The Dreaded Third Wheel, In My Threesome!

Literally a few hours ago, I just came in from a threesome. This would be my second one. Now I don't know that any of my current readers were around for my post of my first threesome, but it actually happened the night I first started to blog. It wasn't my first post but my second and third. Anyway I count that as one of my greatest sexual experiences. This post was actually suppose to be about Von. I hadn't talked much about him at all, but he's still around. I've been trying to work on that post since like Sunday, but I get distracted by something else, and it unfortunately never got finished. So to not distract myself, by other blogs. I had made myself not comment or view other blogs, until I wrote a post of my own. That's why I may have been AWOL or a no show from my regular blogs. However today I'm going to try my best to make comments and reads. There is so much that has been going on with me in the last few weeks, and I wish I could find the time...well there is time, so find the discipline to write the things down. So many things I wanted to talk about. I believe those things and events is what led to the events of tonight.

I'm not going to go into those things..at least not right now, but I think my actions have all spawn from my last book of the moment, Pleasures by Eric Jerome Dickey. I did finally finish it, but like many things haven't gotten around to posting my book review. Anyway I will just say this it for some reason left me energized to have a...I guess ultimate sexy, sensuous, pleasurable sex life. I mean it really left me feeling sexy. So for the past couple of weeks, I have been trying to have a more adventurous approach and attitude to fulfill pleasure in my life...well sexually. What I got was one crazy mix up disastrous adventure after the other. In the end it all left me feeling sexually jinx and product of bad karma...and so on. That is until tonight.

I went to the gym late last night..why I really don't know. I guess I just had to get out. I really wasn't in the mood to work out, and I guess I was just messing around in the gym . Not really working up a sweat. I guess I was a little sexually frustrated, and thought that this would be a good release. I wasn't so much frustrated from not having sex, but so many close calls in the past few weeks and nothing to show for it...meaning either no sex, or no "climax," exactly. Instead of going back home, I decided to hit this hot spot, that your bound to hook up with someone. It's actually not to far from the area I met the guys from my first threesome. I call it my DL hookup area. There is this gay bar, that is in the middle of a lot of nightlife. You have restaurants and bars, and straight clubs right around this gay club. It's also right beside a college area, so depending on the nights, the area is packed. Now I have found that because of these reasons, you are bound to find someone whether DL, Discreet, or Out...Straight, Bi, Bi- Curious, Or the other "Straight"...all in this area. Why I decided to head out there on a Wednesday night beats me, usually the area isn't banging until Thursday. I guess I was looking for a hot random meeting, that would lead to something else.

I'm going to try and keep this short and sweet. I met this guy Sean, who actually I met briefly earlier this year. I gave him my number he didn't call, said tonight that he actually wanted to call, but he lost the piece of paper that I wrote my number on...blah blah blah...sure whatever, you want to do something tonight, since we never met to hookup or to at least see what was up, when we met earlier this year. He says sure...he is cute I liked him. We leave his car parked as he gets into my car, and I guess drive around. Just talking at first, and then without looking at me he creeps his hands across my arm rest and plays with my hand, while looking outside the passenger window. Never looking at me. While he his hand plays with my pinky finger, I move this party to a hold new level. I boldly reach other and grab his crotch. Yeah I know.... real subtle. I just wasn't in a playing quo mood. I had one thing on my mind... my climax, and just finally having a sexual experience follow through.

Well not to long after we leave, Sean spots this SUV at a stoplight he saw earlier. Wonder why this SUV has been circling the block over and over again and stopping randomly. I mention that I saw the SUV earlier too, and I think that the driver is looking to get into something. When he saw the person earlier that night, he thought it was a big girl, from all the long braids. I correct him, and tell him that it is a guy with long dreads,I was really admiring his truck earlier , when I saw the truck. It was a 08 fully loaded, with rims and the whole shebang, looking like it was right off the car lot. Anyway, Sean tells me to follow the truck to see what this guy is up to. He says he is self proclaimed nosy person. I follow the truck and at the next stop light I pull up beside it. The guy looks over and does a head nod I do the same, and roll down my window. He rolls down his too. I quickly and again boldly asks him, what is he up to. He says, "Nothing just riding around." The light turns green, I look at Sean and he's not even paying any attention his head is down going through his cell phone. He got me to follow this truck to see what is up with this guy and he's not even paying any attention. I tell the guy to pull over for a minute and lets talk. So the guy pulls up to the curb. I ask Sean what does he want to know from this guy....He's like I don't know. I ask him does he want to do a threesome or something. He says he's never done that before, and doesn't really like the idea of it. I'm like I done got this guy to pull over, I need a reason as to why, and he really hasn't given me a reason too. Well I pull over in front of the Suv, and we both wait. Sean tells me, that he should come to us, but that guy didn't move, so I get out of my car and head back there, to Dreads car. Now even though, I think Sean isn't interested in any sort of threesome, but was just curious about this guy, I am, so I head to his car to see what was up. Inspired once again by the book I read, and the main characters two lovers, I want me another threesome. He unlocks his door. We talk for a minute. He asks me did, he see another guy in my Suv, and I tell him yeah. He's all shocked, I leave what he thinks is my man, to talk to another guy. I explained that he is not my man, and it was his idea to track him down , and to see what was up with him.

Let's fast forward to the other guy locking up his car and following me back to my car to talk to Sean. Now in my little nasty perverted mind, I'm thinking I'm going to get these two guys into a hot threesome. Now Sean seems pissed that Dreads is here, at first. Anyway we all are talking, and basically Dreads is asking sexual question about his two new "friends" and we are answering. Blah blah Blah....Me and Sean are DL and Dreads is Out but not vocal about it... Me and Sean are in our 20s but Dreads is 40 however really doesn't look it... Me and Sean single and Dreads just got out a 16 year relationship, with some dude. Blah blah blah we talk some more. Sean is getting anxious and says, look what up with me, are we still going to do something. I'm torn now, because, well I don't think he wants a threesome, and Me and my actions has this guy other guy here, and I don't know how to tell him, that it's been real, but me and Sean got to go. That's when he informs us, that he is going wherever we go, because he wants to watch.

Sean doesn't say anything. I ask him over and over, again is he cool with it and he just sorta groins. Then he says that I am going to need to speak up and say what I want. In the back of my mind I still want a hot steamy threesome, however this changes that fantasy. I wanted threesome, not some guy watching us. Now I don't mind watching, but having some person just sit there and watch, is a whole other story. I drive off waiting for Sean to speak up and say, he wants me to drop him off as his car, but he doesn't. All he says is what ever we do, we need to decide quick to do it and do it, because he has to get home and get some sleep and get ready for work, because he had to be at work at 8 am.

Cut to us at the park. Since none of us wanted to take this little party to our place, we went to the place Dreads wanted to go this huge park, with a a huge man made lake. This park is surrounded, by projects and low income houses on one side, and old money white historical homes, on the other side. The park is huge and intricate and it's were I here a lot of sex happens. I myself had not been there since my dad took me, when I was 8 to feed the geese and ride water paddles. This was by far a whole new experience. In the middle of the night, and with sex in tole. We stop by some picnic tables, that over look part of the huge lake. It's dark and I'm nervous now. Dreads gets out to go pee, and I ask Sean is he sure he wants to do this. He is quite and and doesn't say anything. I get out truck and I walk around to the passenger side. He doesn't move. I open the door. Dreads comes back and ask are we doing this or what. I look and Sean and grab his hand, and we walk to the picnic tables. The are wet, from the rain earlier, so those are out. We are all just standing there. When Dreads walks over to Sean and reaches into his pants to pull out his dick. I ask him, "I thought you were just watching?"

Now I'm not going to get detailed about the actual sex, but I will say this. It started off good. A little touching her, a little tongue there, a little oral there, and so on. However Dreads, our supposed watcher, was directing, and then he grinds on Sean, talking about how he wish he had condoms. He becomes more than a watcher. For some reason the more we did, the more I was getting out of it. I wasn't feeling sexy and self assured as I did earlier that night with them, because the both of them at one time was always grabbing or touching my ass. Now one of the many things I wanted to post about recently is my nerves. I have really bad nerves, and now they are producing whelps and rashes all over my body. I'm on nerve medicine and expensive medicated creams. Although they are not noticeable badly on my upper body they still are on my hips, butt and lower legs. The more my ass was touched the more I got self conscience, about my butt and hips. Then there was the Dreads and Sean thing. Dreads was all over Sean's jock literally. Going on about how "He wish he had a condom to do Sean sweet ass", or "How Sean's dick was so huge he wish he could fill it inside of him, blah blah blah." Now I sorta brought the three of us together, well I invited Dreads to my car to talk with me and Sean, but some how I felt like a third wheel. It was just going down hill for me. I kept backing away and Sean kept pulling me back in. Even though he was the most nervous, and every time we saw a light or a thought that a car was coming, he was pulling his pants up rushing to get back to the car and into the car...he was really into the whole thing. For someone who didn't want to even do it it he was enjoying it. However I wasn't I had started to lose my erection all together. Which was truly a first for me. It was gone and withdrawn. I had stepped away again and my head was somewhere else, when one last car freaked Sean so bad, he jumped back into the car. I was ready to go at this point so I got back behind the wheel. We left back to Dreads and Sean's car. The only difference this time was Sean was in the back seat with Dreads.

So as I am driving, the two of them are in the back seat, having, what sounds like a good ole time. I am not sure at all what they did, because I didn't look back once. Not even the rear view mirror. I kept thinking about what had just happen. How a threesome I wanted, ended with me being the third wheel and the other two in the threesome in my backseat having the pleasurable time I was suppose to be having. apparently my whole demeanor had changed, because between moans and laughing, a concerned Sean kept asking me was I okay and why was I so quiet. I just would give him, a I'm cool and they would go back to whatever is they were doing.

When we get back to Dreads car, I'm just so ready for him to get out. I wasn't feeling him anymore. With all those damn gold teeth, if I had seen them when he was in his car, I would have rolled then, but can you do. Sean who came out of his shell, asked me when we stopped, did I want to come back there and join them. I declined, and made the excuse about there not being enough room back there for me. They both not to long after that straightens, up their clothes. I'm ready at this point to just go home. Earlier Sean had got Dreads number, but not mine, because I told him that he was just going to loose it. When he got out, to go to his car, he says "I have ever body's number from the car, but one...To bad I guess" and he grins at me. I give him my number again, but I don't expect a phone call.

Here I have been thinking that it is my bad sexual karma and all kinds of other reason as to why I had disastrous sexual experiences, and now I know. IT'S BECAUSE OF ME!!! Here I had what I wanted a possible hot new threesome, and I just become a huge disappointment. A wet third wheel and a drag. The guy would sorta brings the threesome together becomes the outsider of it. If I was Sean I wouldn't call me. I didn't bring anything to the show, but a flaccid dick. I didn't even offer my number to Dreads, I didn't want his and I could care less if I saw him again. This just shows you that a hot car and sexy hairstyle, doesn't mean you will find someone attractive. Which hasn't always been the case for me. I have actually thought someone was a lot cuter once I saw there car, however tonight was not the night.

The Secret About the Secret Blog is...

For the past couple weeks, I have gotten emails from fellow bloggers and from fellow readers who don't normally comment but read my blog, about my other secret blog, that you see on my profile page. Well the secret about this blog, is that there is No Secret! I do not write on this other blog, it's hard for me to sit down and write on this one, on a regular like I should, I mean I have half written post all over the place, but it's hard to sit down and finish, and tell you guys what's going on like I should, let alone to sit down and write on another secret blog. I have discussed everything from my first time with a guy, to threesomes, to sleeping with a pastor, to things that made me cry, to things, that embarrassed me...I have pretty much been candid on some private things in my life, well my sexual life and my enter thoughts, that was the purpose of me starting this blog. I talk about some things, that I could never...well would never tell anyone else, in my offline life, so at this time the other blog, doesn't have anything written in it.

The purpose of the other blog, was to have a playground to experiment, in creating a new layout or design for this blog. I'm kinda bored with it already, and I want something new and fun. I created the secret blog, to come up with some ideas, and experiment. I didn't want to try it out on this blog, so I set up the other one to try out things. However I still feel limited, in what I can do. I think I am going to have to go into HTML territory, to really get, what I'm trying to achieve, and well I really don't want to... or well don't know if I can anymore. I haven't done that kinda stuff, since like freshman year, in high school, and I really don't remember that much about it.

Anyway, I don't want anyone felling left out, like they are shut out, from some secrets I'm holding back... because that's not happening. However this has shown me I have a lot of secret readers, who don't say a thing, but tell me, they read whenever I do manage to post...it's left me with a hmm.

Since people are pulling out the emails, to contact me about the secret blog, y'all can email me, with some ideas, on what I could do, as far as my blog goes. I want something that allows me to have a little more freedom, with my layout, and where I can put things, yet still captures me.

Llody teaches lessons in love...

I'm so glad, that some new male R&B, has arrived. Not that I haven't been loving Raheem Davaugh, Lyfe Jennings, and all the other neyo-soul out there, both female and male, but I need something else, I wanted some body moving and up tempo R&B music....However I didn't get that with Lloyd's Lesson in Love either.

I really loved Llody's last album Street Love, which I think was highly under rated, so I thought that, Lesson in Love was going to be a continuation, of that album. It was in the since of it having a lot of mid tempo, love ballad songs. He is one of our great falsettos that we have right now next to Robin Thicke. This is a great album, for getting busy or messing around, with your love one, but not great for working out with, trust me I tried. I'm still feeling it, because it's fresh and new. I was really feeling the second single and pretty much only up tempo song, "Girls Around the World", feat. Lil Wayne, its a sample of Rakin and Eric B's "Paid in Full". It's filled with some great ballad songs, like "Treat You Good" and "Year of the Lover." My Favorites are the sexual laces songs like "Sex Education" and "Love Making 101", which isn't really about making love.

My "Ah that's my Jam" of the moment is Robin Thicke's Magic. I'm really feeling the song and the video. After his last album the Evolution of Robin Thicke, he isn't planning on waiting a few years to bring us more great music, like he did after his first album. I'm really feeling this joint, and he does have the magic, because he is everywhere writing and producing.



My "Ah that's my Jam II" of the moment is James Fortune and Fiya's "I Trust You." It being the song I heard not to long after, getting the inspiration fro my last post. It really is speaking to my soul. When everybody let's you down, and you feel you have nothing left...all you can do is trust in the lord, because he will see you through it all, and be there for you. Just trust in him and everything will work out for the good.

My Throwback of heavy rotation is Ginuwine's The Bachelor album. Before Lloyd's new album, I was in need of some good old fashion R&B, and I wanted a male's voice too, I pulled this out. It being one of my favorite albums from him. I remember first seeing the "Pony" video like it was yesterday. This is when Ginuwine was on fire, and before he settled down and started poppin out babies left and right with Sole`. When there was all those rumors about him being a former stripper and everything. Damn he was sexy. I even love his version, of one on my favorite songs "When Doves Cry." These was the day when Timberland used to produce for black people. ManI wish they could reunite for Ginuwines's next album.

My Inspriational Music of the moment is Dorinda Clark-Cole's Take It Back. Dorinda didn't waste anytime after the recent release of the Clark Sister's aledgedy last album, to come out with another one of her solo efforts. However it was originally pushed back becasue of the groups last album and touring. Dorinda i would have to say one of my favorites of the Clark Sisters. The lead single and title of her album "Take It back" is a great athem in claiming what is yaours and what God has promised you back from the devil and those who steal your Joy. As always Dorinda brings you the down home soul shacking organ bumbing gospel music, that feeds your soul.

Lord, here's my Vision...Make Me Over!

Today a incident with the champagne on a beer budget cousin just led me to breakdown a pray. It wasn't anything big, but it really got me thinking that I need God to put a renewal in my spirit. I know I don't do all the things that I should do, and one of those things is pray. I don't think...well no, I know I don't pray like I should. It's something that I have been taught since, as early as I can remember, but something I don't do as often as I know I should. however in this time in my life and in my family I think it's something I need to do more than ever. Every time I turn around there is something else, going on in my family, and it has truly gotten to a point, that I don't recognize them or me. I have changed myself and not for the better. I feel that I'm on a declining pathway. I feel my get up and go, my work ethic, my positivity, my optimism, my strive for the best, has all left me. Right before my little breakdown today, I couldn't help but think, God I want to sleep..sometimes I feel like I could just sleep forever. Sometimes I think it's depression and sometimes I think it's just laziness. Sometimes its so hard for me to drag myself out of bed. When I get out of bed I have such anger and resentment towards some people. I have unfortunately always been a person who held his anger, irritation, resentment, and frustration in...well until I explode. I think as I get older those feelings, which once exploded into wards or yelling, and now turning towards other things. Today with my cousin, I was driving him somewhere, since he has car trouble since the time of the credit card fiasco he put me in. A lot of people in my family are upset, that I'm now driving him around after what he did, to tell you the truth I still not sure why I'm doing it myself, but I know I have resentment every time I pick him up. That resentment frustrates me so much that I literally contemplate as I drive, pushing his head through the passenger window. No joke I literally sit there as I'm driving and I image myself doing serious bodily harm to him...Call me silly but I know that's not right.

As I was driving tonight there was two songs, that just rung in my soul, that I heard as my confirmations....James Fortune's "I Trust" and Tonex`'s "Lord Make Me Over." I felt they were for me. So as I was in my car by myself, I just started to pray to God. For some reason my car seems to be the place I do my best heart to heart with God. There was this recent episode of Run's House, where they were talking about Prayer notes, and how God reads your note and your heart as you write to him. I never written a prayer note before, but the bible does say "Write down the vision, and make it plain upon the tables, and he that readeth may run with it." Although this is a prayer and not necessarily a vision of anything concrete, it is a vision for me.

Dear Heavenly Father,

I write this in pursuit for you to renew my heart and soul, Lord. To break this spirit of depression and sorrow in my heart. To change my heart from heaviness, to joy again. Give me the drive to Lord to get up and go, and do the things I need to do and be. Take away any restraints of laziness, and give me the light of will power, and determination. I know that some things are within me, and only I can do, but release these things in me. Lord take away any ugliness in my heart. Take away anger and resentment and replace it with understanding and joy. Lord put me on a pathway to be a better man, that I know I can me. A pathway to being a better man, than those who I know and love. Let me be the example of what is right and not just another example as to what is wrong. Lord speak to me, in a way that allows me to make the right decisions regarding my future and destiny. Lord, help me be the shinning light I know I am. A man of God. Let me be a blessing to others.

Lord I'm ready for a change, create in me a clean heart, and renewed mind and soul, Lord. I trust that everything that my family is going through is for the greater good and your purpose and glory. I trust that everything will work out for the good. I know I don't do the things I should do and pray to you like I should, but I need a change. You said that write the vision down and make it plain, this is my vision for my self plain and clear. Do your work in me, Lord.

In Jesus name I pray and write this Amen.

Continuance of My Failed shot at Abstinence...

I got a few comments on the post before last, about, who the other guy was, that I mentioned. I will get to him later.

After parting ways with Chris in that parking lot that that morning, I was left feeling calm and energized. I think it's that something new feeling. That feeling you get at the very beginning of something you think is going to be filled with great possibilities. Now granted I had only just met him, but I felt like we were in sync with each... on the same page.... I felt we made a quick connection. I have found that sometimes that just happens. I have met friend that I just instantly clicked with, and felt like this was one of those times. We had a no hold bars, easy going, instant easily 4 or more hour conversation. That basically I ended, because I was tired and it was Sunday. I believe he could have kept going. I mean I think he wanted to go on in more ways than one. I was so proud how I had self control not to go farther, with him, right then. Now I know that I still wasn't innocent, in that I groped him, well unzipped his pants and groped him, as we were kissing, but I think that this is still progress. I felt he was feeling me and I was feeling him.

Now granted technically I didn't fall off of my abstinence journey yet, with that little encounter, but I was done for the week yet. Now I didn't finally connect with Chris until later that week. Now I wasn't going to contact him, for a couple days. That was my plan, didn't want to seem needy or what not, so I never contact right away. If he decided to call me right away...well eh alrighty then... but I wasn't calling him first. After the 3 day grace period, which is the not to soon, but not too far off appropriate time period. I decided to call him. As I was about to call him, I thought about the last of our conversation, and Chris's kinda insecure questioning about whether I was going to call him like I said I would but him not believing me, and me responding with, "..well you know the phone works both ways."

I also started to think about how I made all the first moves, from the talking to him first... to the coming out and asking him does he get down with men or not...to even the first kiss...As I was thinking, I decided that I'm not going to call him first, he can call me first, so I decided to wait it out a little longer.

I really didn't give it a second thought anymore, for a couple of days...until that Friday night. I don't know what it is about Friday and Saturday nights, that makes you think about love interest, dates, sex, and just extracurricular activities overall, with the sex of your choice. I thought about the whole not calling him some more, and thought well maybe I was wrong in my thinking. Maybe he just wasn't that kinda of guy who can make the first move. Even though he has been getting with guys the same about of time I have, I was a little more experienced at it, than him. He was pretty much taking the from my lead, that night. I decided to compromise with myself. I really didn't want to call him first, but I wanted to reach out at least, so I decided on texting him first.... I know what y'all are thinking...but that made me feel better, on caving in.

It took me a couple of minutes to come up with the right first text. I didn't want ti to be boring or your typical "What's up," "Hey," or "What's Good." Besides those short little cute greetings isn't my style anyway, I really don't know what to call my style, but I know that isn't it. After coming up with it, it was around the same time in the morning we had met, so sent him the message and here's how it went...

Me: Do you know what tomorrow around the same right now will be?
Chris: Who Dis! (Now I expected something better that that or just a what)
Me: Lol... yeah okay. (I thought he was joking, because it took a week for me to contact him)

Chris: Naw 4real who dis

Me: Are you serious? (I was a little confused since I had seen him type my information into his

phone and saved it)

Chris: Yea. Got a new phone ( Truth or excuse?)

Me: Yeah...sure whatever (yeah I had copped an attitude... I get it)

Chris: Oh yeah I remember ( Now suddenly he remembers...Not sure if he did or not...)

Me: So...

He didn't respond anymore after that, and neither did I. If he did remember, it didn't move him to say anymore. I really didn't know what to think about that. Now as I think about it, I don't know what I expected from that text conversation, but I thought it would go a whole lot better than that. I then decided to email a fellow blogger, who had a not so old post about relationship commandments or when you first meet someone things you shouldn't do. I don't know why but they stood in my mind. I really can't ask family and friends this, for obvious reasons. If you are slow and don't know, just look at the name of my blog. I explained to them the whole thing and they sent me an email back, explaining that not everyone, you are into are going to me into you...there's plenty fish in the sea.... and don't call him anymore, because if he was really into me, then he would have at least remembered you...which she had valid point to. I though long and hard about what they said. I had thought about the same thing, before they got back to me with an answer. I had actually decided I was just going to let the whole Chris thing go. I wasn't the bugaboo type...actually I never call or text guys first, so this was all new to me. However, actually after getting Southern Gal's email, it did the reverse impact on me, and a couple days later I did it again, because I just didn't get it.

Me: Yo, are you busy?

Chris: Who Dis (At least he is consistent, I'm guessing that's one of his quick texts)

Me: Young

Chris: O whats good wit u

Me: Got a problem

Chris: What

Me: Well this dude I met last weekend keeps giving me the who dis line and I don't get it.

Chris: Bad memory..lol

Me. So it has nothing to do, with you not wanting to talk to me, cuz I was going to step off.

Chris:________ ( Flat line because he didn't respond anymore after that)

After that I didn't text or say anything further on. I was confused as to what happen. What happen to the guy who was feeling me. The guy who was concerned about whether or not I was going to call him or not. The guy who was a little upset, that I didn't save his info in my phone right away. I JUST DIDN'T GET IT!

Now even though this part is going to make this a really long post. I'm going to go in, on the other guy, Von. I met Von the week of meeting Chris and then texting Chris. I met Von at a drug store. Here's the short version. After seeing him around the store a couple times. When I'm at the register, and so is he. He is looking at me all intense. He finally says "Yo son, you look familiar... don't I know you?" I mentioned how he look familiar too, but I didn't know from where. blah blah blah He mentions how he has a twin, maybe he knows me through him. I suddenly remember that I did meet a guy once, that talked about how he had a twin, and that maybe he does look like that guy. I mention how this guy though had cornrows. Von gets excited, and says,"Yo that was me, I had cornrows." He asks me for a lift a couple blocks to his house. I gave him one. Still didn't remember him exactly or what we did. Neither did he, but we did figure out, that maybe got down, because he mentioned how him and his twin both get down. Crazy I know, but what he said. He asks me for a lift a couple blocks to his house. We talk some more...blah blah blah, he asks for my number. I gave it to him. Didn't bother asking for his, because at the time I was still excited about Chris. So that's how I got reacquainted with Von.

Von was actually my rebound after that last text with Chris. A little pissed off that the whole Chris thing. Von called right on time. He called me not to long after my last text to Chris. I needed something....At this point I had been good for close to a month. I hadn't had any sex. Trying hard, to turn over my bad ways. Look for something more than just sex... a little connection. Got the little connection, and nothing came from that. I decided to go with the guy who was feeling me. The sex was cool, but nothing exciting, the first time. That is until the next time.

Tired of writing, will talk about Von some more later. The fact is that my period of abstinence is so over!

Birthdays.... I guess?

Post post Changes: I usually don't like making changes to my post after the first comment has been made, but I wanted to make a special shout out to, two fellow bloggers, who had their birthdays this past week.
Happy Birthday to Southern Gal and Lady Nay Nay!!!!
Also in response to Corey Keith, no my birthday isn't anytime soon, I just talked about birthdays because that was the theme of the month... my birthday isn't until next year ...Thank you Jesus... my birthday has actually past since I started my blog, I didn't mention it becasue well as you will learn from my regular written post below, that isn't my style....

Okay I usually don't like doing the random several things on my mind posts. I generally like to keep my post focused around one thing, but I need to say a few things, so here it is.

First lets get the theme of the month out before a new month comes around. I usually have posted my post about the theme by this time of the month, but well laziness and the whole nothing real exciting to say about the theme has sorta made me procrastinate about the theme, which by the way is Birthdays. Before I go into whatever it is I'm going to say about Birthdays let me just tell you guys about one thing.

Now I get the theme of the month from a fellow blogger Lady Nay. Now I don't know if she comes up with the themes or if she gets it from another blogger, but I've been following her lead in the themes. Well I think it was a week or so ago, I was up late just catching up and reading fellow blogs. I was also reading some new blogs...or shall I say new blogs to me. Now there is this blogger, that for some reason I didn't think had a blog. I just thought they leave comments on others blogs, but didn't actually have a blog. The reason so, was because I had tried to check out there blog once before, when I got a message saying I had been banned from their blog. For some dumb reason I thought it was like a joke, that everybody got who tried to visit this fellow bloggers' blog. The reason I thought this, was because I didn't understand any other reason as to why I would be banned, in my mind I had never even visited this person's blog in the first place let alone have reason to be banned. However for some reason, I decided that night to see if they had finally decided to start their own blog. To my surprise they had...in fact they had an amazing deck out site. As I'm exploring and surfing their site, I read their recent post about the birthday theme of the month. It was a little disturbing, they mentioned something about holding a gun to their mouth when it comes to their birthday and whatnot. They also mentioned their girlfriend Val, which seemed kinda familiar. After reading a bit more, it hit me, I had been to this blog once before, right when I first started blogging. I'm surfing their site some more when I get to a disclaimer for the site. The disclaimer mentions how they keep track of IP addresses and lurkers or people who visits the site and doesn't leave comments and whatnot, can be banned. It then hits me that I had been banned from a site I barely even remember...and I start to laugh. I decided to leave a comment on their recent post, about how I was banned and didn't even really know why or remembered going to their blog except for remembering the Val person they talk about. I also stated how I felt like a naughty employee looking at cyber porn, and their employer was watching their every move online, by like a web nanny type thing, because this blogger was watching IP addresses, and every move you made on their site. I was taking it light hearted and thought the whole thing was funny. Well a few days later I go to check out what they said, because I noticed this blogger makes follow up comments individually to ever comment. I wanted to see if they thought the whole thing was funny too. That's when I found out that I had been banned once again from this person's blog...LMAO it makes me laugh even right now. I think it's so funny. Now I'm not the type to name names and blow any body spot up, so I'm not going to say that it was FreakyDeaky of Freakytopia I think it is, that banned me not once but twice people from their blog...I'm just not going to do blow FreakyDeaky spot up like that...LOL.

Anyway I don't have much to say on birthdays. I hate my birthdays, I don't like getting another year older...I mean I'm glad that God allowed me to see another year and blah blah blah, but I don't like getting older. It always makes me think about life and my timeline. in the 8th grade we had to make a timeline of our future plans. I was remember having my life plotted out to the year. At my age now, I should have received my Bachelors and either was working on my Masters or have started my amazing career as an Architect. I would be married with a dog, to the love of my life, my college sweetheart. I had read somewhere that most people met their future spouses in college. I would have gotten an academic scholarship of course to at the time, GMU. We would be living in my middle class starter home, with my bride and dog... kids come when we are 25, need our alone time before the two children come. By 30 we will be ready financially to move into out 5 bedroom dream home that I would have designed for us and the kids. I know it sounds childish and unrealistic, but this is truly a plan that I thought about all through high school. All my birthday does is remind me how I'm not where I'm suppose to be at my age, on that dumb ass time line. I get and understand that plans change, life changes, but I'm no where near that plan. I didn't go to that schoolI'm so lost on my future career path, still trying to get that Bachelors, let alone my Masters, and I think it is needless to say how far away I am from getting married. Does anyone think me secretly loving dick has any connection at all?...LOL

I use to love my birthdays as a child. I use to have parities and all that. I use to think my birthday was something magical. That one special thing about you. I never really dawned on me that so many people share your same day to. I guess it didn't matter as long as those people who share your day, aren't in your life to steal your shine. There were a couple parties I remember vividly. There was the one with the clown at my house. I thought that was amazing, Everyone came. There was the one where my aunt came in, from out of town, and took all of my friends and everyone from my bus stop to Chucky Cheese's on her, and I suddenly had older elementary school kids as friends. Then there was the one when I was still in private school, and I had this Mickey Mouse surprise party. Everybody thought I was special, because nobody had a party at school, I don't know why I did. The one thing i remember odd about that day, was nobody had to where their uniforms that day. Don't remember why, but I think that was my one and only surprise party. Then I remember the black wish list party. This was the party, when my parents were going through their separation, before the big split. I wanted everything in black for my birthday. I think I was about 8. In retrospect I'm sure a child therapist would have something to say on the link between what was going on between my parents and me wanting everything in black. Maybe that was my way of going through depression, but I wanted my whole room black for my birthday present. Me and my mom negotiated, and we settled on black and white. She thought all black was a bit severe for a child, but I was adamant about the black part. So for my birthday I got a new black and white room. Everything from a black and white lamp... to black and white drapes...to bedding... to rugs...to a black and white trash can. I think it wasn't shocking because I think I was always mature for my age. I however didn't get the black carpet or black walls, but I was cool.

I don't exactly remember when my views on my birthday changed, but they did. It really doesn't feel special anymore. Sometimes I wish I could get that feeling again. The big ones didn't do anything to capture that essence either. I really didn't see anything special about the 16 , or 18, or even the big 2-1. I learned to drive and got my license on the 16th, I went and registered to vote on the 18 and on the 2-1 I don't drink so what I could buy porn legally then, but that was it.

Now people drag me to celebrate. I usually get treated, which I hate, because for some reason, I feel like I have to be conservative on what I spend. Sometimes I just rather get whatever the hell I want, and pay for it myself...I feel more comfortable that way. What I really wish is that people just leave me the hell alone for my birthday, and just give me whatever money or gift that I'm sure I will return and let me spend it alone with a pizza and all the soda my heart desire, with a cake...no a pie... or anything that will melt ice cream, and let me call it a day. Or maybe one day my birthday will be that magical day again, that only I posses.

Well, anyway I guess this post did end up being centered around one thing after all, I'm just going to have to get to those other random things on a later post. It really was my mission to get to it all today, but I don't feel like it now.

A Failed Shot at Abstinence...

Okay, I need to catch you guys up on things..after my Separation of Hoeness posts...so that you know whats going on now. A lot has happen since then.

Well, after that night, I thought it was time for a change. I felt that was my rock bottom. That night was kinda low for me. I just thought that maybe I needed a change. I kept thinking about that passage I read once. About how someone compared themselves to a mirror, and every time they had meaningless partners and sex, that it was like another smudge on their mirror. I just felt like after that night, especially with Robbie, that I was losing myself, and couldn't see myself from all my smudges on my mirror. Then there I was standing with a few of my smudges looking at me and knew each other.

Well after that I decided that I need a change, so after much thinking and self debate, that night, I decided to become abstinent. I decided to become abstinent until...I guess I found or at least decided about what it is that I really want or expected from sex. I knew celibacy was a hopeless goal. I just knew that was something I was going to set myself up to fail, so I decided abstinence was better in some way. Now by definition, abstinence is, self denial and self restrain of personal indulgences, in order for a higher purpose. They also used conserving economic resources, in order to build up a higher capital goal. Well I guess my higher purpose or my ultimate capital goal, was to have a better connection and have some sort of feelings, when it comes to my future partners.

That's what I thought when I met 2 guys, two and a half weeks after my vow of abstinence. Now let me be the first to say, yes I know 2 and a half weeks isn't much. Especially after another fellow blogger, who shall remain nameless, CaseyKeys told me they were celibate and for a while. It actually made me a bit sad, that I only made it two and a half weeks. Now I'm not saying that's the longest I can go with out sex, I mean I have went a lot longer, but due to other reasons, like busy schedule...not being in the mood...work...other things in my life, that makes me even forget that I'm not getting any. However this is the first time I took a logical choice and decision, in not having sex. Which seems a lot harder, than being so busy, that you don't have time to even think about it. I thought about it even more.

Well the first taste of me leaving my abstinence behind, was this guy, Chris. Now I've told one blogger briefly about Chris, because of a series of post they did called "You have no chance with me" Commandments. Anyway I went out a couple weeks after my night with Robbie fiasco, it was another after hours restaurant college hangout place. I was hanging out by myself and so was this other guy. Well we made this eye connection thing. See the thing about DL guys, I don't know what it is, but from my personal experience it's all about the eyes. I don't want to exactly call it gaydar, but it's something in the eyes. I think it's that inappropriate length of eye contact. That stolen glances that last to long or happen to frequently to be a complete heterosexual look at another man. Well, it happen a few times, but the thing is, there is usually something slightly friendly in the eyes. That knowing look, but he was giving me nothing, so I thought maybe it was just a straight guy wondering why I was looking at him, but I was thinking why was he looking at me first. So after much thought about, why was I even there. I should be home thinking about something other than guys and sex, but you know how it is when you try hard not to think about something, and all it does is make you think about it more. However I left. I made a quick stop at 7-11, after leaving there at the stop light, in the car beside mine, was that guy I saw earlier, Chris. I gave him the guy what's up head nod, he gave me one back, but it was barely one and nothing really behind it, so I just let it go. Well when we got to the next stop light he was going the same direction as me. The same thing... I would look over, and he was already looking at me, but out the side of his eye.I knew something was up, it was just a gut feeling I had, and usually when I have them, I'm usually correct. I decided to see what was up with this guy. I look straight ahead as I roll down my window...as if saying I'm not rolling down my window to talk but just because, then I look at them. If he rolled down his window, even just casually right after I do. Then make a move. I haven't talked about this before, but I have met guys at stoplights before, who are in other cars. I 'm going to have to make a point to remember to post about that one day. So I knew what I was doing this night. Anyway he already had his window cracked a bit, but just like I thought, he rolled it down even more. At the third stop light, when we glanced at each other I took the chance this time to say something. I threw him a "What's Good?" opening and his face just suddenly warmed up, and he was like, "Nothing much... what's going on with you?" The light changed green and since at that moment there was no car's behind us we kept on with the pleasantries, another good sign something maybe up. I replied to his question, with a nothing much just hangin' ad chillin', you? He gave me some answer similar to that, That's when other cars from the stop light behind us was coming, and I said to him follow me. He was slow with his answer, but he said "aiight."

So he followed me as I turned off that main busy street off to the side street. I pulled up into a empty business parking lot. The fact that he followed me, was a clear first sign that he wasn't a complete heterosexual. So I knew something was up with him, but I wasn't sure yet, but I was about to find out. So he pulls up right beside me. Now my thoughts were we were going to talk a little more though our car windows, but to my surprise he gets out, right after he pulls up beside me. This means either two different things. Either trouble, which I felt in my car door to see if I had my just in case something happens knife handy, or that most definitely he gets down, because why would a straight guy do that. He comes to my window, he said because he didn't want to talk through cars anymore... I'm guessing also to get a better look at me. We start on that what's up tip again. Let me mention that its around 1:30 in the morning, on a Saturday night, right now. He mentions how he was on his way to his boy's place to go swimming...and so on. After a while he mentions, if there is something wrong with my legs, why was I still sitting in my car, and he is standing outside my window. I ask him, if he wants to hop in, but he asks, can I get out...he wants to see the rest of me. I get out and we are both standing outside our cars now. We both know by now, that this is not a typical straight experience, but neither one says anything. Even though I know he is down by now, I keep fishing, as he keeps fishing to see if I get down too. I tell him that I was just on my way home, before I got myself into some trouble. I knew this statement would lead to follow up questions, as to what I was talking about. He asked what kind of trouble was I trying to avoid, because it looks like I'm already high. Now let me just explain, that I have eyes that make me look like I'm tired, even when I'm not, or simply high...I like to call them though bedroom eyes...I get them from my father. Here's the thing though, I don't get high, and I wasn't high that night, I tell him this.

After a while I get tire of this little cat and mouse game, we are playing, so I go ahead and just break the ice. I ask him does he have a girl. He replied, no. I then say casually, "So you just get with men, huh?" He looks a bit off guard, by my question, but quickly recovers, with a smirk, "What are you talking about?" I lay it all out then, and look I know you get down, you know I get down, lets cut that, we played that game, it was cute... now lets be real. We talked some more, and I really don't remember how we got on the subject, but this statement stands out to me, he mentions, how he doesn't get how some guys can just get with a guy, without, really knowing them and whatnot, but he couldn't do that. That threw a whole other curve ball for me. I t made me nervous. Like this is a different kind of guy, that this wasn't going to end, like most of my other experiences.

After talking for about the first hour, he asked me, for my number, and I gave it to him. As he was typing my information into his phone.We got to a portion, that you would have thought we would have gotten to upfront, but didn't. He asked me for my name. Now here's the thing I usually don't tell the guys I get with sexually or romantically, whatever you want to call it...I don't usually give them my real name. I have my reasons but I just don't do it. The most I give them is my first initial, and that's usually the more vip guys. I usually have a quick references of names that I give guys, like club names. I can give a "Darrell, but you can call me D" in a second, or a "Trevon, but you can call me Trey." However I paused this time. There was something about Chris that made me want to be honest, and that made me nervous. That quick pause must have registered with him, because without even looking up from his phone, he said, "...and please don't give me that fake name you are about to say" I try to play it off, and say, I'm not about to give you a fake name. He just replied with a uh huh. I go ahead and tell him my real name. Now I have only gave my real full name to one other guy, that I have messed with, and that was the pastor from out of town, that I mentioned earlier in my blog life. This was new territory for me. For some reason I confess that. He was one of two that I actually told my real name to. He still doesn't believe that I gave him my real name or number. He gets a little taken back, that when he gives me his number. I don't store it right away I just type the number in, and leave it at that. He thinks that means that I have no plans on calling him back. I reassure him that, that's not my plan.

I won't bore you guys anymore about what we talked about, but we talked for another hour or two, outside. Though a pee break he took, through the rain, because it started to drizzle hard, not rain, but heavy drizzle, we continued to stand outside and talk. He asked if I was good, I said yeah I was good, if he was. We talked about a little of everything. He noticed every move I made, which had me on edge. Like at one time he asked me what I was doing with my pants. Now subconsciously I was playing with the belt loops on the front of my jean shorts as we talked, and didn't even realize it. He thought I was...well I don't know what he thought, but he mentioned it. He then took this time to mention, when I looked down at my hands to see what he was talking about, that my jean shorts had a noticeable tent in them. I was kind of embarrassed that he noticed this. I jokingly told him, that "Oh that's just a roll of quarters, never know when someone is going to need a change for a dollar." He was asking most of the questions, he totally flipped the script on me, because that's usually me doing that.

At some point he mentions how he loves body hair on a guy.He points out all the hair on my arm. He then asks do I have any more.I was like yeah, its not like the hair just stops on my arms. That leads to me showing my chest and stomach. He then asks about tattoos I tell him, I don't have any, but he does, as he is showing me the one on his chest I notice his pants with the tent. I call him out on his erection, and that he was wearing like a few pair of shorts....his jeans, his boxers, and those swimming trunks from earlier.It was official we were both turned on by each other.

After a while the drizzle picks up, and we decide to continue this conversation even more. We get in my car. As we have the seats leaned back, we are looking out the sunroof at the rain coming down. We talk some more. Even during the quiet times, it never seems awkward. I confess to him, that they're things I want to do to him, but am nervous. He tells me, that if I'm that nervous, then to ask first. I tell him, that that's not romantic at all. He tells me to just do whatever. I mention to him his earlier comment about guys moving to fast. He tells me to just kiss him already. I lean over and we start to kiss. Now he was alright a little timid, for my taste, when it comes to that department, but he had great lips. Things get a bit heavier, then a bit heavier I start to fill him up..and fill him up some more. Then he starts to reciprocate.Long story short...I don't know exactly what the metaphor would be when it comes to a guy, but I think we both got to 3rd base. I think we have gotten to home, if I hadn't decide, that we better stop, because it was getting real late by now, actually real early.It was actually breaking sun, by now. We have talked most of the night to sunrise. I told him I better get home, and get a least an hour before church. He started on this whole good guy gone bad name calling thing.

Before he got out. He asked me, was I going to call him, since I gave him a fake number. I was a little shocked that he was still on that. I told him, since you still don't believe me, then dial the number, if you don't.Thinking that challenge, would satisfy him,I was surprised, when he took out his phone to dial my number.The car was instantly filled with the sounds of my phone ringing. I didn't even answer it. I just said,"Oops...I guess I really did give you the right number, I guess I will have to remember not to next time." He asked me again was I going to call him, and agitated by name I tell him the phone works both ways. We part and say our good byes

I drive off feeling rejuvenated, even though I have been up most of the night and early morning. However I got good feeling going on. That onto something new vibe, that new possibilities high.

That is until later that week....

Me, Myself, and Laziness!...and some music stuff too!

"Where are you?"

Well Diva and everybody else who reads, comments, and read but don't comment on my blog, I'm here, but I have simply been lazy...I guess!
That's the only explanation I got. Lately I've been going through this thing, where I don't feel like doing anything. All I feel like doing is sleeping. The only thing I can pull myself to do is work, and go to gym..amazing I am doing that, but I am, and shop. This year, I really haven't felt like doing that, but I have lately. All I want to do, when I get home is sleep. Not just that needed sleep, but that overly I just want to be in my bed, even if I'm not sleep, but in my bed behavior. Now the first thing I know people would think is that I'm depressed. Now that may be so, but I'm not sure. Now grated there are things in my life, I'm not happy about in my life. Things going on in my family, all of which I still haven't gotten around to fully telling you, things with me and the direction of my life, just overall stresses.I really can't say there is anything I'm all that happy about, but I wouldn't say I feel depress, just sleepy. All I want to do is lay in my bed in sleep. So that leads me back to my first theory...laziness!

My fellow blogger Realhustla wrote last month I think about how she need to pray about the spirit of laziness in her adolescent son. Well maybe I need to pray about it for me. I have to make myself do anything. I don't want to do anything. I haven't really read, let alone my book of the moment. Let me correct that I have cracked open that book and several for that matter. I mean I read the first three chapters, but that's not saying much, I thinking off my head, that its probably a 30 or so chapter book, so I got some to go. I haven't even gotten into the plot, but based off what I read so far, I think it's going to be on the more sexual tip, for even Eric Jerome Dickey's. I started reading the first few chapters of a book called "Give me an O", I started reading a book called, "People Whisperer"...self help book, and I read like almost the first whole page of this book edited... or co-written...or executive written, by Blair Underwood, called "Casanegro." Ironically I've been buying a bunch of books lately, haven't read any of them, but I've been buying them, along with many other things.

Now I really haven't blogged lately or even commenting on other peoples blogs, like I usually do. However that doesn't mean I haven't been reading them, just didn't feel like writing anything on them. There has been some days, that I have went back to a blog post, and said to myself, I know I wrote a comment, but I don't see it. Then it hits me, I thought the comment out, but I didn't feel like writing it, so I didn't, but I think I did.

Now I haven't been posting like I should, not because I don't have anything to talk or write about, because I always have something on my mind, just haven't been enough willpower to sit down and write it. I have been starting post, but I haven't been finishing them. Like I haven't even wrote about the theme of the month, which I believe was birthdays, but in my defense Lady Nay hasn't written hers yet either, and she sets the theme...at least I don't think so, I got to check out her blog to see if she's written hers yet...lol. I haven't even felt like going any getting me some hot love'n. A real quick F.Y.I., after my hoe separation experience I became abstinent, then fell off, and do to me and my rut like behavior, these past couple of weeks, inadvertently became abstinent again, not on purpose like the first time though. I will post to explain all of it later.

I guess I will just have to make myself post, more, I'm going to try and be better this week, or next week at the latest I promise...lol....mo later than the week after next!

.... and now for my Music of the Moment

Okay...now usually for my music of the moment,I just to talk about or explain my music choices on the left side of the screen, but this month I have a lot to get off my chest about music right now.

First and foremost, I want to give out my love, prayers, and condolences to the Wright family. Rev.Timothy Wright, a very influential gospel music artist, was involved in a car accident, Saturday. In the accident, his wife, co- pastor Betty Wright and grandson, DJ was killed, when their car was struck by a drunk driver. They were on their way back home to Long Island, NY, from Pennsylvania; when a drunk driver, going the wrong way down the interstate hit them. Rev. Wright is still in critical condition.

I pray that he makes it through, and that he will be completely healed.I also hope that he will be strong, and when he does recover physically from this, he will be able to recover emotionally and spiritually from this tragedy. I believe just like his son David Wright said, all when can do is trust in God. That we may not understand this now, but everything works for the greater good, in God. It was just their time. Maybe Rev. Wright's testimony, will help or stop another person, from drinking and causing another tragedy like this, and seek out God. I didn't know it, but Rev.Wright, has put out 19 albums in 20 years. His last one being simple called "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus."

If you want to read more about it, you can find it here, Gospel-industry-in-prayer-for-rev-timothy-wright/.

My little inside information. I have some family acquainted with the Wright family, and they say that he is out of critical condition, and is awake and conscience, but can't talk. He keeps mouthing though, "Where is Betty?" They haven't told him, that she is dead yet. However I got this information Thursday, so they may have told him by now. I have spoken anymore recently to that family member since Thursday, so haven't gotten any newer information. As far as I knew they hadn't had any of the funerals yet, but they may have by now went ahead and buried Betty, the Grandson , and her father. That's the other information that I have. When Betty's father found out about the accident, he apparently went into cardiac attack and died. Maybe that has something to do, with them not telling Rev. Wright what happen to his wife and grandson. Fear, that he may give up or have further medical complications, after hearing the terrible news. That's my little inside info.

So I have made this point before, but I'm going to say it again. I have been so bored with the music industry lately. It use to be, that right before the summer and all through the summer, artist, would be bangin' their newest, hottest songs, to have that years Summer jams.However this summer, for me, has not been the case. I've just been bored with everything I hear on the radio. I have been rockin' my Cd's more than ever. The new Cd's I do get, are actually old albums. The other day I bought a couple albums from the earlier 90s.

Some of the upcoming albums I am looking forward to are Lloyd's "Lesson's In Love" album, Neyo's "The Year of the Gentleman," event though I don't like the first single "Closer," gospel group 21:03's Total Attention.

My album of Heavy Rotation right now actually isn't a new album. It actually was released earlier this year.

It's Raheem Devaughn's "Love Behind the Melody." It was my runner up to my last Album of Heavy rotation, Ashanti's "The Declaration," but I have been listening to it even more since last month, and I love it. I have been sleeping on Raheen for some time now, and I guess I have to catch up. It was his latest single"Customer," I think, that really got me listening to his album I already owned. I had listened to it a bit, when I first got it, but I didn't take the real time to appreciate it or enjoy it, but the lack of anything real good out right now, has me aware and my ears wide open.

My "Ah....That's My Jam" of the moment is a surprise for me, but Solange's "I Decided." I think I got a Knowles that I finally can get with on the solo tip. Let's face it I'm not really a Beyonce' fan.I love this song and I really love the video. I really never took Solange serious as a singer. I just thought she was trying to sing, because her bigger sister was a famous singer, but this single really has me thinking she is more than Beyonce's younger sister. It has a 60's vibe to it. Maybe her niche is the more neo soul area, not sure, but I can't wait for the album to fully examine where she is going musically.

I've started a trend of my second "Ah... That's my Jam," is for it to be a gospel song. I really haven't purposely meant for it to be gospel, but that's how it's been. This month is Hezekiah Walker's "Grateful" feat. David Hollister. I guess because I hear this song all the time on gospel stations, plus my church sings it too. I guess it's just in my spirit. Even through the hard times, you have much to be grateful about!







For the first time, my Throwback of Heavy rotation, is a gospel album. I guess in dedication to Rev. Timothy Wright,I have been rocking the first Cd, not necessarily album, but Cd I owned of his, "Come Thou Almighty King," TO be honest before pulling this particular Cd out,I didn't remember much of the album. I remember when I first saw the album cover, from back in 94 or 95 though. I have a tendency to be rocking the R&B throwbacks, but not so much the gospel ones..well certain artist I do. This is a great album though.I hear that he had like 500 people in this choir for this album, going to have to double check that info though, but I think it's true.

I think because I listen to a lot of gospel as well as R&B and other types of music I have decided to add an Inspirational Music of the Moment section.I know it may seem inappropriate since I talk about sex quite a bit on my blog, but this is all that makes up me... so I guess I'm just an inappropriate and awkward person. I'm really feeling this album right now.I decided to pick up the album, "The Transformation," by James Fortune & Fiya, after hearing a lot the single "I Trust You." Although I like the album and several songs,I do sense a very Kirk Franklin influence on the lo tempo songs, more than I did on Fortune's last album.I still

am feeling the album and rocking it with my R&B.

Not quite feeling so free, on my Independence Weekend

"I get lonely

Whenever you're around

I get lonely

Whenever you're around"

Those words fits my spirit and my feelings right now. These words are the chorus right now, that Jill Scott is singing right now on TvOne, I think this is her live in Paris concert. Not really sure, I just have it on in the background, but this song stands out for me. It's Saturday night, the day after the Fourth of July, and my family is downstairs, as I'm writing this. I came up here to my refuge...my blog. I have said that before, am saying it now, and will without a doubt say it in the future. We were sorta having a movie night. Seeing movies that some of us have seen, some haven't seen, and some didn't mind seeing again...you know how it is. However it was cut short for me, because I was told to shut up for the 4th time by my cousin, Tia.

Here's the deal. This is the first weekend, that her new fiancee', has spent the whole weekend, with our family. Of course, we have met, him, and we have spent time with him at one or two holidays before, but this is the first, long extended time that has been spent with him. We are doing the you are family, so make yourself at home treatment, but in the process I find myself not feeling at home, in my on mother's house. This holiday, and last face it most of the holidays, where outside-ness and cookouts are involved, our family does at our house.

It started yesterday, I mean the first shut up was done yesterday. This was done at the kitchen table. Even though the whole deck was set up for the cookout, everyone in attendance friends and family were eating inside, at the kitchen table, formal dining room table, and den, because the rain came down enough just to wet everything outside, but not enough to actually do something about the dryness of the grass. Anyway The Fiancee'...and I think that's how I'm going to refer to him, because obviously I have to treat him like a precious stone...was eating a baby back rib, and I asked him about, was it okay, that it was beef ribs. Now Tia had mentioned to us on numerous occasions, how he loved red meat, a little to much, and how he only cooks beef ribs himself. I mentioned how my mom tried to find beef ribs all week long, and everywhere was just selling the baby backs, she went to every grocery store and Costco's and they either were out, when she got there, or weren't selling them. So I mentioned that Tia had told us, and we knew how much he preferred beef ribs, which I must say I think I love a little more than the baby backs myself, but how my mom couldn't find any good ones. He smiled and said that it was cool and how he eats both. While he was doing this, she was straight grimacing, behind him mouthing for me to shut the hell up and leave him alone. Now maybe I was wrong for mentioned how she told us he love beef ribs, but it's not exactly like I said,"Your girl told us you eat too much red meat, that why you are eating the pork baby backs, but we tried to get you beef ribs anyway!" I was just doing the host thing trying to make him feel good, that we cared.

After that I went into the formal dining room and spent most of my time in there making the family friends feel good. My mother was in the den, doing the same thing, with those friends and family. By the end of the night, we mostly everybody were leaving, I was getting "'Young' you so crazy, you should have your own show....blah blah blah...and boy you are a trip" When left to be me, I'm very good at the host thing and the charming thing, most people like me! Now I have my reserve quite moments, when I don't say much at all, but when you are hosting and have new people in your home, that's not the time. I was being funny and cute, which I can do I must say!

Now back tonight, today has been a long day somehow, yet all we really did was go to the movies a few stores, and Walmart. Now we are on our third movie of the evening. We went to go see "Hancock", which I liked, but I will tell you about in another post. I guess I feel tired, from walking on egg shells all day, trying to make him feel comfortable. From where we sat in movie theaters to where we went, to whatever we did. Now here we are at home, and am tired.. tired of bending over backwards for this nigga, and my cousin still unappreciated, tired of the whispering back and forth, I understand, newly engaged, that's how they are, and tired of this nigga still acting scared of us. Here we are 7 people watching movies, and half of us have changed into more comfortable clothes, including Tia and this nigga is still in his clothes and sneakers. When even let him wear them in the house, when usually you take them off when you are up and down the stairs. I hear them two whispering back and forth about how he wants to change, but doesn't feel like he can, and she telling him, he can. Then he asks my mother if its okay if he has a piece of cake. Now she has told him over and over again he can have whatever he wants. I have mentioned that, he can go into the garage and get whatever he wants to drink from that refridge, which is filled with bottle water sodas, and all the bottle Gatorade his heart can desire, yet he still seems afraid or uncomfortable to get it. So I mentioned, how he still acting uncomfortable around us, and that this weekend, our home is his home. He gets up to get the cake, and Tia leans over and whispers again "SHUT UP!" Now I have had it. I whisper back "Woman, you got one more time to tell me to shut up!" She replies to me "Then stop talking to him, how I'm the one who is making him uncomfortable" I reply back, "You got one more time to tell me to shut up, and you going to see how uncomfortable it's about to get in here!" I then leave them all downstairs to come up here.

Now I truly feel I have went out my way to make him feel good, and feel at home. I have been trying to say the absolute right things to him. Trying to do the jokey joke thing, make him laugh. When in doubt make em' laugh I say. I have given him the free range of my room, my bed, with my good 500 thread count sheets, food, drinks, whatever he wanted to watch...etc. I'm done now.

Right now I'm going to go take a hot epson salt hot bath, and listen to some old Mary J....Till tomorrow!

Well I didn't feel like getting on yesterday, and finishing this weekend, so let me do that now. Yesterday morning, is when they were planning on leaving. After my bath, I went to my room to chill a bit, before The Fiancee' came up to bed. My mom came up early, and asked why did I leave so suddenly. I told her the deal and what had happen, and told her I just need to be by myself, for a bit. I got back online a bit, until I guess the last movie was finished, around 12:30 or 1 ish. Then everyone came up stairs to bed. I didn't say a word to Tia, the rest of the night, or the the next morning for that matter I was ready for this weekend to finish. She didn't say a word to me for that matter. She did tell my aunt I was mad at her for unknown reasons, isn't that a blimp. I hate when people know you are made and know what they did, but act like they don't know. She didn't say boo to me, until The Fiancee', said Good Morning to me, when I came down stairs yesterday morning. I had seen her a couple times that morning and she didn't say squat, but when he said good morning, is when she decides to, also.

Now I didn't mention last night, one initial detail. Me and this certain cousin, are or maybe were is a better word right now... extremely close. Since we are more close, than we are with any other family member. Even though she is 5 years older, we are really close. I have been there for every single boyfriend since high school. Met every single one, and that isn't a couple I will tell you. Not because I wanted to, but because she wanted me too, now when one finally puts a damn ring on her finger, I'm suppose to treat him like glass. She has been trying for months since the engagement, for our family to spend some true quality time with him, yet we are suppose to what, tip toe around him.I thought about it last night. It's not me, in fact most of her boyfriends, even the last one, who I didn't want her to stay involved with, liked me. The ones where I met their families liked me. I remember one ex boyfriend, she wanted me to go with her, to his family Christmas party, by the end of the night I was in his parents bedroom laughing it up, having a good time, with his mom and brothers. In fact I spent more time with his family, than with her and the then boyfriend. So I don't get why supposedly I have to be careful what I say and do around this nigga.

Well we went out to brunch. I still wasn't talking to either of them. She wanted me to shut up, so I did, to them. I of course though made sure I was looking so fresh and so clean, for Sunday brunch, while giving the silent treatment. I did of course ask them was the restaurant that I picked cool for brunch. Still trying to make sure everyone was cool, though. The seating arrangements at the restaurant ended up, where I was seated right next to him, so I couldn't exactly, not talk all through brunch. However it still wasn't my warm and lovable self I will tell you that. I still was cordial and pleasant. I talked to everybody else the same. It was a nice breakfast. It was at the Brio Tuscan Grille, so it was an Italian style brunch, but it was still good. Tia had the nerve to say, as we left the restaurant, that finally I picked a good one. Just because I want to try new things, instead of the same ole

They left shortly after we got back from brunch, to pack up food. I kissed my aunt, Tia's mom goodbye, and I gave her a half hearted "See yah", as I walked away. After being seriously burned by the Champagne on a beer budget cousin and other crap going on in my family, I'm done with people and their big bag of bull. Don't let her call me, because Mister Nice Young is gone. I'm calling people out on their B-U-L-L S-H-I-T!