Chris Brown is No Ike Turner!!

(First let me say don't forget to look down below at EnVOGUE Cover, I'm proud of the Divas!)
Now does anyone think there is a chance Rihanna might be a crazy biotch?..well too?

Well, I think she is too...there I said it.

Okay, before I go any further let me say, that I do not think Chris Brown is Innocent, by no means. I do not condone anyone beating up someone else. I think that domestic abuse is very real and very serious. Whether it be physical, mental, or sexual. In that being said I think Chris Brown did beat Rihanna up. I do believe that. However I don't believe he was the only one at fault for this tragic situation.

I was going to stay out of this debate and discussion, but after a month of hearing this story 24/7, a negro has been broken, and I can't take no more. I got to say my peace on this. I was in the grocery store the other week, and on every magazine in the checkout line, there was at least one picture of Rihanna and/or Chris Brown on the cover of it. All with some crazy headline and caption..."Rihanna's Friends fear she won't leave"..."Friends fear her death"..."Oprah's Dangerous Warning"...etc. and so on. It doesn't end there its on every news outlet at one time or another. I love CNN, that's my news channel of choice. First of all they have more than one black anchor, a few actually and they do a good coverage on things. They have good programing, that I enjoy, like the Black in America series they did last year, and look out for Black in America II, in July I think it is...not sure though. It's on all the news channels Fox and MSNBC, but its on all the time on me beloved CNN. I know Anderson Cooper, with his silver fox self is tired of talking about it. Larry King has gotten so tired of the mess, he took a week vacation and has Joy Behar taking his place to talk about it, and with Robin Givens.

This tragic situation has brought out every D-List celebrity and their momma talking about how they were in an abusive relationship. You know Robin had to take the time, to rehash her domestic abusive relationship, with crazy ass Mike Tyson. I'm going to get back to that mess in a minute. In all of this talking about Chris and Rhianna, there seems to be one common element...Everyone thinks Chris Brown is some Monster, and you know what...I DO NOT.

I do not think Chris Brown is the monster everyone is painting him out to be. I just don't. Let me clear this up... this has nothing to do with me being a fan. I'm not that big of a fan in fact. I think he's talented...I think he has a couple hot songs... I enjoyed his first album, for what it was. However ,I thought his last album had two songs on it that I liked, "Kiss Kiss" and "Take You Down"... I think I have actually listened to the second album, "Forever" all of 5 times maybe. You see that it was never on my "Album of Heavy Rotation" of the month ever. I think like Ne-yo and Keshia Cole his music is getting to commercial and watered down from their first album, but that's another subject. So my opinion has nothing to do with me loving his music. Yes, Chris Brown is from Virginia, and even more here, they are talking about this. He in fact lives from what I hear 25 or so minutes away from me. I think he is getting a poor and biased treatment by everyone. Everybody is using the "allegedly" to save their ass, but everybody is Crucifying him, like he has been found guilty already.

I think that Chris Brown is not the only one with a temper. I think that hot island blooded Rhianna has one too, and it got the best of her that unfaithful night y'all, there I said it again. I think she attacked him first, I ain't afraid to say it. She attacked him first and he beat her ass. That's what I think. Look everybody knows, that people from Barbados, and Trinidad, and Jamaica, and the Caribbean, are hot tempered. Before this incident, I have heard this, they will fight in a minute. They know how to part-tey, but they will fight you in a second. They will party, fight you, then party with you again. I think she went of on him, in her accent too, like Ricky Ricardo. Y'all know how when he got upset, he forget English, and went straight for the Spanish. I bet she was fighting him and speaking in uh...in a Barbadian?... tongue.

I knew some people from Trinidad. They had a party in fact a huge one. Rented out a club, for their birthday. They invited a person who they had beat up at another, after she found out, she was cheating with her man. The other woman brought her mother and friends to party at the women who beat her up birthday party, where the birthday girl had her husband at her side. They had put their differences aside to party.


Everybody keeps saying, even if she did, he shouldn't hit her back or to the length he did. I agree, but I think she started it. I find that people keep jumping over the subject that she Might have started this. They keep saying, well she is the female, and he is the male. Alright I get that theory. He's the guy and she's the girl, so he by nature built bigger and stronger than her, so it is unfair for him to fight her. Well, lets say someone didn't take it as far as Chris did...What does a man do, if a woman attacks him, first?

Okay let me tell y'all about this old situation in my family. Now I heard this from one cousin about another cousin. I have this cousin, "R" who was once in a relationship with this girl. They were high school sweethearts, that kept it going in college. I thought they were a good looking couple. I loved her, she thought I was cute and adorable, and well I loved her for loving that. Anyway I was kinda upset when they broke up. Years after they broke up, I was talking to one of my cousin, and for some reason the ex girlfriend of "R" name came up. The cousin went on to tell me, they didn't like the ex to much, especially the way she use to hit on "R". Now I thought this was ridiculous when I heard it. First of all "R" is 6'2 and a former athlete and no punk, and his girl was like 5'5 and very...uh girlie and feminine, so I didn't see this at all. The cousin went on to tell me, that they saw it with their own eyes, the ex attacking "R" and him doing nothing, when ever she would slap him and hit him, when she got upset. He would get mad to but just leave. Now when my mother heard this, she didn't blink an eye. See our family and the ex girlfriends family went back years and knew each other quite well. My mother went on to tell that her family was known for having tempers, she went on to tell all who was rumored to be hot tempered, even the girl's grandmother. In "R" eyes, you never hit a girl no matter what they are doing. He is now married with kids, and he is now teaching his son the same thing. If his sister hits him, just let it go, no matter what never hit her back. I see a problem though, why are girls not taught to hit boys?

Now in my opinion no by should hit, but if someone hits me and they are female, I give them one, but like hell I'm giving them two, before I grab a shoulder and shake them a bit, with a "Heifer is you crazy, you best leave me alone!" I don't believe in hitting, but I believe in shaking...shake some sense back in them! Now some don't agree with either my cousin or me, they would hit back, and in some cases like a dude. Chris Brown might just be that guy.

Now Chris Brown is from Tappahannock, Virginia. When he sings, that he is just a country boy from Tappahannock, he is not lying. This is Kountry with a K. It's a town that is off of a river and has ship yards and whatnot, so there is a lot of sea food with your chitin's going on there. The nearest malls are like 45 mins away. The biggest thing they got is Walmart. Everybody in town knows that when you see the Lamborghini, at Walmart, then Chris is in town visiting, because that's the teen hangout. I know how sad and depressing. I was like "Good Lawd" when I visited. I have been to Tappahannock like once or twice in my life. Once since Chris Brown blew up. My silly tail the whole time I was there would ask, "Do you know Chris Brown?" Sho'nuff everybody had some sort of relations to him... "He's my son's mother second cousin"..."He's my daughter's friends ex boyfriends play god brother"...some crazy like that every time...lol "The boy is silly, goofy, crazy, and down right immature"...that's the description of him from most. Now if y'all are ever in Tappahannock, go to the Pizza Hut, there isn't but one in that town, so you can't miss it. The girl on the register is Chris Brown's best friend ex-girlfriend. She says he was always silly and goofy, and always trying to show some girl his dance moves and sing, which they never wanted to hear. He use to copy her homework all the time. I just don't believe this is the boy...whose mother he watched get beat and hated it...being a monster.


Now Robin Givens is taking this opportunity, to talk once again about her abusive relationship with Mike Tyson and connection with that and Chris Brown and Robin Rihanna Fenty, coincidence I think not. Does anyone think Robin Givens was innocent in that mess she calls a marriage? I don't think so. We all knew she married that fool, for his money. She was not marring him for no love or for a lifetime. I think she use to push him. I can see it now, her saying stuff under her breathe like you, "Dumb Son a Bitch"..."Stupid Jack Ass," after he said something that was probably truly stupid..."You no dick stroking, can't lay it down in the bedroom Bastard!" Now am I alone on thinking that Mike looks like he can't lay it down in the Bedroom or what. I mean I'm sure he can eat some punany, but he can't stroke it. y'all know it. Now we know he probably wasn't swift enough to have a come back for those things, so he did what he knew best, which was fighting. That's all he knew how to do. I think she pushed his buttons, because she knew paid day was coming, from that stupid tattoo faced fool. Perfect evidence to get a nice settlement for what less than a year of marriage. I think it something like 10 million, but I could be wrong. Now in the Chris Brown and Rhianna situation, I don't think she pushed it on purpose, but I think she started it.

CNN is also having Nicole Brown Simpson sister, talking about the similarities of Chris Brown and OJ Simpson. I'm like are you serious. Are they really comparing Chris Brown to OJ Simpson. I just don't see it. Just like I don't see him as an Ike Turner. When I look at Chris Brown I just don't see it, it might be there, but I don't feel it. I can see it in DMX perhaps...uh Busta Rhymes maybe...y'all think Akon could be. I'm just not feeling that. A psychologist, said that he Does think we have a case of domestic abuse, but a case of overly aggression. I agree. I don't think this has been an on going abusive relationship. I think this is passion, anger, and alcohol gone to far.

Now no matter how much you can't stand something, maybe it's still in you...I don't know. Maybe no matter how much he hated his step father for abusing his mother, it might still be in him. I truly can't say, but he just doesn't strike me as one, or I don't see it happening again!

Here's YB&DL's Theory.
I think that Chris and Rihanna, had both been drinking. Chris Brown might be 19 but he is hot and in the industry, and who is telling him "No, you are underage"...nobody. They are riding back to the hotel, when Chris gets tyhe three page text. Now I'm sure Chris get booty, tail, pussy, whatever you want to call it thrown at him all the time. Now I come from a coochie family....everyone in my family calls it coochie. I personally call it Punany. I like that, my cousin thinks it sounds dirty. Some says it means "Sweet Pussy" and some say it means "Rotten Pussy" either way I like the sound. I worked with a girl who use to call her "Miss Kitty" or her "Kitty"...she was 27. She called it "Cat" for women over 40. She would say to others stuff like,"You going home to get your "Cat" stroked?...I kid you not. She use to scare me though, she had a plastic penis on her key chain, she would flick her tongue at me, and pur like she was freakin Eartha Kit or something. I swore I use to think she had a Mountain Lion or Jaguar in her panties instead of a Kitty. Anyway back to what I was saying...whatever you call it he has it thrown at him, and probably a couple of "Dogs" too. However there was something different about this text.


Now they say it was sent to him by his manager, Tina Davis. I very much believe that could be true. I believe this is the women who turned him out, may be even the one who took his V-card. I bet that it was her phone that he was sending those naked picture of himself, that got leaked a couple years ago. It makes sense now. Now I'm sure some of you are thinking why would he be still messing with a 40 year old woman, when he has a 21 year old hot thing like Rihanna. Well I am seeing a 21 year person myself, who is hot as hell. I have been with men in there 40s, they are experiences, and can run circles around the 21 year older. Tina Davis is what you call, Seasoned. She is 40, in a women's sexual prime. Chris is 19, unfortunately they say it's a man's prime, I dispute that. She is 40 and probably knows how to please and get pleased. She has been his manager for a while, I'm sure they have a real intimate relation, they Rhianna can't stand.

So they are in the car and she goes off on him. Attacks him, wants to see the text, while he is driving. Now someone mentioned how in like December or January on the "Bold and the Beautiful"... I know what you are thinking. Anyway the character Rick is fighting with a girl who is in the passenger seat. She wants him to pull over, and he doesn't. So she grabs the wheel. They are fighting, and they loose control. I think Rihanna was fighting for him to stop too. I think that's when Chris's punches started. Rumors are that he is taking steroids. Not sure if that's true or not. He is looking mighty beefier lately. I don't understand why he would be taking steroids, it's not like he is running yards or hitting home runs for a living, he is singing and dancing. If he is taking steroids, it could be and explanation for having a short temper. Doesn't make it right, but could be a cause. Anyway They stopped the car, and that's when she grabbed the keys, and throws them out the car. That's when he pulls her out the car, and the attack increased. She probably fought back, but he got the best of her. He looks for the keys and can't find them. He beats her some more. The rest is Entertainment history.


Now I don't like P. Diddy, can't stand the negro. We he talks he makes me cringe. I think his music is tired, and I truly miss the days when he was hot Puffy of one of the hottest labels..now I wish he would give it all a rest and stick to the clothes. I love me Sean John though, in all honesty, a good 80% of my closet is Sean John. I don't care what anyone says I love it from the high end line to the everyday wear. Anyway everyone has been on his back, for supposedly getting Chris and Rihanna back together and working it out. Diddy was on Ellen DeGeneres, talking about it, and as much as she tries to keep a light and sweet demeanour, she was coming down on him. He said something that made so much sense. Nobody was in that car, but Chris Brown and Rhianna and don't nobody knows what went on but them two.

Like everybody else this is my theory, I don't know what went on. God forgive me if she was completely innocent. I just feel that she is hiding something as well, about that night. I just am tired of the unfair treatment he is getting before his day in court. I feel he needs help and support as well.

That's why until his court date I will keep the comment signature of YB&DL Has Got Chris Brown's Back.

In other Music news...EnVogue is back!!!

This is the cover of this week Jet Magazine with EnVogue on the cover. They look amazing for 40 something women. It looks like they have been drinking some of the Stacey Dash water for real. Whoever said black don't crack, Ain't never LIED! All of them look great, even Maxine. I saw her a couple years ago in a magazine and she looked rough as hell. She had blond braids, and her stomach looked so bloated, like she was 5 months pregnant, but she looks great on the cover. She always did rock the short do, but it compliments her short stature, and big boobs. Look at them up high and ready to knock you out, like the old days. Who who guess that Cindy has had 4 kids and one of them is 16 or 17. Now they all could be thanking this do to retouching and spanx, but I don't care, they still look good and the Funky Divas are back!

Now Let me let you guys on a little secret EnVogue, was the start of yours truly Cd collection today. Yep, "The Funky Divas" album was my first CD. Now even though my father was the R&B guy and my mom was the Gospel person and only bought gospel,I remember her being the one who I asked to buy it, and she bought it for me. I think we were in Kmart to be exact. I had to be about 7 or 8 I think. Anyway I thought the "Giving Him Something He Can Feel" video was the sexiest and naughtiest thing I had ever seen, at the time. So thank them for the collection I had today.


This is them on Jet like in '91 I believe, sorry the cover is gainy, the best one I could find online. In my opinion they look better now than then. Look at them with the oversized hats and big men's jackets from the early 90s. They truly haven't aged a bit.




In the Jet article, Dawn admits that she was the cause for the breakup when she left,'97. She stays how she has a stigma in the industry as being difficult and a bitch, but that she wears that stigma proudly, because there is no way she is going to let people get over her anymore. We she left the group it was because the record was treating them unfairly, they had sold 8 million albums for them and they were getting paid peanuts, and barely making it by back then. She left at the height of their biggest hit, "Don't Let Go(Love)." The other girls were afraid to fight, they weren't a unite back then, but they are now!

I just hope Dawn makes it work now, this is her last shot. She messed it up with Lucy Pearl. This is her last shot, because the solo thing just isn't going to happen. Does anyone remember her solo effort and her song "Jealousy" I bet you don't. We need a hot girl group now. We don't have any at all. I mean Danity Kane is gone, and I didn't like them no way, when they were around. Cherish...yeah right. We need EnVogue, all of them can sing too. They look just as good as anyone in Danity Kane if not better. WELCOME BACK DIVAS!!!

This is them in the early 90s.







This is them Today!
They have recreated their picture from the early 90s, still flawless.

Part II of Okay, So I Might Kinda Sorta Be A Stalker

So your boy is back. After all my computer trouble, I'm now with a new monitor, couple inches bigger, than my last.I had to buy a new one. I have to send off my old one back to the manufacturer since it's still in warranty, it is after all only a year and half old. In the end I'm going to do the double monitor thing, and have them both hooked up. Anyway, I can finish the story of the night I reunited with Von. Like I said in the last post, I just don't feel comfortable writing about the men-es, when I'm not in the comforts of my own home... and this little info is for Southern Gal, I'm currently writing in some gray draws today, because...well I'm in a gray mood today. Thought you would appreciate that. By the way you don't know me...I don't have to have sex with everybody!

Anyway so where I left off me and Von had just jumped into my car. He then asks me, "So are you done, with your business stuff?" I smile and tell him, "Yeah, I'm done." He tells me that he was out running errands for his Grandmother. He had been in the house, most of the day, and he had just came out not to long before he ran into me. He told me he could always do that stuff later, no rush. However, he needed to go to the store for her, so I offer to take him there. As I'm driving we catch up on things. I ask him "So where you been hiding? I haven't got a call from you in a minute." I mean I know it was my fault also that I didn't save his number, but you know I had to deflect that mistake off of me. He suddenly gets quite and looks at me kinda guilty. He the says "Okay, don't get mad at me Y, but I kinda got locked back up." However I did get mad, I had been with Von to several places he had applied for a job, last summer, and which all did not reply back, because he had more than a couple charges on his record. Granted most of those charges were prior to him being 18, I think he had one or two post 18. He goes on "It wasn't my fault, though" I'm like whose fault was it then. He goes on to tell me that he was riding with a friend of his, from around the way. They were in the next county over. They got pulled over. His friend got locked up for something and he got locked up, because he had some old failed to appear in court from a couple years ago. He says "I had totally forgot about that, it had been so long." Curious as to when this all went down. The last time I had seen Von was in the end of August maybe September, might have been Labor Day weekend in fact. He tells me it went down sometime early September, when the phone calls stop. "I just got out, right before Christmas." Right around the time he kept crossing mind. They had given him 90 days or something. I shake my head, because I wonder how many more times he will get locked up before he really learns. I'll give it that he tries, but damn.

I decide to change the subject. I tell him how he looks taller for some reason. He laughs. He says that's what everybody has been telling him since he got out. He tells me that he thiks he grew a inch or two while locked up, now he is about 6'2 or something. He also mentioned how he gained 20 puonds for sure. He looks good, it went in all the right places. I ask him how his Uncle was doing. I knew that his Uncle was having more surgery, from last summer. I had spent quite some time with Von and his uncle last summer. His Uncle had visited from out of state around the time me a Von was hooking up, and a lot of times his Uncle would tag along. Although most of those times I was aggravated with the uninvited company, he was cool, and sometimes it would be me and him talking more in the car, and Von was most of the time left out the conversations. Last time I saw him he was leaving to go back home to have more surgeries. Von says, "He's good, he asks about you and whatnot." That puts a smile on my face. I respond, "What did you say?" Von responds casually, "I told him you was locked up." I was instantly pissed off now. I'm like why did he tell him that lie. Von goes on to explain that because his Uncle was sick, he didn't what to tell him that the reason we hadn't spoke or he hadn't seen me, was because he was locked up, he didn't want him getting upset, so he told him that I was locked up. Even though I understand the thought behind it, I still thought it was stupid. First his uncle is no stranger to jail he was locked up for like 10 or 15 years, himself. I explain back to Von that he was locked up for three months, did he really think his uncle didn't know he was locked up. Von insist he doesn't know. I tell Von, "You really need to stop lying, because you are not good at it." He has the nerve to look insulted. "Why...You lie. Why can't I?" I respond that I tell nice lies, and good ones. He tells reckless and unnecessary lies.

Right now I'm going to have a mid post Flashback story. The setting is last August. Me, Von and Uncle where coming or going somewhere... I don't remember. It was in the evening though. Uncle is in the passenger seat and Von was in the back behind me. I don't remember what we were talking about, but all out the blue Uncle says, "So Young, Von told me all about the little secret you are holding." I look in the rear view mirror, for answers and support. He is looking out the window as if he hasn't heard what his uncle just said. Instantly I'm filled with mixed emotion...nervousness and anger. Von had no right to say boo about anything about me. Especially since he was holding the same secret. I remain calm though.
I respond "What do you mean?" He says, "Von told me all about your sexual preference!" I know I'm turning red now..I can literally feel the turning. I'm thinking to myself it's on now nigga. As I'm looking at Von through the rear view mirror, still not acknowledging the conversation going on. I respond "Von, had no place telling my business."
Uncle responds, "You have nothing to be ashamed about, we have all been there"
Shocked at what I'm hearing, I say "We have?"
"Yeah, who hasn't dabbled down that road once or twice?
"You have?" I mean I knew he had been locked up for a decade, it wasn't a complete surprise, but I was still shocked he was being vocal about it.
He responds, "Yeah!"
"Well, I don't think every man has."
"If they haven't they have thought it."
"You really think so?"
"Oh, yeah... when the lights go out, it's all the same."
Still in complete awe at this conversation's direction. I say "I don't know I think there is some big differences."
He gives me this sly laugh. Then he says, "Don't get me wrong there are some differences... but booty is booty however way you look at it." I'm thinking to myself, this is truly a different side of Uncle, I have never seen.
"If you say so," is all I can muster out, because I'm truly speechless. It is actually hard to find words at this moment.
Uncle responds, "... but that is in my younger years though, I got to stick to my sistas now. I'm going to save all the white girls to you Young." If confusion and enlightened can happen at the same time. That was the moment it did. I say, "So Von told you I like white women, huh?" Uncle laughs and says, "Not like, but loves white women...can't get enough of them." I look once again at Von in the rear view mirror, his butt is still looking out the window, but I see him looking out the corner of his eye at me through the mirror. He knows that it's on, when we get alone.


Back to the originally schedule post. "This is just like white girl lie, Von." For me and Von, that is like the Rachel and Ross' "We were on a break" debate from "Friends". Von snaps back,"Hey Y, I still think that was a good one." I respond back with, "No, it was stupid, and pointless like me being locked up is." We get quite, nobody says anything, let what was said rest for a minute. Curious as to something, I break the silence when I ask him what exactly was I supposedly locked up for. He responds with a "Gun charge." I nod my head and say "Of course, what else would I be locked up for." The sarcasm completely going over his head Von says, "...that's what I'm saying and do know Uncle going to act like he don't believe me...he all like 'not young, I don't believe that...a gun charge, nigga you crazy'" I start to laugh, because I'm not alone in thinking that was a stupid tale. I say, "Yeah Von I can believe him not believing I was locked up for gun possession."
He not getting why nobody believes that. I say, "... because...uh... he has met me!" That man new my ass wasn't like his normal friends from the hood. "You need to stop lying on me, because you are not good at it, when it comes to me. I tell nice lies. You tell lies that has me being a white women lovin' illegal gun toting felon!"

We both are quite again. He mumbles loudly and says in a pouting way, "I still say the white girl thing was good." I can't help but laugh. I say something I have never said to a guy before, but it is some from he heart stuff I have to say. "You know what, Von?...I missed you." He looks over at me, and gives me a half smile. He responds, "You know what?... I missed you too, Y." I can feel it, he really means it too. I want him now. I ask him can we finish his Grandmother's errands later,There are things I rather do instead. That includes us both being naked. He then slightly hurts my feels with his hesitation. He says, "I don't know,I did want to finish up picking up those things, before the store closes." Trying not to show my bruised ego, I'm like alright then. I say, "I just wanted you, as soon as possible and do that thing you like so much." His face lights up like it's Christmas and he says, "The thing I like?...You mean it?" The bait worked. I say slyly, "Don't I always mean it?" He thinking, I can see it in his eyes. Von says, "Fuck the errands lets go!" Nothing more needed to be said.

So Southern Gal was right we did hook up. I can't help it...I'm so weak!

Man Down!!!

It's been a trying week..well 2 weeks actually. It's truly one thing or another. I really was on a mindset to be a better blogger for real. This time it's not my fault. I know I was suppose to write the conclusion to what happen that night with me a Von, but well my monitor on my computer blew out on me, my television, and lastly my baby, my SUV... that had me like Florida Evans...Damn...Damn...DAMN!

First let me talk about my computer. It's actually not that old, less than two years. I don't think that's old enough for my monitor to be going out on me. It has been in the shop for a week and a half I got it out Saturday, and after a $100 dollars and a monologue about how hard Gateway products are to work on...it still has yet to come on. You know your boy sometimes has a temper, so after a good tongue lashing on their voicemail Saturday, since they had close by the time I got it home. Going to talk down to me about having a Gateway, then not even have fix it, you know I was pissed. I was still without my source to stay in touch with the blog world. Yes, I have made a few comments on some peoples blog. I just feel comfortable blogging at home. So my plan was to take it back to the shop on Monday, but as most of you know, the east coast was hit hard, with the snow, even southern east. It would have been fine with me, if I had my Computer. I'm really on that what did people do, without their electronic devices. I mean their are times I truly don't touch my computer, but now that I'm without it I miss it. It's hard and tedious to read blogs from my phone. Its at this time I wish I had bought the things I wanted. I wish I had got a blackberry when I got my new phone...I wish I had bought the new laptop this Christmas, like I wanted. Listen to other people. "Why Young do you need a laptop, you have three desktops, just a waste of money." My mother even offer to by me one for Christmas. I turned her down for other presents. Bad move there. One computer was old as the hills like dog years old, I donated that last summer to a church thrift shop, the other one is kinda old too, but still works well, its just that when I bought my newer computer a year and half ago, I sorta put my old one out to pasture. I couldn't even hook my old monitor to my new computer. Anyway like I was saying I was planning on taking it back to the shop on Monday, but we had the big snow storm on Sunday, and I went to the shop on Monday they had a sign up..."Closed due to the storm of the century"...Wimps. How are you an electronics shop with 6 vans and suvs, because they do a lot of home entertainment installing, and scared of a little snow. I made it to your shop, Monday morning. You made it out to put up that stupid sign, they could have stayed open. I think we have been a little pampered for a few years, and forgot what a really good snow is. Yes 8 and half inches is a nice amount, but I have seen worse. A few days of closed does not equal snow storm of the century. Several years ago when I was in middle school I think, we were closed for a week and a half, that is a truly snow storm, when the news always refer to it ever hour and ever broadcast time as more updates on the "Blizzard '98 or whatever that my friend is a snow storm. We have been spoiled. I took it back today and they had the nerve to ask me why was I upset... really, you don't get it? I just left them, and they still don't know, and don't know when I will get it back. They got until Thursday and your boy is leaving the old one their and getting a new one.

Before that my television went out. Actually the same symptoms my computer had. This Jamaican electronics guy came out and fixed it for $250. To heavy to be carry to some shop.Apparently whatever was wrong happens a lot to LCDs. None of this even remotely compares to what happen to my baby, my car.

It's funny the day I took my monitor to the shop, was the day my baby just...well had a stroke...I guess you could say. I was leaving the electronics repair shop, and bam, my car was having convulsions like movements. Like it wanted to go without the transmission. I quickly took it to a shop, that I go to often, which was 10 mins a way. I'm a good customer, my mom is too. They checked it out right away. Then told me, absolutely don't drive it anymore. What was going on was it was going in and out of 4 wheel drive by itself. They told me to have it towed to the dealer. Newer cars with computer systems are best to be dealt with by the dealer. I was so confused as to why and how this started still no lights was coming on, nothing telling me that something was wrong. I hate going to the dealer, but I had it towed their. Long story short, the system that controls the 4 wheel drive went bad, and had to be replaced, $3,000 dollars people. Apparently happens due to driving it constantly in 4wheel drive mode. I have never had it in 4 wheel drive mode since I had it for 2 years. We just got our first good snow in years this past Sunday. It's a 2004, so they suggested the first owner must have. I thought that was a stupid ass answer. I was like so it took two years for the repercussions of a former owner driving it in the wrong mode to show up now. I wanted another reason. So that hit my savings hard people. I was real depress when I paid them, They had it fixed in two days.

I kept thinking why is all of this happening all at once. Thinking to myself why me. I quickly put in a old Hezekiah Walker Cd, and quickly I knew, I needed to stop with this why my thinking. So many people have it a lot worse than I do. Some people lives are falling apart around them, foreclosure, jobs lost, etc. God doesn't put anything on us, we can not bare. He may deliver you from burdens, but that doesn't mean their won't be any. It may get worse, this may only be a test. I just kept thinking. I should feel blessed that I had it to fix these things. Anyway I have rambled on enough about things. This is officially my first post not from my computer. From my schools library. It's weird. I'm usually in my draws or some lounging wear, when writing. It's strange being fulling clothed and writing. However, y'all will not get a conclusion about Von until I have my computer back...Sorry! Peace...I'm out!

Okay, So I Might Kinda Sorta Be A Stalker

I had this post that I had been working on for quite some time. It just wasn't happening. It was suppose to be like an introduction into the new year. Well I just couldn't get my thoughts and words out like I wanted to in my mind. After a couple of weeks of it just not happening I have decided to scrap it all together and talk about what's going on with me right now. Hey that post just isn't meant to be...like so many post I still have in draft mode. If y'all knew how many post don't actually get published. Anyway here is what's going on right now.

I have kinda become a stalker. Not on purpose, it just kinda happened. It's not as bad as it seems. Stalker is such a harsh word. You know how these things start. You have someone on your mind and you drive around their house and you mean to go to hte door and knock to see if they are home and well instead you just sit outside and watch the house...multiple times of course. As I'm writing this I feel I need to explain quickly. The person I'm stalking is Von...or shall I say WAS stalking was Von. I'm not doing it anymore, so past tense is needed.

After the "I need some Great Sex or a Great Sexual Experience" post I decided one night to go see Von. I didn't have his number. Which is very strange considering as much as I hooked up and hung out with him last summer. I didn't post about Von, like I meant to, but I could write a good couple weeks worth of post, when it comes to Von, he is such a... character. Here's the strange thing when it comes to me. I will save a guys' number that I hooked up with once or a one night stand type thing, but I guy I see multiple times, their number usually never gets saved. Since Von was always calling, I never thought about saving his number. Eventually though in August, he stopped calling, and eventually his number was pushed out of my call history. I really didn't think about it because of all I was going through, in the fall, that I hadn't talked to him in a minute. Didn't have his number, so I decided to take a drive or to his house. Now Von comes from one of those neighborhood, that everybody seems to hangout on the front stoop. Last summer when ever I would go over to his house. It seems that there was always someone hanging outside. I would ask them is Von home, some little kid would go inside and Von would come out... or I would call and he would know when to be outside. Flash forward to now it's winter and no one seems to be hanging outside. I see lights on and everything, but here's the thing. I couldn't seem to get out and walk to the front door and knock on it. I felt stupid, knock on it and say what "Can Von come out and play?" So after debating about it for a while. I decided to leave it alone.

However this was not the last time I did this. I did it a couple more times in January too. It just felt awkward every time I got there. One time they were even having, what seems like a party. This seems like it would be the perfect time to knock on the door and look for him. I just chickened out again. I don't know why it bothered me so much to knock on the door, especially since I have met a lot of his family, his grandfather, a sister and her kids, cousin, and his uncle who I spent plenty of time with. I had been invited my his uncle to cookouts and the 4th of July party and everything...all of which I declined. They just thought I was one of his niggas from around the way. However, I just felt if I knocked on the door, it would be like a big whirling sign on my forehead, that said, "I'm here to see Von, so we can get Down and Freakay!"

So one the forth time...and yes I was counting how many times my silly ass was going over there, chickening out, and sitting in front of their house... well like a stalker. The stalker element came to a climax feeling...when some woman, not sure if it was his mother or his sister looked out the window. I made eye contact with them freaked out and sped off. As I drove off I made up my mind, that I was going to write Von off. I didn't have his number and he wasn't calling me, so leave it alone.

I'm at a stop light a couple blocks from Von house. It's a long stoplight. I'm laughing at myself and what I was just did, when I see this guy walking up the street. I'm like dang, he really must be on my mind, because this guy walking up the street looks to me like Von. He's kinda far away though. As he gets closer, he really looks like Von, expect he looks taller. His walk and the way he carries himself looks awfully familiar...a slow drag with a slight bounce. He gets to the stop light and looks to his left and to his right... where I am still waiting on the light. He crosses the street and in front of my car. I'm thinking though if this is Von, wouldn't he recognize my car and me. He did tell me he had a brother who looks like him, and this guy does seem taller. I roll down the window though, and I call his name. His head goes all around like whose calling my name. I say, "Von over here!" He spots me, and walks over casually, and gives me a half smile, and says, "What's good Young?" Right then after all this time the light turns green. I tell him to jump. Thinking he was going to run to the passenger side, he jumps into the back seat. As I pull off from the stoplight, his big ass hurdles across my front seats, into the passenger seats... like it's nothing. So here resumes what he is saying. He says, "So what are you doing on my side of town." We live on completely opposite sides of town. I couldn't very well tell him I came over here to see him, so I tell him I had business to take care of over here...at 9 o'clock at night. He believes it though. He then asks me, "So are you done, with your business stuff?" I smile and tell him, "Yeah, I'm done."

THere is moret o this night I might add it later!

Debut Album Battle from 3 Talented Women

"First Love" is a great debut album from a talented girl. I was first introduced to Karina with her first single, "16 @ War". Although the song is talking about the trials of a 16 year older in today's world, I did not think she was 16. Unlike most of the teens singer's that are coming out, I didn't feel like her music was aimed at the tween and teenager crowd. I got a reminiscent feel of the teen singers of the early and mid 90's, like Monica, Brandy, and the late great Aaliyah's debut albums, that was music beyond their years, and not aimed at just kids their age. For me I like the message that few of her songs possess like the ballad, "Can't bring me down", which is about determination, and about not letting people hold you back. I think she shines best in the ballad department.like "Slow Motion" and "First Love", which are mostly about young love, but it can very well be related to any age especially "Slow Motion". I think this is anything but a bubble gum album, because she is anything but bubble gum, she is a classically trained singer and pianist, how every I think she will be lost being on the same label as Rhianna. I see a very promising future, if she jumps labels. Loved this album, but it was not the Winner, close though.




After much anticipation Jennifer Hudson released her self titled album. With her voice, I was really curious how they were going to use it. She really didn't have a pop or a contemporary R&B voice but more off a soul voice. She has a big voice, they could have made her sound old, but she didn't come off like that. Her first single "Spotlight" had very much a Whitney from the 80's kind of pop thing going on, I liked it, but it was by no means my favorite. My favorite song on the album, hands down would be her duet with Fantasia, "I'm his only woman". The one thing that makes me laugh about this song is the line Jennifer keeps saying if this was 10 years ago... I ready to whup your ass" How old is she suppose to be in this song. Obviously that's not your man if you been with him 10 years and he hasn't married your butt yet. I think I was kinda rooting for Fantasia in this song, don't know if I was suppose to be rooting for anyone. anyway I although I've heard from several people that they think the song is stupid I like "Pocketbook", the only high tempo song on the album I really loved. Most of her songs were mid tempo and ballad, the ballad of course is where she shines. Of course I loved her rendition of "And I'm telling you I'm not going", from Dreamgirls. This album had some highs and lows, over all I liked it, but I guess I expected more highs really, than what I got.



The WINNER of Course!

So in My Debut battle of the Divas, Jazmine Sullivan's "Fearless" is my winner. The latest protege, of super female producer Missy Elliot, Jazmine Sullivan,Fearless had the rotation the most out of the three albums.I thought from her first single "Need u bad", that this album was going to be a very highly reggae and dance hall inspired album, in fact I thought that was the kind of artist she was. I was pleasantly surprised by what I found. She wrote and co wrote most all of this album and it has me more curious about her. I guess from songs like "Call me guilty", which is about domestic abuse, and her killing him before he kills her. I pretty much love most of this album. From her high tempo like "Live a lie" to her mid tempo like "Bust your windows" to her ballad like, "In love with another man". I love this song. This is truly a eclectic album, she has reggae influences, 70 soul influences on some songs, and 60's inspired beats on some songs like "Switch". I can truly see where people are coming from when they say she is the new Lauryn Hill. I loved this album. That's why she is the winner. I guess I just feel a connection with most of the songs.






My "Ah that's my Jam" for the month is "Chasing Pavements". I guess I love the meaning or the message of this song. Should you give up on a relationship with someone you love or keep on trying even if it will lead nowhere. This white girl can sing.





My "Ah that's my Jam II" is Usher's, "Trading Places". I'm not a huge Usher fan by no means, but I love this song. I haven't loved an usher song like this since "Nice and Slow". I guess I love the sexier songs from him.



My Throwback album, is "Candyrain" by Soul for Real.This is one of my favorite boy group albums from the 90s. Heavy D did a great job on the production of this album. Yes this may have been a little bubble gum like the first single "Candyrain", but it also had some classics good remakes like Patti Labelle's, "If Only you knew". My favorite song on this album, would have to be the very long slow jam, "I don't know", i really had to make myself let it go to the next song, because I will really replay this song over and over again. I really think I like this album more towards the middle and end. I like the seduction vibe I get during those parts. However I still love the classics like "Every little thing I do". Why don't we have groups like this anymore?


Okay I'm going to me completely real, my Inpiration album of the moment Hezekiah Walker's Souled Out, is by no way my favorite of his albums. Not a classic in the making like his last one, but its the best I'm hearing right now, that is new. He has some hits like "O Give Thanks", which is a good one. I really was moved by God "Favored Me part II", I really like that one. "All of my help" is classic Hezikiah, maybe to classic it sounds down right like he old classic "Jesus is my Help", from the "Live in London" album. "Souled Out" is a great foot stomper over all it's adecent album, but some songs didn't hit me like "Moving Forward", I think he was trying to hit a new audience. This album was decent enough to be my Inspiration of the moment.

EbeNegro Scrooge

For some reason, this year,I can not get into the Christmas spirit. I truly feel like saying, "Bah HUMBUG!!!" I just am sick of it all. There use to be a time, that I loves this time of the year. Nothing I loved more than riding around looking at Christmas lights. I loved decorating our house for Christmas..liked having a better yard, than the neighbors, and them trying to step it up the following year, but us stepping it up even more the following. I loved shopping for others, picking out the perfect gift. I don't know, but shopping, is one thing i can do. I can pick out usually the perfect gift for someone. Either something they need, or something, they truly should have.I love the Winter, so this holiday, always felt right, made me feel warm inside. I love Christmas albums, my favorite being Bebe and Cece Winans' First Christmas. I love my family getting together, and having it's annual family argument about something from something cultural...to political...to biblical. Getting up and getting what I wanted, or what I asked for..or some years, what I bought on my parents credit card, and wrapped myself and put, "From them, To me" on it...last year they were generous...lol
However this year, for the life of me, I can not get into the Christmas spirit. I don't want to buy squat for nobody. Maybe it's years of me picking out the perfect gift and in return I get the disappointment gift. Screw that whole it was the thought that count bull shit, because to be honest for some I wonder what exactly was the thought. Last year, for some there was no thought at all...how do I know, because with my gift, came no gift from them...I got a few, "I got your gift coming after Christmas," and come February still nothing. I know this season is about giving and not receiving, but sometimes...I'm just tired of giving and not receiving. It kind of makes me feel like I love you, more than you love me. Don't get me wrong I know some don't have it to give, but...every year?... and well this year I'm joining the club. It's not only that I don't feel like picking out anything or even going to the mall, and thinking about someone else this year.

I don't give a rats fat ass about Christmas decorations...I wouldn't even put up a Christmas tree, if not coerce to. At times I feel like I can't wait to the new year gets here. A part of me wouldn't mind seeing some of my family, but a part of me is like if their nappy ass says one thing to me, is on like Donkey Kong...come on say something to me...I wish you would... I wish your black ass would! And if I here Donny Hathaway sing "This Christmas" one more time!, let alone Chris Brown with his little rendition...Boys II Men you too, take your Holy Night and Let it Snow asses and shove it... Micheal, you Jermaine and Tito take Jackie and Marlon and take that "I saw Mommy kissing Santa Clause" to next year, because this year, I ain't having it. I can't stand to see one more Christmas movie or song nothing. Take it away. I'm just not in the mood.

The only reason I have even been to the mall, is to buy my Aunt Cece gifts, to her grandchildren...My first cousins children. She says she don't know about Nintendo DS games...that's how it started, then it went from that, to while you are out...pick up this for me. I then bought here presents to her in laws, then for my other cousins, her other grandchildren, who are a 15 and 16 a boy and a girl..."You will know what the young kids are wearing more than I would and you have good taste...here's the budget go for it"

Why is it you always run into someone, you haven't seen in awhile, on the day you are looking your roughest. That's another thing I hate about this holiday, it brings people out to shop, that maybe you wouldn't normally see. So I'm in Express looking for a skirt for my 15 year old cousin. I see a girl I haven't seen, since literally the day we graduated...I wasn't looking completely tore up, but I was looking rough. I hadn't shaved in a minute...I just wasn't looking like I would want to look after not seeing some one for over 4 years. I tried to hide as she pass by me, and I thought I was cool until I take a pair of pants up to the counter, to ask a question about them. That's when I realize she worked there. She was busy with other customers, but noticed me, when her manager singled me out about the pair of pants I brought up, she told me that I wouldn't want to buy those, because when the sweat, they smell like fish...I left that comment and those pants alone. However of course Arie noticed me then, and I had to say hi. Her nickname in high school was black barbie, because she actually looked like the black barbie...From the hair, which was real down her back...to her smile...to her perfect C cup breast...she just looked it. It's ironic, but it was this same time our junior year in high school that I bought her a Christmas/Birthday gift. She asked me to get her a red corvette car...model size of course, and my black ass did it, I believe I paid $30 dollars for that car too. However on mine, I got a empty handed "Happy Birthday Young!" Hmmm...Anyway I feel like I have gotten off the subject at hand. I picked out a nice skirt, and called it a day, but not before running into two more people at different malls actually. I knew better, you never know who you will run it.

Part of it, is that people owe me money, why should I buy you something, when you owe me money! You know the only person I have not felt bad enough not to give to is the Salvation army. I have given good to them this year. I feel so guilty passing those bell ringers, without putting at least a dollar in. One day I had put a dollar in every place I went. I think at the end of that day, it was like 8 dollars. One day I tried to walk into a grocery store, without making eye contact with the bell ringer, and this negro had the nerve to single me out. He yells "Hey Brotha, Happy Holidays!" Can you believe him! I look around and there is white people walking in the same times as me, but he singles me out. I gave him a buck going in and coming out the store...damnit!

The only shopping I really have done for myself, is for myself. That's when I realize, I have got to go back to the gym.I haven't been to the gym in like 2 and half months, plus I have been eating comfort foods, which isn't bad it you work it off, so your boy has put on some weight back on. It feels like it just flew back on, I look swollen. I was going to the gym the other day, when I realize I had to renew my contract, the end of November. I'm going to wait until Christmas Eve, because I saw on the Today show, that Christmas and New Year's Eve, are the best times of the Year to join or renew your contract at the Gym, because it's the absolute slowest days at the gym, and they usually have quotas to feel a day, so they will do whatever to keep your business or get it, on those days. That's another thing about running into people during the holidays.

I will have to admit one thing. Things did change for minute. When I finally decorated and lit the tree Friday. I did get that holiday warmness, when I look at it...Maybe you just have to force yourself, and the spirit will come!

Anyway, I hope y'all all have a great holiday, I guess my next post will be the First of the year, more likely...who knows. I hope everybody in blog world has a great and safe holiday!

I need some Great Sex or a Great Sexual Experience

I am going to postpone my regular post for a few, and write this much need post. I feel that if I put it out there in the universe, then maybe it will come to me or something.


I feel that I am in the need for some Great sex...I will even seddle for good. Now don't get me wrong or anything, it's not like I'm horny or anything...I gets mine. It's not like I need sex, but I feel like I need some GREAT sex. I'm talking about that right eye fluttering...left eye closed...left leg shacking...right leg stiff as a board...nails in your back and I just want to dig into you, because I can't stand the pleasure...shallow, yet at the same time heavy breathing...say my name, because literally for a moment I can't remember my own name... I know what Floetry meant, all I want to do is say yes... yes...y-e-s hitting absolutely all the right spots...I think my name starts with a C...I just want to do nasty things back to you...or maybe it was a K...did I mention yes baby type of Good Sex. I just feel like I'm having some hum drum...beige...I really don't like you, but you have the right things needed for the moment type of sex. I don't know when the last time I've had some good sex. I want to say early summer, perhaps late spring. His name was Treyquan or something with a T...I remember he had gold grills, in his mouth. I remember, because he was the first and to this day only guy I have been with, who had gold grills, and I believe he kept them in the whole time we got busy too. I thought he was going to take them out, but he never did. I thought that it was going to be a challenge for him to do something, but no the boy had some skills....I lost his number...if I would have know that that was the last time I had some amazing... how yah do, then I would have guarded his number like Hope freaking diamond I tell yah.

Now for some of you who think any sex is Great sex...well then...good for you, but for me I know the difference. It reminds me about a couple of months ago on Chris Rocks last comedy special To Kill the Messenger...he goes on to say that men have two types of climaxes. They have the ketchup type of climax, where...well we all grown here, so I will say it...ejaculation... comes out slow and like ketchup...blop...blop...blop. I feel like that's what I have been having. Then you have the other type of climax, that shoots out like a civil rights hose, and screams "Free at last...Free at last... Thank God almighty I'm Free at last!" However some people think, if a guy ejaculates, then everything is honky dorey...everything is all good in the city...uh not necessarily. Chris Rock also goes on about, "Just because he cums, doesn't mean you made him come!". He talks about how women think just because a man cums, then everything is good. Here's the thing I think some men who get down, think the same thing. Let me let you all in on a little secret...sometimes...it's...just... some...good..ole...enough...FRICTION!

The Fall and Winter is my favorite time of the year.I love the crisp weather and whatnot, but it's like the freaks go into hibernation for the winter , and won't be back until the spring. Now I guess I should be thankful, I'm getting what I'm getting but, but it just feels so blah. I mean it's just nothing to write home about..not saying I would write home about it, if it was great, but just not good. Now don't get me wrong I have had several civil rights explosions, but they were with Triple M...Me,Myself,and Moi. I think there is a problem, when I have a better orgasm by myself, than with someone else... then it's like what's the point of a sexual partner. It just feels like I need more of something I'm not getting.

That's how I felt when I was messing around with Von, that something wasn't quite being satisfied. However my experiences with Von was always great. Now I know I didn't go much into Von or talk about him much and me and him..well I meant too but never got around to posting about it. I messed around with Von for minute. Anyway even though he never took me to that Great sex climax, our sexual experience were HOT and Great. I don't know how to explain it. It's like Great sex is the techniques... the movements... the skills... the things done. Great Sexual Experience, is the person... the passion... the beginning and the becoming of the sex... the intense feeling... the attraction.

So I'm not completely on the search for a Great orgasm, a Great Sexual Experience will do. To be honest some of my most rememberable and Greatest Sexual Experiences, didn't always end with me ejaculated at all. Vice versa too...not all of my great sex involved a Great Sexual Experience. Like that Treyquan person although the sex was great, the experience was, lack luster to say the least...it was just two niggas hooking up.

Here's the thing, whether it is Great sex or a Great Sexual Experience, I'm not having either one and I need one or the other. I would love, if I could have both, and not for just one night either, for a consecutive period of time. I think it's about time. I just going to put it out there and hope it comes to me.

Anyway back to our regularly schedule post in a few...

Blog A.D.D. but I'm Back!

First and foremost, let me say thank you, for your prayers and concerns. They meant a lot to me. Second, I know I have been M.I.A. for minute, but I just been going through a lot and well I just didn't feel like blogging. I know I left a lot of you on hangin, but...well is that anything new from me. I'm sure some of you thought I was dead, for future reference if it goes two months without a word from me...then..well that's not good. It hasn't been two months with a word form me this time, but think about that for next.

Now I don't know what was going on with me, but when I finally was ready to blog I couldn't stay focus. I was all over the place in topics, and even just trying to stay focus on the post below.I know it's a long one, but what can I say! It was a long day. It took me forever to get all my thought down on that post below. I couldn't stay focus for the life of me. After received an email from a fellow blogger this week, I decided I had to stay focus enough to finish that post...and well a week later here we are...I'm telling you it is hard as hell to get back in the groove.

Now Since I have been a way, I really hadn't been in he mood to read every one's blog...well no one's blog actually. However I plan on catching up with every one's post..in due time people. I have a lot of reading to do. It started with me not feeling like it a first, then it went to me thinking I should post first before commenting on others, and I couldn't stay focus, therefore I wasn't reading.

Anyway your favorite Down and Dirty Lover Boy's Back!

P.S. and can someonoe help me fix my blog, with one click I screw the whole thing up and and I can't remember how to get it back, it feels off balance!

Not ready to be an Orphan...Part I

I can't believe the words that are coming out of his mouth. "She has three blockages, one 70%, one being 80% , and one being 90%, we are most likely looking at having to operate".... I can't believe that just a few minutes ago I was laughing and making jokes and now, I'm hearing words, that could shatter my world.

Let me start at the beginning... so a couple of weeks ago, my mother feels this sharp tingly feeling flow for a minute down her neck for a minute. Most wouldn't give it another thought, if that was the only time, and never happened again, even she had thought this. However there was something about this feeling, that made her nervous, and she felt that she needed to get it checked out. She went in for a physical, where they didn't find anything unusual, but they thought she needed more test. Those test is what led to the ultimately cardiac catherization test. This is a procedure, where they go through your upper leg pelvic region, and I believe shoot ink through your veins or something like that to check your arteries and check blockage and heart valves. It's an out patient procedure, where the patients is awake the whole time, and done by a cardiologist. It's only like 45 mins long, but takes like 4 hours to recover to be able to leave.

She is suppose to have someone there the whole time and to take her home, because she can't drive after the procedure. So me and one of my aunts go, and a family friend comes for support. We sit in the waiting room for a little while, and me and the family friend go down to the cafeteria, until she gets out, to grab something to drink, and see what they have to eat. We don't eat anything, grab our drinks, and I suggest, we run up to the maternity floor and check out the babies. I don't have much experience with the maternity floor, but I imagined it being like on television and busy nurse desk and men rushing their women to the desk, with comments, like "Her contractions are 3 mins apart", or something like that. Nurses rushing the pregnant women to delivery rooms, and stuff like that. However, that is not what I got, that maternity ward was so quite and dull, nothing like I thought it would be.I mean it wasn't like it was some small hospital in the middle of the sticks, kinda of the opposite. There is only one family in the waiting room watching "The View", waiting for their known mother to be, to deliver, and then there is only one nurse at the nurse desk, at a computer, looking like she is checking her email or Myspace page instead of anything to do with pregnant women, I bet. We go to the nursery, and I'm expected all the babies in the window, with name tags like "Baby Girl Jones", "Baby Boy Newman", but what I got was a nursery, with a black curtain drawn, and a sign saying,"Shhhh...please be considerate, babies are sleeping, even they need to get their sleep". I take a peek through the side of the curtain, that really gave me a good look, and I don't see any babies, but one, that was in an incubator. I go to the nurse desk, and ask her "Why are y'all perpetrating, like y'all have babies, when there isn't, and with some sign acting like there is, but they are sleep?" She tells me something about they are with they mommas. I was like why not just say that, what's up with the big cover up. As we get on the elevator we are laughing about the whole experience.


When we are back to the floor, that my mother is on, we see my aunt isn't in the waiting room anymore, so we go to the recovery room, my mother is suppose to be after the procedure, and as we are coming in, my aunt is leaving. The minute she sees us, she starts to cry, she wasn't crying until she saw us. See this aunt has the unbelievable talent to cry in 0 to 180, in a drop of a dime. She says she can't handle this. I rush pass her, to see what is going on. The doctor is their talking to my mother, he introduces himself to me, and he proceeds, to explain to me that my mother has three blocked arteries. As he is explaining the percentages blocked, it almost feels like a surreal moment. It was like not my mother...I just knew without that they were not going to find anything...I can't be hearing him correctly...Oh my god, I'm not ready to be an orphan.As he continues to talk, I just look at her lying there quietly, she hadn't said anything since we came in and she introduced me to the doctor. She just looks back at me, no more words exchanged. The family friend ask him, "So what do we do about this?" He then explains that we have three options. The first, is to do nothing, which he feels is not in the best interest, but it is still an option...Next!... Option two, is that they could but stints in...I can't remember exactly what he said they do, but I do remember that he said one of her blockages, the 90% one, was located in an area, where they wouldn't be able to put a stint in...Okay next...Option three, to have a Triple bypass surgery. They will open her up, take veins from her leg, and use them to reconfigure her heart, and take the veins and bypass over the blockages literally.

"It has a greater risk than the first two options, but it has a greatest reward too", is how the doctor explained it. However, those same thoughts kept running through my mind...I'm not ready to be an orphan! I heard someone tell my mother years ago, when my grandmother died, that no matter what age you are, once your parents die, you are technically an orphan, whether you are 5 or 55 you are technically an orphan. I don't know what it was about that moment, that made me remember that. It was at that moment, I truly realized, how much growing,I still had to do, and I wasn't ready for her to leave my life now. After about 5 minutes, of theses thoughts and feelings, I knew it was times to bring them into check. I don't know how my face looked, but I knew I had to reel my thoughts in...I kept telling myself she will be fine...I'm not ready for her to go, and God knows it, he knows he can't leave me alone with my family... and she just retired a year and half ago...she can't die after just retiring, she is suppose to get a few more years of relaxation and comfort...She will be fine, she has to be. I hadn't said anything this whole time, but I know it's showtime. I through on a warm smile, the best I can and I keep it together. She does the exact same thing, both of us trying to protect the other, both trying to be strong for the other. I tell her I'm going to go check on my Aunt Ina. I go out to the waiting room and I see that she is still crying, but on some strange woman's arms. I ask her, "Whose is this?" She stops crying for a moment, she looks at me and then at the woman and says "I don't know" Then starts crying again, the woman's arms wrapped around her shoulder's and gently patting her. Irritated now, I'm thinking to myself, we just can't take you anywhere, can we?

Not to long later, my other aunt calls, to see how things went. I answer it and tell her, what I had just learned. She ask me what is ruckus in the background, I tell her that it's her sister crying like a baby, she just sighs, and I can feel her eyes rolling over the phone, but she doesn't say anything, that's my Aunt CeCe's style, there is a time and place for true comments. She asks me am I crying too, I tell her no, and she says good, someone should be strong and have some sense at this time, for my mother. I get off the phone with her and now my Aunt Ina, is crying and on the shoulder with the family friend. As I sit on the window seal and look down at the busyness of the lobby, I hear my Aunt Ina, crying and going on to the family friend about how first her brother and now my mother she can't handle all that is going on in our family right now. The family friend said "But his surgery was two years ago, he's good now, right?" I turn my head to see was exactly she will say. Just as the tears started they stop. She looks at me and I look back at her, nothing said, but we both know that we are thinking the same thing. Yes my uncle did have this same surgery, but this is the same surgery that he needed the pain pills, which led to the relapse of a 15 year drug recovery. Yes... the same uncle from the journey post I wrote about a couple months ago. She looks at me and tells her, "You're right, he's fine now." Keeping the real truth where it belongs for the time being.

A hour or so, into the recovery time, I'm out in the waiting room, with the family friend. I've been in my own little world since the news. They are in a deep conversation, with a young woman also in the waiting room. She is waiting to take her catherization test. Turns out that two months ago this woman had three stints put in after she had two heart attacks. She had been walking around after having two heart attacks, but thinking she had just the flu. At 37 she was rushed to the emergency room after passing out at work, that's when the realized she had had heart attacks that week and didn't even know it. She was there with her older brother. I really didn't pay much attention to him, until he mentions how the smell of ammonia was still on his hands. The hands...that's what I noticed first about him. These thick long vein red hands. Then I noticed the rest when he got up and went to the bathroom down the hall to wash them. Sexy red bone man about in his early 40, the edges of a man, that was definitely rough. When he returns I really notice him. I can tell that in his younger years he was definitely a hottie, but even in his early 40s he has this cute child like sexiness. However I shrug off those thoughts and go back to thinking about things I know, we are going to have to do, before the surgery. I know my mother and I know she has her to do list already.

When the family friend leaves, because of an appointment, she has, I then begin to talk to the sister of sexy red bone. Well I should say, she was talking to me. Her brother was in grossed in a episode of Jerry Springer. I thought people was over that show, in the late 90s. She is telling me how, she is ready to get back to work and whatnot, and hope, everything is okay now. How a couple of their siblings has had health problems like this already. Apparently the really two healthy ones is the brother beside her and the 400 pound brother, who even though is rather large, is quite healthy...um okay. I ask sexy red bone, that even though he doesn't have any symptoms, since it's obviously running in their family, is he going to get checked out. He says, no because he has always been small, and that he eats well do to time he spent away...code for this nigga been to prison. I tell him that being small has nothing to do with it, his sister is small, big booty, but actually a small build woman. When his sister goes in for her procedure, his bounces to go get something to eat.

Me and my aunt alternate being company in my moms recover, she is only allowed one person at a time in her recovery room. When I'm in there, just like I expected she is running down the to do list before she goes into the surgery. "We got to get on the ball for the annual fall upkeep, have to call Kenny(our painter for years) to come out and paint the shutter and doors, than my new room hasn't been painted yet...then we have to call Phil to aerate the yard and seed and fertilized before it gets any later in the year... I want the driveway to be sealed.." I mention how she did that in February, and she says, she wants it shinning, for when guest come and visit her in her recovery. I leave it at that. "... I need to call the furniture store when we get home and tell them to cancel the order for the chair I just bought, I guess it's a good thing I refinished that room upstairs, I'm going to need it now, not going to be doing to much going up and down the stairs for a while. You are going to have to take care of everything..."

45 mins later I'm back in the waiting room, when sexy red bone returns...damn this nigga is hot. He has a bag full of chips and soda and cookies. I mention how I thought he was going out for lunch, not snack time. He mentions how, he wanted some McDonald's, but he had been driving around the area, and couldn't find one, and how he didn't want to drive away to far, because technically he wasn't suppose to leave anyway. I mention that there is a McDonald's, in the area, that was actually quite close, is ask where, I say down stairs on the first floor. He looks at me crazy, and I tell him that the hospital has its own McDonald's as well as a cafeteria. We talk some more, now about Maury, now that that it's on. He mentions how he knows someone who was on Maury about being some girl's baby daddy. I ask who...he says, his former cell mate, he "Was Not the father" by the way. Bingo though,I knew he had been to prison. I ask for drugs, I can be bold like that at times. He says yeah once for drugs distribution, and the other for assault. All together he was in jail for I believe 8 or 9 years. in my mind, I'm thinking... My experience has told me that guys who have been to prison for more than five years, have a high chance of a past of getting down with other guys. I ask him a couple questions about prison, the fact that he is 40 and no kids or a current wife, is divorced though...lmao...I mean I was fishing for a clue that he has gotten with a guy before.

I got up to go to the bathroom, and that's when I noticed that sexy red bone had given me a semi hard on.Hoping he is so engrossed in Maury he doesn't notice through my polyester long gym pants, that I was wearing, but I think he did. Anyway, I return and after adjusting and well...getting myself back down. I don't remember exactly but we got on the topic about life. Perhaps us being in a hospital..anyway, we are more specifically talking about types of people in life, and how they live them. I think it stemmed from one of my questions about prison. Either way he started talking about how you have people who live on the rails and those who live in their shell. Tis post is already a couple paragraphs past too long, so let me try to sum this up nice a sweet. Because of the way he was raise poor, with a single mother, and quite a few siblings, he had to grow up fast, and learned to live life on the edge, i.e. selling drugs and etc. The etc. is what I was interested in. Blah blah... he makes the statement that he can tell I am a "Shell" person. He continues that I am the type of person that take be cause to really way the pros and cons of things. That I just don't do things, I think about them greatly...that I worry about the right thing first instead of just doing things...that I worry about what people will say...worry about the repercussions of the situation first, before anything else. All I can say, is that "What makes you so sure, you got me pinned?" Meanwhile I'm thinking Dang, is that me? Am I a Shell person. He then starts to question me like I was doing to him earlier, about what makes me not a "shell" person. It's as if he is testing me. I want so badly to ask him to meet me in the bathroom, and just do some crazy as things. It was as if he knew that's what I wanted too and he wanted to prove he was right. He then says,"Face it you are are one of those people who doesn't worry about what makes you happy, but about making the right decision, and what people will think or what will happen if you make the wrong decision. I do what I want, and don't give a damn what some one says about it.I done almaost everything imaginable, I don't put all my businessout there, but I don't care what someone is going to think or say either. It was as if he was reading my mind, because I was struggling with myself, in making a move or not. I kept thinking, I've never been that bold with some guy, that I didn't know for sure got down...well at least not during day hours. Then there was the whole my mother, and what was going on with her, this was inappropriate what I was thinking or what I wanted to do, but then again sex does make me feel better. Then there was the fact that my family was just in the next room, what if he didn't get down and the assault part of him comes out...what if even though though it was a very quite men's bathroom, I mean I think we were the only men who had used it, in all these hours...what if we got caught, and my family got whiff of it. I can't let my secret out like that. I can't be careless this close to home. This debate was just going through my mind. As I got quite he leans back with a slight smirk, as if he knew what I was thinking and that he was right. My leg is bouncing hard. I want to prove him wrong, although he is right...His eyes go back to the T.V...I think to myself Oh screw it, I'm going for it!...Right then like on cue or something the nurse comes out and calls him in, his sister is out of her procedure. He gets up and I'm left in my shell.

A little while later it is time for us to take my mother home. On to another obstacle...