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Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Diary of a Mad Black Down Low Man


I know that title seems so played out now...well the first few lines I mean. It seems that ever since Tyler Perry's movie, there has been more movies, blogs, websites, books with the same beginning name. However he wasn't the first. There is Jodeci's "Diary of a Mad Band." Before then there was a movie called, "Diary of a Madman," and another movie called "Diary of a Mad Housewife." So Mr Perry doesn't hold the exclusive rights to talking about someone mad, going mad or being mad.

I decided to change up my blog a little bit. I'm not sure if I am going to stick with this set up and design, but I felt it to be fitting especially now, while I feel I'm going through, what feels like a change in myself. I'm still YB&DL but lately I feel like...I guess a madman. I feel like I don't recognise myself anymore, or at least the person I have become.

I'm scared. I'm scared of the man I am, and scared of the man I'm becoming. Sometime I really don't recognise myself or at least don't get the man looking back before me in the mirror. I really have been feeling the last few months or so, that it's time to put this blog down to rest. I feel like all my blog friends, have left me. It doesn't feel the same way anymore. However the way I have been feeling about me and things going on with myself and even with other DL men, has made me think, maybe I have a few more thoughts to put out there in the world, regardless of whose reading or who I'm reading. It's not about anyone else at the end of the day, it's about me and my feelings(I'm talking about this blog and me continuing it). My blog is like a relationship. I may not have those excited feelings about it, Like I did in the beginning, but to get it going you have to respect what's there when the newness wears off. If that makes any since.

To be honest I have always felt or seen my blog as a diary or chronicle of certain things in my life. There has been things I have truly forgotten about, but read an old post and been freshened on an incident or occasion, I had completely let slip my mind. The only difference now, is that now I have decided to temporarily rename my blog "Diary of a Mad Black Down Low Man."

Basicall,y I feel like I'm going mad. There's a lot that has went on this year or two, that I haven't necessarily mentioned to you guys. However the these things I feel have contributed to me going "mad." Then there are the little things, that take me so out of myself, I have to wonder..."Who is this person?" The anger the frustration of life...of others...of being me...Sexuality and all.

I think this is where I'm going to leave off for now. I will continue later.