Diary of a Mad Black Down Low Man

I know that title seems so played out now...well the first few lines I mean. It seems that ever since Tyler Perry's movie, there has been more movies, blogs, websites, books with the same beginning name. However he wasn't the first. There is Jodeci's "Diary of a Mad Band." Before then there was a movie called, "Diary of a Madman," and another movie called "Diary of a Mad Housewife." So Mr Perry doesn't hold the exclusive rights to talking about someone mad, going mad or being mad.

I decided to change up my blog a little bit. I'm not sure if I am going to stick with this set up and design, but I felt it to be fitting especially now, while I feel I'm going through, what feels like a change in myself. I'm still YB&DL but lately I feel like...I guess a madman. I feel like I don't recognise myself anymore, or at least the person I have become.

I'm scared. I'm scared of the man I am, and scared of the man I'm becoming. Sometime I really don't recognise myself or at least don't get the man looking back before me in the mirror. I really have been feeling the last few months or so, that it's time to put this blog down to rest. I feel like all my blog friends, have left me. It doesn't feel the same way anymore. However the way I have been feeling about me and things going on with myself and even with other DL men, has made me think, maybe I have a few more thoughts to put out there in the world, regardless of whose reading or who I'm reading. It's not about anyone else at the end of the day, it's about me and my feelings(I'm talking about this blog and me continuing it). My blog is like a relationship. I may not have those excited feelings about it, Like I did in the beginning, but to get it going you have to respect what's there when the newness wears off. If that makes any since.

To be honest I have always felt or seen my blog as a diary or chronicle of certain things in my life. There has been things I have truly forgotten about, but read an old post and been freshened on an incident or occasion, I had completely let slip my mind. The only difference now, is that now I have decided to temporarily rename my blog "Diary of a Mad Black Down Low Man."

Basicall,y I feel like I'm going mad. There's a lot that has went on this year or two, that I haven't necessarily mentioned to you guys. However the these things I feel have contributed to me going "mad." Then there are the little things, that take me so out of myself, I have to wonder..."Who is this person?" The anger the frustration of life...of others...of being me...Sexuality and all.

I think this is where I'm going to leave off for now. I will continue later.

Cleaning Out My Closet

Update: I just realized thatmy first two paragraphs I wrote dissapeared. I don't know where my original first two paragraphs went, but this is is something about what I remember.

So lately I have been on a personally cleaning of my closet...no not that closet. The sexual closet is still closed up, bolted, and locked the hell up with a security system where you need a voice activator, a thumb print, and a blow job security pass. No, I have been cleaning out my personal clothing closet. That's not my closet above, but I wouldn't mind having a closet to look just like that, you know except for the leopard skin rug...I mean yikes, and that's a man's closet too. I bet Usher has a leopard skin rug in his closet, for some reason. I've been in a sort of early spring cleaning mood. Well, actually because of all the snowy weekends, we've had this year, may have more to do with me doing a lot of this cleaning and organizing. Just getting a lot of things straight and organized. My clothes, books, Cds, mail, junk everything. I once heard, if you get your outside organize and in order, other things in your life will fall into place and eventually the same will work itself out on the inside. So it's like a step into getting the chaos inside of me organized, my getting the chaos around me in order and in place.

Any who the blog closet...
I have been cleaning out my blog closet. I had so many blogs I've bookmarked over the years. I decided to clean them out. I had blogs that I haven't visited since I first started blogging. I decided to give them a reexamination, based of what they are writing now, and well some got the ole' heave ho! Like 10 blogs I made a special folder for them, the "Delinquent File." It's for those who haven't written a post in months, some close to a year. Either they forgot they had a blog or they have abandoned Blogger, for Tweeter or Faceplace. I have not done either thank you very much. I have gave you a great post either in a while, but I'm still haven't forgot about you. As some of the few readers I still have will let you know, I throw you an "I'm still alive" post every once in a while. Moving on, I cleaned it out deleted a few, or more like a lot. In the end I have set up new folders for all my blogs, that I still read. I have "Blogs," "New Blogs," "I'm Bored Blogs," "Image Blogs"...you know the blogs dedicated to just pictures of hot guys, and "Delinquent Blogs." Maybe I shouldn't reveal that but just letting you guys know. There are a lot of blogs I really love, yet don't comment on as much as I guess I should. If I don't have anything noteworthy to say I don't, but I guess I should still give them a shout out of love.

Clothing Closet...
It feels like my closet stays in a constant disaster zone. My dream closet would be everything in order and color coded. I got there a few times, but in no time it's back to ground zero. I have such nice hangers to for a perfect closet, nice wood hangers...No Wire Hangers!!!! Anyway my motivation was shirts. I had no clean dress shirts or button downs, because that's my casual style. I take them all out and it's like 25-30 shirts I need clean. It's been a long time if ever, I've been that bad on taking my shirts to the cleaners. I think to myself, I could take them to the cleaners or be economical, and wash them myself, because none of them say dry clean only, it's just what I've always done. I decide to buy a two different types of Woolite and wash them myself. No problem, they turn out good...that is until the ironing part. It takes me an hour to iron three shirts. Now I get iron the shirt when I'm ready to where them, but I usually like my stuff ready to where when, well when I'm ready to where them. Also the whole point is organization to have everything hung up, am I really supposed to hang wrinkled shirts. I decide to take all the shirts to the cleaners anyway, to be ironed. I figured I did my bit to save. Half the price of the normal clean is still good, to save me the time of not having to iron all those shirts. I get to one of my normal cleaners. I tell her I just wanted to have my shirts ironed. I have never brought something in just to have ironed, but knew they did that. She tags and writes me up my bill...Now my normal price per shirt is $1.75 a shirt, she writes up a bill where she charged me $2.50 a shirt. Of course I had to ask what was up with that. She informs me that to just iron the shirts is a flat fee of $2.50 per item. We go back in forth how that makes absolutely no sense to me and all the sense to her. In conclusion to just iron any item regardless of a dress shirt or formal gown is $2.50, and to get a shirt cleaned is $1.75 with a complimentary starch and iron. I guess it's a nice thing to know if I ever need my formal gown ironed on the cheap, but for a shirt is stupid. Even though to do more work on the shirt is cheaper, to just iron it will cost me more...ain't that some bull. I still don't know how that makes sense. She kept trying to talk me into cleaning them all over again for the $1.75. That didn't make sense either, especially since they were clean and Downy fresh now. In the end I just brought the home, and put them in a a drawer, wrinkled but clean.

Speaking of cleaners...I went by this one cleaners I go to, to pick up a sweater they had. While cleaning out my closet. I realized that a sweater of mine was missing, and realized that this cleaner had it. I found my cleaner slip in my car and go over to this cleaners. To my surprise they were closed...not for the evening...not for the weekend...not for the Sunday...not for the week, but for good. Please tell me how a cleaners just ups and closes, without notifying it's customers. I mean what exactly is the purpose of leaving your number with your clothing if, no one bothers to throw you a bone, of "Hey we closing down, you might want to pick up your stuff." No information at all on the building except a lease sign. I just stood there waiting, like someone was going to jump out and say hey just kidding we go your cloths.

While I was also cleaning out my closet I realized that I might have moths. I had these two dress pants hanging up, they I have never wore, because they had never been hemmed. They still had that extra foot of raw fabric on them, that some men's pants, come like from the store. I decide to get them hemmed, and notice these little tiny holes all over them. I do some further investigation, and I find more cloths with these tiny holes. Now that completely freaks me out, and I take ever piece of clothing out. Here's the thing I never found any bug or moth in the closet. Do moth holes actually come from Moths? Well, whatever it is, it's not going for the cheaper clothes either. It's going for the cashmere and silk wool items. This one camel color cashmere sweater...lord knows I hated that sweater. It was a very itchy sweater. I HATED it, but I would have liked to give it away to someone who needed it or Goodwill or something, but now it looks like Swiss cheese. I'm not joking it has little itey bitey holes all over it. Now the last thing I would want to do is get moth balls. They have such a strong spell, and I don't think I could deal with that smell on a regular at all. I have been around people who spell like moth balls, and that it's cute. I'm not sure if you have been around someone who uses a lot of moth balls all over their house, but even their food taste like moth balls. I went to Walmart, and got instead cedar balls and blocks. I guess my clothes will smell like a cedar chest, but I think that's better than moth balls. Sorry for those people still rocking the moth balls.

Cleaning out the car...
I decided to clean out my car as well. I have an SUV, and I have come to the realization, that the bigger the car, them more junk you can fill in it. A kid I know asked me a question when I was going through my car trying to find something. He asked me, do I use my car as a closet. At first I thought he was making a joke, but he was dead serious. To be honest sometimes I do. Yeah I have change clothes and sweat shirts in my car. Either just in case shirts, or shirts I have changed out of. I have changed completely in my car. If you ever see a thick nigga in a SUV changing clothes at the stoplight, it's me. Usually I don't clean my car out unless I am actually taking it to be cleaned or visiting Von. Even then I just thrown it all on the third row or cargo area. I take out my clothes and hats when going to see Von, because he always wants to borrow crap from me. Funny thing in all the cleaning of my car and closet; I found two shirts and a pair of draws that belong to him. Here's the thing he don't be over my place like that to be leaving things so I don't know how I got them. The draws I remember...he left them in my car accidentally...Not going to elaborate, just let your imagination run with that one.

Books and Cd's...
I had about 250 to 300 CD's. I decided to really get them in order and straight. But them in the right case, because I think for some it has been years since they have seen the original case. Basically I do this to try to figure out what CD's have been borrowed from me and not returned. My cousin borrowed like 10 or 15 CD's from me over the course of a year, a while back. When him and is girlfriend broke up, uh he let her have keep all the CD's including the ones he borrowed from me. Who does that? Yeah that might seem like the nice thing to do, if they were yours or you bought them together, but he didn't and t hey didn't! I called her, apparently she don't know where they are at now. Some people just have no respect for other peoples things. When I borrow anything I treat it like it's mine. Apparently I can't get the same respect. I have made a new rule no borrowing of my CDs. See the thing is. When he borrowed them, not all of the CD's were in the right case, and he took some CD's out of their case and put them together in one case, so he wouldn't have to carry all the case. So I don't know what he had or what it's in. All he can remember from the 15 CDs, is a Common CD, an Aaliyah CD, Bobby Valentino CD. I had the cases to all of those, but no CD, so I don't know what he carried them out in.

In the end, I'm currently left with 40 or 50 empty CD cases. Now I have a CD carrier somewhere, but I can't find it. Until I find it, I can't narrow down what is missing officially. The big question to me is where is the cases to 15 0r 20 CDs. I know he can't have had them all.

I got all my books in order to, took them from all over the house. Now I love Hardback. I hate paperback. If I can help it, I don't buy paperback, however hardbacks are certainly space consuming let me tell you that. I realize from a cover sleeve that a book is missing. I call the person up, and apparently they either lost the book, when the moved or she lent it to someone and can't remember who...uh, no lending up books as well in the future, I see. At least she offered to replace it.

My personal blog...
There is so much reorganizing and things I want to do with this blog, but haven't done yet. First the overall layout and format I have wanted to change forever, but can't seem to. There is this one that I really want but blogger will never let me work it out. For someone who took Cisco for two years, I'm so computer illiterate. So for in the meantime, I have decided to change my intro picture at the top of the blog. Now this is the exactly view and skyline I see on many of the stories and adventures and guys I've talked about on this blog. So here's a picture as a back drop of all the madness of my DL lifestyle.

I think I'm also changing my name again. The last time I changed it, was when Michael Jackson died, and I changed it as a tribute, if no one figured it out. It is my personal favorite songs of his. As I'm finishing up this blog, I don't know exactly what it will be yet, but I will figure it out at the last minute. I'm just tired of this YB&DL's Bad PYT In the Closet at Heartbreak Hotel, and besides it rarely fits into the comment section on certain bloggers blogs.

Lastly I have several unfinished blogs, that I never published, doubt I would now, but who knows, I might finish them and publish them regardless of their current reverence.

I'll Be Your Diamond Boy

"I'm your Diamond Boy
The one you put the rock on
I'm your Diamond Boy
The one that you quit the game for"


If none of you recognize these revised lyrics, than I guess y'all don't check out my "Ah That's My Jam" of the Moments, at least to hear them once. This is the hook for Ryan Leslie's "Diamond Girl" with a little twist from me. It was like my Jam a few months back I believe. I don't know why but this song has been running through my head lately. It's what actually inspired this post, well sorta...at least the title anyway. To be honest what really inspired this post, is the fact that...well I just had a birthday. Not going to say when, but it was this month. I didn't post about it, like I didn't last year, because I don't like to talk about my birthday. I have my reasons. I will get to them in a minute.

Here's something funny, twice this month, I've heard from people, who find out my birthday was this month, something on the line of..."Dang...your birthday is this month, every person I've met who was born in April, have been some arrogant people" Okay how are you just going to group us all like that. You didn't think I was arrogant before you found out, did you? Well maybe they did and just ignored it. This has not been the first time I've heard the comment. However this comment is usually followed after hearing I'm an Aries. I remember this one conversation a few years ago, with some co-workers of mine. When one of them found out I was an Aries it open up this flood gate.

Co-worker 1: "You are an Aries?...Oh that makes so much sense now"
Me: "What do you mean?"
Co-worker 1: "Well when I first met you, I thought you was an uppity little negro!"
Me:"What?!"
Co-worker 1:"Yeah I was like look at this nigga acting like his shit don't stink."
Me: Mouth gaped open
Co-Worker 2: "You too...I thought I was the only one who thought that!"
Co-worker 1: Laughs "No you were not alone"
Co-Worker 2: "When I first met Young I was like...uh attitude...excuse me for breathing"
Co-Worker 1: "Won't he though?...all cold acting and chili...nigga think he cute or something... with that face of his that he makes"

Meanwhile my head is flying from one person to the other just speechless as they compare notes and memories about how cold, uppity and arrogant they first I was, as if I'm not standing right there. I have to admit I had never heard this about myself before then. Let me just say this job I first started when I was a senior in High school. Co-worker 2 was a female part timer like me and Co-Worker 1 was a full time department supervisor.

Co-Worker 2: "Yeah he was, but now that I know him, he's a sweetheart! I love him!"
Co-Worker 1: "Yeah he aight...I guess. Still acts like his shit don't stink sometimes" and Laughs

Let me just say this. I know when to turn it on and off. Sometimes it's a lot easier to turn it off than to turn the "Boy you so crazy" on. When I go onto a new job, that gets turned off quick, fast, and in a hurry. So yes I might come off quit, aloof, and distance. I think it's the dumb folk, that come onto a job, acting like they no everything, and how everybody operates. I don't I am in feel you out mode with my co-workers and I am in getting myself settle vibe. I am like that in a lot of situations, where I am not the most comfortable. now when need be I will turn the charm button on and smile and give you warm, but if not necessary, then you don't get it.

I will admit I cam be a bit bougie and uppity at times. There I said. I know me. I am not the nigga you call to keep it real...to keep it street...to keep it hood! You call me, you will get "Oh man naw I can't do the keeping it Hood tonight. But yo call me next week when you want to keep it Bougie, I got you on that, for real...aight then see you then!"

Anyway I don't really like to celebrate my birthday, because I feel its another year older and another year I haven't made it to where I'm suppose to be in my life. I remember, I believe it was 8th grade, when we had to write out out 10 or 15 year life plan and goals. My my age now I should have finished my Bachelors Summa Cum Laude, and either working up that corporate ladder or working on my Masters or MBA. I should be in a serious relationship with my college sweetheart and either married or engaged. I read at the time that most people find their spouses while in college. So I figured I would find the future Mrs. Young Black by then. In a few years I would be working on baby one, but have a new dog by now. That was the plan, and I really thought that was how it was going to play out. Look at me now. On my umteenth major, still working on getting that one done...be lucky if I graduate Thank U Summa Lawdy! Master or MBA yeah right! Not sure what I want for my career path. Not doing bad on the job front but not a career as I would say. No need to discuss that whole getting married crap, you know how that's going. The future Mrs. Young Black, yeah right! I guess I feel like I'm not fulfilling my potential. I was at city Hall a few weeks ago taking care of some business, had to file some papers, anyway I saw a friend from high school. When I saw her with her business suit and a briefcase, it made me want to go the other way. She wanted to work in the government, she was in the Model UN and other things, and guess what...she works in the government. I feel like I'm all over the place however. And another birthday rolls around and...well kinda a failure...I'm no where near my plan. I know plans change but....ehhh

Wow how did that happen? How did I go from talking about being a diamond boy to a pity party. No matter if I am where I want to be at 23 or not...I will always be a Diamond Boy! To be honest I think that fits me. I think the diamond is classic style and timeless. I think that's me...lol I can't image any other birthstone. It's simple in composition, but when the light hits it, can't nothing beat it reflection and shine. And no that's not arrogance, just calling it as I see it! A diamond means "Everlasting love"...now if that doesn't scream me then I don't know what does people. A diamond is versatile, and like me You can dress me up and you can dress me down. There is some birthstones that is either or. You really can't dress down Sapphires or Ruby, how can you dress those things down? Then take the Peridot and the Citrine, those are hard things to dress up. However every Socialite and Rapper can tell you you can dress a diamond up or down. It means strength and invincibility...I mean hello! I am like the diamond I endure in your hearts forever...forever and ever?...FOREVER!! I feel very diamond like, I feel its me!

I feel that's the only upside to being born in April. I mean the whole pollen thing is so not me. I mean if y'all could see my eyes right now, good lawd. Y'all would be like, "WOW, now were you born with red eyes or are those contacts?...and why is you crying, did your dog die?" The sunglasses get there wear out of me during the Spring for sure. I embrace the April Showers, that is me! I'm mean I'm not exactly a spring guy other than that. I love the warm rain. Any who here is my rambling post to the month of April...I was all over the place wasn't I...hmmm

I am your Diamond BOY!!!!!!
and yes my stuff don't stink...

My Blog is Forever My Confidant

Okay, so I've been M.I.A. for a minute now...same ole same ole been lazy. Every time I get on to write a post, I end up doing everything online but write a post, but here's the thing, I haven't been feeling like reading either, so that's why I have been absence from commenting on every one's blogs lately. I haven't felt like reading anything offline either, so don't feel bad. I think it is going to take forever to get through my next novel, for the book of the moment. I need to change it to the "Book of the Next 90 Days" or the "Book of the Next 6 Months", because it's taking me forever to get though Blair Underwood book, Casanegro or whatever it's called.

I'm seriously going to try and stop neglecting writing the things, that are on my mind. Because I truly realized that once again my blog is my solace, and my outlet to say and communicate, what's on my mind. I realized this week, that I have no one to talk to about certain things in my life, and the big one of those things being my sexuality. This includes the men I get with.I don't have one person I CAN talk to or shall I say, have CHOSEN to open myself up to about things in my personal, sexual, life. Here is the truth plain and simple, I don't really have any Gay friends or any DL friends for that matter. I don't have not one fellow DL friend.

Here's the deal, I have gotten with...well my share of dudes, but I wouldn't consider, not the first one of them a friend, or someone I can talk to about my love life or sex life. I guess perhaps, that might be on me, but the truth is I really don't see any of them as friend types or potential friends. Now I know some of you are saying why would you get with a person sexually, that you wouldn't want to be, at least a friend with. All I can say is just because I had a some what good type when we turn the lights off, don't mean I will have a good time when the lights are on. Most of the time, after I climax, I'm like will you get out of might sight already, and sometimes before we even do anything, I feel this way, but the thought of that climax keeps me there.

Now I have online friends, that I talk about certain things with, that I appreciate and I value, but I afraid that I have an ability to even mess that up. I met this guy online, in my city, and we have been talking online for like months, I want to say since the early Spring. I can talk to him about several things going on with me and men and whatnot. That is until this week.

Now this has been a guy, who is well in the closet or DL too. I met him on this website, and we having been talking and instant messaging each other since. He has wanted to meet up and well...I want to say date, but I have been totally against it. I wanted to keep it friends. I like being able to sign on and feeling free to talk and chat about anything and my feelings and whatnot. Then there is the whole thing, that I know we are not for each other, just from instant messaging online. It ranges from the shallow things like food and hobbies, to the deeper things like he wants and is in search for a Relationship, and not that I'm against relationships... I just don't know if I'm ready for one or can give what it takes to be in one. Then there was the physical, I never saw his picture, which I was cool and happy about, but he had told me he looked like Brian Mcknight, and Brian Mcknight has never done it for me at all...nothing. With all these things in mind, I knew I didn't want anything more but for us to remain online friends, maybe offline friends one day. That is until earlier this week.

I'm tired and going to bed I will finish this tomorrow!