My Answer to Question 1

So I'm going to get into the answers to my Q&A post, starting with Sunshinestar110. She was the first question I recieved. I decided that I was going to break down my 3 questions into multiple blogs, concering each question. I will get to each one...eventually. Unlike some people, on their blogs.

Sunshine's question is:

So I have a two part question that I asked my cousin years ago his answer was interesting so I'm going to ask you the same thing...

Do you think you will ever not be on the downlow and come out to your family? or is that just not an option at all?

Well, Sunshine to quote one of our great illustrious philosophers of our generation, Whitney Houston...Hell to the Naw.

Thank you and Good Night!


Okay, maybe I should elaborate a tiny bit more. (What if I left it just at that answer. It would officially be the shortest post I have ever done.I don't know if I have even done a comment as short as that.)

Anyway the answer is no. I really don't see that happening. I personally don't see that as an option. I get what some may say, of course it's an option. I can here them now, "Honesty is always an option, YB&DL." You know what I guess it is, but it's an option I don't feel like going down. Plain and simple. I believe I have said this before, but not sure, so I'm going to go through it again. I come from a very...I hate to use the word religious...and spiritual sounds so new age...so I'm going to say a very God fearing and church oriented...religious family. My Grandfather was a Bishop. I have an uncle whose a Bishop, one who is a pastor, one whose an elder. Cousins who are elders and ministers, one wants to be a pastor...I'm sorry "It's his calling to pastor." One is an evangelist. Most of the people in my family are involved in the church in some form or fashion. A good portion hang out with other Christians and church members. They hang out with children and kids of other Pastors and Ministers. My first words, honest to God, was Hallelujah. My earliest memories are from the church. I don't remember a time I haven't been in the church. I have had the pleasure of meeting some amazing men God and in the word, in my life. With that being said, it should not be a surprise about the fact of what most believe when it comes to homosexuality.

I'm not going to say I would loose them, if I told them that I get with guys, but I feel like I will forever be branded as the one who needs to be saved or is forever lost. To be completely honest, I'm not sure who would stop talking tome. People are constantly surprising. Some who you may not think would, will do the complete opposite. I have heard of SOME families that have done that. Anyway, I would be the one constantly hearing about the sinful life, I was living or where I was heading if I didn't change. Let's say for giggles, that I retracted that I got with men or say I was delivered form it down the road. I would still have that stain or tarnished record. They would keep a watchful eye on me for the rest of my life. Even if I got married. Here's the thing all though my family is very into the Bible and living right and christian lives, some have done some very...non christian illegal things. However at the end of the day, if I told them about me. I would seem like the biggest sinner of them all. Whatever they did would seem so meaningless compared to the abomination of me getting with men.

There has been days where I feel so angry at them or something they did, that I feel a big "F#ck you" would be to tell them. However I chicken and think about it, would it be more a "F@ck you" to them or to myself. In the end, I feel, I would end up more F%cked over, than them. Yeah, it would be easy to just live my life the way I chose, sleep with whomever, love whoever the wind blows by. I feel that's easier said than done, though.

Down the road, there might be a time, when certain people in my life suspect. Especially if I decide never to get married. Which I have been thinking about. Whatever anyone suspect, they certainly will never hear it come from my mouth. Maybe from some revengeful or scorn lover, or a person who can't mind their own business. I however will deny, deny, deny. One day though I might evolve to Discreet. For me that means living in a city where I don't really know anyone. I would be no less than 6 hours of driving time away from family and family friends. Where I'm less concern about what people will say or what people may find out. Not out and open, but just less caring. Not sure if I see that happening either though.

Like I said hell to the naw.

Living by Bread and Water Alone and a Little Advice

Okay let me ask you guys, for a little advice first. So this weekend I heard some very disturbing news about a friend of my family. Now I'm not suppose to know this, but I heard from someone close to them, who told someone close to me, that their family is taking serious advantage of them. There was a huge tragedy, that occurred to them, and their family is taking this time to get all they can get from them...in so many words, their family is robbing them blind. You would think at a time like this, their family would be coming together and doing all they can to help this person out, during what I would without a doubt say, is the roughest time of their life, but what are they doing instead, taking the biggest advantage of their vulnerability, extremely hard, and emotionally sensitive time, to get money and things from them. Now my gut reaction was to go to them and tell the family friend to stop it all. However I have been told and reminded, that I wasn't suppose to know, and that it isn't my family, so I can't say anything. I'm not suppose to know, and I understand that, but it hurts, that after all this person has to go through, their family is basically robbing and taking advantage during this time, because they feel they can, and know that even in a better time, this person would never go to them and tell them off!

Now here is my question, what do y'all think I should do leave it alone, because I'm not suppose to know, and only family would really know about what I know, and I'm not family....or go to this person and talk them...tell them, "Don't let people take advantage of you, and to take back what's yours and be strong during this time, because I know they have that strength in them!"...What do y'all think?


Okay this post was actually a lot longer this morning, but lets thank ,"ButtahflyChronicles", for blowing up my spot, and making me feel so horrible, and wrong, tha tI took the second half up my post off as soon as I read her comment.

I had not read the particular scripture she wrote before, and welll I just thought I would share, an intimate thing, that I am doing this week, but apparently I had to nip that right in the bud...Got me feeling all stupid and ig-net!!!That's alright I Love Buttafly, but I got cha...don't worry I got cha!!!

I even changed my second picture, no need for that either I say...I decided to keep the first one, becasue well, I think it still needs to be said, that Fasting Can Change Your Life!"

So I am going to just leave this part up with my advice question, then I am going to come back later this week, with my post thatI interrupted for this inspirational post that was here today....My next post "BLACK,DOWN LOW and the MARRIED MEN"...I'm sure Buttafly will have something to say on that.

Anyway I will be back with some much needed update post about the Mens in my life nad other things....So stay tuned, and pray for me and my uh will power...Love Y'all

Not ready to be an Orphan...Part II

I know I'm late on this, but this is in dedication of Mother's Day. I had decided to finish up on a post series I started last year. The conclusion to Not ready to be an Orphan Part I, since it was about my mother. Before the series...Are We there yet,Von, I received an email from a long time reader, but non commenter, about why I start stories in post and never finish or come back with the second part. This post is not only in dedication to the female motherer bloggers I know Southern Gal, Real Hustla, and Lady Nay, eventhough I don't think she reads my blog much anymore.I have enjoyed reading about O and Poca, and Ishmeal, and Real Hustla's other little girl, that I can't remember's name at this moment. I wanted to send out a belated Happy Mother's Day. I think Belated should be my middle name. Anyway better late than never right. I also wanted to send this out to one of my quiet blog readers Baij, who wanted to know what happen to my mother, if you are still out there, here it is, just as I had started many many months ago.

It amazes me how sometimes when you are going through something, you read something, or watch something, or talk to someone, that has a story that resonates with what you are going through at that same time. Well mine happen to be an episode of Frazier rerun. i happen to be watching this rerun the night before my mother's operation. In this episode Niles has some odd luck, some weird things happen and he thinks his chances have been to good, and based off something a friend tells him, he decides to go to the doctor. Well just like my mother he thinks everything is going to check out all right, but they find something on the test and decide that Niles needs to have surgery on his heart right away. Well in the follow up episode, that came on right after it, Niles is in the hospital, had has some flashbacks about other events that happen right there in that hospital, in his life. He describes how if hospital walls could talk what would they say about you.

Well, as I walked through one of the hospital's lobbies the morning of my mother's operation. I couldn't help think about that very same thing. Although this hospital has three different lobbies and main entrance. There Is one I remember always going into. As me and my mom and her surgery day entourage head to the set of elevators for her check-in I pass some club chairs that I remember sitting in one other occasion. Although from my mom's house, there is at least 4 hospitals I can think of off the top of my head that is in a 10-15 minute radius of her house, one being an university hospital, I can truly say I only remember experience with one hospital growing up. We lived in only two different houses, growing up, and they were only 5 minutes apart really. I was still in the same school district. Anyway as I walked into this familiar surroundings. I thought about my history in this hospital. As I was saying as I walked across the marble floors that morning and passed by the different sets of club chairs, I couldn't help but think about my experiences there. I started to think...really if these hospital walls could talk...

I would think it would say to me, You again?...long time no see. My how you have grown. boy time sure does fly...

This was the hospital that little over a couple decades ago my mother was told by my father you did good. That a nurse asked her, "...That's right, you haven't seen your son yet, have you? Now let me say this I see a lot of babies but I will have to admit Mrs. Black your son is the prettiest baby in the nursery right now." See back in the 80s when women had C-section, they knocked you completely out. Not like now, where from what I understand a woman's body is just numb from the neck or chest down, and they are awake for the whole thing. I was 6 or 8 hours old, before my mother saw me...
This was the same hospital where my father told my mother, to go down to the cafeteria to get him something, when I got my tonsils taken out. He wanted to be alone with me. As soon as she left, it was business time. We did what we did best negotiated. In order for me to be discharged from the hospital, I had to drink so much liquid. At that point I had drunk nothing, because it felt like razors going down. He knew me well back then, and propositioned me. If I drunk the required amount, I could rent 5 movies of whatever I wanted. I countered with 10. In the end we settled on 8 but I had to drink more than the required, to make him look good. By the time my mother got back all liquids had been consumed for the doctors. As crazy as it sounds for a 7 year older, I believe I ended up with everyone of the Police Academy movies...
This was the same hospital, where a year later, my grandmother visiting out from out of town, said she just didn't feel good and was rushed into the emergency room. Who was taken from this world, by God, that same evening, on Mother's Day...
This was the same hospital, a couple years ago, where a nurse asked my father was he alright?...and if he needed anything, to let her know and that she was going to leave the door open just in case..." This being after I snapped after another nurse and told her, "Yes he is fine, now leave us alone, now!" My heated words about things he had done in the past and after not seeing him for quite some time, filling the hallways, and scaring nurses...
This was the same hospital where the next day I finally let my years of anger towards him go, and forgave him...
This was the same hospital where one year later, I ran in and was greeted on those same marble floors and was told to sit in those same club chairs and told that, I was 5 minutes too late, and that my father died 5 minutes ago...

The stories and history of me and this particular hospital are endless and even more detailed. Even though it's a building I can't help but think of it as an old friend who has been watching you grow up and hold all your past. As we got onto the elevators, I couldn't help but think about what else journey the two of us will experience together. How else will it play a part in my life.

We go to the 4th floor, where my mother checks in. It's about 5:30 in the morning. One of the first surgeries of the day. I didn't sleep much the night before...well not at all to be honest. Had nothing to do anxiety or nervousness. Just wasn't sleepy, for some reason. Am attractive brown skin woman at the massive desk takes her into the code access doors and tells me and the entourage to wait 15 minutes. We all were quite, my family being completely quite is...well...it isn't completely normal, that's for sure. They same lady, not sure if she is a nurse or what, she is dressed quite professional and and stylish, comes back out to tell us we can go in, for a few minutes before they start prep and anaesthesia. We head back to where she is. She is out of her clothes and has on her hospital gown and laying out in a bed, in a prep area, with her anaesthesiologist. apparently talking to him about his career...how do I know, when I walk in she has to tell me all about what exactly he does, and for me to talk to him. Always on the hunt for a career path for me, that she thinks is mom approved and that she would want for me to have and pursue. To the very end she is worried about my future. Her words are always, "You are a parent to the day you die!" We all say a family prayer. That's when I can't handle it anymore. I look down at her, as my time back there is coming to an end, and we have to leave and it really hits me then, everything that is truly about to go down. This past several days, since the cauterization, I haven't got upset or cried, or thought really much at all about it. I felt almost numb. We just took care of business. She went through were all the import paperwork and insurance policies were. We went down the to do list she put together; shutters and doors painted, driveway reglazed, extensive cleaning. She said, that out of the normal company was going to be stopping by the house while she was in the hospital, and she didn't want things looking tacky. Of course she had to throw in, that if anything happen to her, she didn't want people saying she kept a tacky house. My aunt would add, "As if anyone would think of that from you!" Through all of this time not an inch of emotion from me. However realization finally hit me in this last minute, and I couldn't take it anymore. I broke down. I don't cry as much as an adult as I use too. I especially don't like to cry in front of others. I keep it together and in until i am alone, but you gets not show out of me. However I couldn't take it anymore and just broke down,I did one of those kid cries. As I was in the arms of one of my aunts, I mouthed to her, "Don't you leave me." She gave me what felt like the weakest smile that she could muster up and mouthed back "I'll try." Then she gave me that everything is okay smile, that I learned from her. I wiped my eyes and pulled away from my aunt, and told myself to get it together. I grabbed her purse, and the bag she had all the things she wore into the hospital, and we head back to the waiting area.

Sometimes I feel like things really do happen for a reason. The current one being me not sleeping the night before. As soon as we went back into the waiting, that was on another floor, sleepiness fell on me. There was several couches and we camped out and waited during the surgery. I had gotten some New blankets from the stylish sista who escorted, when my mother check-in, before going back to another floor. The only time I woke up was when we all went to the cafeteria for breakfast. The hospital has a McDonald's in it, but I wanted something different that a biscuit or hot cakes. I ate a waffle and bacon and cheese omelet freshly prepared the chef in the cafeteria, and went back up to her floor and went back to sleep. I was up worried or having my mind think about the unknown future or certainty. Here's the thing about bypass surgery, they actually take your heart out of your body and work on it. It's actually an amazing thing, when you think about it. They take your body down to a temperature of in the 60's I believe it is, I could be wrong, but I believe that's correct, and they take your heart out of your body. They cut you open, and open up your rib cage. They take a vein out of your leg and bypass reconnect heart with the veins over the blocked arteries. While under anything can happen, either a heart attack or stroke. The heart is what gives your body life. From 6 that morning, when we left her side until about 2:30 I was under, what felt like a deep sleep, except for the time we ate breakfast and the time the moved us to a different floor, where she had been moved. I was knocked out, in a peaceful sleep. I was woken up once and told that the had incurred a slight problem and had to go back in. Other than that it felt as if I had been drugged. I feel like that was all under a Divine plan. For the last few hours it was a little worry, because of the having to go back, because there was slight leakage of some sort. Still not quite sure what that meant.

Around 3, we got the call into waiting room, and told that two members at a time could come back to the double doors, where the doctor will meet us and see her. Me and my aunt Cece were the first two. As I walked down the ICU hall, and the doctor talking about what was going on I wasn't hearing a word he was saying. I needed to see my mother. As I walked into her ICU room, I was a little taken back, at what I saw. There my mother was wrapped up like a mummy by blankets and covers, with tubes and vets coming from her to machines. They had to have her covered up like that, to keep her warm after bringing her body temperature down so far. The only thing visible was right around her face.

After different rounds of two saw her for 5 minutes, the doctor told us the best thing to do is let her rest. He told us that there wasn't anything left for us to do at the hospital, and for us to go home and rest, and come back later that evening. He gave us the number to her private ICU nurse, and that we can call anytime we like and get a check up on her from the private nurse. We left and back around 8 that night, and still she had not woke up out of the anaesthesia. The nurse told us that everyone reacts differently and has different times of coming out of it. I call back at 11 that night, and she still was out of it. The next morning around 6:30, we get a call from the ICU floor, that around 4:30 AM my mother woke up. Her account is that two men lifted her up and shook her awake. The nurse insist that they never lift patience and shake them. My mother holds on to that feeling however. We I went back to see her, that morning. She greeted me with a weak smile. Her body was still very tired. It had been thrown a lot. I smiled and talked to her for a few minutes. She then mouthed to me "I didn't leave you." I mouthed back, "No you didn't."

The last few months of last year were kinda rough and rocky on her way back to recovery. I might go into some other time. This Mother's Day, I was quite thankful to have her. That I had another one to be with her and to show her how much I love her. I know there are many who can't say that. She is one of them.This Mother's Day was a particularly hard one. Although it was many years ago, as I said above, my grandmother died on Mother's Day. This year however Mother's Day was the exact day she died in May, over a decade ago. My mother says it may get easier, but never stop missing your mother, wants they are gone.

Not ready to be an Orphan...Part I

I can't believe the words that are coming out of his mouth. "She has three blockages, one 70%, one being 80% , and one being 90%, we are most likely looking at having to operate".... I can't believe that just a few minutes ago I was laughing and making jokes and now, I'm hearing words, that could shatter my world.

Let me start at the beginning... so a couple of weeks ago, my mother feels this sharp tingly feeling flow for a minute down her neck for a minute. Most wouldn't give it another thought, if that was the only time, and never happened again, even she had thought this. However there was something about this feeling, that made her nervous, and she felt that she needed to get it checked out. She went in for a physical, where they didn't find anything unusual, but they thought she needed more test. Those test is what led to the ultimately cardiac catherization test. This is a procedure, where they go through your upper leg pelvic region, and I believe shoot ink through your veins or something like that to check your arteries and check blockage and heart valves. It's an out patient procedure, where the patients is awake the whole time, and done by a cardiologist. It's only like 45 mins long, but takes like 4 hours to recover to be able to leave.

She is suppose to have someone there the whole time and to take her home, because she can't drive after the procedure. So me and one of my aunts go, and a family friend comes for support. We sit in the waiting room for a little while, and me and the family friend go down to the cafeteria, until she gets out, to grab something to drink, and see what they have to eat. We don't eat anything, grab our drinks, and I suggest, we run up to the maternity floor and check out the babies. I don't have much experience with the maternity floor, but I imagined it being like on television and busy nurse desk and men rushing their women to the desk, with comments, like "Her contractions are 3 mins apart", or something like that. Nurses rushing the pregnant women to delivery rooms, and stuff like that. However, that is not what I got, that maternity ward was so quite and dull, nothing like I thought it would be.I mean it wasn't like it was some small hospital in the middle of the sticks, kinda of the opposite. There is only one family in the waiting room watching "The View", waiting for their known mother to be, to deliver, and then there is only one nurse at the nurse desk, at a computer, looking like she is checking her email or Myspace page instead of anything to do with pregnant women, I bet. We go to the nursery, and I'm expected all the babies in the window, with name tags like "Baby Girl Jones", "Baby Boy Newman", but what I got was a nursery, with a black curtain drawn, and a sign saying,"Shhhh...please be considerate, babies are sleeping, even they need to get their sleep". I take a peek through the side of the curtain, that really gave me a good look, and I don't see any babies, but one, that was in an incubator. I go to the nurse desk, and ask her "Why are y'all perpetrating, like y'all have babies, when there isn't, and with some sign acting like there is, but they are sleep?" She tells me something about they are with they mommas. I was like why not just say that, what's up with the big cover up. As we get on the elevator we are laughing about the whole experience.


When we are back to the floor, that my mother is on, we see my aunt isn't in the waiting room anymore, so we go to the recovery room, my mother is suppose to be after the procedure, and as we are coming in, my aunt is leaving. The minute she sees us, she starts to cry, she wasn't crying until she saw us. See this aunt has the unbelievable talent to cry in 0 to 180, in a drop of a dime. She says she can't handle this. I rush pass her, to see what is going on. The doctor is their talking to my mother, he introduces himself to me, and he proceeds, to explain to me that my mother has three blocked arteries. As he is explaining the percentages blocked, it almost feels like a surreal moment. It was like not my mother...I just knew without that they were not going to find anything...I can't be hearing him correctly...Oh my god, I'm not ready to be an orphan.As he continues to talk, I just look at her lying there quietly, she hadn't said anything since we came in and she introduced me to the doctor. She just looks back at me, no more words exchanged. The family friend ask him, "So what do we do about this?" He then explains that we have three options. The first, is to do nothing, which he feels is not in the best interest, but it is still an option...Next!... Option two, is that they could but stints in...I can't remember exactly what he said they do, but I do remember that he said one of her blockages, the 90% one, was located in an area, where they wouldn't be able to put a stint in...Okay next...Option three, to have a Triple bypass surgery. They will open her up, take veins from her leg, and use them to reconfigure her heart, and take the veins and bypass over the blockages literally.

"It has a greater risk than the first two options, but it has a greatest reward too", is how the doctor explained it. However, those same thoughts kept running through my mind...I'm not ready to be an orphan! I heard someone tell my mother years ago, when my grandmother died, that no matter what age you are, once your parents die, you are technically an orphan, whether you are 5 or 55 you are technically an orphan. I don't know what it was about that moment, that made me remember that. It was at that moment, I truly realized, how much growing,I still had to do, and I wasn't ready for her to leave my life now. After about 5 minutes, of theses thoughts and feelings, I knew it was times to bring them into check. I don't know how my face looked, but I knew I had to reel my thoughts in...I kept telling myself she will be fine...I'm not ready for her to go, and God knows it, he knows he can't leave me alone with my family... and she just retired a year and half ago...she can't die after just retiring, she is suppose to get a few more years of relaxation and comfort...She will be fine, she has to be. I hadn't said anything this whole time, but I know it's showtime. I through on a warm smile, the best I can and I keep it together. She does the exact same thing, both of us trying to protect the other, both trying to be strong for the other. I tell her I'm going to go check on my Aunt Ina. I go out to the waiting room and I see that she is still crying, but on some strange woman's arms. I ask her, "Whose is this?" She stops crying for a moment, she looks at me and then at the woman and says "I don't know" Then starts crying again, the woman's arms wrapped around her shoulder's and gently patting her. Irritated now, I'm thinking to myself, we just can't take you anywhere, can we?

Not to long later, my other aunt calls, to see how things went. I answer it and tell her, what I had just learned. She ask me what is ruckus in the background, I tell her that it's her sister crying like a baby, she just sighs, and I can feel her eyes rolling over the phone, but she doesn't say anything, that's my Aunt CeCe's style, there is a time and place for true comments. She asks me am I crying too, I tell her no, and she says good, someone should be strong and have some sense at this time, for my mother. I get off the phone with her and now my Aunt Ina, is crying and on the shoulder with the family friend. As I sit on the window seal and look down at the busyness of the lobby, I hear my Aunt Ina, crying and going on to the family friend about how first her brother and now my mother she can't handle all that is going on in our family right now. The family friend said "But his surgery was two years ago, he's good now, right?" I turn my head to see was exactly she will say. Just as the tears started they stop. She looks at me and I look back at her, nothing said, but we both know that we are thinking the same thing. Yes my uncle did have this same surgery, but this is the same surgery that he needed the pain pills, which led to the relapse of a 15 year drug recovery. Yes... the same uncle from the journey post I wrote about a couple months ago. She looks at me and tells her, "You're right, he's fine now." Keeping the real truth where it belongs for the time being.

A hour or so, into the recovery time, I'm out in the waiting room, with the family friend. I've been in my own little world since the news. They are in a deep conversation, with a young woman also in the waiting room. She is waiting to take her catherization test. Turns out that two months ago this woman had three stints put in after she had two heart attacks. She had been walking around after having two heart attacks, but thinking she had just the flu. At 37 she was rushed to the emergency room after passing out at work, that's when the realized she had had heart attacks that week and didn't even know it. She was there with her older brother. I really didn't pay much attention to him, until he mentions how the smell of ammonia was still on his hands. The hands...that's what I noticed first about him. These thick long vein red hands. Then I noticed the rest when he got up and went to the bathroom down the hall to wash them. Sexy red bone man about in his early 40, the edges of a man, that was definitely rough. When he returns I really notice him. I can tell that in his younger years he was definitely a hottie, but even in his early 40s he has this cute child like sexiness. However I shrug off those thoughts and go back to thinking about things I know, we are going to have to do, before the surgery. I know my mother and I know she has her to do list already.

When the family friend leaves, because of an appointment, she has, I then begin to talk to the sister of sexy red bone. Well I should say, she was talking to me. Her brother was in grossed in a episode of Jerry Springer. I thought people was over that show, in the late 90s. She is telling me how, she is ready to get back to work and whatnot, and hope, everything is okay now. How a couple of their siblings has had health problems like this already. Apparently the really two healthy ones is the brother beside her and the 400 pound brother, who even though is rather large, is quite healthy...um okay. I ask sexy red bone, that even though he doesn't have any symptoms, since it's obviously running in their family, is he going to get checked out. He says, no because he has always been small, and that he eats well do to time he spent away...code for this nigga been to prison. I tell him that being small has nothing to do with it, his sister is small, big booty, but actually a small build woman. When his sister goes in for her procedure, his bounces to go get something to eat.

Me and my aunt alternate being company in my moms recover, she is only allowed one person at a time in her recovery room. When I'm in there, just like I expected she is running down the to do list before she goes into the surgery. "We got to get on the ball for the annual fall upkeep, have to call Kenny(our painter for years) to come out and paint the shutter and doors, than my new room hasn't been painted yet...then we have to call Phil to aerate the yard and seed and fertilized before it gets any later in the year... I want the driveway to be sealed.." I mention how she did that in February, and she says, she wants it shinning, for when guest come and visit her in her recovery. I leave it at that. "... I need to call the furniture store when we get home and tell them to cancel the order for the chair I just bought, I guess it's a good thing I refinished that room upstairs, I'm going to need it now, not going to be doing to much going up and down the stairs for a while. You are going to have to take care of everything..."

45 mins later I'm back in the waiting room, when sexy red bone returns...damn this nigga is hot. He has a bag full of chips and soda and cookies. I mention how I thought he was going out for lunch, not snack time. He mentions how, he wanted some McDonald's, but he had been driving around the area, and couldn't find one, and how he didn't want to drive away to far, because technically he wasn't suppose to leave anyway. I mention that there is a McDonald's, in the area, that was actually quite close, is ask where, I say down stairs on the first floor. He looks at me crazy, and I tell him that the hospital has its own McDonald's as well as a cafeteria. We talk some more, now about Maury, now that that it's on. He mentions how he knows someone who was on Maury about being some girl's baby daddy. I ask who...he says, his former cell mate, he "Was Not the father" by the way. Bingo though,I knew he had been to prison. I ask for drugs, I can be bold like that at times. He says yeah once for drugs distribution, and the other for assault. All together he was in jail for I believe 8 or 9 years. in my mind, I'm thinking... My experience has told me that guys who have been to prison for more than five years, have a high chance of a past of getting down with other guys. I ask him a couple questions about prison, the fact that he is 40 and no kids or a current wife, is divorced though...lmao...I mean I was fishing for a clue that he has gotten with a guy before.

I got up to go to the bathroom, and that's when I noticed that sexy red bone had given me a semi hard on.Hoping he is so engrossed in Maury he doesn't notice through my polyester long gym pants, that I was wearing, but I think he did. Anyway, I return and after adjusting and well...getting myself back down. I don't remember exactly but we got on the topic about life. Perhaps us being in a hospital..anyway, we are more specifically talking about types of people in life, and how they live them. I think it stemmed from one of my questions about prison. Either way he started talking about how you have people who live on the rails and those who live in their shell. Tis post is already a couple paragraphs past too long, so let me try to sum this up nice a sweet. Because of the way he was raise poor, with a single mother, and quite a few siblings, he had to grow up fast, and learned to live life on the edge, i.e. selling drugs and etc. The etc. is what I was interested in. Blah blah... he makes the statement that he can tell I am a "Shell" person. He continues that I am the type of person that take be cause to really way the pros and cons of things. That I just don't do things, I think about them greatly...that I worry about the right thing first instead of just doing things...that I worry about what people will say...worry about the repercussions of the situation first, before anything else. All I can say, is that "What makes you so sure, you got me pinned?" Meanwhile I'm thinking Dang, is that me? Am I a Shell person. He then starts to question me like I was doing to him earlier, about what makes me not a "shell" person. It's as if he is testing me. I want so badly to ask him to meet me in the bathroom, and just do some crazy as things. It was as if he knew that's what I wanted too and he wanted to prove he was right. He then says,"Face it you are are one of those people who doesn't worry about what makes you happy, but about making the right decision, and what people will think or what will happen if you make the wrong decision. I do what I want, and don't give a damn what some one says about it.I done almaost everything imaginable, I don't put all my businessout there, but I don't care what someone is going to think or say either. It was as if he was reading my mind, because I was struggling with myself, in making a move or not. I kept thinking, I've never been that bold with some guy, that I didn't know for sure got down...well at least not during day hours. Then there was the whole my mother, and what was going on with her, this was inappropriate what I was thinking or what I wanted to do, but then again sex does make me feel better. Then there was the fact that my family was just in the next room, what if he didn't get down and the assault part of him comes out...what if even though though it was a very quite men's bathroom, I mean I think we were the only men who had used it, in all these hours...what if we got caught, and my family got whiff of it. I can't let my secret out like that. I can't be careless this close to home. This debate was just going through my mind. As I got quite he leans back with a slight smirk, as if he knew what I was thinking and that he was right. My leg is bouncing hard. I want to prove him wrong, although he is right...His eyes go back to the T.V...I think to myself Oh screw it, I'm going for it!...Right then like on cue or something the nurse comes out and calls him in, his sister is out of her procedure. He gets up and I'm left in my shell.

A little while later it is time for us to take my mother home. On to another obstacle...