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Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Birthdays.... I guess?

Post post Changes: I usually don't like making changes to my post after the first comment has been made, but I wanted to make a special shout out to, two fellow bloggers, who had their birthdays this past week.
Happy Birthday to Southern Gal and Lady Nay Nay!!!!
Also in response to Corey Keith, no my birthday isn't anytime soon, I just talked about birthdays because that was the theme of the month... my birthday isn't until next year ...Thank you Jesus... my birthday has actually past since I started my blog, I didn't mention it becasue well as you will learn from my regular written post below, that isn't my style....

Okay I usually don't like doing the random several things on my mind posts. I generally like to keep my post focused around one thing, but I need to say a few things, so here it is.

First lets get the theme of the month out before a new month comes around. I usually have posted my post about the theme by this time of the month, but well laziness and the whole nothing real exciting to say about the theme has sorta made me procrastinate about the theme, which by the way is Birthdays. Before I go into whatever it is I'm going to say about Birthdays let me just tell you guys about one thing.

Now I get the theme of the month from a fellow blogger Lady Nay. Now I don't know if she comes up with the themes or if she gets it from another blogger, but I've been following her lead in the themes. Well I think it was a week or so ago, I was up late just catching up and reading fellow blogs. I was also reading some new blogs...or shall I say new blogs to me. Now there is this blogger, that for some reason I didn't think had a blog. I just thought they leave comments on others blogs, but didn't actually have a blog. The reason so, was because I had tried to check out there blog once before, when I got a message saying I had been banned from their blog. For some dumb reason I thought it was like a joke, that everybody got who tried to visit this fellow bloggers' blog. The reason I thought this, was because I didn't understand any other reason as to why I would be banned, in my mind I had never even visited this person's blog in the first place let alone have reason to be banned. However for some reason, I decided that night to see if they had finally decided to start their own blog. To my surprise they had...in fact they had an amazing deck out site. As I'm exploring and surfing their site, I read their recent post about the birthday theme of the month. It was a little disturbing, they mentioned something about holding a gun to their mouth when it comes to their birthday and whatnot. They also mentioned their girlfriend Val, which seemed kinda familiar. After reading a bit more, it hit me, I had been to this blog once before, right when I first started blogging. I'm surfing their site some more when I get to a disclaimer for the site. The disclaimer mentions how they keep track of IP addresses and lurkers or people who visits the site and doesn't leave comments and whatnot, can be banned. It then hits me that I had been banned from a site I barely even remember...and I start to laugh. I decided to leave a comment on their recent post, about how I was banned and didn't even really know why or remembered going to their blog except for remembering the Val person they talk about. I also stated how I felt like a naughty employee looking at cyber porn, and their employer was watching their every move online, by like a web nanny type thing, because this blogger was watching IP addresses, and every move you made on their site. I was taking it light hearted and thought the whole thing was funny. Well a few days later I go to check out what they said, because I noticed this blogger makes follow up comments individually to ever comment. I wanted to see if they thought the whole thing was funny too. That's when I found out that I had been banned once again from this person's blog...LMAO it makes me laugh even right now. I think it's so funny. Now I'm not the type to name names and blow any body spot up, so I'm not going to say that it was FreakyDeaky of Freakytopia I think it is, that banned me not once but twice people from their blog...I'm just not going to do blow FreakyDeaky spot up like that...LOL.

Anyway I don't have much to say on birthdays. I hate my birthdays, I don't like getting another year older...I mean I'm glad that God allowed me to see another year and blah blah blah, but I don't like getting older. It always makes me think about life and my timeline. in the 8th grade we had to make a timeline of our future plans. I was remember having my life plotted out to the year. At my age now, I should have received my Bachelors and either was working on my Masters or have started my amazing career as an Architect. I would be married with a dog, to the love of my life, my college sweetheart. I had read somewhere that most people met their future spouses in college. I would have gotten an academic scholarship of course to at the time, GMU. We would be living in my middle class starter home, with my bride and dog... kids come when we are 25, need our alone time before the two children come. By 30 we will be ready financially to move into out 5 bedroom dream home that I would have designed for us and the kids. I know it sounds childish and unrealistic, but this is truly a plan that I thought about all through high school. All my birthday does is remind me how I'm not where I'm suppose to be at my age, on that dumb ass time line. I get and understand that plans change, life changes, but I'm no where near that plan. I didn't go to that schoolI'm so lost on my future career path, still trying to get that Bachelors, let alone my Masters, and I think it is needless to say how far away I am from getting married. Does anyone think me secretly loving dick has any connection at all?...LOL

I use to love my birthdays as a child. I use to have parities and all that. I use to think my birthday was something magical. That one special thing about you. I never really dawned on me that so many people share your same day to. I guess it didn't matter as long as those people who share your day, aren't in your life to steal your shine. There were a couple parties I remember vividly. There was the one with the clown at my house. I thought that was amazing, Everyone came. There was the one where my aunt came in, from out of town, and took all of my friends and everyone from my bus stop to Chucky Cheese's on her, and I suddenly had older elementary school kids as friends. Then there was the one when I was still in private school, and I had this Mickey Mouse surprise party. Everybody thought I was special, because nobody had a party at school, I don't know why I did. The one thing i remember odd about that day, was nobody had to where their uniforms that day. Don't remember why, but I think that was my one and only surprise party. Then I remember the black wish list party. This was the party, when my parents were going through their separation, before the big split. I wanted everything in black for my birthday. I think I was about 8. In retrospect I'm sure a child therapist would have something to say on the link between what was going on between my parents and me wanting everything in black. Maybe that was my way of going through depression, but I wanted my whole room black for my birthday present. Me and my mom negotiated, and we settled on black and white. She thought all black was a bit severe for a child, but I was adamant about the black part. So for my birthday I got a new black and white room. Everything from a black and white lamp... to black and white drapes...to bedding... to rugs...to a black and white trash can. I think it wasn't shocking because I think I was always mature for my age. I however didn't get the black carpet or black walls, but I was cool.

I don't exactly remember when my views on my birthday changed, but they did. It really doesn't feel special anymore. Sometimes I wish I could get that feeling again. The big ones didn't do anything to capture that essence either. I really didn't see anything special about the 16 , or 18, or even the big 2-1. I learned to drive and got my license on the 16th, I went and registered to vote on the 18 and on the 2-1 I don't drink so what I could buy porn legally then, but that was it.

Now people drag me to celebrate. I usually get treated, which I hate, because for some reason, I feel like I have to be conservative on what I spend. Sometimes I just rather get whatever the hell I want, and pay for it myself...I feel more comfortable that way. What I really wish is that people just leave me the hell alone for my birthday, and just give me whatever money or gift that I'm sure I will return and let me spend it alone with a pizza and all the soda my heart desire, with a cake...no a pie... or anything that will melt ice cream, and let me call it a day. Or maybe one day my birthday will be that magical day again, that only I posses.

Well, anyway I guess this post did end up being centered around one thing after all, I'm just going to have to get to those other random things on a later post. It really was my mission to get to it all today, but I don't feel like it now.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

A Failed Shot at Abstinence...

Okay, I need to catch you guys up on things..after my Separation of Hoeness posts...so that you know whats going on now. A lot has happen since then.

Well, after that night, I thought it was time for a change. I felt that was my rock bottom. That night was kinda low for me. I just thought that maybe I needed a change. I kept thinking about that passage I read once. About how someone compared themselves to a mirror, and every time they had meaningless partners and sex, that it was like another smudge on their mirror. I just felt like after that night, especially with Robbie, that I was losing myself, and couldn't see myself from all my smudges on my mirror. Then there I was standing with a few of my smudges looking at me and knew each other.

Well after that I decided that I need a change, so after much thinking and self debate, that night, I decided to become abstinent. I decided to become abstinent until...I guess I found or at least decided about what it is that I really want or expected from sex. I knew celibacy was a hopeless goal. I just knew that was something I was going to set myself up to fail, so I decided abstinence was better in some way. Now by definition, abstinence is, self denial and self restrain of personal indulgences, in order for a higher purpose. They also used conserving economic resources, in order to build up a higher capital goal. Well I guess my higher purpose or my ultimate capital goal, was to have a better connection and have some sort of feelings, when it comes to my future partners.

That's what I thought when I met 2 guys, two and a half weeks after my vow of abstinence. Now let me be the first to say, yes I know 2 and a half weeks isn't much. Especially after another fellow blogger, who shall remain nameless, CaseyKeys told me they were celibate and for a while. It actually made me a bit sad, that I only made it two and a half weeks. Now I'm not saying that's the longest I can go with out sex, I mean I have went a lot longer, but due to other reasons, like busy schedule...not being in the mood...work...other things in my life, that makes me even forget that I'm not getting any. However this is the first time I took a logical choice and decision, in not having sex. Which seems a lot harder, than being so busy, that you don't have time to even think about it. I thought about it even more.

Well the first taste of me leaving my abstinence behind, was this guy, Chris. Now I've told one blogger briefly about Chris, because of a series of post they did called "You have no chance with me" Commandments. Anyway I went out a couple weeks after my night with Robbie fiasco, it was another after hours restaurant college hangout place. I was hanging out by myself and so was this other guy. Well we made this eye connection thing. See the thing about DL guys, I don't know what it is, but from my personal experience it's all about the eyes. I don't want to exactly call it gaydar, but it's something in the eyes. I think it's that inappropriate length of eye contact. That stolen glances that last to long or happen to frequently to be a complete heterosexual look at another man. Well, it happen a few times, but the thing is, there is usually something slightly friendly in the eyes. That knowing look, but he was giving me nothing, so I thought maybe it was just a straight guy wondering why I was looking at him, but I was thinking why was he looking at me first. So after much thought about, why was I even there. I should be home thinking about something other than guys and sex, but you know how it is when you try hard not to think about something, and all it does is make you think about it more. However I left. I made a quick stop at 7-11, after leaving there at the stop light, in the car beside mine, was that guy I saw earlier, Chris. I gave him the guy what's up head nod, he gave me one back, but it was barely one and nothing really behind it, so I just let it go. Well when we got to the next stop light he was going the same direction as me. The same thing... I would look over, and he was already looking at me, but out the side of his eye.I knew something was up, it was just a gut feeling I had, and usually when I have them, I'm usually correct. I decided to see what was up with this guy. I look straight ahead as I roll down my window...as if saying I'm not rolling down my window to talk but just because, then I look at them. If he rolled down his window, even just casually right after I do. Then make a move. I haven't talked about this before, but I have met guys at stoplights before, who are in other cars. I 'm going to have to make a point to remember to post about that one day. So I knew what I was doing this night. Anyway he already had his window cracked a bit, but just like I thought, he rolled it down even more. At the third stop light, when we glanced at each other I took the chance this time to say something. I threw him a "What's Good?" opening and his face just suddenly warmed up, and he was like, "Nothing much... what's going on with you?" The light changed green and since at that moment there was no car's behind us we kept on with the pleasantries, another good sign something maybe up. I replied to his question, with a nothing much just hangin' ad chillin', you? He gave me some answer similar to that, That's when other cars from the stop light behind us was coming, and I said to him follow me. He was slow with his answer, but he said "aiight."

So he followed me as I turned off that main busy street off to the side street. I pulled up into a empty business parking lot. The fact that he followed me, was a clear first sign that he wasn't a complete heterosexual. So I knew something was up with him, but I wasn't sure yet, but I was about to find out. So he pulls up right beside me. Now my thoughts were we were going to talk a little more though our car windows, but to my surprise he gets out, right after he pulls up beside me. This means either two different things. Either trouble, which I felt in my car door to see if I had my just in case something happens knife handy, or that most definitely he gets down, because why would a straight guy do that. He comes to my window, he said because he didn't want to talk through cars anymore... I'm guessing also to get a better look at me. We start on that what's up tip again. Let me mention that its around 1:30 in the morning, on a Saturday night, right now. He mentions how he was on his way to his boy's place to go swimming...and so on. After a while he mentions, if there is something wrong with my legs, why was I still sitting in my car, and he is standing outside my window. I ask him, if he wants to hop in, but he asks, can I get out...he wants to see the rest of me. I get out and we are both standing outside our cars now. We both know by now, that this is not a typical straight experience, but neither one says anything. Even though I know he is down by now, I keep fishing, as he keeps fishing to see if I get down too. I tell him that I was just on my way home, before I got myself into some trouble. I knew this statement would lead to follow up questions, as to what I was talking about. He asked what kind of trouble was I trying to avoid, because it looks like I'm already high. Now let me just explain, that I have eyes that make me look like I'm tired, even when I'm not, or simply high...I like to call them though bedroom eyes...I get them from my father. Here's the thing though, I don't get high, and I wasn't high that night, I tell him this.

After a while I get tire of this little cat and mouse game, we are playing, so I go ahead and just break the ice. I ask him does he have a girl. He replied, no. I then say casually, "So you just get with men, huh?" He looks a bit off guard, by my question, but quickly recovers, with a smirk, "What are you talking about?" I lay it all out then, and look I know you get down, you know I get down, lets cut that, we played that game, it was cute... now lets be real. We talked some more, and I really don't remember how we got on the subject, but this statement stands out to me, he mentions, how he doesn't get how some guys can just get with a guy, without, really knowing them and whatnot, but he couldn't do that. That threw a whole other curve ball for me. I t made me nervous. Like this is a different kind of guy, that this wasn't going to end, like most of my other experiences.

After talking for about the first hour, he asked me, for my number, and I gave it to him. As he was typing my information into his phone.We got to a portion, that you would have thought we would have gotten to upfront, but didn't. He asked me for my name. Now here's the thing I usually don't tell the guys I get with sexually or romantically, whatever you want to call it...I don't usually give them my real name. I have my reasons but I just don't do it. The most I give them is my first initial, and that's usually the more vip guys. I usually have a quick references of names that I give guys, like club names. I can give a "Darrell, but you can call me D" in a second, or a "Trevon, but you can call me Trey." However I paused this time. There was something about Chris that made me want to be honest, and that made me nervous. That quick pause must have registered with him, because without even looking up from his phone, he said, "...and please don't give me that fake name you are about to say" I try to play it off, and say, I'm not about to give you a fake name. He just replied with a uh huh. I go ahead and tell him my real name. Now I have only gave my real full name to one other guy, that I have messed with, and that was the pastor from out of town, that I mentioned earlier in my blog life. This was new territory for me. For some reason I confess that. He was one of two that I actually told my real name to. He still doesn't believe that I gave him my real name or number. He gets a little taken back, that when he gives me his number. I don't store it right away I just type the number in, and leave it at that. He thinks that means that I have no plans on calling him back. I reassure him that, that's not my plan.

I won't bore you guys anymore about what we talked about, but we talked for another hour or two, outside. Though a pee break he took, through the rain, because it started to drizzle hard, not rain, but heavy drizzle, we continued to stand outside and talk. He asked if I was good, I said yeah I was good, if he was. We talked about a little of everything. He noticed every move I made, which had me on edge. Like at one time he asked me what I was doing with my pants. Now subconsciously I was playing with the belt loops on the front of my jean shorts as we talked, and didn't even realize it. He thought I was...well I don't know what he thought, but he mentioned it. He then took this time to mention, when I looked down at my hands to see what he was talking about, that my jean shorts had a noticeable tent in them. I was kind of embarrassed that he noticed this. I jokingly told him, that "Oh that's just a roll of quarters, never know when someone is going to need a change for a dollar." He was asking most of the questions, he totally flipped the script on me, because that's usually me doing that.

At some point he mentions how he loves body hair on a guy.He points out all the hair on my arm. He then asks do I have any more.I was like yeah, its not like the hair just stops on my arms. That leads to me showing my chest and stomach. He then asks about tattoos I tell him, I don't have any, but he does, as he is showing me the one on his chest I notice his pants with the tent. I call him out on his erection, and that he was wearing like a few pair of shorts....his jeans, his boxers, and those swimming trunks from earlier.It was official we were both turned on by each other.

After a while the drizzle picks up, and we decide to continue this conversation even more. We get in my car. As we have the seats leaned back, we are looking out the sunroof at the rain coming down. We talk some more. Even during the quiet times, it never seems awkward. I confess to him, that they're things I want to do to him, but am nervous. He tells me, that if I'm that nervous, then to ask first. I tell him, that that's not romantic at all. He tells me to just do whatever. I mention to him his earlier comment about guys moving to fast. He tells me to just kiss him already. I lean over and we start to kiss. Now he was alright a little timid, for my taste, when it comes to that department, but he had great lips. Things get a bit heavier, then a bit heavier I start to fill him up..and fill him up some more. Then he starts to reciprocate.Long story short...I don't know exactly what the metaphor would be when it comes to a guy, but I think we both got to 3rd base. I think we have gotten to home, if I hadn't decide, that we better stop, because it was getting real late by now, actually real early.It was actually breaking sun, by now. We have talked most of the night to sunrise. I told him I better get home, and get a least an hour before church. He started on this whole good guy gone bad name calling thing.

Before he got out. He asked me, was I going to call him, since I gave him a fake number. I was a little shocked that he was still on that. I told him, since you still don't believe me, then dial the number, if you don't.Thinking that challenge, would satisfy him,I was surprised, when he took out his phone to dial my number.The car was instantly filled with the sounds of my phone ringing. I didn't even answer it. I just said,"Oops...I guess I really did give you the right number, I guess I will have to remember not to next time." He asked me again was I going to call him, and agitated by name I tell him the phone works both ways. We part and say our good byes

I drive off feeling rejuvenated, even though I have been up most of the night and early morning. However I got good feeling going on. That onto something new vibe, that new possibilities high.

That is until later that week....

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Me, Myself, and Laziness!...and some music stuff too!

"Where are you?"

Well Diva and everybody else who reads, comments, and read but don't comment on my blog, I'm here, but I have simply been lazy...I guess!
That's the only explanation I got. Lately I've been going through this thing, where I don't feel like doing anything. All I feel like doing is sleeping. The only thing I can pull myself to do is work, and go to gym..amazing I am doing that, but I am, and shop. This year, I really haven't felt like doing that, but I have lately. All I want to do, when I get home is sleep. Not just that needed sleep, but that overly I just want to be in my bed, even if I'm not sleep, but in my bed behavior. Now the first thing I know people would think is that I'm depressed. Now that may be so, but I'm not sure. Now grated there are things in my life, I'm not happy about in my life. Things going on in my family, all of which I still haven't gotten around to fully telling you, things with me and the direction of my life, just overall stresses.I really can't say there is anything I'm all that happy about, but I wouldn't say I feel depress, just sleepy. All I want to do is lay in my bed in sleep. So that leads me back to my first theory...laziness!

My fellow blogger Realhustla wrote last month I think about how she need to pray about the spirit of laziness in her adolescent son. Well maybe I need to pray about it for me. I have to make myself do anything. I don't want to do anything. I haven't really read, let alone my book of the moment. Let me correct that I have cracked open that book and several for that matter. I mean I read the first three chapters, but that's not saying much, I thinking off my head, that its probably a 30 or so chapter book, so I got some to go. I haven't even gotten into the plot, but based off what I read so far, I think it's going to be on the more sexual tip, for even Eric Jerome Dickey's. I started reading the first few chapters of a book called "Give me an O", I started reading a book called, "People Whisperer"...self help book, and I read like almost the first whole page of this book edited... or co-written...or executive written, by Blair Underwood, called "Casanegro." Ironically I've been buying a bunch of books lately, haven't read any of them, but I've been buying them, along with many other things.

Now I really haven't blogged lately or even commenting on other peoples blogs, like I usually do. However that doesn't mean I haven't been reading them, just didn't feel like writing anything on them. There has been some days, that I have went back to a blog post, and said to myself, I know I wrote a comment, but I don't see it. Then it hits me, I thought the comment out, but I didn't feel like writing it, so I didn't, but I think I did.

Now I haven't been posting like I should, not because I don't have anything to talk or write about, because I always have something on my mind, just haven't been enough willpower to sit down and write it. I have been starting post, but I haven't been finishing them. Like I haven't even wrote about the theme of the month, which I believe was birthdays, but in my defense Lady Nay hasn't written hers yet either, and she sets the theme...at least I don't think so, I got to check out her blog to see if she's written hers yet...lol. I haven't even felt like going any getting me some hot love'n. A real quick F.Y.I., after my hoe separation experience I became abstinent, then fell off, and do to me and my rut like behavior, these past couple of weeks, inadvertently became abstinent again, not on purpose like the first time though. I will post to explain all of it later.

I guess I will just have to make myself post, more, I'm going to try and be better this week, or next week at the latest I promise...lol....mo later than the week after next!

.... and now for my Music of the Moment

Okay...now usually for my music of the moment,I just to talk about or explain my music choices on the left side of the screen, but this month I have a lot to get off my chest about music right now.

First and foremost, I want to give out my love, prayers, and condolences to the Wright family. Rev.Timothy Wright, a very influential gospel music artist, was involved in a car accident, Saturday. In the accident, his wife, co- pastor Betty Wright and grandson, DJ was killed, when their car was struck by a drunk driver. They were on their way back home to Long Island, NY, from Pennsylvania; when a drunk driver, going the wrong way down the interstate hit them. Rev. Wright is still in critical condition.

I pray that he makes it through, and that he will be completely healed.I also hope that he will be strong, and when he does recover physically from this, he will be able to recover emotionally and spiritually from this tragedy. I believe just like his son David Wright said, all when can do is trust in God. That we may not understand this now, but everything works for the greater good, in God. It was just their time. Maybe Rev. Wright's testimony, will help or stop another person, from drinking and causing another tragedy like this, and seek out God. I didn't know it, but Rev.Wright, has put out 19 albums in 20 years. His last one being simple called "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus."

If you want to read more about it, you can find it here, Gospel-industry-in-prayer-for-rev-timothy-wright/.

My little inside information. I have some family acquainted with the Wright family, and they say that he is out of critical condition, and is awake and conscience, but can't talk. He keeps mouthing though, "Where is Betty?" They haven't told him, that she is dead yet. However I got this information Thursday, so they may have told him by now. I have spoken anymore recently to that family member since Thursday, so haven't gotten any newer information. As far as I knew they hadn't had any of the funerals yet, but they may have by now went ahead and buried Betty, the Grandson , and her father. That's the other information that I have. When Betty's father found out about the accident, he apparently went into cardiac attack and died. Maybe that has something to do, with them not telling Rev. Wright what happen to his wife and grandson. Fear, that he may give up or have further medical complications, after hearing the terrible news. That's my little inside info.



So I have made this point before, but I'm going to say it again. I have been so bored with the music industry lately. It use to be, that right before the summer and all through the summer, artist, would be bangin' their newest, hottest songs, to have that years Summer jams.However this summer, for me, has not been the case. I've just been bored with everything I hear on the radio. I have been rockin' my Cd's more than ever. The new Cd's I do get, are actually old albums. The other day I bought a couple albums from the earlier 90s.
Some of the upcoming albums I am looking forward to are Lloyd's "Lesson's In Love" album, Neyo's "The Year of the Gentleman," event though I don't like the first single "Closer," gospel group 21:03's Total Attention.

My album of Heavy Rotation right now actually isn't a new album. It actually was released earlier this year.
It's Raheem Devaughn's "Love Behind the Melody." It was my runner up to my last Album of Heavy rotation, Ashanti's "The Declaration," but I have been listening to it even more since last month, and I love it. I have been sleeping on Raheen for some time now, and I guess I have to catch up. It was his latest single"Customer," I think, that really got me listening to his album I already owned. I had listened to it a bit, when I first got it, but I didn't take the real time to appreciate it or enjoy it, but the lack of anything real good out right now, has me aware and my ears wide open.


My "Ah....That's My Jam" of the moment is a surprise for me, but Solange's "I Decided." I think I got a Knowles that I finally can get with on the solo tip. Let's face it I'm not really a Beyonce' fan.I love this song and I really love the video. I really never took Solange serious as a singer. I just thought she was trying to sing, because her bigger sister was a famous singer, but this single really has me thinking she is more than Beyonce's younger sister. It has a 60's vibe to it. Maybe her niche is the more neo soul area, not sure, but I can't wait for the album to fully examine where she is going musically.





I've started a trend of my second "Ah... That's my Jam," is for it to be a gospel song. I really haven't purposely meant for it to be gospel, but that's how it's been. This month is Hezekiah Walker's "Grateful" feat. David Hollister. I guess because I hear this song all the time on gospel stations, plus my church sings it too. I guess it's just in my spirit. Even through the hard times, you have much to be grateful about!







For the first time, my Throwback of Heavy rotation, is a gospel album. I guess in dedication to Rev. Timothy Wright,I have been rocking the first Cd, not necessarily album, but Cd I owned of his, "Come Thou Almighty King," TO be honest before pulling this particular Cd out,I didn't remember much of the album. I remember when I first saw the album cover, from back in 94 or 95 though. I have a tendency to be rocking the R&B throwbacks, but not so much the gospel ones..well certain artist I do. This is a great album though.I hear that he had like 500 people in this choir for this album, going to have to double check that info though, but I think it's true.

I think because I listen to a lot of gospel as well as R&B and other types of music I have decided to add an Inspirational Music of the Moment section.I know it may seem inappropriate since I talk about sex quite a bit on my blog, but this is all that makes up me... so I guess I'm just an inappropriate and awkward person. I'm really feeling this album right now.I decided to pick up the album, "The Transformation," by James Fortune & Fiya, after hearing a lot the single "I Trust You." Although I like the album and several songs,I do sense a very Kirk Franklin influence on the lo tempo songs, more than I did on Fortune's last album.I still
am feeling the album and rocking it with my R&B.

Monday, July 7, 2008

Not quite feeling so free, on my Independence Weekend


"I get lonely
Whenever you're around
I get lonely
Whenever you're around"

Those words fits my spirit and my feelings right now. These words are the chorus right now, that Jill Scott is singing right now on TvOne, I think this is her live in Paris concert. Not really sure, I just have it on in the background, but this song stands out for me. It's Saturday night, the day after the Fourth of July, and my family is downstairs, as I'm writing this. I came up here to my refuge...my blog. I have said that before, am saying it now, and will without a doubt say it in the future. We were sorta having a movie night. Seeing movies that some of us have seen, some haven't seen, and some didn't mind seeing again...you know how it is. However it was cut short for me, because I was told to shut up for the 4th time by my cousin, Tia.

Here's the deal. This is the first weekend, that her new fiancee', has spent the whole weekend, with our family. Of course, we have met, him, and we have spent time with him at one or two holidays before, but this is the first, long extended time that has been spent with him. We are doing the you are family, so make yourself at home treatment, but in the process I find myself not feeling at home, in my on mother's house. This holiday, and last face it most of the holidays, where outside-ness and cookouts are involved, our family does at our house.

It started yesterday, I mean the first shut up was done yesterday. This was done at the kitchen table. Even though the whole deck was set up for the cookout, everyone in attendance friends and family were eating inside, at the kitchen table, formal dining room table, and den, because the rain came down enough just to wet everything outside, but not enough to actually do something about the dryness of the grass. Anyway The Fiancee'...and I think that's how I'm going to refer to him, because obviously I have to treat him like a precious stone...was eating a baby back rib, and I asked him about, was it okay, that it was beef ribs. Now Tia had mentioned to us on numerous occasions, how he loved red meat, a little to much, and how he only cooks beef ribs himself. I mentioned how my mom tried to find beef ribs all week long, and everywhere was just selling the baby backs, she went to every grocery store and Costco's and they either were out, when she got there, or weren't selling them. So I mentioned that Tia had told us, and we knew how much he preferred beef ribs, which I must say I think I love a little more than the baby backs myself, but how my mom couldn't find any good ones. He smiled and said that it was cool and how he eats both. While he was doing this, she was straight grimacing, behind him mouthing for me to shut the hell up and leave him alone. Now maybe I was wrong for mentioned how she told us he love beef ribs, but it's not exactly like I said,"Your girl told us you eat too much red meat, that why you are eating the pork baby backs, but we tried to get you beef ribs anyway!" I was just doing the host thing trying to make him feel good, that we cared.

After that I went into the formal dining room and spent most of my time in there making the family friends feel good. My mother was in the den, doing the same thing, with those friends and family. By the end of the night, we mostly everybody were leaving, I was getting "'Young' you so crazy, you should have your own show....blah blah blah...and boy you are a trip" When left to be me, I'm very good at the host thing and the charming thing, most people like me! Now I have my reserve quite moments, when I don't say much at all, but when you are hosting and have new people in your home, that's not the time. I was being funny and cute, which I can do I must say!

Now back tonight, today has been a long day somehow, yet all we really did was go to the movies a few stores, and Walmart. Now we are on our third movie of the evening. We went to go see "Hancock", which I liked, but I will tell you about in another post. I guess I feel tired, from walking on egg shells all day, trying to make him feel comfortable. From where we sat in movie theaters to where we went, to whatever we did. Now here we are at home, and am tired.. tired of bending over backwards for this nigga, and my cousin still unappreciated, tired of the whispering back and forth, I understand, newly engaged, that's how they are, and tired of this nigga still acting scared of us. Here we are 7 people watching movies, and half of us have changed into more comfortable clothes, including Tia and this nigga is still in his clothes and sneakers. When even let him wear them in the house, when usually you take them off when you are up and down the stairs. I hear them two whispering back and forth about how he wants to change, but doesn't feel like he can, and she telling him, he can. Then he asks my mother if its okay if he has a piece of cake. Now she has told him over and over again he can have whatever he wants. I have mentioned that, he can go into the garage and get whatever he wants to drink from that refridge, which is filled with bottle water sodas, and all the bottle Gatorade his heart can desire, yet he still seems afraid or uncomfortable to get it. So I mentioned, how he still acting uncomfortable around us, and that this weekend, our home is his home. He gets up to get the cake, and Tia leans over and whispers again "SHUT UP!" Now I have had it. I whisper back "Woman, you got one more time to tell me to shut up!" She replies to me "Then stop talking to him, how I'm the one who is making him uncomfortable" I reply back, "You got one more time to tell me to shut up, and you going to see how uncomfortable it's about to get in here!" I then leave them all downstairs to come up here.

Now I truly feel I have went out my way to make him feel good, and feel at home. I have been trying to say the absolute right things to him. Trying to do the jokey joke thing, make him laugh. When in doubt make em' laugh I say. I have given him the free range of my room, my bed, with my good 500 thread count sheets, food, drinks, whatever he wanted to watch...etc. I'm done now.

Right now I'm going to go take a hot epson salt hot bath, and listen to some old Mary J....Till tomorrow!

Well I didn't feel like getting on yesterday, and finishing this weekend, so let me do that now. Yesterday morning, is when they were planning on leaving. After my bath, I went to my room to chill a bit, before The Fiancee' came up to bed. My mom came up early, and asked why did I leave so suddenly. I told her the deal and what had happen, and told her I just need to be by myself, for a bit. I got back online a bit, until I guess the last movie was finished, around 12:30 or 1 ish. Then everyone came up stairs to bed. I didn't say a word to Tia, the rest of the night, or the the next morning for that matter I was ready for this weekend to finish. She didn't say a word to me for that matter. She did tell my aunt I was mad at her for unknown reasons, isn't that a blimp. I hate when people know you are made and know what they did, but act like they don't know. She didn't say boo to me, until The Fiancee', said Good Morning to me, when I came down stairs yesterday morning. I had seen her a couple times that morning and she didn't say squat, but when he said good morning, is when she decides to, also.

Now I didn't mention last night, one initial detail. Me and this certain cousin, are or maybe were is a better word right now... extremely close. Since we are more close, than we are with any other family member. Even though she is 5 years older, we are really close. I have been there for every single boyfriend since high school. Met every single one, and that isn't a couple I will tell you. Not because I wanted to, but because she wanted me too, now when one finally puts a damn ring on her finger, I'm suppose to treat him like glass. She has been trying for months since the engagement, for our family to spend some true quality time with him, yet we are suppose to what, tip toe around him.I thought about it last night. It's not me, in fact most of her boyfriends, even the last one, who I didn't want her to stay involved with, liked me. The ones where I met their families liked me. I remember one ex boyfriend, she wanted me to go with her, to his family Christmas party, by the end of the night I was in his parents bedroom laughing it up, having a good time, with his mom and brothers. In fact I spent more time with his family, than with her and the then boyfriend. So I don't get why supposedly I have to be careful what I say and do around this nigga.

Well we went out to brunch. I still wasn't talking to either of them. She wanted me to shut up, so I did, to them. I of course though made sure I was looking so fresh and so clean, for Sunday brunch, while giving the silent treatment. I did of course ask them was the restaurant that I picked cool for brunch. Still trying to make sure everyone was cool, though. The seating arrangements at the restaurant ended up, where I was seated right next to him, so I couldn't exactly, not talk all through brunch. However it still wasn't my warm and lovable self I will tell you that. I still was cordial and pleasant. I talked to everybody else the same. It was a nice breakfast. It was at the Brio Tuscan Grille, so it was an Italian style brunch, but it was still good. Tia had the nerve to say, as we left the restaurant, that finally I picked a good one. Just because I want to try new things, instead of the same ole

They left shortly after we got back from brunch, to pack up food. I kissed my aunt, Tia's mom goodbye, and I gave her a half hearted "See yah", as I walked away. After being seriously burned by the Champagne on a beer budget cousin and other crap going on in my family, I'm done with people and their big bag of bull. Don't let her call me, because Mister Nice Young is gone. I'm calling people out on their B-U-L-L S-H-I-T!