed sexy, parents had a little money, and she was the first I knew of who was for sure having sex. I remember one time, when we were in the 8th grade, she broke up with her high school boyfriend, because she needed a man who, "...has stamina, and knows how to please a girl all night long and not just 5 minute man." With anyone else I would think they were bluffing, but I knew her, and she wasn't. Anyway back to why I started to even talk about her. All through middle school and high school, whenever we had either a new male teacher or male substitute, she would go into questions, like she knew him. For example, she would randomly ask if he was happily married, and ask questions about his wife...why?...because she saw his wedding ring. If he didn't have no ring, then the questions would revolve around, girlfriends...why no girl friends...what is he looking for in a girlfriend...blah blah blah. I don't know whatever happened to Alexis, I sure if she went to college, she ended up having some affair with her college professor. Anyway my point in this little far off sidetrack, is that from Alexis I got my first glimpse into it being a woman thing. Later on after I saw it in my own family. I remember one time when I was younger, hanging out with two older female cousins, and them talking about how fine some man was, and the comment was, "Too bad, he's married." Now in my mind I looked at him, and wondered, how would they possibly know that. I asked them did they know him, how did they know he was married. They casually mentioned his wedding ring. Now this man had to be several yards away from us, yet it was their instinct to look at that hand. This little sidetrack showed me that it must be a women's instinct to check for the man's wedding ring, whether or they ignore it or not depends on the woman.

However in my experience with dealing with other DL men, I have sorta picked up on a sixth sense; of whether a guy is married or not, without looking for the ring. I can't exactly put it into words, but there is this air around them or something, that just screams to me married. I don't know, but kind of a I have a wife and kids, and something to loose, aura about about them. I think it's a somewhat reserve and settled demeanor about them too. Not saying that's who they really are all the time, especially in the bedroom, but those vibes are what they put out. In my opinion, its easier to spot a Dl man who is married, that to spot a married man, who is DL. As strange as that might sound, there is a difference. Regardless of what it is, most of the time when I get that feeling, I ask them, and they tell me whether they are married or not. I so far have only asked one guy, who told me no. My gut feeling told me he was lying, but I wasn't going to argue about it. Do to this sixth sense development, I have realized, that certain past men, probably was married. In retrospect, I think about it certain men and experience, and realize that some were married and I never knew it. See like how the army has a "Don't ask, Don't tell" policy, I had a sorta "Didn't ask, They didn't tell" policy going on then. However I actually prefer now, to know exactly what it is I'm getting into.

I remember the first married man I was with. He was my first of many things I guess, you can say. Not only was he my first married man, but he was the first of three white men I have ever been with. He was, I want to say, the third guy I was ever with. There is always new construction going on in the city, and not all construction is done by local business. I learned that a long time ago. He was a construction worker and the company he worked for, was from Wisconsin. I met him one Friday night. I don't know what was up with me that night, but I was on a kinda prowl like mentality. There was a period, that I feel like I use to attack "bi-curious" men. Attack I mean ...um manipulate. I don't even think I was attracted to him, but I wanted to see if I could push him over to the other side, so to speak. He was married and his wife was 7 or 8 months pregnant with their first child. He hadn't seen her in like 2 or so months, because of the construction job. He was upfront that he had a wife, that he loved very much. Some how I used all of that in my argument in getting him to get down. That plus how getting with a guy was nothing different than being with a women...I know what y'all are thinking, but it worked. Let me say this first, I didn't make anyone do, anything they didn't want to do. I didn't force him to do anything he didn't want to do. He was a grown man, in fact he had like 10 years on me. He was enjoying it up until he climaxed. When that happened, it all changed. His face went from ecstasy to terror in seconds. The whole experience really seemed to happen so fast. He looked so guilty about what had just went down. I kept that face with me for a long time. He just had that face like he was going to confess what he did to his wife, out of guilt. That led me to feeling guilty, that my part in all of that night, might have led a man to confess some great thing, that ultimately led to the demise of a marriage and a blossoming family. Now whether that actually happen, I will never know, but I felt like that when we parted ways for the night. At that time, when I first started messing with men, I would go home and take a hot shower, as if that was going to wash away my sins and get me clean. I did the same that night, however I made a pact with myself, that if I was going to mess with men, then no married men. If I as going to commit other sins and what not, no need to add adultery to the mix.

I kept to that pact for a while...at least a couple years, well at least I think I did. I knowingly never messed around with a married man. Back to what I was saying earlier, about there being a difference between how many married men I think I have been with verses how many I have been with, that I was told were married. For all I knew I had not been with a married man until last year, when I posted about my one night stand, with that pastor. In that circumstance, I asked, and he told. However in my stance against messing around with married men, I never really asked guys, or paid attention to whether or not they were married. However I actually prefer now, to know exactly what it is I'm getting into. I don't l know what the new change in me is, on why it doesn't quite bother me as much as it use to, but all I know is it doesn't.

My whole point to this first post in this series, is that...well...I sorta was recently involved or am in involved with a married man.

Living by Bread and Water Alone and a Little Advice

Okay let me ask you guys, for a little advice first. So this weekend I heard some very disturbing news about a friend of my family. Now I'm not suppose to know this, but I heard from someone close to them, who told someone close to me, that their family is taking serious advantage of them. There was a huge tragedy, that occurred to them, and their family is taking this time to get all they can get from them...in so many words, their family is robbing them blind. You would think at a time like this, their family would be coming together and doing all they can to help this person out, during what I would without a doubt say, is the roughest time of their life, but what are they doing instead, taking the biggest advantage of their vulnerability, extremely hard, and emotionally sensitive time, to get money and things from them. Now my gut reaction was to go to them and tell the family friend to stop it all. However I have been told and reminded, that I wasn't suppose to know, and that it isn't my family, so I can't say anything. I'm not suppose to know, and I understand that, but it hurts, that after all this person has to go through, their family is basically robbing and taking advantage during this time, because they feel they can, and know that even in a better time, this person would never go to them and tell them off!

Now here is my question, what do y'all think I should do leave it alone, because I'm not suppose to know, and only family would really know about what I know, and I'm not family....or go to this person and talk them...tell them, "Don't let people take advantage of you, and to take back what's yours and be strong during this time, because I know they have that strength in them!"...What do y'all think?


Okay this post was actually a lot longer this morning, but lets thank ,"ButtahflyChronicles", for blowing up my spot, and making me feel so horrible, and wrong, tha tI took the second half up my post off as soon as I read her comment.

I had not read the particular scripture she wrote before, and welll I just thought I would share, an intimate thing, that I am doing this week, but apparently I had to nip that right in the bud...Got me feeling all stupid and ig-net!!!That's alright I Love Buttafly, but I got cha...don't worry I got cha!!!

I even changed my second picture, no need for that either I say...I decided to keep the first one, becasue well, I think it still needs to be said, that Fasting Can Change Your Life!"

So I am going to just leave this part up with my advice question, then I am going to come back later this week, with my post thatI interrupted for this inspirational post that was here today....My next post "BLACK,DOWN LOW and the MARRIED MEN"...I'm sure Buttafly will have something to say on that.

Anyway I will be back with some much needed update post about the Mens in my life nad other things....So stay tuned, and pray for me and my uh will power...Love Y'all

E. Lynn Harris, You & Your Words Will Be Missed!

"Say a Little Prayer" for the Family and Love Ones of E. Lynn Harris
(June 20, 1955- July 23 2009)

Yesterday afternoon, when I was in my car, after turning off my CD player, that I had been rocking all day and turning on the radio, I happen to catch the end of Michael Baisden's show, where he was sending out his love to a fellow author and inspiration, who had died. I think my fellow bloggers, can understand my shock, when I heard it was E. Lynn Harris at age 54. I'm not sure what he died of as of yet, none of the media outlets have disclosed or are not sure of what exactly he died from. I'm not sure it really matters, what he died from, the fact is he is no longer with us. I read in one report, that his assistant said he had been having declining health issues, for a while now. For some reason, I don't want to hear what those health issues may have been. If anyone can understand that. One report really got me, and it was a CNN online report. It had interviews from other fellow authors and friends of E. Lynn Harris. Some who had started selling their books the same time, he was trying to get his self-published first novel, "Invisible Life" out. He was a pioneer in his subject matter and he was a pioneer in the self publication of his early work. Michael Baisden mentioned, how E. Lynn Harris having to self-publish his early work, is what inspired him to do the same. Many stories relate to what I have read from other bloggers, as well as to myself. What it was like the first time, they read either "Invisible life" or any of E. Lynn Harris other books.

For me it was "If This World Was Mine," that was the book that started me on the E. Lynn Harris ride. This book came along right around the time I started to get into reading novels. Now I had read before this book, but around I want to say the last of middle school years, I really started to get into books, not for school or for a book report, but into books, just for entertainment. I remember I reading this book right after reading Eric Jerome Dickey's "Milk In My Coffee," which came after Terry McMillan's "A Day Late, and a Dollar Short". To this day E. Lynn Harris' character Basil Henderson, is by far one of my favorite literary characters, I have ever read. I just love this character to death. Anyway although I enjoyed Mr. Harris book, it didn't really resonate with me, along with his other books, until my high school years. His books and subject matter is where I started to feel at home, or a real connection with. I started to discover and realize certain things about myself through his work. I remember feeling like he was writing for me. I'm not sure when it went from me reading about a couple guys who happen to be in love or have sex or live double lives, to "I think that character is me!"...but it did. If those who don't know what his subject matter has been about, it was about homosexual love, and about Down Low situations and circumstances. I think he was the first real mainstream author to talk about it and and write about it. He wrote from a place of personal experience. For E. Lynn Harris writing "Invisible Life" changed him and helped him deal with his sexuality. He even said, "When I wrote 'Invisible Life,' it had to be the first book out of me -- it helped me to deal with my own sexuality. For me, my 20s and early 30s were spent just hiding and running, because there was no one to tell me that my life had value and the way I felt was okay."

In that CNN report, they talk about what hurt him the most, which was criticism for his work. During his career some criticized him, as being just a mediocre writer, who just happened to stumble on a winning formula. He would respond, "I am not a James Baldwin," although I do find it ironic how he won the James Baldwin Award for Literary Excellence. One friend of his explained that "E. Lynn Harris wrote assessable literature for the masses". I personally don't think every writer has to be the most depth worthy or have the most intricate and over vernacular writing style, to make a point, to tell a story and to reach a reader. He was also criticized by the same community he wrote about, the black gay community. As some put it, for not accurately portraying them and the community and for some telling to much about them, I'm assuming those were the DL sub community, with that criticism. That apparently hurt Mr. Harris the most. It actually makes me feel even worse about myself, for trashing his last novel,"Basketball Jones" on this very blog, a few months ago. The same book he was on the road promoting and doing a book tour on, when he died in Los Angeles, on Thursday. However for me, I had other reasons for not liking his last book, than him telling too much about the DL community or not accurately portraying gay black men. I think for ever critic there is a cheerleader. To me on an average, his books helped me to discover and realise things about myself even more, I thank him for that.

Even after his death, I am finding things he said or wrote a inspiration or a connection to me. On one of those online report, this one coming from Black Voices Newswire; he said, "I think I've been a success because I write about things I'm passionate about and have something to say, and I think people relate to me because they know I relate to them." This had me really thinking. I am very passionate about what I write about on my blog and I have so much to say, but I don't always say it. I neglect writing about a lot of things, I think I should write about. I started my blog to talk and say the things I want to say, and yet I still don't say it all.

I really want that to change though. Anyway I want to say E. Lynn Harris We will miss you....I mean I will miss you. You just don't know what your work meant to me.

The Death of Dr. Timothy Wright and the Rebirth of Bobby Valentino

I know I have been on one of my M.I.A kicks again, but I have been really busy and my schedule has been crazy, and when I get online I haven't felt like writing. Anyway I think my schedule is going to be clearing up soon, so I decided to start with a well over due Music of the Moment from a while back. I will do another soon too, so consider this Part I. Most of this is in the past tense, as it WAS my music of the moment, for a couple months ago.

My belated condolences and prayers for the family and church congregation of Pastor Dr. Timothy Wright
(June 17, 1947-April 24, 2009)Last year about this same time. I talked about the terrible accident that Legendary Gospel singer Dr. Timothy Wright suffered in. An accident that killed his wife Betty and grandson. Well right after my last Music of the Moment, where I talked about and shared my condolences about the death of Pop Winans, Dr. Wright died. Well I want to first take the time out, to talk about Dr. Wright as well. I hate to say this, but I'm glad he is not suffering anymore. After the accident last year, he had been paralyzed, I believe from the neck down, but I could be wrong. He has been suffering ever since. He was known as the "Godfather of Gospel," and had been directing choirs for over 40 years. If you never picked up a Timothy Wright album, you are truly missing a gifted and anointed man. I don't think I have been to a church, in the last couple years who hasn't song at least once his Hurricane Katrina song, "Jesus Jesus Jesus." It has some what became a church staple in some areas. He was a very beloved man in the gospel circles, and other gospel artist. Gospel singer, Pastor John P. Kee, has even been paying his church mortgage since the accident, last year. I think everyone hoped and prayed, and assumed that he would recover from his severe injuries last year. However that wasn't in God's plan. He fought and held on as long as he could, but he is truly in a better place now. Through everything we go through, God has a purpose.

Well just this past Sunday, I read that Dr. Timothy Wright's son, David Wright, officially became pastor of Grace Tabernacle Christian Center Church of God in Christ, in Brooklyn, NY. His father appointed him pastor, before he died. David is quoted as saying he has some big shoes to filled, and without a doubt he does and they may never quite be filled. My prayers go out to him and his family and the rest of the Grace Tabernacle family.



My Album of the Moment WAS Bobby Valentino's "The Rebirth." I personally like Bobby Valentino's voice, I have liked it all the way back to his Mista days. There is this...I almost want to say smooth whinnies about the way he sings, that I really don't mind, but actually like. I liked this album, however I expected something different from him this time around. Here's the thing, usually when someone calls something "the rebirth," that usually means that they are reinventing their sound or starting fresh all over again in some way or fashion, however I did not get that message from this album, at all. Besides the fact that he left Disturbing the Peace and Def Jam, I did not get a "Rebirth" feeling. Not that I didn't like the album, of course I liked the album or it wouldn't have been my "Album of the Moment," it's just that I expected something different, than what I got. I thought with the new label, I would get a new sound from Bobby, however this sounds very much like his other albums, classic Valentino. I think with every artist you expect them to grow and mature musically, especially young artist like Bobby Valentino. Sometimes you wish for them to return to some of their originally music and style, like when they first debuted, however I have not come to that point yet with Bobby Valentino. I think he has a lot of potential and growing to do as an artist. He matured a bit in my opinion on his last album "Special Occasion," which I personally thought was a very underrated album, from his first solo album. However on "The Rebirth," in my opinion was no growth from his last album but instead had vibes of his first album, the "Bobby Valentino" album, as far as production goes.

Now with that said onto the highlights to this album. I have listened to this album several and many times over, but I got to say that I can not really see to many of these songs as album singles or radio singles for that matter. Now I know that my last statement, might sound very contradicting to this being my "Album of the Moment," but let me explain. Besides from the single "Beep" featuring Yung Joc, which I loved and it was once my "Ah That's My Jam" of the moment. I wish that they had included the remix, which I loved more featuring Ludacris, Lil' Kim, and Lil Wayne. Other than "Beep" I couldn't really picture to many other songs on this album as radio singles. Let me start with some of my favorite high points. He intros this album as usually with a song where the only words are in association with his name and album title, except this time he has help from fellow Atlanta's own and Gospel great, Dottie Peoples to help him intro the album. I will say that was a little unexpected. I wasn't quite as shocked that the gospel legend, Dottie Peoples would make an appearance on a R&B album, but more so shocked that she made an appearance just for just an intro, where she is just giving us her best church screaming and saying that "Some of y'all, thought he was out, but I'm telling you, Bobby's back...It's a brand new day!" You would think that she would be used better and on his closing song, "Give Me Your Heart," where although it is a love song ballad, he pulls from what I assume is a church background, to convey his message of enduring love for a girl. This being actually one of my favorites on the album, is him going to church on a love song to a girl about her giving him her heart.

Back to what I was saying, this album actually in my opinion is an album full of great filler songs, yet not too many I can actually see being radio singles. His second single release, the uptempo "Hands On Me," which is about him trying to say faithful, but women constantly tempting him; although decent, was a very poor choice in my opinion. I think there would have been better choices, my favorite choice would have been, "Make You the Only One." Personally I think it would have been the perfect follow up to "Beep" and the strongest radio contender, because of its catchiness and mid tempo softness, I could really image that one on the airways and a video. Other single contenders that are not necessarily my favorite songs on the albums, but I could see being strong enough to be released as singles would be either "Butterfly Tattoo" and "My Girl". I hate to say this but because they sound very much like other classics by Bobby V, like hit songs "Slow Down" and "My Angel" from his first album. Why stray from the formula that was working for him. Now for my favorites on the album. Always a favorite of mine, Bobby remakes Raphael Saadiq's "Me and You," with his new version on "Just Me and You" featuring Raphael Saadiq as background and musical accompaniment. Another hit for me was "Another Life," which is a great slow jam, fitting for any quiet-storm-midnight-love line-request like programing, which actually has thunderstorms in the background. I'm a sucker for any slow jam like that. Another hit, which was kinda odd that I was actually really feeling was "Dance the Night Away". An interlude, and not an actual full length song, but I liked the potential of this ballad and wished that he had made it, into a full 3 minute song instead. However he fills the end of the album with ballads to I guess supplement the lack of finishing that particular one. All in all I enjoyed the album. It was classic music from this artist. The only surprise I got was that it wasn't different from his other bodies of work, which makes the name "The Rebirth," almost a disappointing tease.


My "Ah that's My Jam" of the Moment, was Solange's "T.O.N.Y.", which stands for, "The Other Night, Y?" When Solange's album, "Sol-Angel and the Hadley St. Dreams," was my Album of the moment a while back, this was my joint. It's my jam of the moment, because of recent air play and the music video, which gives one of the most over the top performance of someone taking a pregnancy test I have ever seen. I just love the 60's girl group vibe of a person regretting a one night stand, with a guy named Tony. I think we have all regretting a one night stand with a guy named Tony!



My "Ah that's my Jam II" of the moment was Jamie Foxx's "Blame It" featuring T-Pain, was and is a hot song. I loved the song and I thought it was fitting to have it spotlighted as my jam especially since unfortunately it was on of the only songs I actually liked from Jamie's album....sorry but the truth. Now I personally can never really blame it on the aaaa-alcohol, but I have been saying all over the place blame it on...on something. The song Was addictive and catchy.



My "Throwback Album of Heavy Rotation," En Vogue's "Funky Divas," is one that I have never really put away for to long. However after my post about their very much promising reunion, in the En Vogue Is Back! post, I decided to pull it out it again. Now I mentioned in that post, that this album was start of my R&B collection. Back in the '93 this album was fire, and yes your boy YB&DL could appreciate it at a very young age. I knew good music when I heard it, I guess I had the ear back then. Anyway one of the reasons I love En Vogue is very apparent on this album, every single one of them can successfully pull off leading a song strongly. They all have a unique voice, that I can tell right off back who is singing, yet they cane come together a be a very unison sound, that blend harmoniously together. There is no one or two leads that lead every song. Each one them can sing and have multiple songs they lead. You just don't find that anymore, I just think that was and is rare for girl groups, you always had that stand out singer, yet I think everyone had their own favorite in En Vogue, because they all could sing.

For me personally I find this album to be timeless, by that I mean I really can't think of to many songs that you would call dated and just a song of the time, being the early 90s. I think some of the songs fit then, can fit now and fit when some of them were originally recorded, by other artist. The "Funky Divas" consisted of a few remakes, two of the from Aretha Franklin's "Sparkle" Soundtrack and one from the Beatles. A fan of both Aretha Franklin songs, I would have to say that "Giving Him Something He Can Feel," is by far one of my favorite songs on the album. The song, whether in the movie "Sparkle" or song by Dawn is still a sexy song, and the video was sexy as well. I think most of the songs on this album were hits, one right after the other, very few misses for me. However the ones I always look forward to hearing is "My Lovin'(You're Never Gonna Git It)" I love just the whole production of the song from beginning to end. I especially love the acapella breakdown and the middle portion of the song, when Maxine does her little lines, where she establishes, "I give to the needy not the greedy...hmm mmmhh that's right, see when you lockin' you loosin'....and I'm the door!" Other favorites of mine are "Give it up, Turn it Loose" and "What Is Love," probably because I liked Maxine on them. Lastly the rock infused "Free Your Mind," which is about prejudice and stereotypes. Although very different from any other song on the album, it doesn't seem like an odd fit. All in all I really love, this album and is in my top five of girl group albums.




Now I'm not going to even lie, when Hezekiah Walker divorced Monique Walker 10 years ago, I thought it would be the last time I heard from one of my favorite soloist. I mean it had been years and no music or anything about her surfaced. However one day I happened to be listening to one of Hezekiah Walker and the Love Fellowship Crusade Choir's old albums, and I happened to think about Monique. I got home and Googled her name, and to my surprise, her name came up and a new album "My Genesis," appeared. "My Genesis" is the debut gospel album, from a music veteran. For some of you is unfamiliar with the power house Monique Walker, she was one of the lead soloist of Hezekiah Walker's Love Fellowship Crusade Choir, since the late 80s and early 90s to the Family Affair album in 1999, when they split up and divorced in the following years. In the "Let's Dance" music video, from the "Family Affair" album featuring David Hollister, she is the female soloist in the video, with the strong high cheek bones. Well anyway, after the "Family Affair II" release and the "20/85 The Experience," and still nothing was heard from Monique, I thought that she had went into Ex-spouse obscurity, and the last we heard of her singing on an album release ever again. However I am glad that I was wrong, with the album "My Genesis."

She named her debut album "My Genesis," after the first book and the beginning of the bible, and this being her new beginning. That is very much the theme that was carried through this album and through her songs. From songs like "Starting All Over" and "Right Now," she sings about how its her season and her time, to shine and reap her blessings from the Lord. This album has a very anointed impact from the beginning to the end. Although establishing herself as a solo artist and her own sound, she didn't stray to far from her roots as leading a choir. Half of the album is live with a choir or heavy music grouping of some sort and the other half is studio productions. Her first single "Crazy Praise," is just that a crazy praise, and just what a live production should do, make you feel like you are there. I for a moment get caught up and can actually image myself in the church sanctuary, being apart of this service and watching her sing and lead this song. I will have to say her ex husbands influences on her is very much apparent in certain songs like "More of Your Glory," and the way she directs the different sections, is a classic Hezekiah move. On one of my favorites songs on the album "Right Now," is without has that Love Fellowship Crusade Choir vibe written all over it. In the strong beat and everything from organ and I want to say the Hezekiah Walker horn sound. I can't put my finger on what is that sound, that distinguishes the Walker sound. I think this song has my favorite lyric on the whole album, "This is my season...this is my time, I'm not conceited, but I got to get mine!" Another one is the powerful and stirring, "Tried in the Fire," which is about how you can go through the fire, through so much in your life but with God you will come out your situation as gold.

Now for some it may seem weird that she would have a song on her debut solo album, from her past when she was singing with Hezekiah and the Love Fellowship Crusade Choir, like "Second Chance." However if you ever heard the lovely Ms. Walker perform this song you would know that she couldn't have her first solo album, without this song. Although Monique was lead soloist on many LFC Choir songs; "Second Chance" was her signature song, from the "Live in New York" album. It was her "I Will Always Love You" to Whitney Houston, it was her "I Will Survive" to Gloria Gaynor, her "Lady Marmalade" to Patti Labelle, it was the song she always sings. I have seen Hezekiah sing live multiple times, some with Monique and a couple post Monique, but there was never a song that brought down the house like Monique singing "Second Chance." It was always an emotional song that touches, and gets everyone. Now this is a different rendition than the "Live from New York" album. I don't know if it was purposely sung in the middle of the song or that's when they decided to start the live recording for the album or what, but I care for it when she starts off from the beginning, but still you get the effect of the song regardless. I will have to say the live recordings got me more than the studio productions, but they were still fire too. It's just she seems to shine more and really get you with a choir behind her and the powerfulness of the choir and probably the support of the audience. The heavily produced Darkchild singles "Greatest Gift" and "Trust and Believe," definitely gave her a new and different sound, that she probably needed to establish her self as a solo artist. However I think the soft sweet ballad "We Worship You," is by far the best studio song on the album. I just love that one. All in all this is an album to me was a very personal and powerful album, about trials and tribulations, and about making it through, with the grace of God. With his help anyone can cope and see the brighter day, that God has for us all. This is without a doubt an anthem album of claiming your season and what's for you no matter what anyone says, or you go through.

The Man, Who Doesn't Understand Men!

This is one of those rare free thinking post of mine. I don't do these much. Well I do, but I don't post them. It's been a minute since I posted. I think I am sinking into old habits. I really tried to be a more frequent blogger, but I can't blame it on the a aaa aaaalcohol...I can however blame it on the la laa llaaaaziness. I have a Music of the Moment post that is over due and I have some other things I wanted to talk about. My lack of blogging unfortunately has nothing to do with lack of content to write about I always have something on my mind, however I'm not always getting it out there.

I have something on my mind right now, that I just can't keep in.

Now this is very hard for me to say, but I just don't understand....MEN!

There I said it. Y'all don't know how hard it is as a man, to say I don't understand other men. I feel stupid...confused...I feel less than a man, because I don't understand other men. I have done some...well I have done some things in my life, since having sex with other men, but not a moment have I really felt less than a man, then now that I realize I don't get my own sex.

Let me lay it on the line for you guys, when I first started getting with men, I for some reason thought it was going to be easy. They are guys, I'm a guy, we are...most of the time going to be on the same wavelength. However silly me, that's not the case at hand.

Alright let me, let you in on a little situation, the one that is bringing me to my frustration. I just literally got off the phone with the office, of well a guy, that...well...well I don't know what you would call us or what we are doing. We are just good "friends." I haven't mentioned him to you guys as of yet. I have mentioned him to a couple bloggers. Anyway he has been in and out the picture for a couple months. Right around when I was posting the Von post. Von by the way is still in the picture....well, he is and he isn't, but that's another post for another day...I will explain. Anyway back to what I was saying. So I just got off the phone with "Dude"'s office, right....and his secretary once again gave me..."He is in a meeting would you like to leave a message on his voicemail?" question again. Today I gave her a "No." Now some of you maybe asking what's wrong with that, he is at work he might be busy or in a meeting. I would be cool with that if he told me this, but he isn't telling me SQUAT!!!

He has turned me into Kerry Washington in Chris Rock's "I Think I Love My Wife." That's how I feel right now. In the movie when Chris Rock thinks that his friendship with Kerry Washington's character has gone to far and that he needs to end their friendship in his own fashion. What does Chris Rock do to address the matter, he stops taking her phone calls. No cell phone...no calls at work...no contact at all....except Chris Rock's secretary tells Kerry that Chris is busy or in a meeting, would she like to take a message. Kerry keeps calling and he keeps ignoring her calls or telling his secretary to tell her he is busy. That's how I feel right now. Like he is avoiding my calls. Now the only difference is that Kerry Washington had some idea, as to what she did, to push Chris to that point. I for that matter don't know why or what I have done....

The more I can't get in contact with him the more I want to get into contact with him to figure out, what's going on. I have tried several times since Friday to get in in touch with him. Let me explain myself...I am by no means a Bug-A-Boo. I don't call guys like that. I don't sweating guys like that, and I have my reasons I especially don't do that to him. I called him on Friday and couldn't leave a message on his cell phone. I tried on Saturday and the same thing happen, so what did I do...I called his job's voicemail to leave him a message, to call me. Monday came around and I heard nothing from him. I call yesterday morning, and she gave me he was busy. I called him again right before lunch to see if he wanted to grab a bite. I know when he goes to lunch, because we have been to lunch together. He has in fact called me on his lunch break to talk to me the whole time he was at lunch. I talked to him as I was out across town. I only left two messages yesterday, but still I got nothing in return from him.

Now I know he has done this before, not to me, but to another dude. He called me once to tell me about how this other DL dude he knows keeps blowing up his phone, and how why don't people get the message that you are not interested anymore. He went on to tell me that the dude called him 14 times and left 14 messages. I asked why didn't he just answer one of the guys calls and tell him, that he wasn't interested at all. He explained it to me, that he thought that the guy should have understood that he wasn't interested in him, because he stopped answering his calls. I explained to him that it would be better for both of them, if he just explained that he wasn't interested anymore.

Here I am on the same situation, except he is doing it to me, now! I don't understand that at all. That is such bitch like behavior. He's acting like a little Pussy. I am man enough to take whatever is the reason. I am just so unbelievably angry. Not only has he dissed me without word, but he has turned me into a calling Bug-A-Boo Nag!! I hate that.

Yesterday on the last message I told him that. I said exactly.."You are not trying to do me like ole dude and avoid my call, are you? I don't appreciate that, if that's what you are doing."

No offense, but that behavior I expect from Women. Women do the stop talking and not give you a reason why. I mean I really would understand the situation more if it was from a woman. I mean this reminds me of a friend of mine from high school. We were really close and cool. There was just one thing, when she would get mad at me, she would just stop talking to me for no reason...well her reason, but not a good reason. Now she never avoided me, she just stopped talking. I would ask her a question, and she acted as if I said nothing. If I asked her if there was a problem, she would nod no. Now it got crazy, we remained hagging out with the same people, yet she would just stop talking to me in the group. For example, we never stopped sitting at the same lunch table. In fact she would sit right across the table from me eating her pizza or turkey club and not say boo to me. She would talk to the person beside me, beside her but never to the dude across from her....me. It use to piss me off royally, because I never got to find out why I was being shut out, just like now. However I just let it go until she did. It happen a few times during high school. One time it was something stupid, like I laughed at her in front of Freshmen. It was always something stupid like that. One time I admit I was insensitive and mentioned she was acting goofy and something about maybe it was her time of the month. I asked her politely if she needed some Midol. However that led to like a two month silent treatment. Now A grown man is doing the same thing to me, however I have been completely on some grown and sexy tip with him and nothing stupid out of my mouth. Our last conversation was cool.

The last time we talked everything was cool. I just don't get guys however. For some reason I got her, I don't get him. This is not the only time I have run into guy behavior, that as a guy I don't understand. Do y'all know I was so tempted to actually buy Steve Harvey's "Think like a Man, Act like a Lady," just to see what it is that I am missing. Do you know what that makes me or says about me?...I know what it doesn't make me a man, that I need a book to try to understand another nigga. Reading a book geared to women to understadn my own sex. This is just like another straw on that pesky camel's back, that I don't get men...it's so many things.

A part of me just wants to call and leave a nasty message, but that's just not my style. I don't leave nasty messages, but I am on that level right now. This is the guy who told me, that as DL men, no matter who we lie to, we must always stay on the up and up when it comes to each other!
However what is he doing but not being up and up with me!

Not ready to be an Orphan...Part II

I know I'm late on this, but this is in dedication of Mother's Day. I had decided to finish up on a post series I started last year. The conclusion to Not ready to be an Orphan Part I, since it was about my mother. Before the series...Are We there yet,Von, I received an email from a long time reader, but non commenter, about why I start stories in post and never finish or come back with the second part. This post is not only in dedication to the female motherer bloggers I know Southern Gal, Real Hustla, and Lady Nay, eventhough I don't think she reads my blog much anymore.I have enjoyed reading about O and Poca, and Ishmeal, and Real Hustla's other little girl, that I can't remember's name at this moment. I wanted to send out a belated Happy Mother's Day. I think Belated should be my middle name. Anyway better late than never right. I also wanted to send this out to one of my quiet blog readers Baij, who wanted to know what happen to my mother, if you are still out there, here it is, just as I had started many many months ago.

It amazes me how sometimes when you are going through something, you read something, or watch something, or talk to someone, that has a story that resonates with what you are going through at that same time. Well mine happen to be an episode of Frazier rerun. i happen to be watching this rerun the night before my mother's operation. In this episode Niles has some odd luck, some weird things happen and he thinks his chances have been to good, and based off something a friend tells him, he decides to go to the doctor. Well just like my mother he thinks everything is going to check out all right, but they find something on the test and decide that Niles needs to have surgery on his heart right away. Well in the follow up episode, that came on right after it, Niles is in the hospital, had has some flashbacks about other events that happen right there in that hospital, in his life. He describes how if hospital walls could talk what would they say about you.

Well, as I walked through one of the hospital's lobbies the morning of my mother's operation. I couldn't help think about that very same thing. Although this hospital has three different lobbies and main entrance. There Is one I remember always going into. As me and my mom and her surgery day entourage head to the set of elevators for her check-in I pass some club chairs that I remember sitting in one other occasion. Although from my mom's house, there is at least 4 hospitals I can think of off the top of my head that is in a 10-15 minute radius of her house, one being an university hospital, I can truly say I only remember experience with one hospital growing up. We lived in only two different houses, growing up, and they were only 5 minutes apart really. I was still in the same school district. Anyway as I walked into this familiar surroundings. I thought about my history in this hospital. As I was saying as I walked across the marble floors that morning and passed by the different sets of club chairs, I couldn't help but think about my experiences there. I started to think...really if these hospital walls could talk...

I would think it would say to me, You again?...long time no see. My how you have grown. boy time sure does fly...

This was the hospital that little over a couple decades ago my mother was told by my father you did good. That a nurse asked her, "...That's right, you haven't seen your son yet, have you? Now let me say this I see a lot of babies but I will have to admit Mrs. Black your son is the prettiest baby in the nursery right now." See back in the 80s when women had C-section, they knocked you completely out. Not like now, where from what I understand a woman's body is just numb from the neck or chest down, and they are awake for the whole thing. I was 6 or 8 hours old, before my mother saw me...
This was the same hospital where my father told my mother, to go down to the cafeteria to get him something, when I got my tonsils taken out. He wanted to be alone with me. As soon as she left, it was business time. We did what we did best negotiated. In order for me to be discharged from the hospital, I had to drink so much liquid. At that point I had drunk nothing, because it felt like razors going down. He knew me well back then, and propositioned me. If I drunk the required amount, I could rent 5 movies of whatever I wanted. I countered with 10. In the end we settled on 8 but I had to drink more than the required, to make him look good. By the time my mother got back all liquids had been consumed for the doctors. As crazy as it sounds for a 7 year older, I believe I ended up with everyone of the Police Academy movies...
This was the same hospital, where a year later, my grandmother visiting out from out of town, said she just didn't feel good and was rushed into the emergency room. Who was taken from this world, by God, that same evening, on Mother's Day...
This was the same hospital, a couple years ago, where a nurse asked my father was he alright?...and if he needed anything, to let her know and that she was going to leave the door open just in case..." This being after I snapped after another nurse and told her, "Yes he is fine, now leave us alone, now!" My heated words about things he had done in the past and after not seeing him for quite some time, filling the hallways, and scaring nurses...
This was the same hospital where the next day I finally let my years of anger towards him go, and forgave him...
This was the same hospital where one year later, I ran in and was greeted on those same marble floors and was told to sit in those same club chairs and told that, I was 5 minutes too late, and that my father died 5 minutes ago...

The stories and history of me and this particular hospital are endless and even more detailed. Even though it's a building I can't help but think of it as an old friend who has been watching you grow up and hold all your past. As we got onto the elevators, I couldn't help but think about what else journey the two of us will experience together. How else will it play a part in my life.

We go to the 4th floor, where my mother checks in. It's about 5:30 in the morning. One of the first surgeries of the day. I didn't sleep much the night before...well not at all to be honest. Had nothing to do anxiety or nervousness. Just wasn't sleepy, for some reason. Am attractive brown skin woman at the massive desk takes her into the code access doors and tells me and the entourage to wait 15 minutes. We all were quite, my family being completely quite is...well...it isn't completely normal, that's for sure. They same lady, not sure if she is a nurse or what, she is dressed quite professional and and stylish, comes back out to tell us we can go in, for a few minutes before they start prep and anaesthesia. We head back to where she is. She is out of her clothes and has on her hospital gown and laying out in a bed, in a prep area, with her anaesthesiologist. apparently talking to him about his career...how do I know, when I walk in she has to tell me all about what exactly he does, and for me to talk to him. Always on the hunt for a career path for me, that she thinks is mom approved and that she would want for me to have and pursue. To the very end she is worried about my future. Her words are always, "You are a parent to the day you die!" We all say a family prayer. That's when I can't handle it anymore. I look down at her, as my time back there is coming to an end, and we have to leave and it really hits me then, everything that is truly about to go down. This past several days, since the cauterization, I haven't got upset or cried, or thought really much at all about it. I felt almost numb. We just took care of business. She went through were all the import paperwork and insurance policies were. We went down the to do list she put together; shutters and doors painted, driveway reglazed, extensive cleaning. She said, that out of the normal company was going to be stopping by the house while she was in the hospital, and she didn't want things looking tacky. Of course she had to throw in, that if anything happen to her, she didn't want people saying she kept a tacky house. My aunt would add, "As if anyone would think of that from you!" Through all of this time not an inch of emotion from me. However realization finally hit me in this last minute, and I couldn't take it anymore. I broke down. I don't cry as much as an adult as I use too. I especially don't like to cry in front of others. I keep it together and in until i am alone, but you gets not show out of me. However I couldn't take it anymore and just broke down,I did one of those kid cries. As I was in the arms of one of my aunts, I mouthed to her, "Don't you leave me." She gave me what felt like the weakest smile that she could muster up and mouthed back "I'll try." Then she gave me that everything is okay smile, that I learned from her. I wiped my eyes and pulled away from my aunt, and told myself to get it together. I grabbed her purse, and the bag she had all the things she wore into the hospital, and we head back to the waiting area.

Sometimes I feel like things really do happen for a reason. The current one being me not sleeping the night before. As soon as we went back into the waiting, that was on another floor, sleepiness fell on me. There was several couches and we camped out and waited during the surgery. I had gotten some New blankets from the stylish sista who escorted, when my mother check-in, before going back to another floor. The only time I woke up was when we all went to the cafeteria for breakfast. The hospital has a McDonald's in it, but I wanted something different that a biscuit or hot cakes. I ate a waffle and bacon and cheese omelet freshly prepared the chef in the cafeteria, and went back up to her floor and went back to sleep. I was up worried or having my mind think about the unknown future or certainty. Here's the thing about bypass surgery, they actually take your heart out of your body and work on it. It's actually an amazing thing, when you think about it. They take your body down to a temperature of in the 60's I believe it is, I could be wrong, but I believe that's correct, and they take your heart out of your body. They cut you open, and open up your rib cage. They take a vein out of your leg and bypass reconnect heart with the veins over the blocked arteries. While under anything can happen, either a heart attack or stroke. The heart is what gives your body life. From 6 that morning, when we left her side until about 2:30 I was under, what felt like a deep sleep, except for the time we ate breakfast and the time the moved us to a different floor, where she had been moved. I was knocked out, in a peaceful sleep. I was woken up once and told that the had incurred a slight problem and had to go back in. Other than that it felt as if I had been drugged. I feel like that was all under a Divine plan. For the last few hours it was a little worry, because of the having to go back, because there was slight leakage of some sort. Still not quite sure what that meant.

Around 3, we got the call into waiting room, and told that two members at a time could come back to the double doors, where the doctor will meet us and see her. Me and my aunt Cece were the first two. As I walked down the ICU hall, and the doctor talking about what was going on I wasn't hearing a word he was saying. I needed to see my mother. As I walked into her ICU room, I was a little taken back, at what I saw. There my mother was wrapped up like a mummy by blankets and covers, with tubes and vets coming from her to machines. They had to have her covered up like that, to keep her warm after bringing her body temperature down so far. The only thing visible was right around her face.

After different rounds of two saw her for 5 minutes, the doctor told us the best thing to do is let her rest. He told us that there wasn't anything left for us to do at the hospital, and for us to go home and rest, and come back later that evening. He gave us the number to her private ICU nurse, and that we can call anytime we like and get a check up on her from the private nurse. We left and back around 8 that night, and still she had not woke up out of the anaesthesia. The nurse told us that everyone reacts differently and has different times of coming out of it. I call back at 11 that night, and she still was out of it. The next morning around 6:30, we get a call from the ICU floor, that around 4:30 AM my mother woke up. Her account is that two men lifted her up and shook her awake. The nurse insist that they never lift patience and shake them. My mother holds on to that feeling however. We I went back to see her, that morning. She greeted me with a weak smile. Her body was still very tired. It had been thrown a lot. I smiled and talked to her for a few minutes. She then mouthed to me "I didn't leave you." I mouthed back, "No you didn't."

The last few months of last year were kinda rough and rocky on her way back to recovery. I might go into some other time. This Mother's Day, I was quite thankful to have her. That I had another one to be with her and to show her how much I love her. I know there are many who can't say that. She is one of them.This Mother's Day was a particularly hard one. Although it was many years ago, as I said above, my grandmother died on Mother's Day. This year however Mother's Day was the exact day she died in May, over a decade ago. My mother says it may get easier, but never stop missing your mother, wants they are gone.

Chris Brown, You Can't Even Hold My Baby!

Okay I was writing and working on another post, that has actually been kind of hard for me to write about, but I think perhaps is needed for me to talk about, who knows. However that post will be reschedule for this post right here. This too is also delayed. I started writing this Saturday, but things came up...blah blah blah. I wouldn't be me if I wasn't a day late and a dllar short! So here is the post from Saturday.

Okay so today I've had a busy Saturday. Did a lot of things and tried to get a lot done today. Well, during my day today, there happens to be a certain subject that keeps resurfacing its ugly face, the subject once again is the Rhianna and Chris Brown, the saga. Now actually today, when I changed my Heavy Rotation and Moments on the right side panel, I was going to change my post signature and moniker "YB&DL has got Chris Brown's Back," to something else. Now I was only planning on having it up until April 6, which was his first court appearance, but decided to keep it until the whole thing went away. Here it is May and it's still not over yet. Today though I really was planning on changing it, because I was tired of seeing it. However today I keep getting, that whole saga, back in my face. I know everybody is so over hearing this, I know I am. However, people are still hanging on to their feelings about the whole mess though, and well I guess I am too.

Let me start with earlier today, when I went to go get an oil change and tire rotation. Well in the customer lounge and waiting room I decided to read some of their monthly subscription literature. There was the usual waiting room magazine's like People, Time, Readers Digest, US Weekly, and Home and Garden. However there was a couple unusual in my opinion like Vogue, Elle, and Vibe magazine. I thought that Vogue and Elle subscriptions were a little unusual for a auto and tire shop, then again it was in a suburban area, however that didn't explain the Vibe magazines. Now I have seen Ebony and Essence in certain places, the more...uh...white known black magazines, but the Vibe in the area I was in, just threw me. I decided to pick up last weeks copy of US Weekly, with Heidi Klum and Seal on the cover. They are apparently having baby number 4. Now this is completely off the subject but I have to comment on this for a moment. Now I get they have money and whatnot and Seal...loves when Heidi is pregnant, because he met her when she was pregnant, and she has been pregnant most of their relationship and she is never more beautiful than when she is pregnant...I heard him say that in some interview once after the last baby, but 4 babies is a lot nowadays. I sure he might mean it it, but Seal is trying to ruin Heidi for any other man, if they don't work out in the future, well at least for white guys. It's official he is turning her into one of those white woman who can never go back to white guys, because she has three or more biracial children. A white guy might deal with one or two, but three or more, we might as well issue her a black card because it's a wrap for white guys. I mean here we are at baby 4 and I'm sure it's not the last one, I feel it in my bones. I mean they are not giving her uterus much break either. The ages are 5, 3, 2 and one on the way. I'm sorry I'm sure they want a girl too, but I hope to God it's another boy, because the way she has those boys hair now, I would just feel bad if they had a little girl. I mean they have those boys running around looking straight like "momma do my hair!" I mean I sure a comb has never made its way into those Freddie from A Different World mops, they have on their heads. All I am saying is can you image the poor little girl with that wild do and older sis hair looking all in place.

Anyway back to the subject at hand. Well in this copy of US Weekly, there is a poll about Chris Brown. They have a picture of Chris Brown holding a fan's white baby, since the Rihanna Grammy "situation." That's what I'm going to call it a "situation." Anyway the question they asked or polled people, was "Would you let Chris Brown hold your baby since the domestic dispute?" or something of that nature, I can't quite remember the exact words. However what I did remember was that 67% said NO! Okay are you kidding me. I don't know what I find crazier the fact that they even asked that question to people or that 67% said "Hell Naw," and I'm sure that's how they actually answered the question. Is it really at that point. People are afraid for him to hold their babies. Its not like he is going to bite and beat a baby. When I think about this poll I think about a post I read on this celebrity blog,I guess you can call it. Another blogger turned me onto this site, it's not a gossip site but a celebrity news blog. They do interviews and show pictures, anyway the Blogger wrote about how earlier this month they sent out a "Happy Birthday To Chris Brown" on Twitter, and instantly lost 10 Twitter followers. I mean it was just two years a go he was getting a personal birthday call from Micheal Jackson on MY Sweet 16 show and now he can't get a simple happy birthday from anyone anymore. He can't hold babies and can't get a "It's your birthday!" anymore...I mean people truly feel like Chris Brown is a Monster!

After reading US Weekly, I moved on to Vibe magazine. I first read last month's issue with Keisha Cole on the cover and male model spread with Tyson Beckford and a bunch of hot negros in it. I then moved onto this month's current issue with Rhianna on the cover, with the headline "Rhianna & Chris What's Love Got To Do With It?" Referring to Tina Turner's 80's hit and the name of here autobiographically movie about her abusive relationship with Ike Turner. In the article they even refer to Chris Brown as a "New-school Ike" now was it not me that wrote a couple months ago about how Chris Brown is no Ike Turner. I knew it was coming in print soon enough, with that comparison. Now even though the article was about both Rihanna and Chris Brown, they just had her on the cover, I'm guessing they were to afraid to have him on the cover also. Fear that even the mere picture of him, would cost them sales. Jet earlier this month had him gracing the cover with Rihanna and now I here they are having sales difficulties...a connection perhaps? I don't think so, but ironic nonetheless. Let me first say that this has got to be the best article I have read on the Chris Brown and Rihanna situation yet. I left reading the article thinking I have got to start reading Vibe more often.


The article had so much in it, but I will try to sum it up for you.

I love how they start the article with a 2007 interview of Chris Brown. He talks bout being young and in the spotlight...."Being Young, you always have to have a wholesome image. But I'm not perfect, no body's perfect. I'm just a regular guy. I don't try to pretend like 'Oh, I'm so nice and I'm such a God'." He then talks about his tattoos that his manger was so mad that he gets. She feels every tattoo is another album sale lost. In the 2007 interview he describes the meanings of his tattoos. One being ninjas in dark to light. It represented his life and how he was a bad child doing wrong things but trying to follow his own path to the light. That he had demons as a child that he use to fight all the time. His demons was his hatred for his mom's abusive relationships boyfriends and step father. He goes on to say, "Seeing images like that as a kid, you want to inherit what you see, so he promised himself he would never that that kind of dude...How I'm never going to be that person that lets an argument get that that I would put a woman and child in that position." Demons I guess got the best of him that night in that car. The rest of the article was just eye opening. Even the background on Rihanna, was eye opening. What got me was that Rihanna's father the man who has been so vocal in the Rihanna camp and wanting justice against Chris Brown, is a man who has been addicted to crack for 25 years and who own daughter was so happy when he left her and her mother, when she was 14.

The rest of the article is a sorta rise and fall of the two. How they met in 2005, when they both were about to be signed to Def Jam at the same time, but she got signed and his A&R person got fired a day before he was to be signed. That A&R person would become his long term manager Tina. Let me just say this. After reading this article.I even more now feel that Chris Brown and manager Tina have been hittin' it for a minute now. From the time at Def Jam to when he got signed to Jive and released his album, he live with Tina Davis. I just feel it. They were shopping for music deals and she was teaching him how to work the media. It talked about them dating to that dreadful night.

There was something that caught my attention. When they interviewed some witnesses at the club where the Grammy Party they attended that night was thrown, they gave some interesting insight. The tension between the two started earlier in the day at rehearsal. Rihanna got very upset and a fight started in the dressing room earlier that day, about Chris hugging the club manger that he knew. Chris Brown's dancer's think Rihanna is crazy and insane flips out on him whenever her super jealousy comes out. They say there is two Chris Brown's the one who come out gregarious, joking, and performing, when he is by himself and other Chris Brown that comes in with Rihanna and doesn't move doesn't look anywhere but at her, that doesn't speak to anyone but her, and that is completely terrified to look in the wrong direction or talk to the wrong person. Now add that little combination to his other pressures and you have you boiling point.

The most insight full was Chris Brown's former bodyguard and Rihanna's current bodyguard, Chris Bush. Chris Brown gave him to Rihanna, I guess he felt she needed him more, as her 24-hour a day guard. He said that Chris was under so much restraints and pressure..."It's like caging a pit-eventually he's gonna lash out.I don't blame lil' homie. Whatever allegedly took place could have been prevented a long time ago, it just so happened to be this situation. It took place only due to repressed frustration. There is so many leeches around BOTH of them."


I feel he was under so much pressure. He has to be one thing, that his manager is trying to portray. He has to be one thing for everybody pushed by his manager and one way for his girlfriends, he has parazzi after him, whenever him and Rihanna are together they have people following them with cameras, add that with her being the crazy jealous girlfriend, who probably wants to smell his dick when he comes in to see if it smells like another women...and who wants to bet she has done that at least once. The boy exploded that night! I once again feel like this is not a case of on going domestic abuse like Ike Turner, but a case of over aggression getting quite out of hand!

After reading this article to be quite honest I felt bad. By the end of the article when Chris Bush, said they were the two of the most kind hearted people who in the industry, but were just thrown into turmoil, I just wanted to hug both of them. I really do feel sorry for both Chris and Rihanna, more for Chris than Rihanna however. She seems to be moving on going to rock concert the Met Gala and whatnot, seen all over town. Chris on the other hand is being portrayed as a potential baby beating man, can't get a happy birthday nigga sitting on a bench.

Okay I'm always apparently missing a Chris Brown spotting. The other week, My cousin called me and told me he saw Chris again. He is either seeing him at the gym or at the mall. Anyway he called me as said "Oh by hte way I saw Chris Brown the other day."
"Oh yeah, what was he doing?"
"Just chillin"
"Chillin?...chillin where?"
"Chillin on a bench."
10 second pause
"What do you mean chillin on a bench?"
"I mean he was just sitting on a bench"
Another 10 second pause
"Are you telling me Chris Brown was waiting on a bus bench?"
"No he was not waiting on a bus, he was just sitting on a bench at the mall"
"You sure he wasn't waiting on a bus, things are mighty bad lately?"
"I'm sure, he was just sitting there looking sad"
"Don't people be looking sad when they were once driving a Lambo and now are sitting on a bench."
"Don't worry, I saw the blue Lambo in hte parking lot of the mall"

Now I have heard on the radio and online, that they are both going through emotional things right now. Both are taking to alcohol, to heal their wounds. Rihanna drinking Vodka like it's water...don't know how much that is true. Chris loosing 15 or 20 pounds. I don't know, but my heart goes to the both of them. People say they want to be famous and they want this and that kind of life. Sometimes you need to be careful what you wish for, because there might be strings attached.

All I know is let me run into Chris Brown he would certainly get a ear full out of me. I truly have ideas for him, to turning his life around and this situation. Let me just run into him one time on a bench. He would thank his lucky stars. That's all I have to say, that and apparently YB&DL has still got Chris Brown's Back!

I'll Be Your Diamond Boy

"I'm your Diamond Boy
The one you put the rock on
I'm your Diamond Boy
The one that you quit the game for"


If none of you recognize these revised lyrics, than I guess y'all don't check out my "Ah That's My Jam" of the Moments, at least to hear them once. This is the hook for Ryan Leslie's "Diamond Girl" with a little twist from me. It was like my Jam a few months back I believe. I don't know why but this song has been running through my head lately. It's what actually inspired this post, well sorta...at least the title anyway. To be honest what really inspired this post, is the fact that...well I just had a birthday. Not going to say when, but it was this month. I didn't post about it, like I didn't last year, because I don't like to talk about my birthday. I have my reasons. I will get to them in a minute.

Here's something funny, twice this month, I've heard from people, who find out my birthday was this month, something on the line of..."Dang...your birthday is this month, every person I've met who was born in April, have been some arrogant people" Okay how are you just going to group us all like that. You didn't think I was arrogant before you found out, did you? Well maybe they did and just ignored it. This has not been the first time I've heard the comment. However this comment is usually followed after hearing I'm an Aries. I remember this one conversation a few years ago, with some co-workers of mine. When one of them found out I was an Aries it open up this flood gate.

Co-worker 1: "You are an Aries?...Oh that makes so much sense now"
Me: "What do you mean?"
Co-worker 1: "Well when I first met you, I thought you was an uppity little negro!"
Me:"What?!"
Co-worker 1:"Yeah I was like look at this nigga acting like his shit don't stink."
Me: Mouth gaped open
Co-Worker 2: "You too...I thought I was the only one who thought that!"
Co-worker 1: Laughs "No you were not alone"
Co-Worker 2: "When I first met Young I was like...uh attitude...excuse me for breathing"
Co-Worker 1: "Won't he though?...all cold acting and chili...nigga think he cute or something... with that face of his that he makes"

Meanwhile my head is flying from one person to the other just speechless as they compare notes and memories about how cold, uppity and arrogant they first I was, as if I'm not standing right there. I have to admit I had never heard this about myself before then. Let me just say this job I first started when I was a senior in High school. Co-worker 2 was a female part timer like me and Co-Worker 1 was a full time department supervisor.

Co-Worker 2: "Yeah he was, but now that I know him, he's a sweetheart! I love him!"
Co-Worker 1: "Yeah he aight...I guess. Still acts like his shit don't stink sometimes" and Laughs

Let me just say this. I know when to turn it on and off. Sometimes it's a lot easier to turn it off than to turn the "Boy you so crazy" on. When I go onto a new job, that gets turned off quick, fast, and in a hurry. So yes I might come off quit, aloof, and distance. I think it's the dumb folk, that come onto a job, acting like they no everything, and how everybody operates. I don't I am in feel you out mode with my co-workers and I am in getting myself settle vibe. I am like that in a lot of situations, where I am not the most comfortable. now when need be I will turn the charm button on and smile and give you warm, but if not necessary, then you don't get it.

I will admit I cam be a bit bougie and uppity at times. There I said. I know me. I am not the nigga you call to keep it real...to keep it street...to keep it hood! You call me, you will get "Oh man naw I can't do the keeping it Hood tonight. But yo call me next week when you want to keep it Bougie, I got you on that, for real...aight then see you then!"

Anyway I don't really like to celebrate my birthday, because I feel its another year older and another year I haven't made it to where I'm suppose to be in my life. I remember, I believe it was 8th grade, when we had to write out out 10 or 15 year life plan and goals. My my age now I should have finished my Bachelors Summa Cum Laude, and either working up that corporate ladder or working on my Masters or MBA. I should be in a serious relationship with my college sweetheart and either married or engaged. I read at the time that most people find their spouses while in college. So I figured I would find the future Mrs. Young Black by then. In a few years I would be working on baby one, but have a new dog by now. That was the plan, and I really thought that was how it was going to play out. Look at me now. On my umteenth major, still working on getting that one done...be lucky if I graduate Thank U Summa Lawdy! Master or MBA yeah right! Not sure what I want for my career path. Not doing bad on the job front but not a career as I would say. No need to discuss that whole getting married crap, you know how that's going. The future Mrs. Young Black, yeah right! I guess I feel like I'm not fulfilling my potential. I was at city Hall a few weeks ago taking care of some business, had to file some papers, anyway I saw a friend from high school. When I saw her with her business suit and a briefcase, it made me want to go the other way. She wanted to work in the government, she was in the Model UN and other things, and guess what...she works in the government. I feel like I'm all over the place however. And another birthday rolls around and...well kinda a failure...I'm no where near my plan. I know plans change but....ehhh

Wow how did that happen? How did I go from talking about being a diamond boy to a pity party. No matter if I am where I want to be at 23 or not...I will always be a Diamond Boy! To be honest I think that fits me. I think the diamond is classic style and timeless. I think that's me...lol I can't image any other birthstone. It's simple in composition, but when the light hits it, can't nothing beat it reflection and shine. And no that's not arrogance, just calling it as I see it! A diamond means "Everlasting love"...now if that doesn't scream me then I don't know what does people. A diamond is versatile, and like me You can dress me up and you can dress me down. There is some birthstones that is either or. You really can't dress down Sapphires or Ruby, how can you dress those things down? Then take the Peridot and the Citrine, those are hard things to dress up. However every Socialite and Rapper can tell you you can dress a diamond up or down. It means strength and invincibility...I mean hello! I am like the diamond I endure in your hearts forever...forever and ever?...FOREVER!! I feel very diamond like, I feel its me!

I feel that's the only upside to being born in April. I mean the whole pollen thing is so not me. I mean if y'all could see my eyes right now, good lawd. Y'all would be like, "WOW, now were you born with red eyes or are those contacts?...and why is you crying, did your dog die?" The sunglasses get there wear out of me during the Spring for sure. I embrace the April Showers, that is me! I'm mean I'm not exactly a spring guy other than that. I love the warm rain. Any who here is my rambling post to the month of April...I was all over the place wasn't I...hmmm

I am your Diamond BOY!!!!!!
and yes my stuff don't stink...

Prayers for Pops and Soulchild vs. Slim

My Prayers Goes out to The Family of
David "Pop" Winans Sr.
(April 8, 1934 - April 8, 2009)
I would like to send out my prayers and condolences to the Winans family. This month they lost their patriarch, David "Pop" Winans Sr, at the age of 74. I always considered the Winans, as the Gospel Jacksons. I know how crazy that sounds, but every one of them can sing. I mean they are truly a legendary family. I mean every one of the can sing and is talented. It only seems like yesterday that I saw all of them in the Together We Stand Tour. Where Pop and Mom Winans along with The Winans, BeBe and Cece, Daniel, Angie And Debbie, and Winans Phase II all performed together in concert. I'm glad they were able to come together before the two major deaths in the family. It was truly an amazing and anointed concert. However that was like in 2003 actually I believe. Even though Pop was the patriarch of the family his son Ronald preceded him a few years ago. I love pops and Mom Winans. I actually remember Pop and Mom Winans first album, like from the early 90s, maybe even late 80s, I'm not sure, I just know I had to be real little. It was during the dreaded tape cassette period. I actually remember one song, from when I was real little. It was a song with them singing and reminiscing about when their children were little, and gospel music around the house. I think they had little kids or their own grad kids singing in the background. I remember them on the Stellar Awards, on the rotating stage back then too, not sure what they were singing, but I remember it. Anyway just doing a little reminiscing of my own...Pop Winans will be greatly missed, not just by his family either.



My first canidate for "Battle of the R&B Crooner" of the Moment is Musiq Soulchild's "Onmyradio." I have every single Musiq Soulchild CD's , including when he cut the Soulchild off during the "Soulstar" album period. This is classic music from Musiq. However I'm not going to lie his first single, "Radio," was a bit of a change for him, and I liked it. It was a heavy hip hop/rap beat, kinda hard up tempo sound. I think that people would be very surprised about this change for him. I liked it, I would kinda like to hear more of this from him. It had kind of a crunk sound to it. Anyway I don't really have to say what my favorite song on the album is, my previous "Ah That's My Jam" of the Moment, "Ifuleave" featuring Mary J. Blige. This goes down as one of my favorite duets for the both of them. Some other shining songs for me was "Sobeautiful" another soft and touching love song. Another song that got a lot of play from me, was "DearJohn." In this song Musiq breaks up with his girlfriend in today's new Dear John letter way, via the cell phone. I think its kinda funny, even though I'm not sure it's suppose to be. Overall the rest of the album, is kinda the classic deep and moving Neo-soul classic vibe.

VS.


My second canidate for "Battle of the R&B Crooner" of the Moment, is Slim's "Love's Crazy." My cousin was in my car, when I was playing this, and he said one funny but real thing. He said, "If this is Slim's solo album, then he must have been 112, because this sounds just like a 112 album!" The truth to it is that out of 112, Slim did have the most distinctive voice, you may not always know whether it was Q, Mike, or Daron singing solo, but you always knew when Slim's high falsetto voice, was singing. Slim's "Love's Crazy" album very much seems like an extension of an 112 album. I think personally Slim's voice distinguished 112 from other 90s R&B groups. His first solo effort, to me was a very good one. He had a nice compilation of high tempo and ballets. Some of his shining moments was his first single, "So Fly" feat. Yung Joc. and "Good Lovin" featuring Fabolous and Ryan Leslie. His duet with Faith Evans, "So Gone" was definitely a good one, I think it would have made a perfect third single, release for his album. I think my favorite would definitely been the midnight storm-esque, "Bedtime Stories," a great song to make love to. It just had that flow and sexiness. His voice never really changes from his high tempo to his slow jams, but he works both successfully.


I really don't have a winner between the two, Musiq and Slim both had decent albums. Is it the best work from either one of them?...hmm I wouldn't say that. It however is Slim's first solo effort, so I have no solo music to compare it to. However I wouldn't say this is Musiq's best work, still good music nonetheless. I will say this, I think I played Slim's album a little bit more than Musiq's.



Most people, when you mention the group Playa, don't remember them. Whenever I tell someone about Plays,I alwasy get..."Who?" Playa was a group from the mid 90's. They only put out one album, although rumors are that they recorded others. If you remember when Missy Elliot and Timberland first came out, they had their clique called the "SupaFriends." Well, that consisted of Playa, Ginuwine, Missy, Timbaland, the Late Great Aaliyah, Magoo, and Nicole Wray, they were always in the videos together and whatnot. Playa was one of the prodigy's of music, in my opinion, most talented yet unfortunate gems Jodeci's Devante Swing. Playa along with Missy, Ginuwine, and Timberland, all were developed under Devante. However they never produced any public music under him. Well, Playa's "Cheers 2 U" is for sure one of my favorite albums by a male group. I love this album. It really some up my general taste for music. It's rare that I skip any songs when I listen to this album. As much as I like this album, it's hard to name my favorites, because I like the vibe of the whole thing. I would have to say though, my truly favorite song, would have to be the collaboration, with one of my favorite artist of all time, the Late Great Aaliyah in "One Man Woman." I really love this song. Off the top of my head though "Miss Parker" featuring Miss Elliot, is definitely a good one too, a great mid-tempo song. The album self title track "Cheers 2 U" and Together would have to round it out too. I am without a doubt a fan. They really don't make boy bands like this anymore. I really wish they had put out their other albums.

Although I am a fan, and a big music head. I never put together that Stephen "Static Major" Garrett, was the Static of Lil' Wayne's "Lollipop" song, until late last year. Static Major died last year, I forget from what, but I think it was of natural causes. He was only in his early 30s too. he died young, and I don't think we truly saw his full potential and talent. I am really sadden that Static died before his solo album was released. I am looking out for it. He produced "Lollipop" and he produced and wrote several hits for Ginuwine and the late great Aaliyah, by the way, that is how I will always refer to her. Maybe now the unreleased music from Playa will be released in a tribute album.



My "Ah That's My Jam" of the Moment, Bobby Valentino's "Beep" featuring Lil' Kim, Ludacris, and Lil' Wayne, was definetely that song that had me on fire everytime, it came on the radio or I was in my car. Just makes you want to let your windows down, and crank up the volume.


My "Ah That's My Jam II" of the Moment, Jazmine Sullivan's "Lion, Tigers, and Bears," this song speaks to me on so many levels. I guess I really relate to what she is saying. I might not be scared of this and that, but I am scared of loving you. Love is very much a scary thing.

My Inspirational Music of the Moment, is Kierra Sheard's "Bold Right Here." Kiki truly continues the Clark legacy, with this CD, and does it well. All though this is like her forth CD, she hasn't lost it yet. In fact I think she is getting better. You would think that the young gospel singer would loose their message and the love of God, trying to cross markets and targets, but she doesn't do that at all. I don't think she compromises herself or her message from the Lord at all. She has praise songs and soul stirring songs all on here. Now granted on the first few songs like, "Won't hold Back," "Wave Your Banner," and "Boyfriend," you might question is it a gospel album or an R&B/Pop album based off of the beat and hooks. However you really have to listen to the words. I love "Boyfriend," which is a song about how unlike a man who wont return your message and a mans games, GOD is the best boyfriend you will ever had. How her boyfriend, GOD, is her best friend and the one she can always count and her true love. I think it's cute.

Her first single "Praise Him Now," is so Clark Familyish. I actually thought it was her mother, Karen Clark-Sheard, the first time I heard it on the radio. It is a very powerful song. Rounding out my favorite songs I would have to say "Love Like Crazy," even though it doesn't really sound like a gospel song at all. I definitely recommend this album for those who are a little nervous about traditional gospel. You can jam to this and get an inspirational message. Your jamming might turn into a shout.